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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU no thank you after two months

153 replies

Gatecrasher61 · 27/06/2016 14:21

We went to a wedding over two months ago. They asked for money, which the DH refuses to do at weddings as he feels it is crass. Especially as this couple were very well off.

So we got them some very tasteful gifts which were appropriate to their hobbies. However we haven't had a thank you.

Surely after over two months this should have been forthcoming?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 27/06/2016 20:42

I'm with you, Rainy.

Original poster

Gatecrasher61 · 27/06/2016 20:44

Rainbunny, I am in total agreement.

If I where got married again, my invites would say "your presence is the only present we require".

This wedding cost us over £600 (two nights in a hotel due to distance, petrol, presents, new frock that I will probably never wear again). I wasn't bothered about going but my DH wanted to go as he felt that it would be like Four Weddings and a Funeral!!!

OP posts:

BarbaraofSeville · 27/06/2016 20:45

There was a thread about Irish weddings the other day and there it was said that six months to a year was the normal timeframe for sending out thank you cards, so if the bride and groom at the wedding you went to think similar, you are jumping the gun a bit.

I also hate all this angst and ettiquette because it just ends up making everyone worry and feel guilty because no-one can ever be honest about what they really think.

OK, so the couple were wealthy, so why buy them anything at all? They can afford everything they want.

But many guests will still want, no insist on buying them a gift. So then the couple are faced with the chore of having to come up with a gift list or receive a load of stuff that they don't want or need like £150 champagne.

They don't want to come up with a gift list, so say 'if you insist, please can we have some money towards our honeymoon'? So are then considered to be rude, tacky and grabby because giving people money is wrong, but it would have been fine for a guest to spend the same amount of money on an overpriced tea set from a John Lewis wedding gift list?

So then we have the people who refuse to give money so choose their own present. Because they have no idea what to get, they get something ridiculous, like a £150 bottle of champagne, that 99% of the population wouldn't enjoy any more than a £10 bottle of prosecco (there have been blind taste tests that prove this) and would weep at the criminal waste of money.

We should all say 'fuck etiquette' and stop being so British about this. The countries/cultures where it is the norm to give money have the right idea. I bet they don't sit on Mumsnet debating the ins and outs of wedding gifts and getting into such a knot about it because everyone knows where they are and aren't trying to second guess what everyone really means.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/06/2016 20:48

Oh, and people shouldn't feel they need new clothes for every wedding they attend. I wore the same dress for every wedding and a few other naice occasions I attended over a period of about five years and I don't care what people thought. Buying new clothes in case someone notices that you have worn the dress before is bonkers.

expatinscotland · 27/06/2016 20:49

'The countries/cultures where it is the norm to give money have the right idea. I bet they don't sit on Mumsnet debating the ins and outs of wedding gifts and getting into such a knot about it because everyone knows where they are and aren't trying to second guess what everyone really means.'

And they also don't include mention of it in invitations. Many of those cultures also don't have two-tiered weddings with some people going to the whole thing and some to the evening do, childfree weddings, etc.

TheCrumpettyTree · 27/06/2016 20:59

Two months really isn't that long.

BackforGood · 27/06/2016 21:00

I agree BarbaraofSeville - Im always when people talk about how much it is costing them to attend a wedding on MN. I've no problem if you are loaded and want to go out and spend £££ on new outfits for everyone, but that's your choice to do that, not an expense the bride and groom have imposed.

jamhot · 27/06/2016 21:07

This morning I posted some more thank you cards to attendees of our wedding in April. We have just 4 more to write. It's hard to write so many cards and to make them personal! Cut them some slack.

Also, I know who wouldn't appreciate a £150 bottle of champagne. Me. And DH. I am teetotal and DH doesn't drink wine. Even when I wasn't teetotal, I disliked champagne for the terrible bad breath it gives everyone!

TattyCat · 28/06/2016 18:12

I've just had a thank you card over a year since the wedding. Bloody rude, I think. Not only that, but they were printed generic cards so no handwritten note either. That's fine if they arrive quickly, but to leave it so long indicates a lack of manners.

QuinionsRainbow · 28/06/2016 18:16

Bit late to this particular party but . . .

I'm a wine enthusiast, but DH and I wouldn't give a thankyou for a £150 bottle of champagne. Utter waste of money as far as we are concerned.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 28/06/2016 18:18

I'm a wine enthusiast, but DH and I wouldn't give a thankyou for a £150 bottle of champagne. Utter waste of money as far as we are concerned.

Surely you'ld still say thank you? a gift is a gift! and then you can bitch with DH what a stupid waste of money it is

SomeDaysIDontGiveAMonkeys · 28/06/2016 18:21

Unless we are transported back to the 1950s I think the whole idea of modern wedding gift requests is just vulgar and greedy. Most people have lived together by the time they get married and have acquired homes of their owns and all the lovely homey bits and pieces.

As for thank you notes - yes, its rude of them not to have sent a written gesture of thanks. However their original request does rather suggest they are very self-entitled so perhaps assume that they are above sending thank you notes...

carabos · 28/06/2016 18:28

We went to a very "naice" wedding last summer. We received a thank you note in the Christmas card, which I think is ever so slightly not on. By that point, I had assumed no thank you was going to be forthcoming. I reckon there's a window of opportunity of around 6 weeks, after which its too late really.

My understanding has always been that one of the tasks to be carried out on honeymoon is the writing of the thank you letters. It's not that onerous - just get it done.

pollymere · 28/06/2016 18:43

Give them a chance! I was ill on honeymoon and came back exhausted to have to face writing hundreds of thank yours. You can only write so many a night! If they asked for money, they might be waiting until they've spent it so they can say thank you, we bought x with it. You could make contact to check they got their gifts and ask after them. They then may bring the topic up themselves and hopefully get the hint!

CocktailQueen · 28/06/2016 18:56

Rude, rude, rude!

Rude to ask for money. Rude not to write thank yous sooner.

And if you ask for money guests are free to ignore the request and buy whatever they want for a gift, esp if they know the couple well. We had a wedding list for our wedding, to help people who didn't know us well, but some of my favourite pressies weren't on the list.

RubbishMantra · 28/06/2016 19:17

I must be out of touch, but asking for money as a wedding gift seems the equivalent of paying for a ticket to go to a ball/posh do.

When DH and I got married, his parents gathered all their "staff" two months later to witness them presenting our gift. It felt less like gift giving and more like "Admire our benevolence."

Then they brought out a very naice bottle of Chablis Premier Cru which DH and I had bought them, shared it out among the "staff", and didn't even offer us a glass.

Nowt so queer as folk.

GrumpyOldBag · 28/06/2016 19:23

Asking for cash for wedding present = not rude, as long as it's done tactfully

Taking a different gift = not rude

Writing a thank you note for the present 2+ months later = not rude

Not thanking at all = rude

By the way OP, I think a bottle of champagne as a wedding gift shows a total lack of thought & imagination even if it did cost £150. But you should still be thanked for it eventually.

Sara107 · 28/06/2016 19:31

Well I think it's rude, I think a month is enough time to get your thank yous out. People are generous with wedding gifts IMO, and have often gone to a lot of trouble and expense to be at the wedding as well. We also got lovely gifts from people we didn't invite to our wedding, and I think you just need to make the time to acknowledge these gifts.
The money v gift in this case is besides the point, they gave something and they should be thanked.
Also, it is not passive aggressive to ask if a gift turned up, things do get lost in the post, and it is basic manners to let the sender know that their package arrived.
I gave my niece quite a lot of money for her wedding. It was in a card which I handed to her at the house before the wedding. She opened the envelope and put the card up, but never mentioned the money. 6 months later, I got a thank you for going to her wedding, but no mention of the money. I have wondered ever since whether she actually managed to not notice the wedge of notes inside the card and it went into the bin with the envelope? Or she had forgotten the money by the time she finally wrote to thank me? I wouldn't bother giving her more than a token gift for any significant events in the future tbh.

mountaintoclimb · 28/06/2016 19:59

honeysuckle I don't think that a 'checking it's arrived' message is PA at all. Gifts sometimes go astray. An aunt of mine form abroad told me that she would be ordering a certain gift to be sent from a local UK firm. It never arrived so I didn't know whether it had been ordered or not. On the other hand if it had I didn't want to offend her by not sending a thank you letter so I emailed her to ask if she had ordered it and if so it hadn't arrived. It was a difficult email to write. However it turned out that she had ordered it but the firm hadn't sent it. She gave us the order number and we contacted the firm who sent it to us.

funkyfriesian · 28/06/2016 20:00

Violet Bam

Me too.Only I would happily put a tenner in the envelope.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 28/06/2016 20:08

carabos
"My understanding has always been that one of the tasks to be carried out on honeymoon is the writing of the thank you letters"

That is hilarious What are the other tasks? Are they more onerous?

pankhurst80 · 28/06/2016 20:08

Not answering the question here at all but you people thinking it's crass to give money - is that because you have a lot? We asked for money and most of our friends do - having already lived together for nearly ten years and with a 3 year old we didn't want a load of tat lying around the house. What we did need was money. I think if that's what people want then give it. Saves a shopping trip! YANBU to expect a thank you though

SittingAround1 · 28/06/2016 20:20

I think it took us about 6 months to send out our thank you cards.
It takes ages as you have to wait about a month for photos to come back, pick one, then send to printers, then write them all out (did she have lots of guests?) and then finally take them all down to the post office.

OvO · 28/06/2016 20:25

I don't think it's rude to ask for cash but you're an arse if you get huffy about not getting it and getting a present instead.

4 year olds understand they can ask for something they'd like but it doesn't mean they'll get it. And that you say thank you even if you get something you didn't want.

Not sure why so many people think weddings are an exception?

BennyTheBall · 28/06/2016 20:26

Rude on both sides.

I loathe requests for money - so vulgar. But if they've asked for cash, that's what we give.

They were very rude to not thank you for your gift.

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