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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse birthday presents from my LO's grandparents?

142 replies

daisyw302 · 27/06/2016 20:37

So long story short, my other halfs parents are not in the picture what so ever, but still call themselves nanny and granda. They live in Ireland so can't see her every day but they've only seen her once, for 3 days when we took her over at 8 weeks old, and she's now 11 months old. Even before she was born they would never come here to see us, we always had to go to them which was obviously a lot easier before baby came along. They refuse to come here because it's too much hassle, they're having work done to their house and use that as an excuse every time. They've never once text/called asking how she is, what she's up to ect, they only find out through Facebook, I've since blocked them and my partner doesn't upload anything so for about a month they haven't even seen a picture of her. They don't speak to us at all, haven't contacted us for about 2 months now. I am absolutely livid and it infuriates me thinking about it, because they've got 2 grandkids over there, our daughter is completley forgotten. His mum will constantly put stuff on Fb about how she's taking the grandkids out for dinner, buying them clothes, having sleepovers, how much she loves them, and never a mention of her granddaughter. My parents on the other hand are great with her and absolutely adore her.

So it's LO's birthday coming up and we invited them to come and stay with us and be here for her birthday and party, to which they turned down simply because they can not be bothered. So that for me was the last straw, no more contact whatsoever. As far as we're concerned she has her family here, they are just her daddy's family, not hers. So I'm sure they'll send a card and maybe a present, but I'm not having it and not opening it. Am I being too harsh? In my eyes, they don't deserve to be her grandparents.

OP posts:

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys · 27/06/2016 23:11

Tbh in my opinion you come across as very unreasonable, like you're having a bit of a tantrum and acting a tad immature about the situ. You seem to be making this about you, not your daughter. However I understand that you're clearly upset on behalf of your daughter. The great thing is you DD has wonderful grandparents in your mum and dad.

Italiangreyhound · 27/06/2016 23:12

Daisy with regard to your specific questions....

"So I'm sure they'll send a card and maybe a present, but I'm not having it and not opening it."

It's not your card or present to reject. If the card were abusive or the present unsafe or unsuitable, I would say fine. But a nice card and present from her grandparents in Ireland may be something she will like - IMHO it is not your place to reject it on her behalf.

Re "Am I being too harsh?" Yes you are but I think the reason is you are hurt, on behalf of your dd, which I think at this early stage is unnecessary. And you may well be upset on behalf of your DH, which does seem more understandable.

But your dh is an adult and must work out himself how he feels about all this and what he wishes to do.

You stepping in and blocking Facebook or rejecting cards or gifts seems (although I am sure you meant it well) very unhelpful to your husband's processing of his feelings.

Lastly, Re "In my eyes, they don't deserve to be her grandparents." BUT they are her biological grandparents and it is not your place to decide wo deserves to be grandparents. Of course, if they were abusive I would keep my child away from any such person.

I feel you are stepping in to prevent harm and in this you may actually cause it.

I really think that if this continues, if/when this comes to light (you kept the present/s from her, if this continues) your DD may feel you acted unfairly to her grandparents and made a difficult situation worse.

Please do work these feelings out yourself and I would be tempted to see the 'long game' here; if they are behaving like this in ten years time your dd may still welcome their gifts but won't have a real relationship with them.

This is exactly what happened in relation to my own mum, FOR DIFFERENT REASONS, because my mum had dementia, and in the end could not relate well at all to the kids. She always bought lovely gifts, with my help in choosing, for birthdays and Christmas, because that is all she could do in the end. Now she is gone it is a way that my kids can remember her.

Life is short, don't make it harder on yourself, please OP.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 27/06/2016 23:13

The relationship I have with my family is a toxic relationship. I tried for many years to build a relationship with them but it never worked out. When you have family that don't care about you or you're child's feelings that hurts. How much faith do you and dh have?

cathf · 27/06/2016 23:19

Oh for goodness sake get a grip!
You clearly can't stand your in-laws and are using your Dd to make a point.
You seem determined to manipulate a split and are taking the moral high ground by using your daughter as an excuse.
Why dobyou dislike them so much?

Sunshineonacloudyday · 27/06/2016 23:21

If I was you I would try to accept the situation for what it is. They will never be like you're parents who most probably make an effort. When its grandparents day at school they may not show up because of the traveling you have to accept them. You will never change them. I don't think you should avoid contact with them to see how they are. I do believe that you have to make them think about their behaviour. I know grandparents who travel on train to get their grandchildren and they are old. Some people are made differently.

Unicorntrainer · 27/06/2016 23:30

You blocked them on Facebook??? Seriously??? Be the bigger person here. You don't always know what is going on in other people's lives behind closed closed doors. Bombard them with pics and videos. Be proud of your little one and show it. Don't let them take that away from you. If they don't reciprocate then there is something going on that you are not aware of, and don't take it personally.

Naicehamshop · 27/06/2016 23:32

Calm down, love. You sound completely hysterical. Yes - they sound like poor grandparents, but to over react like this is simply ridiculous. TBH you don't sound like you are thinking about your daughter at all, you sound like you are putting your own hurt/unhappiness first.
As she gets older, she may very well need relatives for help and support, even not very marvellous ones. Put her first, not yourself.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 27/06/2016 23:36

My partner used to tell me to talk up myself and the children that is the best medicine. The last time I spoke to my mum I did get a result she said she never done that with me when I was growing up. I haven't heard from her since me and partner has always offered to drive them down to us for the day or two it was a battle to get them down. I can't be bovvered now I had my baby last year and they haven't asked when are they going to see him.

TheBouquets · 27/06/2016 23:38

I think like others that it is not for you to reject a gift from DGPs to DD. At least you could put it away until your DD is older although this would not be useful If it was a gift of clothing.
YABVU
Did you ever think that by DH moving to live with you in UK they lost their child? The way you talk about your DPs and how DH thinks of them as his family, and DD's family but the other GPs are nothing to do with your DD be the most hurtful thing to them. It seems that your DPs are living nearby while DH's family is at a distance. Perhaps the DH's DP think they don't get a look in with their DGC because you distance them. It could also be that they put pics of other DGC on Facebook to show that they are allowed to see other children.
It is so spiteful not to allow their present to get to the child. GPs are only human and no more perfect than you are yourself, they may not get it right but they are flesh and blood and you are hurting them and also hurting you DD. She should know her DGPs while she still has them.
I think it is so important that you keep all doors open.

LucilleBluth · 27/06/2016 23:45

Oh my god op, you sound fucking horrific. No wonder the GPs don't want to visit......you need to self reflect big time.

MintyChops · 28/06/2016 01:31

YABU (and quite childish)

user1465823522 · 28/06/2016 01:57

In all honesty I would rather scoop my eyeballs out with a spoon than attend a 1 year old's birthday.

SofiaAmes · 28/06/2016 02:06

Is this for real? You are rejecting your child's grandparents because they don't behave like you do? I feel sorry for your child if she ends up wanting to do life differently than you want her to. Try a little tolerance and acceptance that not everyone shows love and attention in the same way and not everyone likes or is interested in babies. Personally I couldn't care less when my children first crawled and neither did my parents. They don't visit very often, but they love their grandchildren and now that the kids are teenagers they are fantastic in their interactions. There are so many worse things you could have in inlaws.

Out2pasture · 28/06/2016 02:13

If PIL show too much interest they are evil and trying to undermine you, too little and they are evil selfish pieces of work.
Take what they have to offer, say thank you and remain low contact.
It seems like a lot of negative energy on your part over literally nothing.

Atenco · 28/06/2016 03:11

OP, you should be facilitating your DP's relationship with his parents, not getting offended about things that do not affect you. You have your own loving family close by, his family is different but you are egging him on to feel all the hurt, rather than smoothing things over for him. I'm afraid that strikes me as somewhat abusive.

OlennasWimple · 28/06/2016 03:30

I agree with ItalianGreyhound.

You don't get to choose the relationship your PiL have with your DD, and messing around blocking them on FB is just spiteful. You have no right to take away the card and present - they aren't yours

myownprivateidaho · 28/06/2016 03:40

I think it would be very selfish to deny your dd a relationship with her gps because it's not on your terms.

FlyingElbows · 28/06/2016 07:36

Op you should read the stately homes thread and find out about the very serious reasons people have for being nc with their own parents or in-laws. Not a single one of those posters will cite "they don't know how many teeth pfb has" as a reason. You're being totally unreasonable and creating a ludicrous situation for very little reason at all.

Lweji · 28/06/2016 07:44

This thread is a disgrace.

MN at its worst.
Where are all the MN MIL bashing vipers?
Where's the infighting?

More seriously, OP, the vast majority of people in this thread think you are being unreasonable. You should listen to them.

LIZS · 28/06/2016 07:57

So does your oh ring them or text them on any regular sort of basis? He's the one who decamped, maybe he should make more effort to initiate communication and establish the Skype/email pattern. It isn't up to you to decline their presents and maybe they wouldn't feel welcome were they to make the effort. They sound about as attentive as distant relatives can be.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 28/06/2016 13:57

Lweji this is not the worst thread I have come across. I have been on threads that have disturbed me the inner thoughts of a mumsnetter is very frightening. Most of the discussions on here are okay. When it is a deep discussion people tend to take it to the gutter. I have learnt to keep away from those discussions.

Op you and you're dh know them best they brought you're dh up be strong for you're daughter. Who am I to judge or anyone else.

TealLove · 28/06/2016 14:06

If you blocked them on FB what kind of a message are you sending out?
Also how can you see their posts if you blocked them.

Lweji · 28/06/2016 14:08

Lweji this is not the worst thread I have come across.

It was in jest. Clue: "More seriously" and "Where are all the MN MIL bashing vipers? Where's the infighting?"

Sunshineonacloudyday · 28/06/2016 14:10

I didn't read you properly that is a point where are they.

HuskyLover1 · 28/06/2016 14:11

You say they are quite wealthy. Your actions here could mean that they cut DH or your child out of their will. For that reason alone, I would not cut them out or block them on FB. They are low contact anyway, so what do you have to gain? Nothing.

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