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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU - woman taking dd's hand

360 replies

wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 16:15

To start out I don't think I was being unreasonable and if anything I think I should have done more but would appreciate some outside input as I have an anxiety disorder and not sure that I wasn't seeing this situation as more than it was.

Pulled into the car park at our local Home Bargains store and was getting dd out the car. She is massively independent but still only 2.10 so I insist on her holding my hand as she has little road sense as with most kids her age. She was refusing and was holding her hands together saying she was being friends I could bloody murder Justin fletcher. Next thing I know some random woman is saying to dd "come and hold my hand" dd obliged and the woman started to walk dd towards the shop.

I grabbed dd's hand and said something along the lines of "this way darling we need to get a trolley" and pulled her away from the woman. I then tried to tell dd that we don't talk to strangers and we never hold hands with them because not all stranger are nice people. The woman must have heard me and as I walked past her in the shop she told me I was rude and unkind and she was only trying to help.

Wibu? I never said anything to her but I wanted to tell her to get her hands off my dd.

OP posts:
MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 27/06/2016 20:57

The woman may well have had good intentions, but your DD still should be aware not to go off with strangers as the next person might not have good intentions like she did.

All you were doing was teaching your DD about how to stay safe. Can't believe anyone would say you were in he wrong for that!

MN world is obviously full of unicorns and rainbows compared to RL. Hmm

YANBU.

Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 20:59

sirchenjen i think i will do my best to adopt that policy!

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 21:00

thank you for your kind words meandmy

I feel much calmer having argued my corner and had others say they agree the woman was out of order - thank you for all your comments!

OP posts:
Snowflakes1122 · 27/06/2016 21:01

No. Not at all unreasonable! Maybe she was trying to help, but who knows she could have been a loon!

whydidhesaythat · 27/06/2016 21:03

exactly OP.

had it been a mumsnet debate, I'd be bickering with you about stranger danger but you were reacting by instinct and had no time to gather together appropriate vocabulary!

Be at peace with yourself about it - the lady may well be upset but next time she will ask first I expect. She is the one who needs to learn from the episode, and I'm saying this as a massive "takes a village" person.

whydidhesaythat · 27/06/2016 21:05

indeed as you say - flush of fear.

She unnecessarily and stupidly provoked a "flush of fear" response from you. her fault and the weird confrontational situation in the road could itself have been dangerous.

I'm banging my gavel!

DoveBlue · 27/06/2016 21:06

It is not in my opinion normal to take a childs hand without talking to the adult with them. I would have been unsettled too. I'm not a person who thinks kidnappers and paedophiles are on every street corner. I quite often ask strangers for help e.g. someones parked too close when get back to car to get baby in ask random passerby to hold on to trolley with dc in while i move car etc. Very big difference to blanking you and starting to walk away with your child (however kind she may have been trying to be)

You were a bit passive aggressive with the after actions but she was also rude to bring it up with you. If she was happy to talk to you she could have avoided whole situation by saying to you 'shall I try?'.

Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 21:08

whydid - it gets worse cos i am a trained safeguarding person and use it in part of one of my jobs! I still firmly believe that it is appropriate to explain to kids that not everyone they come across is nice and safe and you are right that i will be explaining to dd in age appropriate terms with better explanation of what she should do if lost etc. I am not necessarily a 'takes a village' person but i can see where it has its positives

OP posts:
Splandy · 27/06/2016 21:11

You are massively, hugely, staggeringly NOT unreasonable! My immediate reaction would've been to shout at her and grab my child back! And no, I don't think you should have listened to her or apologised to her in the shop either! The cheeky bitch! I just read this out to my husband cos I was so surprised that many people said you were unreasonable, and his response was "hell no, I would've kicked her in the cunt" Shock we don't tend to use that word (or kick people), so I think he was trying to get across just how NOT unreasonable you were.

So you're supposed to just meekly go along with somebody else deciding they know better with your child? Somebody comes out of nowhere, doesn't speak you, you haven't even made eye contact with them, but they directly address your child and take them away and you're supposed to timidly follow behind, acting all grateful? No way! You're not a child and you don't bloody need other people involving themselves in interactions between you and your daughter! Even if she wasn't some sort of child abductor, she is being incredibly weird and presumptuous! And then to come over and confront you about ANOTHER private interaction with your child?! Teaching your child whatever you feel is important in that moment is far more important than being polite to a rude woman! You controlled yourself very well. Don't doubt yourself or your instincts, you are her parent.

Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 21:12

dove until she accosted me in the shop i had no idea she had been anywhere near. it was certainly not my intention to offend her. In fact it never occurred to me that it might. It just seemed a good teaching opportunity to explain to dd that holding someone's hand and walking off with them is not something we do. had i wanted to upset her i would have gone with my gut at the time and yelled at her for walking off with my dd

OP posts:
Splandy · 27/06/2016 21:13

I had to use a lot of punctuation in that post to show my shock at people thinking you were unreasonable Blush

whydidhesaythat · 27/06/2016 21:14

lol re safeguarding person - poor you.

I had a sudden confrontation thing once when someone thought I had tried to drive off after scraping her car and luckily I just froze and kept thinking "either this will end or I will die, one of those things will happen" and my mouth sort of seized up (thank god) and would only say "yes, sorry" but I couldn't make my face match my words because I was too shocked.

There you are, a respectable member of society going about your business. One minute later you're coming down from flush of fear then you're being asked why you are unkind/accusing nice ladies of being paedophiles, etc,etc. It's like falling through a trapdoor.

I have found my own experience really helpful when dealing with other people who aren't behaving well, so try to use this nasty moment for the good, and good luck with the safeguarding chat which no doubt you will do very well without my unwanted advice!

Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 21:15

splandy you and your husband have both made me laugh and made me cry a little. Thank you both. The c word is not one i use either so please assure your hubby that i appreciate his uncensored response!

OP posts:
Splandy · 27/06/2016 21:17

Christ, you don't need to explain yourself to anybody or analyse the details about whether you might have offended her. I have suffered with anxiety in the past and understand exactly what you mean about not trusting your own thoughts or reactions. Nothing to second guess here, you were doing your job as a mother and instinctively protecting your child and asserting your authority as her mom.

Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 21:18

whydid your advice has been invaluable thus far so thank you! I work with girls from 5 upwards as a norm so this is very uncharted waters! dd has a huge vocab and chatters away at a level much beyond her understanding so i have an interesting challenge...Dr Google may be used

OP posts:
Original poster
wheresthel1ght · 27/06/2016 21:20

Thank you splandy after some of the responses on here that was very much appreciated!

OP posts:
Thisismyfirsttime · 27/06/2016 21:40

I would have been really pissed off with her. I think it's an overreaction to immediately think dd was in any danger from the woman but I'd consider that undermining me massively. I've told my child to hold my hand near a road or we're going nowhere (a debate my 2 year old and I have often) and she waltzes in to merrily take her where? What if she'd taken dd to a shop entrance to wait while you went to get a trolley and dd suddenly realised you weren't there and bolted from her to get back to you from across the road? I could imagine that happening with dd.

Magicpaintbrush · 27/06/2016 22:43

Oh my bloody God - you are NOT being unreasonable! Who in their right mind walks off with someone else's child like that? I'm not surprised you reacted as you did! You didn't know the woman and she didn't know you, how could she have expected any other reaction? Well meaning or not, her actions were very ill considered.

FuriousFate · 27/06/2016 22:52

Totally agree thisis. I'm baffled by the posters who are concerned with making the interfering busybody feel bad. She should have felt bad for poking her nose in!

amarmai · 27/06/2016 22:53

The reason the woman heard what op was saying to her dd was she followed and stayed close in order to listen. The whole episode is disturbing as the dd was not having a tantrum but smiling and playing with her mum. The woman did not say a word to the mum ,,but ordered the dd to take her hand and then walked immediately away from the mum. If the mum had another child in the vehicle that she cd not leave in the vehicle , who knows how far the woman cd have gone with the dd before the mother caught up. As it was the mother took her dd's other hand but the woman did not let go . The mum had to pull her dd awaiy. The mother then turned her back on the woman who shd have proceeded on her way ,but she didn't, she stayed close to mum and dd and deliberately listened to what the mum said and then intervened to verbally abuse the mother. Amazingly --or not, there are several miners who are happy to jump on this weird woman's bandwagon and pile in abusing the mum?? YWNU! OP!The weird woman was .I wd report this incident to the police as there is def a concern regarding what this woman did trying to make off with your dd. She needs to be described to the police and I wd not be surprised if she is already known to the police. There was no kindness involved in this . Trust your instincts as you were there and we were not.

FuriousFate · 27/06/2016 23:05

Agree re reporting. She wasn't being kind, she was being weird! Who does this? Wanders up to a totally normal, happy family scene and tries to walk off with a child?! I think it's a sad endictment of AIBU that so many posters are ready to argue that black is white in the name of making a point and 'proving' that the OP is being unreasonable. In this case it's doubly sad as the OP has already said she suffers from anxiety and was trying to gauge whether her reaction was sufficient. Anytime she's tried to clarify what went on and how in control of her DC she was, she's been accused of not being able to cope or not taking it on the chin that she's been U (by the SWBU camp). I wonder how all the naysayers would feel if this actually happened to them...

cathf · 27/06/2016 23:05

Aramarni
Words fail me.

cathf · 27/06/2016 23:11

FuriousFate
It has actually happened to me quite a few times.
I thought the other person was being kind. I have Also done this myself in the past.
But then I just get on with life as easily as I can and do not look for drama at every opportunity.

Only1scoop · 27/06/2016 23:14

I've seriously heard it all now.

Yes of course

Inform the Police

Only1scoop · 27/06/2016 23:15

Bloody hell