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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is no big deal?

153 replies

MelCookie · 29/06/2016 10:23

I have been working out with a personal trainer for the past few weeks, he's helped me enormously post-injury and is a nice guy. He's changed a couple of sessions for me at short notice and with no charge.

We chat during the sessions (random stuff, seems to make it hurt less!) and starting talking about books the other week.

I was ordering some books on Bookpeople the other day and needed to spend another £4 for free delivery. Had a look at some cheap books and spotted a £4.99 book (about the digital world) that I thought he'd like, so I bought it.

DH went nuts and said it was deeply inappropriate and has changed the basis of my relationship with personal trainer and has raised expectations.

I consider myself a generous and thoughtful person. I like to show appreciation and, for me, it was just a small token of appreciation.

Who is BU here?!

OP posts:

charlestonchaplin · 30/06/2016 09:12

CantChoose It is quite a longstanding tradition, in the UK and elsewhere, to give people who work for you or provide regular services a gift. It would be more normal to give a cleaner who comes into your home and is more intimately acquainted with you a gift for no particular reason, than a personal trainer in my opinion.

SantanaBinLorry · 30/06/2016 09:13

wonder whether if the personal trainer was a woman people would still think it was bad.

^ this

Im a shocking 'book pusher' as my ex used to call me. I think sharing passing on books to other booky people is lovely.
Don't worry OP, some people find 'inappropriateness' in all kinds of normal and nice things.

Furcat85 · 30/06/2016 09:18

Bloody hell it's a book! I'm a very "saw this and thought of you" person and I don't know anyone who would take a book about the digital world as a come on. Give him the book and explain about the delivery deal of it makes you feel more comfortable.

charlestonchaplin · 30/06/2016 09:19

Not from me. Buying someone a gift like that is cultivating a friendship. I think it is inappropriate to be trying to cultivate a friendship with a person who has been providing you with professional services for just a few weeks.

When you have been training with them for quite a long time a friendship of sorts often naturally develops. This seems to be an attempt to accelerate the natural course of things. You wouldn't buy a solicitor who's been dealing with your house purchase for a few weeks or your new physio a gift. Why is this any different? When your house purchase completes or your physio ends you may wish to give a token to express your gratitude. That's normal and different.

UntilTheCowsComeHome · 30/06/2016 09:19

Giving a 'just because' gift a few weeks in is totally different to giving a Xmas gift to a cleaner or gardener.

Why not keep hold of the book and give it to him at Xmas if you still use his services then?

More appropriate than 'here's a book because I thought of you' which would make me raise an eyebrow.

charlestonchaplin · 30/06/2016 09:23

CantChoose Meant to say it is a tradition to give gifts at Christmas.

bakeoffcake · 30/06/2016 09:29

Fgs, I've often given books to people, when it's not Xmas, it doesn't mean I fancy them

And buying your cleaner a cake is really lovely and thoughtful.

Carry on being kind OP.

maxeffort0satisfaction · 30/06/2016 09:30

I think it would seem like you're developing a crush on him and becoming way too intimate..like you remember his interests..its not even a personal trainers/exercise book.
More importantly if it upsets your other half, why the hell do it? I can't believe that there isn't anything or anyone else to use the 4 quids on.. why the personal trainer popped into your head? you must be thinking of him a lot and not just in the exercise sessions... sounds like a slippery slope to an affair..

anyway its just too matey and out of the boundaries of a personal trainer and client.

maxeffort0satisfaction · 30/06/2016 09:30

OP either naïve or in denial....

Tartyflette · 30/06/2016 09:32

Yeah, hang onto the book until Christmas, or until you come to an end of your sessions with him, and give it to him then.

RhiWrites · 30/06/2016 09:34

Cor blimey. Some people on this thread seem to think gifts are only for partners and family. I've bought gifts for colleagues, gave a video (aaages ago) to my hairdresser, would totally by a cheap book for a gym trainer although I don't have one at the moment. I also give the postie £5 at Xmas. Hope he doesn't think I'm trying to get into his knickers!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/06/2016 09:34

It's incredibly normal in the UK for people in all sorts of jobs to get gifts from their service users.

That would be why HMRC have huge amounts of information about what you declare and what you don't

And the types of jobs where it could be considered a risk to the service user accepting gifts tends to be prohibited.

It is that normal that we have proper formal rules about it.

She didn't buy him underware she didn't buy him roses she didn't get anything that anybody would percieve as a romantic gift.

She got him a low value book about a technical subject because she feels he's done a good job, having issues with that is excessive

smileyhappypeople · 30/06/2016 10:21

This is an awkward one.... I suspect that pp are right about it being different if pt was female but at the same time I kind of think your hubby is right to feel cross. I think had you have him a copy of a book you had that he wanted to read or whatever then that's fine but I think it would bother me that while looking for books you were thinking about your pt and deciding that he might like a certain book and that you know him well enough to know what he might like.....
On the other hand, if you regularly buy random stuff for 'random' people then it's not a problem.
I would also consider do you ever buy stuff for your hubby because you think he might like it? Not practical stuff but just nice gifts?

user1467101855 · 30/06/2016 10:40

I gave my kids teacher a gift today, does that mean I fancy her and my OH could tell me off?
Or is it just because he's a dude and they wear skimpier clothes when together?

Its kinda controlling and weird to be telling your wifey what they can give to other people, and that it implies certain things'.

RestlessTraveller · 30/06/2016 10:54

Jesus Christ! People have immediately decided the OP is some sort of impending adulteress. Talk about slut-shaming. It's a book for fucks sale! And the mind how you go comment. WTAF?!

Pinkheart5915 · 30/06/2016 10:59

I had a personal trainer a few years ago after an injury and when I had finished all outpr sessions I brought him a gift to say Thanks. I did not fancy him and dh said nothing about the gift

I don't know why your DH is being silly, it's a book does not mean you fancy him. I think it's normal for people in these jobs to recieve gifts from there clients.

StarkyTheDirewolf · 30/06/2016 11:18

Dh trains girls, they buy him "gifts" on occasion. And one or two have sent bits for me. I'm a "book pusher" too I like that phrase and it doesn't bother me that people buy him stuff. I'd just assume he was doing a good job and they appreciated it.

Obviously not if dh walked through the door and presented me with a butt plug from sandra-down-the-gym "because she thought I'd like it". That would be innapropriate.

AuldYow · 30/06/2016 11:20

YANBU - if you don't fancy him and would do the same for friends etc I see absolutely no problem with it. The problem is with your DH not you.

It's a kind and thoughtful thing to do, if everyone was like you and accepted things at face value and not over analyse things the world would be a nicer place

MrsDoylesTeaParty · 30/06/2016 13:43

YANBU. You sound like a lovely person! Like someone said upthread, it's about intentions. So many suspiscious people on here.

ThinkPinkStink · 30/06/2016 13:54

I'm surprised at some of the responses.

I wouldn't think twice about buying an inexpensive gift for a male friend, colleague, employee if I saw it and thought of them. It wouldn't even cross my mind that it could be perceived as being flirtatious.

So why does it feel a bit weird when I think about my husband doing the same for a female friend, colleague or employee?

I think it's because I know my own intentions...and though I'd be 99.9% certain DH's intentions were good, there'd always be a tiny nugget of doubt.

I guess most people who have ever been hurt (in any relationship) have that little nugget of doubt, which is what I imagine your DH is feeling.

IssMc · 30/06/2016 13:57

I think you are lovely. I've worked as a nanny and been given gifts of everything from mascara and vintage dresses to pork chops and oregano. I have never felt uncomfortable about it just touched. I leave my cat sitter flowers sometimes and buy in tea I know she likes, if I am going away I pick the flowers in my garden to give to neighbours to enjoy etc and I think it's little things like that that make the world a lovely place. Once a neighbour I'd barely nodded at gave me 18 bunches of roses (she was a florist, they were going spare - she said I could share them with my friends. I kept them. My tiny flat was fabulous for a week.) I might have felt odd about it if she had been male. Your husband probs just needs some loving reassurance. I suppose personal trainers get up close and personal and are fit. If you are losing weight too and he is feeling a bit frumpy in comparison this might just be triggering a bit of insecurity. And I say that as a mummy with a jelly tummy and a stupidly handsome other half.

ifyoulikepinacolada · 30/06/2016 14:09

It's a book! I work in a similar field - occasionally clients give me presents/pass stuff on. Most of them are also female and nobody blinks. No big deal at all, OP, and not inappropriate at all.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 30/06/2016 14:14

I don't see a problem, but then again I'm always handing out books that I think people may like. I thought I was just being friendly, certainly not wooing them all

coffeetasteslikeshit · 30/06/2016 14:20

More importantly if it upsets your other half, why the hell do it?

Are you for real?!

Yes OP, you must never do anything to upset your other half.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 30/06/2016 14:21

Perhaps your dh is put out because you didn't buy him a book?

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