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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU no thank you after two months

153 replies

Gatecrasher61 · 27/06/2016 14:21

We went to a wedding over two months ago. They asked for money, which the DH refuses to do at weddings as he feels it is crass. Especially as this couple were very well off.

So we got them some very tasteful gifts which were appropriate to their hobbies. However we haven't had a thank you.

Surely after over two months this should have been forthcoming?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 28/06/2016 20:29

How can it possibly take 6 months to send your thank you cards? Shock. I bet you wouldn't have been happy if people took 6 months to respond to your wedding invitations.

You do not need photos, printed cards etc etc for the thank you letters. Mine were all written within one week of receiving them (first wedding Grin - second time around I made sure I had a very small wedding with few guests and no presents !).

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 28/06/2016 20:32

How can it possibly take 6 months to send your thank you cards?

easily if you bought a wedding photography package that included wedding pic thank you cards, as many people do
Then the photographer spends bloody ages getting them back to you! But keeps saying "soon" so you don't do plan B

Aeroflotgirl · 28/06/2016 20:35

Even if they had not liked the gifts, good manners cost nothing, they are rude. £150 bottle of champagne sounds wonderful, they are wine enthusiasts, and op gave them other gifts on top.

NewUsernameOldMe · 28/06/2016 20:39

YABU for not giving them what they wanted, (money is really easy and if its what they ask then even better) and then getting sniffy that they haven't graciously thanked you. Surely the point of gift giving isn't to recieve a thank you.

RuggerHug · 28/06/2016 20:45

RubbishMantra.....excuse me? Staff? Am I missing something Confused

dawney2 · 28/06/2016 21:09

To be honest I think they should have at least sent a text or Facebook message saying thanks. Also, why do people who get married expect a present, nevermind make requests?! I would be annoyed if I'd spent that much and didn't get a thanks.

Primaryteach87 · 28/06/2016 22:06

We were quite slow doing thank yous as we moved house and lost our address book! They did get sent eventually. I think it's unlikely they've thanked everyone else but not you because you bought a gift not money.

Annie592 · 28/06/2016 22:08

We had a gift list, and a fair few people ignored it and bought us something else- which I actually loved, some of those presents were really thoughtful and it was nice to get surprises. We didn't do the gift list in a 'I don't trust you to get something good' way, but more to help guests with some ideas (I always appreciate a gift list when I go to a wedding as I'd much rather get someone something they want, even if that's just cash), however the other non gift list presents were absolutely great and really appreciated. It is definitely rude not to say thank you, no matter what they thought of the gifts, but I have to say it took us 3 months to send all our thank you cards, and I've had thank yous from weddings later than that, so could be you'll still get one. If not- well, you still did something nice, and they're just a bit rude aren't they, I wouldn't really lose any sleep over that.

WeeM · 28/06/2016 22:11

I'd say after having a wedding that's not too long-I had a thank you a year after not so long ago! I don't think 2 months is that long, I bet they have the best of intentions but just haven't got round to it yet. X

LilacInn · 28/06/2016 22:13

"Asking" for any sort of gift is rude and crass. Decent people are grateful for whatever they receive.

Thank you notes should be out by return mail. If they have time to open the gift they have the six minutes it takes to write a note, seal the envelope and apply a stamp. Yes, even right before or after the wedding. (I'm sure they find time to Facebook)

My opinion of people who fail at this basic rite of social reciprocity does tend to be rather low.

Vixyboo · 28/06/2016 22:57

So instead of giving them money, which they asked for, you spent a lot of money instead on something they did not ask for?

Logic?

KoalaDownUnder · 29/06/2016 03:44

Finding the whole

  • 'You didn't give them what they asked for and you still expect a thank you?!'; and
  • 'DH and I wouldn't give a thank you for something we didn't want, either'

utterly BIZARRE. Shock

How rude, childish and fucking spoilt can people get?

You invite someone to your wedding as a guest, with no strings attached. Any gift they give is their choice. You say thank you for that gift, whether it's a thousand-quid check or a plastic toad.

What has happened to basic manners and being grateful for the gesture?? (As opposed to only being grateful if you get exactly what your ickle wickle heart desires, as if you are fucking Veruca Salt or a spoiled toddler.)

Can't even imagine what some of you are teaching your children, if you think this is an acceptable way for adults to act.

newstart57 · 29/06/2016 05:57

I got married on the 30th April. We received our thank you cards last week and now in the process of writting 120 thank yous..

Everyone has the intention to do it straight away but if your wanting a card with pics of the day you have to wait for your photographer and also get past wedding blues and generally get back to normal... I'm sure you will receive something soon

elQuintoConyo · 29/06/2016 07:37

My thank you cards went out 6 weeks after the wedding. They were hand made and had personal messages in each. We wrote down what people had bought or what we had done/were planning to do with money received.

We're in Spain where people automatically give money, so much bloody easier. Those who travelled over (not that many as it was a very small wedding) didn't give anything which was absolutely fine as they'd forked out! Ditto the UK weddings I have been to said forget the gift, just come on over and celebrate with us.

My cards took an afternoon. That's it. I rather enjoyed doing them, and can remember who gave us what 12 years on Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 29/06/2016 07:41

My goodness can't believe the rudeness of some, stamping your feet because you dident get the presents you want. When I get requests of money, I ask them what their favourite store is, and get them gift vouches for them, just feels better than putting money in a card. I have always recieved a thank you be t by e mail, mouth or card. Op has Sen the couple since, how hard is it to say thank you very much for the lovely present.

Nanunanu · 29/06/2016 07:59

You have as long as it takes you to send out thank you notes.

I try to do it within a month or so. But you know, I work!

After embarrassingly verbally thanking people who didn't give me a gift (id mixed them up in my head) I stopped giving verbal thank yous too.

But examine your emotional reaction. Why does this annoy you? Rich people asked for more money instead of gifts. Common enough now a days. This annoyed you (why?) So you went off piste and gave them a very expensive (why?) Bottle of bubbly (why when they will have loads. Not exactly a thoughtful gift. You say they enjoy wine. Why not wine instead if bubbles. Maybe from the area they are honeymooning in. Or where they met....).

And now you are annoyed that they haven't met your self imposed deadline for saying thank you for a gift they didn't want.

If you have met up with them since, why didn't you ask 'how was the bubbly? Did you like it?).

If you have met up with them since the wedding it implies you are good friends. Why does it bother you then that the thank you is late? I thanked my friends last as knew they would be most forgiving. I thanked distant family first.

I had a great aunt once who kept a list of all the gifts she gave and whether or not she received thank yous. She was a miserable old woman when she died. I think this list was symptomatic of that.

You give a gift for the joy of giving. Not of being thanked.

Yabu. Don't let misery eat you up.

Sugarlightly · 29/06/2016 08:15

If they've asked for cash, and you don't want to give cash, don't bother getting a gift.

FoggyBottom · 29/06/2016 08:15

I sigh at manners ideas nowadays. I was brought up to say Thank you for whatever I was fortunate enough to be given.

And asking for money is vulgar & tasteless.

user1465823522 · 29/06/2016 08:22

Why give a gift if you are only seeking the thanks?

NavyAndWhite · 29/06/2016 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IceRoadDucker · 29/06/2016 08:39

YANBU. Cheeky fuckers.

LilacInn · 29/06/2016 11:22

For everyone saying thanks are optional -well, so is celebrating oneself with a party.

If you don't want to be obliged to reciprocal social rituals, and if you think thanking givers is old-fashioned or that expecting the give & take of the social dialogue is just for pearl-clutching bitter old biddies, here's a suggestion: Do not initiate an event that is steeped in traditions if you are going to bitch about the aspects of tradition that you find inconvenient.

Don't want to write thank you notes or deal with grubby personally chosen gifts v cash - then don't instigate your pageant. Get married quietly & privately and there will be no such onerous expectations placed on you.

ShanghaiDiva · 29/06/2016 11:30

Thank you cards/emails/telephone calls are not optional. It's just rude to thank someone and doesn't take a lot of time.
Up to you what you send as a gift because it's a gift - no obligation to give anything at all.

whiteonesugar · 29/06/2016 12:24

There could be any number of reasons that you haven't received a thank you;

They are waiting to get their professional photos to make a thank you card with (Most likely)
They have been on honeymoon and have spent time trying to get organised since being back
They said thank you on FB or something and haven't done thank you cards due to the ridiculous amount they cost
They hate you and think your gifts were shit. Wink
It got lost in the post

I wouldn't worry about it!

expatinscotland · 29/06/2016 12:52

'Not answering the question here at all but you people thinking it's crass to give money - is that because you have a lot? '

I don't think it's crass to give money, but it is to ask for it as a gift.