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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse birthday presents from my LO's grandparents?

142 replies

daisyw302 · 27/06/2016 20:37

So long story short, my other halfs parents are not in the picture what so ever, but still call themselves nanny and granda. They live in Ireland so can't see her every day but they've only seen her once, for 3 days when we took her over at 8 weeks old, and she's now 11 months old. Even before she was born they would never come here to see us, we always had to go to them which was obviously a lot easier before baby came along. They refuse to come here because it's too much hassle, they're having work done to their house and use that as an excuse every time. They've never once text/called asking how she is, what she's up to ect, they only find out through Facebook, I've since blocked them and my partner doesn't upload anything so for about a month they haven't even seen a picture of her. They don't speak to us at all, haven't contacted us for about 2 months now. I am absolutely livid and it infuriates me thinking about it, because they've got 2 grandkids over there, our daughter is completley forgotten. His mum will constantly put stuff on Fb about how she's taking the grandkids out for dinner, buying them clothes, having sleepovers, how much she loves them, and never a mention of her granddaughter. My parents on the other hand are great with her and absolutely adore her.

So it's LO's birthday coming up and we invited them to come and stay with us and be here for her birthday and party, to which they turned down simply because they can not be bothered. So that for me was the last straw, no more contact whatsoever. As far as we're concerned she has her family here, they are just her daddy's family, not hers. So I'm sure they'll send a card and maybe a present, but I'm not having it and not opening it. Am I being too harsh? In my eyes, they don't deserve to be her grandparents.

OP posts:
Snowflakes1122 · 27/06/2016 21:10

I think you should a bit petty. Maybe your husband should speak up and tell them how he feels over their actions? It seems you are quite happy to fuel this bad relationship between your husband and his family, which is sad for him and your child.

nicolasixx · 27/06/2016 21:10

They aren't devoted gps but where's the harm in letting them buy a couple of presents? Why go NC/block the limited information you do share? My grandparents were a bit like this growing up, in and out of my cousins' homes but they always sent gifts and I still developed a great relationship with my grandmother as a young adult. My parents wouldn't have dreamed of cutting them off!
PS sorry but I think you mean "etc" not "ect"

Snowflakes1122 · 27/06/2016 21:12

That should read I think you are being a bit petty

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 27/06/2016 21:12

My parents never knew how many teeth my babies had at any given time either!!

Maybe they will be better when she's older, not everyone gets much from baby stage

Itriedtodohandstandsforyou · 27/06/2016 21:12

Do they know how you feel about the way they treat you? Before you consider cutting all contact is it poss you can give her a ring and discuss how you feel? For your dc and dh sake? I think its worth a go.

Lweji · 27/06/2016 21:13

I can understand they're not being fantastic grandparents, but I do think you are overreacting.
Particularly not opening presents because they're not travelling to the party.

I wonder if they really are not interested or are reacting to precious history.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 27/06/2016 21:13

Oh, and it feels like you are looking forward to some drama from your present 'refusal'

Lweji · 27/06/2016 21:14

Previous, not precious.

Bambamrubblesmum · 27/06/2016 21:15

You're making this a bigger problem than it needs to be.

What has your DH done to address the issue with his parents?

Sounds like you are looking for reasons to push them out.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/06/2016 21:15

I've read again, and I actually think you're being cruel. Only because I can project my own df. He's very hands off, sees his dgds maybe once or twice a year. But he loves them very much, he's just a quiet soul, that's his way. I wouldn't dream of saying 'you're not seeing them enough, so you can't see them at all.' Bonkers.

Sirzy · 27/06/2016 21:18

teeth my babies had at any given time either!! after the first couple I had no idea with my own Ds!

It sounds like your dh stopped making as much contact with them around the same time as your daughter was born/due to be born? Have you ever thought perhaps that made them feel rather pushed out of things?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/06/2016 21:20

Your baby is 11 months!

It's often quite normal for people who live so far away to hardly see their grandchildren.

What were you expecting?

Original poster
daisyw302 · 27/06/2016 21:20

As I've said, even if we got a text once a month saying how's things, or a reply to the countless texts my partner has sent, it would be different. They are on social media 24/7 so they've no excuse for not taking 2 minutes to send a quick message. I'm sure if you were all dealing with this you'd be thinking this way aswell

OP posts:
KittyLaRoux · 27/06/2016 21:20

Oh good god. Your child is not the centre of their world so you cut all contact Hmm

Wow you deprive your DP of his parents and your child of her grandparents just because YOU think they are not showing her enough attention. You sound spoilt nice.

blueskyinmarch · 27/06/2016 21:22

My in laws have never been very hands on or interested grandparents but my kids (who are now grown up) understand that they are just not like my parens and we have never turned down gifts from them. We make an affront for their birthdays and Christmas etc even though they don’t make a lot of effort (vouchers always). It doesn’t sound like your in laws are being nasty, just not overly involved. That’s how they are. I think you just need to get over it.

Lovepancakes · 27/06/2016 21:22

I think it's bonkers too but in the kindest way as we can all lose perspective and so hope this thread helps as wish OP well.

I have kept every present my mil has given them as it's meant so much that it's from her even though we've only had snatches of precious time living in different places. I feel sad for your attitude op (is it justified as I have no idea if your in laws are awful !) in saying that it's no loss to your DD - you're basically saying you don't think anything of them and yet expect them to dote on your family. I don't mean to be harsh but could they sense that you don't value them?

For what it's worth I think you will gain a lot either just by being more generous in your feelings towards them and respectful that we are all different, or if you have to have a gentle conversation to discuss that you'd expected closer contact/ interest as they probably just work differently

Original poster
daisyw302 · 27/06/2016 21:22

im surprised you could take time to get off your high horses to reply, I'm so glad you did 😉

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 27/06/2016 21:23

They don't know that she's crawling, how many teeth she's got, what size she is, what food she likes. All basic things you'd think someone would know about their grandchild.

I can understand this is exciting stuff for you, and probably exciting for the GPs when they had their first grandchild. It really isn't that noteworthy for subsequent children (sorry DD2!) .

They have chosen not to be very involved. They are free to make that choice. They send presents and are in touch on social media. Really, it's nor for you to deprive your LO of that love just because it doesn't meet YOUR expectations.

YABVU!

BombadierFritz · 27/06/2016 21:23

It sounds quite controlling to cut them out and refuse presents.

Haffdonga · 27/06/2016 21:25

I used to see my grandparents who lived at the other end of the country once every year or two. They would send Christmas and birthday presents and I'd send thank you letters. That was our contact. No phone calls. Nothing else. They had no idea if I was teething, crawling or going to university but they still cared and loved me.

These days, Facebook seems to provide a minute by minute commentary on our lives but a blow by blow update each time baby blinks or hiccups is not what everybody wants or needs to feel connected. Maybe these grandparents just don't feel the need to know that your pfb has learnt to count backwards in Arameic or sing the Hallelujah chorus to know she is important to them. You are measuring their generation's behaviour by your generation's technology standards. You'll only ever be disappointed.

Itriedtodohandstandsforyou · 27/06/2016 21:26

So they don't even acknowledge your dh when he contacts them? Just ignores him? This all seems rather odd. Has something else happened? Do you bother with his siblings?

Numberoneisgone · 27/06/2016 21:26

Why did you block them on facebook? It seems like they were using that as a way to stay in contact. Were they actually using facebook to be abusive to you (in which case fair enough) or did you just block their preferred method of contact because it wasn't your preferred method

^ This

You are being very prescriptive about what you consider contact. I have nieces and nephews on the other side of the world I very much consider Facebook to be part of our communication. Sending presents qualifies too. Their DS moved away not them. I do think to onus is more on you to travel to them than vice versa.

pictish · 27/06/2016 21:26

I think you're hard faced as fuck! Sorry to be so blunt.

They are miles away. You seem to think they should be falling over themselves to see their granddaughter, but they have probably made peace with the fact that their son chose to live far away from them and they won't get to see her that often. They use facebook and send gifts and cards. They haven't done anything that deserves being blocked on fb and having their offerings spurned ffs.

With the best will in the world you sound quite full of yourself. I think you need to calm down.

OhTheRoses · 27/06/2016 21:26

My apologies. FIL had aspergers. Experiences coloured my view.

evelynj · 27/06/2016 21:27

Yabu and cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Why don't you pencil in a quick task to call them every other month & update them. It doesn't matter who calls who but atm you just sound spiteful. Do you think if you lived closer to them they'd treat you the same as the rest of their family? Also perhaps your family wouldn't be so wonderful if you moved to another country?

I know it's disappointing when family doesn't put in the effort that we'd like but imo the best thing to do is keep the channels of communication open as long as its not too damaging to you. If they've had any inkling of your feelings they probably would rightly assume that they weren't wanted. You should go visit if you're half an hour away. Why don't you even ask them why they don't come over and talk like grown ups