Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU - woman taking dd's hand

360 replies

wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 16:15

To start out I don't think I was being unreasonable and if anything I think I should have done more but would appreciate some outside input as I have an anxiety disorder and not sure that I wasn't seeing this situation as more than it was.

Pulled into the car park at our local Home Bargains store and was getting dd out the car. She is massively independent but still only 2.10 so I insist on her holding my hand as she has little road sense as with most kids her age. She was refusing and was holding her hands together saying she was being friends I could bloody murder Justin fletcher. Next thing I know some random woman is saying to dd "come and hold my hand" dd obliged and the woman started to walk dd towards the shop.

I grabbed dd's hand and said something along the lines of "this way darling we need to get a trolley" and pulled her away from the woman. I then tried to tell dd that we don't talk to strangers and we never hold hands with them because not all stranger are nice people. The woman must have heard me and as I walked past her in the shop she told me I was rude and unkind and she was only trying to help.

Wibu? I never said anything to her but I wanted to tell her to get her hands off my dd.

OP posts:
Biffsboys · 27/06/2016 23:16

Can't believe all these people saying you were rude ? Never in a million years would I take the hand of a strangers child and walk them away!! If someone done it with mine I would be very annoyed .

RebelRogue · 27/06/2016 23:25

Amarmai have you considered a career in writing?

AndYourBirdCanSing · 27/06/2016 23:28

No you weren't rude and didn't over react. I'm Confused at some of the comments on this thread.

FuriousFate · 28/06/2016 00:57

Cath - gosh, you really just give the impression of not being able to cope with your DC at all if strangers have had cause to intervene multiple times! I'd die of shame if there was a genuine need for a stranger to intervene as my parenting was that appalling, they felt compelled to save my children from me.

Note - the OP didn't go looking for drama. The nosy cow who interfered unnecessarily? Yes, she did, in spades!

amarmai · 28/06/2016 01:25

There is a thread on mn about a man who after being told by a 4 year old's mother not to throw her son into the pool, went ahead and did just that. She did not know him . Apparently that was ok too to some mners?? Where does this weird crossing of boundaries and entitled interfering between a mother and a small child come from? Wd the fe/male s who do this kind of thing. Sim ignore a father and small child. And do whatever they feel like with another person's child?

Beeziekn33ze · 28/06/2016 01:56

You don't touch other people's children.
Unless, of course, you have their permission or have authority as you are in loco parentis.
She was being stupid, YANBU.

user1465823522 · 28/06/2016 02:05

*I grabbed dd's hand and said something along the lines of "this way darling we need to get a trolley" and pulled her away from the woman. I then tried to tell dd that we don't talk to strangers and we never hold hands with them because not all stranger are nice people. The woman must have heard me and as I walked past her in the shop she told me I was rude and unkind and she was only trying to help.

Wibu? I never said anything to her but I wanted to tell her to get her hands off my dd.*

soooooooooo.....a stranger tries to help your kid not get run over in the car park and you have a pissy fit about it?

ohtheholidays · 28/06/2016 02:35

YWNBU but she was.She most probably wanted to help but who in they're right mind takes the hand of a strangers child and starts walking off with them!?

She should have done the sensible and normal thing and asked if she could help if she wanted to and there is no way she should have said you were being rude when you were talking to your DD about not going of with people you don't know!

sykadelic · 28/06/2016 02:48

user1465823522 RTFT!!!

OP You were NOT unreasonable. As others have said.

  1. Dd was not having a tantrum but smiling and playing with her mum.
  2. She DID NOT help the OP's DD cross any road - her dd was stood in front of her on the pavement.
  3. The woman did not say a word to the mum, or know the mum or child, but ordered the dd to take her hand and then walked immediately away
  4. The OP had at no point mentioned which of the several shops they were near she was going to. The woman was not "taking OP's child to the same place" as she would have had no idea where OP was actually going (and likewise OP couldn't have known where this woman was trying to lead her DD).
  5. When OP took her dd's other hand to take back her child, the woman did not let go and OP had to pull her dd away.
  6. OP then walked away from the woman to a different location who instead of continuing on her way, stayed close to OP and deliberately listened to what she said

The full facts of this are what makes this especially creepy. There is a HUGE difference between speaking to the parent and saying "would your DD like to walk with me to X?" and what this woman did. She had absolutely no business interfering in the interaction between OP and her child. She had obviously been listening in to their conversation but not watching (so probably wasn't aware DD was playing a game).

I don't care how good your intentions are; you don't take the hand of someone elses child, without their parents permission, and walk off with them towards an unknown location. It's completely and utterly wrong.

Costaflyby11 · 28/06/2016 03:09

What the actual hell is wrong with some people? Did I seriously just read that someone has said stranger danger is outdated now?!!!

HmmConfused seriously?!!! It is just as important now as ever to teach children stranger danger, I hate it when people say 'strangers are much less danger to children as people you know, they're the ones most likely to cause kids harm' fine yes maybe that's true but it's not exclusively people know to them, it's like when people say you're more likely to be killed by a coconut than a shark, doesn't mean I'm going to be less aware of the dangers of sharks! Ridiculous!

OP imho it is just as important now as ever to teach children stranger danger, I would be extremely worried if my DC happily walked off with a stranger, and as a stranger to most kids I meet in public I can honestly say I have never felt the need to lead any of them away from their parents, the fact that this woman was probably trying to help is insignificant, she should know better than to take a child off without speaking to its mother!

I despair at some people attitude to child safety I really do!

BengalCatMum · 28/06/2016 03:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myownprivateidaho · 28/06/2016 03:34

I think yanbu at all. She was trying to be helpful, but seriously who thinks it's ok to commandeer a stranger's two year old in the street. Not ok. And as someone with a vivid memory of being asked to get into a man's white can aged around 7, I think that it's good to remind kids not to go off with an unknown adult,. Nothing hysterical about that message, I don't go off with unknown adults myself today!

randomcatname · 28/06/2016 03:42

Yep overreaction on your part. What you gonna do? Wrap her in cotton wool. You were right there fgs.

TheStoic · 28/06/2016 04:40

Stranger danger is seriously outdated and should not be taught to children!

Uh, what? On what planet do you not teach your children to kick up a fuss if a stranger tries to lead them or take them somewhere? That's pretty much Parenting 101.

I think it was a very, very strange thing for someone to do - especially without even acknowledging you first. I don't think I'd be angry, though. More just very perplexed.

AppleSetsSail · 28/06/2016 05:02

You were being rude and overreacted. Were you actually worried that this woman was going to kidnap your daughter?

I don't understand the desire for mothers of young children to have so much control over them (I'll just await the hysterical rebuttal). When mine were young I was grateful for stranger friendliness because it made me happy to see people taking an interest in my children, it broke the monotony and often times was very helpful.

As always, some people are a bit awkward but this woman clearly meant your child no harm.

AppleSetsSail · 28/06/2016 05:05

She needs to be described to the police and I wd not be surprised if she is already known to the police. There was no kindness involved in this

Take heart OP - amarmai seems to think you under-reacted.

AppleSetsSail · 28/06/2016 05:13

IMHO North/ south divide as well makes a difference. If someone did this up north I would be more inclined to believe they have good intentions; but down south this is crazy. I am from south so I know you just don't speak or interact with strangers.. In north I find strangers talk and interact in public quite often.

Speak for yourself. I'm a Londoner and I chat with strangers all the time. I'm also one of those people who loves babies, I often times smile at them without bothering to get permission. That's it, though, I know from MN not to play peek-a-boo or pat head/reciprocate an outstreched hand.

Costaflyby11 · 28/06/2016 05:17

Apple - I don't think it's that op or anyone commenting think this particular lady was trying to kidnap her DC (although stranger things have happened) I think it the fact that it was a strange thing to do without communicating with the op at all, and also more worryingly that her DC just happily toddled off with her, Children should have some sense of stranger danger as unfortunately children are still taken from their parents in public places by people that aren't wearing a big 'kidnapper' sign, it was only a few weeks ago that 2 young girls took a toddler away from its mum, i honestly despair that people are suggesting this is not something kids should be taught!

I'm not suggesting they should be terrified of strangers, but a basic knowledge of not going off with people they don't know is a must in my opinion!

Costaflyby11 · 28/06/2016 05:18

Also there a big difference between smiling and 'peek a booing' with a kid and physically leading them off somewhere...obviously! Hmm

AppleSetsSail · 28/06/2016 05:34

Costa 'traditional' kidnappings e.g. a stranger leading a child off while her parents are distracted account for a vanishing small fraction of child abductions. Children who go missing are overwhelmingly taken by someone they know (and indeed often a family member).

TheStoic · 28/06/2016 05:45

That's it, though, I know from MN not to play peek-a-boo or pat head/reciprocate an outstreched hand.

There's always one who can't fully grasp the original concept, and has to compare two completely different scenarios. Usually, ironically, the same one accusing others of reacting hysterically.

AppleSetsSail · 28/06/2016 05:54

Oops, I was responding to the post about people not talking to each other in the SE! Sorry for deviating Stoic, I'm going to have a firm word with myself now. Wink

kawliga · 28/06/2016 05:56

OP, you are allowed to be unreasonable and rude to strangers who take your child by the hand and lead her away from her mother. As a mother, being polite and reasonable to strangers is not your highest priority.

You have ONE job, and that's to keep your child safe. Please, go ahead and be as unreasonable and rude as possible to creepy feckers, they deserve it. Whether they were trying to help or not is completely irrelevant.

Costaflyby11 · 28/06/2016 06:00

If you read my original post you would see that I agree, a stranger walking off with your child is unlikely but it does happen, like I said only the other week a little boy was lead away from its mum in a busy area and taken, the same as many other famous cases over the years! Unusual but does happen!

as a parent i am not going to sit back and just 'hope' my child doesn't get taken I am going to make sure my child knows that if someone tries to take him it is not ok and to kick up a fuss! As far as I'm concerned you'd have to be insane to think It was ok to lead a child you didn't know off somewhere!

And yes you seem to have purposely missed the original point of course playing peek a boo and smiling at a child is totally different!

kawliga · 28/06/2016 06:03

a vanishing small fraction of child abductions

Oh, that's alright then, if it's only a small fraction of abductions. And anyway, what the actual fuck has abduction got to do with it? I will not let a stranger take my child away, even if she's not an abductor and has never hurt a fly and means only to help.

If you are feeling kind and helpful, smile and play peekaboo, ok? Wave your hand and make friendly noises and be done. Don't take the child by the hand and walk away from the mother ffs.