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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU no thank you after two months

153 replies

Gatecrasher61 · 27/06/2016 14:21

We went to a wedding over two months ago. They asked for money, which the DH refuses to do at weddings as he feels it is crass. Especially as this couple were very well off.

So we got them some very tasteful gifts which were appropriate to their hobbies. However we haven't had a thank you.

Surely after over two months this should have been forthcoming?

OP posts:
HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 27/06/2016 15:11

They should be extremely grateful for the well thought out gifts you gave them - of course they neither want or need the items but don't let that trouble you.

So now their options are to re gift them, give them to charity shops, or keep the items for ever, collecting dust and taking up precious space in their home, as a treasured memory of their dear friends who gave them crap they expressly said they didn't want.

But yes, of course a TY card should be forth coming. They probably can't be arsed though. Perhaps too busy dusting gifts they don't want or need.

Why the World is full of rubbish and crap and we are suffering environmental disasters - Reason #6

hippiedays · 27/06/2016 15:17

*hisname• did you read the thread? The OP gifted a bottle of wine. The couple are both wine drinkers. She didn't gift them dust collectors in fairness.

Ragwort · 27/06/2016 15:17

I think that if you have actually seen them in person, and they have not mentoned the gift, the answer is clear - they didn't like it. Grin Yes, it is rude not to thank you but I don't suppose there is much you can do about it.

If you ask them direct 'did you receive the XXX' and they just say 'yes', it is still giving you a very clear message.

Just accept that you are not going to get a 'thank you' and move on.

As for the poster who asked for cash gifts so that 'they had a fund to pay for baby expenses' ........... words fail me.

If you can afford a wedding and honeymoon you don't need 'gifts'. I have been married twice and made it very clear that I did not want gifts.

MadisonAvenue · 27/06/2016 15:19

We still haven't had a thank you for a cash gift given at a wedding we attended 2 years ago. Not going to hold my breathe on that one.

Just an aside on the subject of thank you notes in general. I gave Christmas gifts last year to a family member's two children, as I do every year, as did my mother. I've since found out that my mother always gets a thank you from them yet my gifts are never acknowledged. I find that rather rude, to thank some people and not others.

BackforGood · 27/06/2016 15:20

They are rude not to have written you a thank you, however, you were rude to waste £150 on a bottle of booze! think you knew better than them, what they wanted.

Junosmum · 27/06/2016 15:26

We took around 10 weeks to write our thank yous.

2 reasons - one, my 'wedding etiquette' book said 12 weeks/ three months is ok. and 2, we waited for a picture from the photographer to use as thank you cards and had to get them printed.

I think you are just a little early with your disappointment.

And yes, you should get a thank you regardless of what you got them. Some people at ours didn't get us a gift at all (totally fine) and got a 'thank you for taking the time to spend our special day with us'.

VioletBam · 27/06/2016 15:28

Asking for money is rude.

BECAUSE...

The recipient knows how much you've spent.

If you're someone who can't afford much, then it's embarrassing.

I've got present buying on a budget down to a FINE art. When someone asks me for money for their wedding, I can't put a tenner in a card! But that's generally all I can give.

It's crass. IF you want a honeymoon then organise a cheaper bloody wedding and pay for it yourself.

firesidechat · 27/06/2016 15:32

Am I the only one who thinks that being a wine buff does not necessarily mean that you would appreciate a £150 bottle of champagne. My husband is a wine buff (as much as you can be on a limited budget) and I love drinking the stuff, but any bottle of champagne would go to the back of the cupboard. I would be perfectly happy with a reasonably ok prosecco on the incredibly rare occasions that we would drink a sparkling wine. I would cry at the thought of a £150 bottle.

Despite being fairly aged these days I'm also very happy to give money to the bride and groom if that's what they want. So much easier than gift lists.

UmbongoUnchained · 27/06/2016 15:34

fire I'm with you. I love wine but I absolutely hate champagne. Id be gutted if someone bought me champagne.

EvansAndThePrince · 27/06/2016 15:36

We wanted to have a lovely honeymoon after our wedding, we asked people to donate to that so that we could enjoy in and not worry about having a honeymoon baby because we were putting all of our savings in to the wedding and honeymoon. We told people that, they were more than happy to give us cash gifts. We didn't have a huge number of guests and we didn't ask for MUCH money, just that we would rather have £50 to put into savings/honeymoon than yet another bottle of champagne. We did send out thank you cards though...

And tbf, what I found genuinely cheeky was our friends who paid for the wedding, paid for the honeymoon, bought their first house a month before the wedding on a whim, then started a go fund me page to ask for donations towards the wedding...then flitted off to Paris a few weeks after their honeymoon. THAT is cheeky.

annamarlowe · 27/06/2016 15:38

Technically proper etiquette gives you three months to send thank you notes after a wedding - potentially you could have hundreds to write, you can't always knock them out in a weekend.

You shouldn't give a gift just for the thank you but it's not unreasonable to expect one eventually.

I also hate the 'little checking' phone calls, they usually come via MIL a week after the DC's birthdays. It's particularly annoying in that we always do thank yous with the DC. I don't need a reminder I just need a bit of time after their birthday to get them out.

I'd be a bit Confused by anyone that texted me from their Honeymoon.

RaeSkywalker · 27/06/2016 15:38

I wrote ours the day we got home from our honeymoon, it took me most of a day to write 50 (A5 sized) letters. We had them made at the same time as our invites though so I could get on with them straight away. Most couples I know wait for a photographer to provide a photo for the cards, which can take a couple of months.

I've just recently realised that my cousin probably thinks I'm stunningly rude- we got nothing from her for our wedding in July last year, not even a card, which I was a little surprised by if I'm honest. Anyway, she lives abroad and it turns out that she'd stayed at another cousin's house the night before the wedding, left our gift there in the morning by mistake, and asked the other cousin to make sure we got it after the wedding. Other cousin shoved it in a corner and forgot- he only gave it to us last weekend! Shock

EvansAndThePrince · 27/06/2016 15:38

Oh and to be clear we only asked for money from family!! It certainly didn't go out in the invitations "cash gifts only"! Our friends gave us the usual tat that costs a tenner in the card factory, and that was absolutely fine!

sirfredfredgeorge · 27/06/2016 15:39

You were rude, they are possibly rude. although it's a bit early to tell, why are you friends with each other?

Umbrella85 · 27/06/2016 15:41

VioletBam - we had guests put a tenner or similar into a card at the wedding, and it was fine because we were grateful for any amount, and for any friends or family on a budget we were well aware of this. If a couple had a gift list you'd be equally exposed to how much you'd spent.

user1465823522 · 27/06/2016 15:42

We didn't send thank you cards after our wedding. I think you are being a bit unreasonable to expect one.

VioletBam · 27/06/2016 15:43

Evans

We wanted to have a lovely honeymoon after our wedding, we asked people to donate to that so that we could enjoy in and not worry about having a honeymoon baby because we were putting all of our savings in to the wedding and honeymoon

So? Why didn't you have a cheaper wedding? Why expect others to pay for your honeymoon?

If you can't afford both then you can't HAVE both. Asking for money is rude.

Also..you'd rather have "Fifty pounds than another bottle of champagne"

That's a LOT of money to some people and they won't be able to afford it. Why assume people want to give so much?

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 27/06/2016 15:43

I don't often give cash

but I don't judge it on how well of they are, I judge it on wha I can afford. I'ld give the same to a well off friend as a non well off friend as it's a token of our friendship, not an assessment of whether I think they need it or not

8 weeks is nothing in terms of wedding thank yous, I've had them 6 months later, I think we were just sending ours out at about 2 weeks - we waited until we had a photo back from our photographer to use on the thankyou cards

VioletBam · 27/06/2016 15:45

Umbrella, yes and I think gift lists are rude too. If you don't want four toasters ask for NO gifts.

Weddings aren't about presents.

user1465823522 · 27/06/2016 15:45

They are both wine enthusiasts, so I can't see how they would not have appreciated a £150 bottle of champagne along with other presents.

You know the difference between win and champagne right?

user1465823522 · 27/06/2016 15:48

almost of topic but when my BF got married I gave them a cross stitch of Iron Man nuking Godzilla. they loved it

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 27/06/2016 15:48

I gave Christmas gifts last year to a family member's two children, as I do every year, as did my mother. I've since found out that my mother always gets a thank you from them yet my gifts are never acknowledged.

I get that with some of my cousins.
My parents have quite a bit of money, I dunno if there's an element of sucking up to the rich uncle& aunty going on Hmm ?

Original poster
Gatecrasher61 · 27/06/2016 15:48

**You know the difference between win and champagne right?

Certainly do. And we know they both drink and like champagne

OP posts:
Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 27/06/2016 15:50

Its properly weird giving gifts in order to be thanked.

When I think back on one off gifts like wedding, christening and new baby gifts I have no recollection of who might have forgotten to say thank you.

I do know the thanking habits of those who I give to every birthday and Christmas just through force of repetition, but all I want is to know whatever I sent arrived, I do not want a written note as they bring back bloody tense memories of my mother's obsession with lengthy perfectly written and spelt "newsy" thank you letters for every re-gifted handkerchief set embroidered with somebody else's initials her aunts and 3rd cousins and old school friends' mothers sent us...

I like to get a very short email thank you myself, but as long as I am relatively sure what I sent arrived I am not hanging out to be thanked, and find that strange.

Umbrella85 · 27/06/2016 15:52

VioletBam- weddings are start to finish stuffed with outdated traditions, gifts being one of them. If you don't want to get a gift then don't, but you can't tell someone that what they have requested is wrong.