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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"It's Your Body But It Will Be My Baby Too"

130 replies

picklypopcorn · 27/06/2016 15:53

So last night DP and I were having a casual discussion about my implant which is due to be taken out next month after 3 years floating about in my arm keeping us baby free.

For context, I'm 25 and he's 27, been together 8 years with no problems and both employed although I'm the breadwinner and on a bit of an upwards thrust at work at the moment. We have a mortgage on a 2 bed house we've lived in for 2 years and yes, I have to admit we have a perfect set up for a baby... you can see where this is going.

We've had the baby discussion before and i thought we both see babies as an "in the future" type of thing..we've even discussed that DP will be a SAHD while I go back to work etc. Last night I talked about wanting to go back on the pill after the implant is taken out until my career stagnates and I'm on a bit more money... DP's reaction was massive disappointment because he'd assumed when the implant came out we'd just start "seeing what happens" and stop taking baby prevention precautions...

At one point, very amicably and there was no nastiness intended, he said "I know it's your body and career and stuff but it will be my baby too and I think we're really really ready"... I got irrationally angry inside but didn't have a go at him or anything because I know he didn't mean it to sound like it did Hmm..

AIBU to hold back on the baby making knowing we could cope and knowing it's what DP really really wants? Am I being really selfish here? DP hasn't tried to make me feel bad about it or anything and we had a lovely evening snuggled up on the sofa but it's been churning away in my head all night. I want to have a baby too, but I'm 25 and I can't help feeling like I want to be closer to 30 and my career not to get stalled now?

How do other couples make the decision to stop taking precautions?

OP posts:
MuddlingMackem · 27/06/2016 16:54

You're both entitled to feel how you feel, but are you sure you won't keep finding reasons to put off having having a baby?

In other words, is your DH going to end up like so many women do, resentful because the time is never right and you keep promising after the next payrise, after the next promotion, when you've brought the mortgage down and so on and so on? Be honest with yourself first, and then agree a time when you are both happy to TTC, especially as it may be much more difficult for him to take the time out to be a SAHD after he's retrained.

mouldycheesefan · 27/06/2016 16:56

Why wouldn't you get married first?
Also, have either of you ever had other partners? Is that an issue for either of you?

Goingtobeawesome · 27/06/2016 17:00

I was wondering as well why someone who claims to be so sensible doesn't think marriage before children is the best way.

LittleWingSoul · 27/06/2016 17:09

I meant YANBU, phone always autocorrect to YABU haha!

3awesomestars · 27/06/2016 17:12

Ooh this sounds familiar from 20 years ago! I had an amazing career, I was 26, DH hit 30 and got really broody, I agreed to come off pill a bit half heartedly, but willing to see what happened - nothing did, 6 months later I got promoted again and we agreed to go back on pill until promotion was established, I never did - waiting for next cycle I was already pregnant!

Career was fine, we were over the moon, DD is now 18 and best thing ever, . She is now the eldest of 3, DH came a SAHD for a short while but when number 2 came along I stayed at home, 12 years later I still am! Loved it all.

There is never a 'right' time, the will always be something to save for, an event to get over, a holiday, a promotion. You just have to take the plunge or have an accident 😀

ITCouldBeWorse · 27/06/2016 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minipie · 27/06/2016 17:20

I think I remember this too, if you're the same "chronically sensible" poster... Yes wasn't your DP going to train as an electrician first and give you a couple more years to get used to the idea? What's changed?

minipie · 27/06/2016 17:21

He would take the SAHD role so he could study to become an electrical engineer at the same time

No. This is unrealistic. He should study NOW while you have no DC and no further financial commitments.

RaeSkywalker · 27/06/2016 17:26

As others have said, you both need to want a baby now, in order to try for a baby now.

It sounds like your career is going very well. It makes sense for you to continue to work hard for further promotions- ultimately, it will be better for your DP and any DC, as you are the main breadwinner.

I'm very career orientated but 100% knew I wanted a baby so we started TTC at the start of the year, and got a BFP in March. I thought I could continue to work my arse off whilst pregnant to not lose my career momentum- I've always been really fit and eat healthily, so I thought my body could handle pregnancy well.

... I've actually been laid up with HG since 5 weeks (I'm now now 19 weeks). I'm
Not capable at performing as well at work any more. My point is that you don't know what impact pregnancy and having a child will have on your ability to work, so I'd advise being comfortable with you are career-wise before TTC. If you were 35, I'd probably say something different, but you are still young.

RaeSkywalker · 27/06/2016 17:27

I also think your DP should start his studies now, without having a child.

razmataz · 27/06/2016 17:30

Having a baby has to be something that both partners want, so if you want to wait, then you should wait.

You're still very young at 25 - if I was you, I would certainly want to wait until things were a bit more comfortable career wise. Even if you waited 5 years you'd still only be 30 - there's no rush.

I think it would make sense as well for your DP to focus on getting his career sorted out first too - yes you both want him to stay at home - at the moment - but it places a heavy burden on you to be shouldering all the responsibility of earning enough to support the whole family.

ITCouldBeWorse · 27/06/2016 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lancelottie · 27/06/2016 17:37

I've looked back at your earlier thread now, and I really can't see why he was 'surprised and massively disappointed', given this is exactly what you'd apparently both decided, about a month ago.

Watch that you don't get wheedled into doing this just because he's doing sad puppy-dog eyes at you. You need to practise stern resistance before you let a toddler loose in the house, after all.

Berthatydfil · 27/06/2016 17:38

Studying ft and bring a sahp are not combination that go together at all. You will need childcare for him to be able to do that.
Are you really happy to be the breadwinner and support him studying and pay childcare?
What if you have the baby and don't want to go back to work full time?
Will he really do all the childcare, all the night feeds, teething etc ?
Why can't he study now ?
You could put off babies for a couple of years - you still wouldn't be 30, he would be able to work, you can save some money in case you wanted to extend your maternity leave etc.
If he's got a career and you have as well you could share the childcare by both going p/t.

ITCouldBeWorse · 27/06/2016 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 27/06/2016 17:48

25 is young (I was 24 when I had my eldest) - but not young enough to have your life when the DC are older IME!!! I would advise you to do a bit more living first whilst you can afford it etc.

Personally I would wait a few years, enough savings to take your mat leave, your DH retrain whilst you can afford and see how bad the economic sh*t storm of Brexit will be.

After all it is you giving up far more a good few years in age before your DP. In fact are you sure you don't want to get married first? The stress of a wedding (however small!) can actually test how well you weather a storm together!!!

RepentAtLeisure · 27/06/2016 17:51

It wasn't irrational for you to be angry, he had it all arse about face. There is no baby, so for him to make an anti-choice statement as you was bizarre.

And he 'assumed' what would be happening. Assuming is done by one person. He should never have made any assumptions about you and your body without asking.

Absolutely don't start trying until you are ready, especially as you would be the one continuing to work, you are right to want to prepare for a few years.

RepentAtLeisure · 27/06/2016 17:52

*at you

altiara · 27/06/2016 18:00

Agree with razmataz on all points.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 27/06/2016 18:11

Studying full time is difficult with a kid. I did it as a single parent, starting when ds was one. Suggest he becomes qualified first and then you can talk about a baby. Tbh, it seems like you are taking on a massive responsibility in your household already and I wonder whether having a baby is the easy way for him to put off doing his qualifications. I'm not suggesting he's being unfair but that he's perhaps set on a baby to buy him a bit more time to decide he definitely wants to get the qualifications.

SueTrinder · 27/06/2016 18:11

Agree with the PPs, get married first and DP get trained. Sounds like you don't currently have much of a financial buffer and you should get that sorted first, you are very young so have lots of time. I don't think a man who is on a zero hours contract is is the best place to have kids, I'd want to see him showing some ambition and hard work to improve himself but I'm tough about things like that and want a man who is my equal.

I'm also concerned that you had a conversation a month ago about what you are planning but your DP appears to have ignored it and is pushing for babies again when you are not ready. Ultimately you have the final decision, pregnancy and childbirth is risky for women, there can be all sorts of complications you probably haven't even though about. It's not and never will be the same for a father, however hands on they are once the child is here. It's difficult to judge from the report of a single conversation but you should think about how much of a red flag this is, or would you categorically stating it's not going to happen yet be sufficient to make him understand not to push it?

maggiethemagpie · 27/06/2016 18:18

It should be a decision you agree on. If either you, or he are not ready to have a baby, then it shouldn't happen. Not difficult.

BoatyMcBoat · 27/06/2016 18:44

Did you become angry because somewhere inside it felt like you were being guilt-tripped?

Anyway, I think you're still very young and if you want to keep your career going you should do that, and very sensible too. Heaven knows what will happen in the next couple of years now, so hang on to the certainty of a good salary and career. I think you'd be a bit mad not to.

CPtart · 27/06/2016 19:25

Bear in mind too, that men are often very keen to have DC. But not so keen to be left with the children when the relationship fails despite it being 'their baby too!'. You both have opinions, but currently, as an unmarried female you are in a far more disadvantaged position if it all goes wrong, therefore you have the final say.

RattieOfCatan · 27/06/2016 19:41

As others have said, if you aren't ready then it's better to wait until you are!

Also, as somebody whose husband has just completed a degree in electrical engineering: I can guarantee that he will be "working" full time hours for the entire three or so years of his degree if he plans to come out with a 2 (which is required for most good graduate jobs!) He will not be able to do that degree as a stay at home parent until the child is in some form of childcare!