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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is no big deal?

153 replies

MelCookie · 29/06/2016 10:23

I have been working out with a personal trainer for the past few weeks, he's helped me enormously post-injury and is a nice guy. He's changed a couple of sessions for me at short notice and with no charge.

We chat during the sessions (random stuff, seems to make it hurt less!) and starting talking about books the other week.

I was ordering some books on Bookpeople the other day and needed to spend another £4 for free delivery. Had a look at some cheap books and spotted a £4.99 book (about the digital world) that I thought he'd like, so I bought it.

DH went nuts and said it was deeply inappropriate and has changed the basis of my relationship with personal trainer and has raised expectations.

I consider myself a generous and thoughtful person. I like to show appreciation and, for me, it was just a small token of appreciation.

Who is BU here?!

OP posts:
Hausfrau29 · 01/07/2016 00:15

I think it's a lovely gesture. Also buying the cleaning lady a muffin is a really nice idea too - I love buying people little gifts to show them they're appreciated and I always think it's things like those gestures that make doing a job worthwhile and give you a little smile for the day. There's not enough kindness in the world and a lot of people seem to think there's an alternative motive, which makes me feel sad cos they've obviously not had enough kindness in their lives!

GirlSailor · 01/07/2016 00:57

You're obviously a better catch than me OP, if you can seduce someone with a book about the digital world. Not to mention you might be a bit sweaty from exercise.

I work in a friendly industry where gifts are totally normal so wouldn't be surprised by something like this.

I think some people would think you are in a slippery slope to an affair, gift or no gift. Promise you won't take up horseriding, you don't want to meet any stable boys - they are always having affairs.

Monmo2124 · 01/07/2016 01:30

I think it's a lovely thing to do . I tend to do the same , I try to arrange food for my cleaning lady and also the people who come to our house for chores like plumbers , electricians . Also I enjoy giving gifts to people , things They mention they like . I get all the staff at my kids school a small gift and not just limit to teachers . What's the harm in spreading a little joy if you can afford it?
Your husband might be jealous because of other reasons , you can ask him to be honest . If he's uncomfortable then think about how you would have felt if the case was reversed i.e he was giving gift to female PT . If you think you might have been jealous , don't do it.

MargotLovedTom · 01/07/2016 05:49

I think I can see your DH point of view. You were online shopping and it was the PT who popped into your head and you sought something out you hoped would appeal to him; something more personal than the generic wine/flowers/chocolates than other PP are saying they receive from clients.

Maybe your DH is worried he can't compete with the PT' buns of steel? Wink

MargotLovedTom · 01/07/2016 05:51

OK you didn't seek out the book, but you saw it and thought of him. I still think the same.

FlemCandango · 01/07/2016 06:11

Goodness all this suspicion. Does this mean I should have been all angry and jealous when dh's female colleague bought him a gift of very nice aftershave a few weeks ago? She was recently bereaved and dh had been very supportive. She showed her appreciation with a gift. He now smells very nice and I am not jealous just pleased he has a good relationship with his work mates and proud of his compassion.

Clearly I am a trusting fool. Smile

Op a small gift is a nice gesture not an invitation for sexy time.

DownWithThisSortaThing · 01/07/2016 06:27

I don't think it's a big deal tbh. My DP wouldn't be bothered about it, and I can't imagine me being bothered if he did it. It probably would upset me a bit if he tried to hide it from me or lied about it, but if he was upfront about it and explained he needed to spend £4 or whatever for free delivery, I'd be fine with it.

You're obviously a generous person OP, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Snowflakes1122 · 01/07/2016 06:30

Don't suppose anyone goes into an affair planning it.
Maybe it does start with thinking of them and what they'd like when your buying things?

nuttymango · 01/07/2016 06:52

Wait until Xmas or until you stop using his (ahem) services and then give it to him.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 01/07/2016 07:01

What nuttymango said. Save it for the end of your sessions. As a thank you.

I think you sound very thoughtful Op. I just thought of it like a gift for a teacher. Wasn't as if you were trying to hid it, or wrap it up in special heart paper and ribbons, were you?

Toofondofcake · 01/07/2016 07:08

I see both sides of the argument here. It's really thoughtful to give your trainer something you think he'd like however if my husband bought a gift for a female colleague/trainer or something I'd be a bit upset as I'd be worried there was more to it than a professional relationship.

You'll have to deal with your husbands feelings on the matter for a long time so I'd back off and send the book back, donate it or keep it for yourself.

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 01/07/2016 07:14

I personally don't see anything wrong with it, it was a kind and generous thing to do, it's not like he's a Judge or anything, he's a trainer! Sounds like your husband is acting jealous or insecure or both, if he wants to see something there that's nothing but a kind gesture then that's his problem not yours. If I was ever in that position I know my husband wouldn't read something into it that wasn't.

TheChippendenSpook · 01/07/2016 07:16

I don't think you did anything wrong.the world would be a better place if more people did kind things for one another.

magratvonlipwig · 01/07/2016 07:20

It's just a book. I think a gift is nice as hes bern helpful and changed sessions for you, but I wouldn't do it again as that may cross a boundary.

2muchcrap · 01/07/2016 07:24

I think it's a bit odd then again I wouldn't buy muffins for the cleaner either as she might not like them and just says thanks because she's polite. I would wait until the last session and give it him as a thank you for all you've done etc.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 01/07/2016 08:02

I think dh is right, you can't do a just because present Iike that unless a friend, you can do a thank you for such and such present. It's more that it's a bit weird as not your friend. Ok might end up a friend but sounds too soon to say.

IsMyUserNameRubbish · 01/07/2016 08:09

In my opinion it's never too early to makes someone's day and put a smile on their face, but that's just my opinion, like I said, no harm making someone's day and giving them a prezzy. I wonder would your husband feel the same if it was a female trainer you was giving the book to?

Tezza1 · 01/07/2016 08:34

I had a brief discussion about Charlton Heston movies with my doctor (GP), and he said how much he liked his movies. I was clearing out my DVD collection and was getting rid of some as I'm going digital as I declutter. I had a copy of a fairly rare/hard to get DVD starring Charlton Heston, so when I went to see him six months later, gave it to him, rather than just giving it to St Vinnies.

Now, you've made me worried and think that I was inappropriate and he'll think I fancy him.

Lules · 01/07/2016 08:46

It's a book. Unless I've missed something, buying a book does not lead inexorably to an affair. I don't understand reactions like this.

MargotLovedTom · 01/07/2016 08:51

Okay, put it another way: if I were a (female) personal trainer and I had a married male client who bought me a gift relating to something we'd chatted about and he knew I was interested in, then I'd feel a bit odd about it. I wouldn't know whether to take it as a simple, nice gesture, or in a slightly more loaded "I saw this and thought of you," type of way, which is generally reserved for people who are a bit more meaningful in your life.

I'd prefer not to be put that position in the first place.

dowhatnow · 01/07/2016 08:58

I'm on the fence here. I think that it is a fit, half dressed, young man who has an up close and personal relationship with you, that differentiates this from every other person in your life.
I don't think I would like it if DH did this with a gorgeous young female trainer. What about you op?

Stars2theside · 01/07/2016 09:20

I don't think you're BU at all. It's something I would do, because I'm also quite thoughtful like that too. I don't see how you being single would change how it looks? Just because you think of someone, it doesn't mean that you fancy him. Your DH is jealous, which is understandable. But perhaps he just needs a reminder of what kind of woman he's married to. A thoughtful, kind and considerate person. Doesn't he love those qualities about you?! Tell him to grow up and don't feel bad about being kind!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/07/2016 09:32

Don't suppose anyone goes into an affair planning it
Maybe it does start with thinking of them and what they'd like when your buying things?

People who have affairs do so because they make active choices and decisions that have an end result of an affair that they actually want to have,no matter how much they like to tell themselves it was all far to romantic and they just couldn't help themselves and try blaming everyone else around them and not themselves or a essential body organ that keeps them alive this is a smoke screen.
They had an affair because they wanted to they chose to and that is that.
A cheap book about anything is not going to have an impact on that either way.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/07/2016 09:41

So many people on here who wouldn't do innocent things because it wouldn't make their DP's happy. Scary

This ^

I once had a husband who would express minor disapointment or upset if I had lunch with friends, he cried once when my brother rang my house and asked to talk to me (after telling 'some bloke' he shouldn't be ringing married women) he used to get a bit weird about clothes I wore.

The correct response to utterly ridiculous unreasonable concerns and dislikes and totally unfounded suspicions is not "sorry darling you don't like it I won't do it" its "stop being such a stupid prick"

That is if you are a grown up who is perfectly capable of moderating and policing your own behaviour, if your not why not get a life boss instead of a husband/wife

HooseRice · 01/07/2016 10:18

At my gym there was a scandal about a row that broke out between a group of married mums who were all shagging the same tennis coach.

A book is fine, I think.