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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is no big deal?

153 replies

MelCookie · 29/06/2016 10:23

I have been working out with a personal trainer for the past few weeks, he's helped me enormously post-injury and is a nice guy. He's changed a couple of sessions for me at short notice and with no charge.

We chat during the sessions (random stuff, seems to make it hurt less!) and starting talking about books the other week.

I was ordering some books on Bookpeople the other day and needed to spend another £4 for free delivery. Had a look at some cheap books and spotted a £4.99 book (about the digital world) that I thought he'd like, so I bought it.

DH went nuts and said it was deeply inappropriate and has changed the basis of my relationship with personal trainer and has raised expectations.

I consider myself a generous and thoughtful person. I like to show appreciation and, for me, it was just a small token of appreciation.

Who is BU here?!

OP posts:
BeenThereTooSEL · 30/06/2016 00:17

I was really good friends with my PT & my DD trained at the same gym. He didn't think it was weird. I helped him out proof reading some stuff as he is dyslexic. He gave me some free training time.

VioletBam · 30/06/2016 00:18

I wouldn't be happy if my husband bought books for a trainer he was with of the opposite sex. Nope!

Scoopmuckdizzy · 30/06/2016 00:28

I often swap books with my male friend- is that inappropriate? We're both married.
We also meet for coffee every few weeks and have a wonder around the shops together. It never occurred to me that this was anything to be concerned about. I do ask him if his wife wants to come too but so far she hasn't.

BastardGoDarkly · 30/06/2016 00:53

I don't see what's wrong with it at all, if it's a purely platonic relationship, that's absolutely fine IMO.

OlennasWimple · 30/06/2016 00:56

For me it's about changing the nature of the relationship, which could be seen as inappropriate. It's one thing if you are actually friends. If you've had half a dozen sessions and suddenly turn up with a present, it might be a bit full on - and therefore misinterpreted as a come on

PumpkinPies38 · 30/06/2016 01:14

YABU. A thoughtful gift out of the blue like that is quite flirtatious I'm not surprised your DH is upset. Do you fancy your PT?

PovertyPain · 30/06/2016 01:28

Wow, OP. I'm glad you started this thread as you've made me realise that sooooo many of my clients fancy me. Who knew that those wee bottles of wine, chocs, etc that they bought me meant that they were trying to woo me? [gasp]

Catch a grip people, it's a nice gift and if you and the trainer are working well together and there's been no suggestion of attraction, then don't worry.

TheStoic · 30/06/2016 02:35

How would you feel, OP, if the situation was reversed? If you wouldn't be bothered, it might show you have different boundaries from your husband.

There may be things that he thinks are fine to do with opposite sex friends/colleagues etc, that you would raise an eyebrow at. There's nothing wrong with that, but it might be worth a conversation about expectations before this causes conflict again.

Nanunanu · 30/06/2016 05:48

Clients have bought me presents before. Ay christmas time I might get a few boxes of chocolate. And during the year I might get a few thank yous for what they perceive as going beyond the call of duty. I see as doing my job.

Depends how you give it to him. What you ecpect in return. If given with a 'I wanted to say thank you to you for helping me achieve x y z and when shopping i saw this and thought you might enjoy it' I think there's no problem giving gifts. Except if it upsets your dh, which this looks like it might.

And yes continue getting your cleaner cakes and Christmas gifts. It shows appreciation. If you stop now they will wonder what they have done wrong.

I swear mumsnet is a different universe sometimes.

DownUnderBound · 30/06/2016 08:24

Just a kind gesture. It's a book. Not a dildo. I would do the same as I am a very generous and thoughtful person it is always happily received if I treat someone. Don't see the problem?

LouBlue1507 · 30/06/2016 08:27

I can see why it would upset your DH and IMO the fact that it has upset him so much should be enough for you not to do it...
Why not buy an extra book for yourself of children instead?

DownUnderBound · 30/06/2016 08:27

You sound lovely op I wouldn't worry

AmysTiara · 30/06/2016 08:30

I don't think it's a big deal at all.

Thefitfatty · 30/06/2016 08:31

I don't really see the issue. Presumably the book is on a topic you've both discussed and you know interests him. You had to spend 4£ more to get free delivery...tell it to him like that and I doubt he'd think you were interested.
To be fair though, my DH would probably get a bit jealous too, but I'd ignore him.

charlestonchaplin · 30/06/2016 08:33

He's only been training you for a few weeks! That's what makes it quite odd. Unless you booked a lot of sessions over a few weeks and your training time with him is now ending. It's not just about you and your pure thoughts. You could make him feel uncomfortable.

TheNaze73 · 30/06/2016 08:33

Flip it OP. If your DH was having 121 sessions with a female trainer, how would you feel? I think that's your answer.

Personally though, I would see no harm & you sound very thoughtful. I'd have no problem with it

MeOnSea · 30/06/2016 08:35

I don't see the problem. You sound like a thoughtful person. Maybe get to the bottom of why your DH is so bothered by it though, and make sure he knows you'd do the same for him?

PeaceOfWildThings · 30/06/2016 08:41

I do think it's odd to buy your PT a gift like that. It suggests he is on your mind a lityle more than he should be, and that your DH has picked up on it, and is feeling unappreciated.

Piemernator · 30/06/2016 08:49

I always buy gifts when it comes to good service. I take wine and chocolates in to my bank and the local library at Christmas.Your DH is just being jealous and unless there is some massive backstory with you having an affair or something he is just being a pain.

I had extensive physio a few years ago and my physiotherapist was an absolute gorgeous bugger who had the first name as DH. I told DH and even made a joke about how I didn't think another (DH name) would ever be parting my legs on a regular basis. He just laughed.

Nannawifeofbaldr · 30/06/2016 08:50

I have a PT and I do think it's a wee bit odd. A Christmas token is different and fine.

But, however well you get on with him, your PT isn't your friend, anymore than your chatty hairdresser is your friend. They are professionals doing a job that is easier if people chat.

Swapping books with a male friend is not at all the same.

LadyRataxes · 30/06/2016 08:55

DP is a PT and I would think it was odd if someone did this. If he had been training someone for a long time and it was Xmas i would understand it- but would expect a token (wine/chocolates or whatever the healthy equivalent is) or maybe something specifically sports related but nothing personal .... although thinking about it i think he may get token gifts if he has been training someone for an event and they complete it for example - but not the norm.

CantChoose · 30/06/2016 09:03

In this exact circumstance id probably keep it for a particular occasion - as a thank you when you meet a particular goal or something, rather than a 'saw this and thought of you' random gift. But I don't think it's that much of a big deal.

I buy my cleaner a Christmas gift every year. My mum always did so I guess I'm just copying her example. She always seems pleased. this is making me doubt myself now! Though I suppose if I stop now she'll think I am annoyed with her...

HermioneJeanGranger · 30/06/2016 09:04

I think it's a bit unusual, really, and I bet your DH is upset because to get the free shipping, you didn't think of buying anything for him or the kids, but for this new, fit guy in your life.

How would you feel if your DH was having 1-2-1 sessions with a PT and decided to buy her a book instead of you?

UmbongoUnchained · 30/06/2016 09:05

I wouldn't be impressed if it were my husband. And if a client bought me a gift I'd hate it.

needastrongone · 30/06/2016 09:07

If the PT was a female, I suspect the replies on this thread might have been different.

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