To refuse birthday presents from my LO's grandparents?

[daisyw302]

So long story short, my other halfs parents are not in the picture what so ever, but still call themselves nanny and granda. They live in Ireland so can't see her every day but they've only seen her once, for 3 days when we took her over at 8 weeks old, and she's now 11 months old. Even before she was born they would never come here to see us, we always had to go to them which was obviously a lot easier before baby came along. They refuse to come here because it's too much hassle, they're having work done to their house and use that as an excuse every time. They've never once text/called asking how she is, what she's up to ect, they only find out through Facebook, I've since blocked them and my partner doesn't upload anything so for about a month they haven't even seen a picture of her. They don't speak to us at all, haven't contacted us for about 2 months now. I am absolutely livid and it infuriates me thinking about it, because they've got 2 grandkids over there, our daughter is completley forgotten. His mum will constantly put stuff on Fb about how she's taking the grandkids out for dinner, buying them clothes, having sleepovers, how much she loves them, and never a mention of her granddaughter. My parents on the other hand are great with her and absolutely adore her.

So it's LO's birthday coming up and we invited them to come and stay with us and be here for her birthday and party, to which they turned down simply because they can not be bothered. So that for me was the last straw, no more contact whatsoever. As far as we're concerned she has her family here, they are just her daddy's family, not hers. So I'm sure they'll send a card and maybe a present, but I'm not having it and not opening it. Am I being too harsh? In my eyes, they don't deserve to be her grandparents.

Make contact with them tell them how you feel and grow up. They aren't mind readers. Your child deserves a family and you are taking away fun trips later in her life as well as your partners parents. It's not about a present- which no I wouldn't be refusing. I'd send a thankful card with pictures of your child and try and rebuild the relationship. Families are important.

Or would you rather teach your child something else??

I can't remember some of that stuff about my own child. Its pretty dull information to be honest. Babies can be really boring and I say that as someone with one at the moment. People ask how much she weighs and I genuinely have no idea. Maybe they're a bit like me and find older kids more interesting and easier to talk about/to.

I think you've cut your nose off to spite your face. Imagine explaining to your DD in the future that you returned gifts from her GPs and prevented contact because their manner and method of contact wasn't to your liking. You'll sound ridiculous. Imagine if DD gets in contact with her GPs and they tell her "we tried to make contact but we were blocked and all gifts were returned, we don't know why though."

Be adult about it, address it and then you can at least say you were honest and you tried.

OP, you've posted in "am I being unreasonable?", you've had quite a lot of sympathetic replies that also say you might be being s little unreasonable. And your response is to tell people they are wrong, on their high horse and they should think the same as you. Why did you post?

FWIW, I think you are hurt and probably some of that comes from hurtful actions from your ILs, whether intentional or unintentional. However, your response to that hurt which is to utterly reject them, block them on FB and withhold their presents from your daughter seems like an overreaction and counterproductive.

stiffstink
I don't think you realise how awful of a person your post makes you sound. I wouldn't tell anyone how boring my child is and I prefer to be around older children. Your poor baby

Your dh was the one to move away, therefore it falls to him to be the facilitator of a long distance relationship. It is too much to expect some people to do long distance travel, however much they'd like to see you.
I tell you this as someone who has done it. Yes it does rankle sometimes to be the ones expected to do all the travel and pushing, but my do having a relationship with their grandparents is important to me so I do it. Just as parenting is done differently by everyone so is grandparent in, don't mistake hands off for not caring.

I think I'm beginning to to understand why the in laws don't visit.

My siblings and I live within a few minutes of each other. Sometimes it's months between contact, mostly at parties.
We get along just fine.
If it depended on my dad I'd rarely be in touch with my parents, as he isn't the type to talk or be in contact. But he has always done what he can for the children.
Take what you get.

As a pp said, if they're not abusive, keep in touch and value what you get from people.

It doesn't make sense to punish them for not being present enough by ensuring they can never be present.

Be the bigger person. Send a thank you card for the gift. Your daughter doesn't wonder now, but she will when she's older. And based on what you've said, they won't come over as the bad guys.

(And I speak as someone with in laws who have a very different level of interest than my own parents.)

YABU

I think I'm beginning to to understand why the in laws don't visit.

I must be getting a MN 6th sense as I got that from the opening post.

My order of preference is actually:

1. High horses
2. Sandwiches
3. Dogs
4. The political history of Mongolia
5. Four year olds
6. Quiz shows. I really like Tipping Point.
7. Babies
8. Facts about other peoples babies' teeth.

Do you think that you maybe over thinking it a wee bit?

Op: aibu

Mumsnet majority: yes!!! Yes you are

Op: you are all on your high horses

A 'flounce' usually follows around this point

You asked if you were being too harsh - yes you are, IMO. Whether you mean to or not you come across as being 'my way or the highway' (you'd reject the present - really - that is over-dramatic and unnecessary) and you haven't said why you blocked them on FB. Is it because you don't like reading about their other grandchildren? Do they know why you blocked them from FB, because that looks like a sign that you don't want to talk to them, yet you complain that they haven't called you. It looks like a mixed message!

They are going to do more with the grandchildren that live near them - that's just the way it is. To say they don't deserve to be grandparents just because they are not doing what you expect is a very strange way of looking at it - why not give your DD the chance to make her own mind up in a few year's time?

op people are asking questions, trying to make sense of this. Why are you so evasive?

Sorry I think stiffs think has many valid points, the baby stage can be uninteresting for many. She's also right about your child's future relationship with her grandparents.
You're trying to cut these people out because it suits you, it's too much hassle for you to include them. That seems childish and short sighted. As for visiting close to them and not going to see the, wow, really really harsh.

daisy. I too think you're being unreasonable.
It's not all about you! I know for you, your daughter is the beginning, middle and end of your world but for them she is another DGC. A DGC that is miles away from them.
Of course they care and are interested but you need to realise that it must be difficult for them too.

They have a different relationship with their nearer DGC, that is unavoidable I would think but it doesn't mean they care about your DD any less.
I think you need to grow up and keep the lines of communications open, for everyones benefit, your DH, your DD and the inlaws.

stiffstink

Personally I wouldn't return / refuse a present from GP's. Life is too short - yes it's not what you would have wanted in terms of relationship but it's up to your DH to battle it out if he wants something to change. I know friends who went through something similar, gifts returned by them at birthdays, Easter and then one of the GP's died. I don't mean to guilt trip but in the overall scheme of things life's too short IMHO

Lweji you have a point ! Bloody hell OP you sound like hard work!

YAB incredibly U
Just because they don't measure up to your expectations, you block them on the one way they have regular connections with their GD who lives in a different country from them
You then decide, because they won't jump through your hoops, to not give the present they have chosen, and sent to your dd, to her??

You sound incredibly immature and lacking in ability to understand that different people do things differently.