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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

"It's Your Body But It Will Be My Baby Too"

130 replies

picklypopcorn · 27/06/2016 15:53

So last night DP and I were having a casual discussion about my implant which is due to be taken out next month after 3 years floating about in my arm keeping us baby free.

For context, I'm 25 and he's 27, been together 8 years with no problems and both employed although I'm the breadwinner and on a bit of an upwards thrust at work at the moment. We have a mortgage on a 2 bed house we've lived in for 2 years and yes, I have to admit we have a perfect set up for a baby... you can see where this is going.

We've had the baby discussion before and i thought we both see babies as an "in the future" type of thing..we've even discussed that DP will be a SAHD while I go back to work etc. Last night I talked about wanting to go back on the pill after the implant is taken out until my career stagnates and I'm on a bit more money... DP's reaction was massive disappointment because he'd assumed when the implant came out we'd just start "seeing what happens" and stop taking baby prevention precautions...

At one point, very amicably and there was no nastiness intended, he said "I know it's your body and career and stuff but it will be my baby too and I think we're really really ready"... I got irrationally angry inside but didn't have a go at him or anything because I know he didn't mean it to sound like it did Hmm..

AIBU to hold back on the baby making knowing we could cope and knowing it's what DP really really wants? Am I being really selfish here? DP hasn't tried to make me feel bad about it or anything and we had a lovely evening snuggled up on the sofa but it's been churning away in my head all night. I want to have a baby too, but I'm 25 and I can't help feeling like I want to be closer to 30 and my career not to get stalled now?

How do other couples make the decision to stop taking precautions?

OP posts:
sashh · 28/06/2016 10:46

So you are not totally against a baby now, but you think it will be better to wait.

And you are practical, so look at the actual cost of a baby (or two - twins are rare but not unknown) and your finances and then write a wish list that you would want for your child.

Do you just want one? If you want more than one what gap would you like?

What about school? Nursery? Holidays? Clothes and toys.

What are the costs of your partner studying?

Maybe you can afford a baby now, but will a couple of years allow you to give your baby and you the lifestyle you want?

Oh and get married - it gives you both rights and responsibilities. Friends of friends didn't want to get married, when their baby was born he was very ill and the hospital would only take instructions from mum - they got married quite quickly afterwards.

AdoraKiora · 28/06/2016 10:47

if you just 'see what happens' once your implant is out you'll likely end up with a baby very soon. You dont sound ready for that yet and thats NOT selfish.

You're mid twenties. Another couple of years of career progression and fun times sounds like a perfectly reasonable plan.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/06/2016 10:48

Why doesn't he teach Pickly? Sounds like he'd make a great primary school teacher.

I do get the impression he wants a baby to avoid having to have a career.

picklypopcorn · 28/06/2016 10:51

TinklyLittleLaugh he doesnt want to teach, we have a friend who's an English teacher and she's massively put him off that idea!

OP posts:
JamieVardysParty · 28/06/2016 10:54

The idea of a sound engineer is great.

Could you have 6-12 months really looking to make savings - good practice for when you are on maternity leave etc - and potentially use these savings to help him retrain?

MargaretCavendish · 28/06/2016 10:59

I think I would get very resentful keeping him at home with the baby while I was working my socks off. I know it makes economical sense but .....

If a man posted that about a SAHM mumsnet would go mental with the flaming he would get. The OP has explained very clearly and rationally why it makes sense for him to be a SAHP. I agree with her that it makes sense to wait a couple more years - as I recall from the other post your salary isn't that high at the moment but has real potential to increase? That seems to be worth waiting for. I also think that 25 is very young if you're a graduate and so only started full-time work at 21 at the earliest. Do any of your friends have children, OP? Obviously I'm not suggesting you have to follow the crowd like a lemming, but it can be isolating if you're very out of sync with those around you.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/06/2016 11:01

I imagine being a sound engineer is a bit like being an illustrator or a fashion designer; not many jobs to around even if you are talented.

ijustwannadance · 28/06/2016 11:03

If it were me, I would get my career settled first too. Especially if it was me being the breadwinner. I would also be saving like crazy now.
You DP really does should get himself sorted though first. I understand he has issues but he has a degree and is obviously capable. It comes across as though he is using having a baby as an excuse not to do anything now.

With regards your anxiety. I know everyone's triggers are different but until you really have it sorted you should put off being pregnant.

What if you have a baby and decide you love it so much you want to be the SAHP? Could he support you? Doesn't sound like he would be happy having to work?

picklypopcorn · 28/06/2016 11:05

Yes all my friendship group from school now have at least 1 child. My Uni mates are all childless though but live far away Sad. I get a lot of "when are you having babies" comments from friends because they remember DP and I together way back at school and wonder what the hold up is. MIL and DM are also broody... Hmm

My salary is £20k at the moment, I'm on a pretty fast career path though currently and I've gone from £16k to £20k in a year. I'll be going up to £27k shortly (already doing the job, just awaiting a hiring code) so yes there's potential to be a lot more comfortable financially very soon, another reason why i want to wait.

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 28/06/2016 11:07

If you have GAD now don't underestimate the risk of pre- and post- natal depression. I had antenatal depression and it meant so much time off work long term sick pay kicked in (50% pay) luckily my employer was awesome so it didn't affect my maternity pay but could have in other jobs.

If you are planning to be the sole breadwinner you need to start saving so you can make up for any deficiencies in pay should you get ill in relation to pregnancy / birth / new babyhood. I'd say at least a years pay in savings. You don't want to find yourself having to go back to work at 2 or 3m post birth for financial reasons. You may still be bleeding then, breastfeeding won't be properly established, and that's without considering PND.

BastardGoDarkly · 28/06/2016 11:08

I think I would get resentful keeping him at home with a baby while I work my socks off wtf? Millions of men/women have this set up, looking after a baby is work too!

Op, it sounds to me like you're handling this really well, I for one, think you're right to make the most of this upturn in your career, and 25 is really young still!

I have no advice re your partner's confidence though.

minipie · 28/06/2016 11:08

Oh dear. I do think that degree of lack of confidence and fear of making mistakes is going to be a big issue for being a SAHD.

How to increase his confidence? I don't know. I don't know whether CBT would work - do you think he has anxiety going on? I think the best bet is for him to try doing more stuff. It would be good for him to find out that he is good at other things, or if he isn't, that failure isn't the end of the world (but note: this experiment shouldn't be carried out on your baby...) If he can't find more paid employment then how about volunteering? He could possibly use his music in some way. Obviously this will be much more feasible once he can drive (is there a car available to him?)

MunchCrunch01 · 28/06/2016 11:09

op ya soooo NBU!! Having a baby is a huge upheaval and although they're lovely, you are both young, and as I said on your last thread - waiting IS sensible. It takes a toll on your brain due to tiredness - I worked ft with both my DC and it's exhausting at times when the DC aren't sleeping, which is often. You need the experience to do some days on auto-pilot. I love them to bits but I'm SO glad I waited until I had good earning potential and big wealth of experience to draw on, and I'm not even the main earner. Your DH needs to work on his overall life satisfaction - he could hate being a SAHD, he needs to be able to earn some decent money too - what if you get sick? We made these points before, stick to your guns, and I would say the same if the gender were reversed. If you were 35 and this was last chance saloon/clock ticking of course my advice would be different. You're surrounded by people that don't have to walk the walk of earning, not seeing much of the DC or having the physical stress on their body.

dowhatnow · 28/06/2016 11:10

I do think that if you are going to wait a couple of years it would be a good idea to train for something during that time. What about doing a class in electronics? Build up his confidence in small steps. Or short courses for anything else he fancies as a stepping stone to something else?

It is hard to study when you are looking after a baby full time. I couldn't have done it. It's physically exhausting enough without any studying. Best to do it before then if possible.

What about childcare qualifications leading to a childminding career?

What about doing music workshops in schools/clubs/old folks homes etc. Kids react better to an exciting "visitor" doing fun things, than they do with their own teachers and he wouldn't have to worry about controlling the kids as much, as their own teachers would be there too.

Can you get him any books on confidence? Read them together. Talk to him about why he lacks confidence and continue emphasing how successful he is. If he can understand why his brain works the way it does, he is half way to overcoming it.

I can relate to the "If I don't try it, I can't fail" school of thinking.

MargaretCavendish · 28/06/2016 11:10

What if you have a baby and decide you love it so much you want to be the SAHP? Could he support you? Doesn't sound like he would be happy having to work?

This is so offensive. So women either chose to work or not based on how much they love their child? I'm hoping to have a child soon and I don't have the option of staying at home - I actually know very few people who could cope with their mortgages etc with one salary, and all the mothers I know work. They all seem to love their babies, as do their partners, who also work.

Froginapan · 28/06/2016 11:11

If one half of the partnership isn't ready then I feel it's best to hold off until that situation changes

ArcheryAnnie · 28/06/2016 11:12

It will be his baby, too - when there is a baby and not until then. There is no baby at the moment, and it's not up to him to decide for the both of you when there will be, as you are the one who will carry the physical, emotional and carreer-interrupting risks of pregnancy and birth.

It's your body, and your life. It will continue to be your body and your life before you get pregnant (and even if you do get pregnant and for any reason at all decide that you cannot keep it).

It's your body. Anyone who says "...but..." after that needs to have that repeated to them.

picklypopcorn · 28/06/2016 11:12

ijustwannadance very good points but I'm unlikely to want to stay at home, I know that's short sighted but I recognize fully that DP will never have my earning potential, but he'll be a much better parent!

We can put about £100 a month in savings at the moment, we also miraculously have no debt at all other than the mortgage, (bought the car in cash etc) I can at least thank anxiety and risk fear for that Grin I'm due to inherit a £150k house in the next 5 years, so financially we're in a much better situation than most. The house we'll inherit is already rented out and will net us about £500pcm. Maybe that's relevant and I should have mentioned it before Blush

I agree my anxiety is a reason to wait too, DP did say last night he'd want me to be sorted before we tried anything. He thinks though that the implant makes the anxiety worse so i think he expects me to be a lot better off once it comes out... Hmm

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 28/06/2016 11:13

My salary is £20k at the moment, I'm on a pretty fast career path though currently and I've gone from £16k to £20k in a year. I'll be going up to £27k

As I thought/half-remembered: sounds like you're doing very well (congrats!) and like an extra couple of years could really make you all much more financially stable.

dowhatnow · 28/06/2016 11:14

And yes. looking at your career progression you'd be a fool to halt it now. If you don't get it really established first, you'll get usurped by fresh young things who haven't had a career break so early in their career.

picklypopcorn · 28/06/2016 11:15

dowhatnow this is a big fear of mine, it's a young industry with lots of progression for everyone, I don't want to get left behind

OP posts:
catsharingmychair · 28/06/2016 11:17

I know this is going to sound a bit irrational but how much time has your DP spent with small babies and toddlers? If lots then great. But if not... might it be an idea to plan a weekend away with friends with tinies- in this way, you can both be reminded of what life will be like with small children around all the time (not just for an afternoon for example) and see the bedtime routine etc for a couple of nights). It might help you and he to work out if the reality of looking after kids is right for you, right now.

I say 'irrational' as many people (including me!) who have kids assumed that theirs wouldn't ever be quite so exhausting/annoying/unruly/misbehaved because we'd make sure they won't be - however... much as I adore my own (now in secondary), they were (of course!) all of the above - and, of course, lovely too. But it was truly exhausting and I agree with whomever said the woman is usually the one left holding the baby if things don't go as planned - so you'd
need to be really comfortable with this too.

If I'd had the chance to be consistently around small toddlers before deciding (at least a couple of days and nights, consecutively) I'd have put it off a little while longer!!!

I appreciate others may feel entirely the opposite - but either way it might help make things clearer..

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 28/06/2016 11:18

I think you're reading too much into this. He said he's willing to wait and you have time on your hands so put it off for a couple of years and then reconsider.

MunchCrunch01 · 28/06/2016 11:23

yes Op, all my best experience was gained in my 20s, you need it to fall back on, those many nights you've dragged yourself in being woken up by a bouncy baby at 4am. Even if your DH takes the brunt of the getting up, you still get woken up and personally I find I get lower quality sleep even when it's not my turn!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/06/2016 11:31

We are the same age. My concerns would be the ones that you are batting away.

What happens if you do want to stay at home? It might be unlikely - To be honest, I love my job, and I can't imagine giving it up - but you'd have no option. That would breed resentment. You need a plan for that.

What if you don't want to stay home, but he doesn't feel able to be a dad? It doesn't sound like that is something he'd be able to get over, so you'd need a new plan. He'd have no way to make enough to either cover your wage so you could be at home, or cover childcare - potentially you could end up with your child in full-time childcare, which neither of you want, and working really hard to pay for that because you've got no options.

What happens when the child starts school? He'll be five years older, and he'll have been out of employment for five years. Just like women who have children to give them purpose, that is a tough time. He might want more children to fill the void, or he might crash into depression, or he might be totally lost.

You obviously need to work within his limitations, and both of your goals, but I think he does need a stable career plan - even if that's a non-standard, not-too-ambitious career. It needs to be something with potential, that he feels he can do.

Could he work in childcare for a bit, starting imminently? Then he'd both learn skills that would help when you have your child, and help boost his own confidence, and be making money.

It's a bad time for you to take a career break, and your career is vital, at the moment. You're also not ready and that automatically vetoes his readiness - he will still be ready, he needs to patiently wait for you with no pressure.

I have a pretty close female friend who had children in her mid-20s because she was broody and wanted a family. She kept having children, and although she's a wonderful mum, she admits now that she didn't have anything else to do or go back too, and children gave her an excuse to socialise and do something - NCT classes, toddler groups, school. She felt worthwhile. She hasn't really managed to work since - she lacks confidence, she's got no real qualifications, her A levels are too long ago to matter. She's beaten to waitressing/shop/bar staff jobs by people younger than her, without childcare responsibilities. Luckily she's still with the dad and he earns very well, so she doesn't need to work, but shes unfulfilled and as her children have become more independent, her confidence has waned even further. She's anxious about everything. She doesn't even really drive anymore, because she doesn't think she does it well enough.

I think you've got a lot of contingency plans to make. I understand that you have a plan, and I hope it works out, but you need plans for unexpected things, too.