"It's Your Body But It Will Be My Baby Too"

[picklypopcorn]

So last night DP and I were having a casual discussion about my implant which is due to be taken out next month after 3 years floating about in my arm keeping us baby free.

For context, I'm 25 and he's 27, been together 8 years with no problems and both employed although I'm the breadwinner and on a bit of an upwards thrust at work at the moment. We have a mortgage on a 2 bed house we've lived in for 2 years and yes, I have to admit we have a perfect set up for a baby... you can see where this is going.

We've had the baby discussion before and i thought we both see babies as an "in the future" type of thing..we've even discussed that DP will be a SAHD while I go back to work etc. Last night I talked about wanting to go back on the pill after the implant is taken out until my career stagnates and I'm on a bit more money... DP's reaction was massive disappointment because he'd assumed when the implant came out we'd just start "seeing what happens" and stop taking baby prevention precautions...

At one point, very amicably and there was no nastiness intended, he said "I know it's your body and career and stuff but it will be my baby too and I think we're really really ready"... I got irrationally angry inside but didn't have a go at him or anything because I know he didn't mean it to sound like it did ..

AIBU to hold back on the baby making knowing we could cope and knowing it's what DP really really wants? Am I being really selfish here? DP hasn't tried to make me feel bad about it or anything and we had a lovely evening snuggled up on the sofa but it's been churning away in my head all night. I want to have a baby too, but I'm 25 and I can't help feeling like I want to be closer to 30 and my career not to get stalled now?

How do other couples make the decision to stop taking precautions?

i'd also say the same op - my lovely mum had many DC because she never sorted out her earnings and all her alternatives were badly paid and rubbish - and she's had feelings of worthlessness and mh issues her whole life related to feeling undervalued. it may just be her story - it was my GM's too and the reason i think both parents need to be able to work a bit and look after their dc a bit.

Margaret you completely mis-read my post. I meant that while on maternity leave with her baby she might decide she would rather be the SAHP than be the earner. Nothing to do with loving a child more or less than someone who works or not!

I am a working mum myself. I stayed at home for a year before I went back for my own sanity. I love my child but I could not be a SAHP even if I could afford to.

"I know it's your body and career and stuff but it will be my baby too and I think we're really really ready".

Rem what is wrong with what he's said?

I really don't see how I misread it, but fine. My point still stands that many, many people don't have the option of not working and they're fine. Do you really think people should only have children if they can afford for the mother - and apparently it does have to be the mother, apparently no men ever 'resent' having to work - to give up work on an indefinite basis? The birth rate would plummet! My husband and I earn 'middle class salaries' (a lecturer and a teacher) but we live in London - if we wait to be able to live off his salary alone we would essentially be giving up on the idea of having children.

Am glad you have seen your GP and hope that the GAD meds kick in and give you a better outlook on things. It sounds like DP has agreed to wait and however keen the grandmothers-in-waiting are, you're not being ganged up on.

I am a bit concerned reading this your DP is treating the prospect of parenthood like a new project. Hopefully he will embrace fatherhood but there's no guarantee the baby will automatically brighten his life. Learning to drive will be an asset - he won't want to feel isolated if you live in a rural area.

Like many SAHMs I suspect happiest stay-at-home dads are the ones who have another outlet. They are either creative types or working part-time at something they love. However I think a lot of us before the baby arrived underestimated the sheer exhaustion recurring sleep deprivation can cause - so now might be the best time if he wants to try his hand at something new, before you actually conceive.

Just off the top of my head 'Things to do with a music degree' I wonder what Music Therapy entails?

I don't think DP is thinking like that but I think he needs to. In his mind being a parent gives him purpose and he values that more than he values having a career. I don't see that there's anything wrong with that, he'd still be picking up gigs and working on the music side of things so I think that would keep him motivated. He gigs in a weddings and functions band, they are signed to an agency and make a fair bit off that but it's just not stable enough to support us long term, hence he works a 0 hours contract in a restaurant for stability.

I don't want to be shot down for this but your DP should keep in mind just how different it is for SAHDs vs SAHMs sometimes - you mention you're rural and that would concern me.

The majority of carers at toddler groups will be women - mothers or grandmas. People in the park. Pretty much anything he wants to do out the house in the daytime will probably be dominated by women. Has he considered how this will affect his confidence, feeling like the odd one out all the time? Women jokingly asking him if it's 'his turn' or if he's 'babysitting' - over time could this corrode his self-belief, make him feel he's not good enough to be the main carer? Plus women with young babies often like to talk about birth stories and leaky boobs (I know not all the time, Mumsnet, but that is my experience) will he feel comfortable navigating that?

Low confidence + trying to establish yourself in a field dominated by the opposite gender...rarely ends well. I second the idea of him getting some childcare experience so he'll have at least come up against that sexism before your child becomes the experiment

Ok so music would still be his outlet. Good.

But... He'd still be picking up gigs when you have DC? What does that entail practically speaking? Does that mean you'd be left looking after the baby on your own for evenings or weekends, having worked all day/all week? Not good if so.

I think it might be a good idea for him to look into ways to keep his music going which don't involve evenings/weekends away. Guitar lessons... baby music classes... not as glam as being a Rock God (to quote your previous thread yes I know it was tongue in cheek) but that's having DC for you. Is he prepared that he might not be able to do his band thing? Or not much?

Still don't like the idea of anyone (male or female) having babies to give themselves a purpose. What if he decides he's not cut out for it? And what happens once the DC (or DCs) get older ... is he going to want you to keep having babies to give him something to do (and an excuse not to work...)?

Margaret my comment was in regards to THIS thread and the op's situation were she can afford for her DP to SAH. It was not a broard generalisation of everyone else's circumstances or life choices. You have merely chosen to interpret it in that way.

I was merely pointing out that if she changed her mind and wanted to be the one to SAH he doesn't have the financial capacity to support that desicion.

Of course it is your body and your baby, but if he was a woman we all would be telling him to leave you and find someone for whom children are not a distant possibility.

Fortunately for him, his clock is not ticking. But I think if he wants children, and it has been already decided that he is going to leave his job and become a SAHD when the child comes, perhaps he should have a say about the timing too? Your decision to delay may be affecting his career options too.

You need to find what works for both of you, as you both will be parenting that child. If you cannot find the middle ground, well... time to say good bye?

I have was merely pointing out that if she changed her mind and wanted to be the one to SAH he doesn't have the financial capacity to support that desicion.

So what did you think pointing out this obvious fact would achieve? Because it certainly sounded like you were suggesting there was something inherently wrong with a female bread-winner, which is pretty bloody backwards. I find it impossible to imagine that a thread with the same situation but reversed genders would have received responses along these lines.

no or even if Op wanted to work PT, currently that'd be hard to afford. I agree with minipie, my DH travels a lot at some times of year and it can be relentless to work hard all week and then have no break all weekend. It sounds as though Op has good family backup, but people can talk a great game and then when you need the help it mysteriously doesn't happen - you've got no come back to that as they're your DC.

mini there is a SAHD here who runs baby ukulele classes! Always sold out. Brings his daughter along - now 2 - been doing it since she was 6m apparently. Him running toddler music classes is a brill idea they are so popular

but if he was a woman we all would be telling him to leave you and find someone for whom children are not a distant possibility.

Would we all be saying that to a 27 year old woman with a 25 year old boyfriend? I wouldn't! Especially if that woman was working on the assumption that the boyfriend would be the sole earner - I would definitely agree that it made sense to build up his career further first in that case. The OP has made it very clear that she does want children, but that she thinks waiting another two years would be better. That isn't a 'distant possibility'.

I've read only your posts OP but I think you need to encourage your DP to start doing his electrical engineering stuff. Is it possible to do it one level at a time. So your joint mind set is "let's do the 1st year and see how it goes" if it isn't for him then he doesn't carry on?

I would remind him that gigging etc, doesn't usually go well with a young family and what happens if the baby doesn't turn up as quickly as hoped for, there is only one etc. Your DP does need something in his life?

Many of us seriously lack in confidence but it sounds like he needs to prove it to himself that his is cable. He is clearly able as HE did get his 2:!. Sounds like you both need to work on getting your Mum's to pipe down and keep their opinions and desires to themselves more than they do currently...

it certainly sounded like you were suggesting there was something inherently wrong with a female bread- winner

Only in your head Margaret. You are reading between the non existant lines and seeing what you want.

There is nothing wrong with the OP being the breadwinner. I used to be myself. It just doesn't sit comfortably with me that her DP is using the not even conceived yet baby as an excuse not to improve his own earning potential now, before having children. Therefore giving them less options in the future.

If this was a reverse I would say exactly the same thing.

You make several comments about broody grandmas so I wonder if your dp is feeling under pressure from his mother to produce a grandchild and wants to please her? Also he might assume that his mum will be hands on and help out with childcare whilst she is in good health?

Would your DP consider being a music teacher? Again, not a massively high-paying job but it's something he can do from home, so will work around the SAHD situation as well, and it's something he both loves and is good at (music) - plus it would give him another income source and creative outlet.

I tend to agree that it would benefit him to find something else to train as while you are still working your way up the career ladder - and maybe in 3 years (or 5, or whatever) he'll have another qualification.

As far as I know, you don't need a teaching qualification to give private music lessons, but it might be an advantage to have some kind of teaching background. I know, for e.g., that my doing a TEFL course both massively improved my self-confidence, and gave me an "in" to teaching (not in schools, I hasten to add) that led me to a very enjoyable job. So that might be an option for him? I know you said he's dyslexic but, despite his mother, I don't think that should be a millstone to hold him down the whole time - it's an issue, sure, but one that can be worked around with the right help.

But I agree with your basic point - YANBU. He might be in a hurry, but you have still got things that you need to do before you get pregnant - and given your GAD, if YOU aren't ready, then it might pre-dispose you more to having AND and/or PND. So YOU need to be ready and he needs to understand that, for your wellbeing.

I can't believe all of the pp advising you to get married. Generally marriage benefits the poorer half of a couple and this is undoubtedly your dp, especially when you inherit the house. Obviously you could still get married for love but it would be very much your dp not you that would benefit!

Dp and I have also been together since we were young (we were 18) and have pretty much always known we wanted dc and that I would SAH with them. We waited though, 25 just seems young. You are at the start of your, by the sound of it promising career, still not earning big money and time is very much on your side. In the meantime your dp needs to find a purpose, I realise that's easier said than done. Also, whilst I'm sure you will be fine, you do need to consider what might happen if you struggle to conceive.

One poster mentioned whether he'd be comfortable in the mainly female world of baby groups and toddler activities. I think this is an important point - I had my first baby last year and my husband took a couple of months shared parental leave when I went back to work. He's confident and outgoing, knew a couple of mums at the groups from the ante-natal course we did, and everyone was friendly, but he still found it difficult and isolating to be the only dad there. If your DP is anxious and lacking in confidence, I imagine he could find this part being a SAHD very difficult.

I agree with the previous posters who have said you might not want to go back to work full-time, or even go back at all. I'm not a naturally maternal person and find being a mum a bit difficult, but wouldn't want to work full-time - I work four days a week and really enjoy our day at home together. How would you feel if you wanted to go part-time and couldn't? Also, to be blunt, I've noticed it's rare for mums to work full-time when their children are small and you will probably get judged for it (I've had a couple of comments about working 'nearly full-time').

DH and I always had a very equal relationship, but I found that in the first few months of being a mum I was struggling a bit and wanted DH to deal with anything difficult. It was nothing major - minor house repairs, problems with direct debits not going out on time, that kind of minor domestic woes, but I was surprised by how much I felt I couldn't handle stuff that wouldn't have bothered me before. Can you trust him to take over when you don't have the capacity? It does sound like you're the 'leader' in the relationship, to be honest. You don't want to be stressed out with adjusting to being a mum and having to deal with stuff because he can't manage it.

Finally, I think Ilostit's comment about pleasing his mum by producing a grandchild could be true. Something to think about? It also sounds like you're being pressurised by your local friends - perhaps a bit of distance from them and spending time with people who haven't settled down and had children so early would reassure both of you?

Thanks everyone for the input, some really interesting takes on our situation :)

Do as you like about having a baby. Despite leaning in , a child is a mother's responsibility far more in the vast majority of cases. If you choose to have a child, marry before the child is born. It's the best thing for all concerned, and makes future planning much simpler.

We are very similar to you. Similar age, same house situation. We both work full time though, (55k between us and my earning potential goes up by 30% when I qualify early next year). We also get married this year. Kids are still a couple of years off for us because I want savings behind us and a better salary at least for me. Not sure what part of the country you are in but even on 27k with a SAHP, that wouldn't be enough for me to feel comfortable. Also of the 'no way am I having your child unless there is a ring on it' brigade.

Not sure if the 150k inheritance would wipe your mortgage or not but be careful, money drains fast when only one of you works. I definitely would focus on getting your DP into a better job 'just in case' you decide you're better placed to stay at home or so he can do part time/get back into work easier when kids go to school.

I am a fellow overly cautious person. My career choice reflects it well!!

Actually my DH had a life changing diagnosis in his early 30s - I would never recommend that you lean on one person to have the only career. Best laid plans and all that.

I've also discovered as my DC reach teenage hood - they are darned expensive at time... I miss the early years when they were so much cheaper!!!!

I wouldn't want to be the full time sole breadwinner with a SAHP and risk having less than 50% of the time with my DC in the event of relationship breakdown, given that lots of relationships do break down.

In that scenario I also wouldn't want to get married!

You don't actually know whether your DP will be a good parent/SaHD, and be able to deal with the drudgery aspects of it, or whether you'll actually enjoy working full time.