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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU no thank you after two months

153 replies

Gatecrasher61 · 27/06/2016 14:21

We went to a wedding over two months ago. They asked for money, which the DH refuses to do at weddings as he feels it is crass. Especially as this couple were very well off.

So we got them some very tasteful gifts which were appropriate to their hobbies. However we haven't had a thank you.

Surely after over two months this should have been forthcoming?

OP posts:

Cinnamon12345 · 27/06/2016 15:54

I think asking for money is crass specially if they've lived together for a while or have been married before. Wedding presents are for people setting up home needing essentials like brooms , irons and washing up bowls

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 27/06/2016 15:59

Money is the automatic wedding gift in many - possibly most - countries and cultures though. English speaking countries being the only exception I personally know of...

In many countries couples would not traditionally have been setting up a whole new household upon marriage, but living in a multi generational household...

Umbrella85 · 27/06/2016 16:12

Cinnamon- that surely dates back to when people got married younger, it's a different world now. What if they've already got plates and toasters etc, they then deserve nothing?

JustMarriedBecca · 27/06/2016 16:16

We didn't get our photos back for 8-10 weeks then a week to order thank you cards and another week to write them. It takes longer to get cards in peak wedding season too.

AShadowLurkingInTheShadows · 27/06/2016 16:20

Thank you....

HSMMaCM · 27/06/2016 16:23

Maybe they didn't get it, the card fell off, a family member took it home after the reception. If it was delivered to their house, maybe the delivery man kept it. Do you know if they even received it? Just ask if it was any good and see if they have it and know it was from you.

RortyCrankle · 27/06/2016 16:40

It's incredibly rude, OP. Can anyone explain why some people don't send out a thank you until six months after the wedding, that's ridiculous.

Also I don't know anyone else but I was taught that you thank the giver whether you really like the gift or not.

noisyrice · 27/06/2016 16:43

They like wine and asked for money. You spent £150 on a fucking bottle of champagne as a present (which they did not ask for ie want)

Who the fuck spends £150 on one bottle of champagne - to me that's tacky.

firesidechat · 27/06/2016 16:52

£150 spent on champagne is £150 wasted. I don't see why you couldn't have bought them a good £50 champagne and stuck £100 in a card.

Borogoves · 27/06/2016 17:03

Asking for money is crass, asking for any type of gift is crass. It didn't even occur to me to have a gift list at our wedding.

pensivepolly · 27/06/2016 17:06

According to conventional etiquette, couples have a year following their wedding to finish writing their thank you notes.

Goingtobeawesome · 27/06/2016 17:11

Evans - if you were worried about a honeymoon baby you couldn't afford I find condoms are cheap .

Rae - have you sent the thank you?

expatinscotland · 27/06/2016 17:23

'Who the fuck spends £150 on one bottle of champagne - to me that's tacky.'

Who the fuck tells guests to give them money when they're stonking rich? I guess you don't get rich by having long arms and short pockets.

FraggleMountain · 27/06/2016 17:40

OP I think it sounds as if you handled it beautifully! Avoiding giving cash, while still giving something nice that you know they like and doesn't stand around gathering dust. And they are U in not sending out thank you cards promptly, of course you say thanks even if you didn't get exactly what you asked for. It's not as if you gave them an unsolicited exercise bike.

I am surprised that so many on here are giving you grief over your thoughtful gift, and saying that you should not expect a thank you.

mylovegoesdown · 27/06/2016 17:41

I'm probably in the minority but I think that wedding gifts are outdated in many ways.

It made sense in the past when most couples got married from their parents homes and were starting a first home so needed 'stuff'.

It's really rare now that anyone is in that position. Most newly married couples have been living together for a while or at least living independently for a while so have all the 'stuff' they need; hence wedding lists for expensive items they don't need but would like (I saw a £hundreds kitchenaid on one list) or 'cash please'.

And weddings used to be a more local and low-key affair with family, friends and a bit of a do. The last four weddings I attended cost me at least £150 to attend in travel and accommodation alone so the bride and groom get a card, my attendance at the wedding to celebrate their day with them (that's what a wedding is for surely) and no cash gift.

All of my friends know this and I'm still invited to weddings so it seems no-one thinks I'm being unreasonable. They are reasonable people though!

LosingTheWillToSkate · 27/06/2016 18:56

Honestly I can't stand all this 'britishness' over weddings.

It is etiquette to give a gift to the bride and groom. Same as if it were a birthday party you'd give a gift to the person celebrating. I mean, I won't even go to someone's house for dinner without taking a nice wine or something as a token of appreciation.

Personally I love when a couple wants money because it's easy. I hate receiving thank you cards, I find them twee and just something to throw away. Especially so when they're personalised photo ones. As it goes, ours took ages to be written and I wish I hadn't bothered. We were on honeymoon for 4 weeks, I started a new job, had shit going on etc.

And sending texts from honeymoon? Not a chance. Surely to God everyone has better things to do on their honeymoon than sit texting folk who came to their wedding??

springwaters · 27/06/2016 19:03

What did you give them?

farageisacunt · 27/06/2016 19:07

I gave ££ as requested as a wedding gift over a year ago.

Still waiting on a thank you.

farageisacunt · 27/06/2016 19:09

In fact also gave ££ as a wedding gift to another couple (as reqeusted) over 3 years ago.

Again, no thank you.

RosieCockle · 27/06/2016 19:33

My sister took ages sending thank-you cards because it took a long time for her to get pics she wanted/edited from photographer which were then used on cards. It wasn't 'cause she was rude. Bit slow maybe, but no ill intention!

LavenderRains · 27/06/2016 19:52

We gave my niece £50 for her wedding 5 years ago (which was a lot for us at the time)
To this day we haven't had a thank you.

Ragwort · 27/06/2016 20:05

We were on honeymoon for 4 weeks, I started a new job, had shit going on etc.

Who takes 4 weeks for a honeyoon yet hasn't got the time to send a few thank you notes? I bet you would have been the first to complain if people hadn't bothered to RSVP your wedding invitations or turn up for the event.

So many women are utter bridezillas about preparing for their wedding - spending months (sometimes years) on every pathetic detail, but can't factor in time, with their DH, to be courteous about sending thank you letters. .

Only1scoop · 27/06/2016 20:07

Yanbu

Usually they are sent within 4 weeks....

Rude

honeysucklejasmine · 27/06/2016 20:13

It took me a few months to get ours out. My grandad was in hospital and died two months after our big day. I did have one "just checking it's arrived" PA message in that time, but when I replied with what was happening, they graciously forgave us.

Rainbunny · 27/06/2016 20:35

I'm sure I'm a lone voice here but I think it's about time we dropped the gift tradition for weddings. Most people have a household set up by the time they marry these days, which was the original purpose of weddings gifts. That's why people want cash since they don't need anything, which I think is crass (I know I'm highly judgey but this is how I feel.) If people need cash to recoup the cost of the wedding then I think they have no business staging weddings they can't afford.

Awaits the due flaming... ;)

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