To refuse birthday presents from my LO's grandparents?

[daisyw302]

So long story short, my other halfs parents are not in the picture what so ever, but still call themselves nanny and granda. They live in Ireland so can't see her every day but they've only seen her once, for 3 days when we took her over at 8 weeks old, and she's now 11 months old. Even before she was born they would never come here to see us, we always had to go to them which was obviously a lot easier before baby came along. They refuse to come here because it's too much hassle, they're having work done to their house and use that as an excuse every time. They've never once text/called asking how she is, what she's up to ect, they only find out through Facebook, I've since blocked them and my partner doesn't upload anything so for about a month they haven't even seen a picture of her. They don't speak to us at all, haven't contacted us for about 2 months now. I am absolutely livid and it infuriates me thinking about it, because they've got 2 grandkids over there, our daughter is completley forgotten. His mum will constantly put stuff on Fb about how she's taking the grandkids out for dinner, buying them clothes, having sleepovers, how much she loves them, and never a mention of her granddaughter. My parents on the other hand are great with her and absolutely adore her.

So it's LO's birthday coming up and we invited them to come and stay with us and be here for her birthday and party, to which they turned down simply because they can not be bothered. So that for me was the last straw, no more contact whatsoever. As far as we're concerned she has her family here, they are just her daddy's family, not hers. So I'm sure they'll send a card and maybe a present, but I'm not having it and not opening it. Am I being too harsh? In my eyes, they don't deserve to be her grandparents.

Lots of people find babies a bit boring op.I love them and can't get enough, but have just returned from seeing 3 friends who all admitted to finding their children a bit dull when they were young babies. They are all lovely mothers with fabulous kids.

Don't be so touchy and certainly don't block the ILS on fb or refuse their presents. That's unpleasant behaviour.

I moved to another country and had children there and often discussed this situation with my friends who were in a similar position. It seems the child who moved away is always expected to do the visiting, as they are the one who moved away! It didn't occur to my mum and dad to visit much, until I said that I couldn't come any more because of the cost and the stress of travelling with two LOs. Now my mum comes regularly.
Take the gifts OP and ask the PiL to visit, they might be thoughtless, but don't sound malicious from what you've said.

I was also the one who moved and made the effort to visit back home. Granted, my parents did visit, but it was awful thanks to my mum.

She would always go on and on about the other grandchildren when we talked. Because it was different.
I'm glad I didn't go on my high horse with her.

Well yes yabu... The reason you had a baby and then changed all the rules.. You used to visit phone and understandably have less time with a LO...However nothing has changed in their lives.
They may well feel snubbed you won't visit anymore, will feel snubbed they can't see g. child on FB now.

You said he moved away for you and now you seem to be feeding the fire. How about talking to DH about how to make things better.

I think you need to try to take a step back put it out of your mind & get on with enjoying the relationships with your family. My DHs parents never text or call to see how the kids are (or how he is!) although they do send gifts for Xmas birthdays etc and they do care for the kids I'm sure but they're just selfish people. These are their only grandchildren and time is passing so quickly they've missed so much but I feel nothing but sadness for them.

They do have their own health issues so it's not the same as your situation but MIL is honestly one of the most self absorbed people I've ever met.

We do talk to the kids about them, never in a negative way, and we do take them to visit a couple of times a year. They live close to us so it could be more often but tbh it's just not an effort Im willing to make. I've told DH he's welcome to take the kids more often on his own if he wants but funnily enough he always find better things to do

I'm quite relaxed about it and I think that's the key, don't let it get to you. You're right it is their loss. I have a bit of sadness for my kids as I had a great relationship with my grandparents. DH didn't even know any of his, so maybe that's something to do with it.

Don't do this. I understand your frustration (my FIL is crap and didn't meet my DDs until they were 2 and 3 respectively despite repeated invitations ) but i am basically your grown up DD. My parents cut ties with my dads irish parents. It makes me sad- there's this whole side of my heritage i just don't know. Suck it up for your daughter and just accept some family are a bit crap.

It must be hard, but much much harder for your dh. Especially as your family are much closer and involved.

But I wouldn't completely block contact and refuse cards and gifts. That then completely kills the contact and it will be far harder to come back from. At least now you have some contact between grandchild and grandparents (and son and parents) even though it is very limited. So long as they are not being abusive etc. I would leave off going NC. Just let them continue as they are - they are the ones who will miss out really.

Also the gifts are not really for you to decide. They are your daughter's gifts from her grandparents. And if anyone really does have to decide it must be your partner, they are his parents not yours.

If you refuse gifts etc now and stop all contact entirely, then you may find you end up getting the raw deal from your dd when she gets older and wants to know why they are not in contact. Rightly or wrong, if it's really just about restricted contact and not being abusive etc, I'd leave things as they are for now.

I almost can't believe you blocked them on FB because you felt they weren't giving your dd enough attention. That's so controlling and entitled. You sound like hard work.

Op I think you are getting a really hard time here.
My DPs are similarly disinterested in my DCs and it bloody hurts.
My DF likes to joke that he doesn't know their names. We are not welcome to visit as they don't like small children.

However in my case they have no interest in ANY of their DGC causing hurt and a certain amount of bewilderment amongst my siblings. I couldn't imagine having to stomach facebook posts of them favouring one set over another.

There is a massive difference in knowing the amount of teeth and showing at least a vague interest in the your DD. I don't think you sound like hard work and YANBU.

In my case I've had to accept it and try not to dwell as my elder siblings have fought this battle and lost.

In your case maybe it's worth telling them how you feel as your DH is so hurt.

Sounds like your DD has plenty of loving family around her.

YABVU !

Yes, it might be nice to spend more time with the grandparents, but your solution to not spending much time with them is ......... to spend NO time with them?! That makes no sense to me.

There is 100% back story here. I'd guess his parents are possibly resentful of the fact their son moved to be with her, she's picked up on that or is simply naturally hard work and so relations have never been good.

It must have been hard for them when the baby was born and probably seeing a lot of stuff on social media with your family being involved. That was likely quite hurtful for them, and sometimes people just shut out the thing that's making them sad rather than keep exposing themselves to it. But fair play to them for still trying after you (childishly) blocked them. That must've been a right kick in the nuts.

DP has lived in NI with me for six years. His mum and dad (constantly on hols, good health, plenty of money) have been over once. At this stage in our lives we don't mind travelling to see them. I'm also conscious that as the reason that their son lives so far away I need to put the graft in and play my part in fostering the relationship. Because if I don't they're hardly going to want to come and "impose" on us when we have kids, because it'll be awkward as fuck. Which is pretty much the position you're in now.

Why did you post on here when you're utterly unwilling to even consider the other side? They're not very engaged in your child's life but you're cutting them out even more.

I have a 10 year old and a 7 year old.

My experience is that you can't buy children love.

Haha, nice one stiffstink. And no, OP it does not make her an 'awful person' that she finds babies a bit boring.

Why the hell do you think they would feel welcome/inclined to visit you after you have blocked them on facebook for no reason? I don't think I would. As for withholding gifts and cards, just remember your DD will NOT thank you for this later on in life. If she asks you why you deprived her of a relationship with her extended family and you come up with the feeble reasons you have on here, then she will think you are a loon. Your DH will probably also start secretly resenting you.

Get a grip, think about your DD rather than the fact that someone is not paying YOU enough attention in your eyes by asking whether your baby is crawling and what she eats. I doubt very much whether any of my grandparents knew or asked about any of that stuff. Or if you really think it's essential info, here's an idea, write them an update on facebook, tag them in some pictures of her and make them feel included.

FFS.

They don't know that she's crawling, how many teeth she's got, what size she is, what food she likes. All basic things you'd think someone would know about their grandchild.

This stuff is not interesting to anybody apart from the parents and then when DC2 comes along, even then its kind of forgotten.

Facebook - I can't believe you blocked your child's grandparents. You have a case of PFBitis - you are obsessed and expect everybody else to be.

You are massively unreasonable and sound like you might have some issues you need to resolve about relationships and expectations of other people.

We lived about four hours away from DH's family. His dad has only visited us twice in ten years, and never phones. He has other grandchildren locally who he adores and is with all of the time.

It would be easy to be annoyed about it, but I've just accepted that that's how he is. We try and visit often because when he's with our DS he is a wonderful grandfather and absolutely adores him. I send him postcards with pictures of DS on quite often because I know he loves to see them, and when we visit they have pride of place on the mantelpiece. Some people are just a bit rubbish at staying in touch, without it being mean or malicious.

Yabu

Because they don't fit the mould of what you require for your dd and make the right noises they are being binned off

They are your dp patents have a little respect.

How does he feel

Op, when your lo grows up a bit & you can interact more, (like what happened to your in laws with their children), you will maybe also realise that older children are easier to interact with. Obv we all love our babies & they depend on us but it is nice when they get their own opinions & tbh it shows another sinister side of your character to try to make someone feel shit for saying babies are boring. They are boring!

YABU to go NC, block them and refuse presents but I don't think you would be unreasonable to stop doing all the running in the relationship. If they are ignoring texts and calls wait for them to contact you. Then if you have no contact it will be of their choosing.

Yabu. Very.

"They don't know that she's crawling, how many teeth she's got, what size she is, what food she likes. All basic things you'd think someone would know about their grandchild."

Seriously?

OP, I can see you are upset but I think you and your partner are getting worked up into a self-righteous tizzy and feeding off each other.

Yabu.

Blocking them on Facebook is ridiculous behaviour and not likely to do much for familial relations.

Sorry. I agree. YABU.

I understand what you are going through I now treat my family with the contempt they deserve.

Daisy I do think you are being unreasonable.

I am also sorry because you sound quite distressed about this and I wonder if you might even be suffering from a touch of baby blues. Please, please do not be offended by my saying that.

So your baby is very young and you do not know how long term your baby's relationship with your in-laws will work out.

I am afraid babies can be a bit boring, to some people. It's not a crime not to find them scintillatingly exciting. My mum (now deceased) and my in-laws (lovely grand parents) have no idea how many teeth my kids have or have ever had (as far as i can remember). I don't even know myself!

I think it sounds like (correct me if wrong) that your sister-in-law gets all the attention from her parents because she lives close and you are angry on behalf of your dd (and your dh) and I can totally get that.

But, your child has loving grandparents who live close by too.

It is true your child may one day feel she is second fiddle to her cousins in Ireland but I am worried you are more likely to make this happen, by attempting to stamp out the little 'contact' they do have so very early on.