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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've lost it last night with H. Am I in the wrong?

182 replies

Tatiana11235 · 25/06/2016 10:02

Hi, posting here because I'd like your harshest verdicts.
I got woken up at 2am this morning by my drunk H wailing songs at the top of his voice. He was singing about how proud he was that we're out of EU.
After listening to him for 15mins I went and asked if he could stop as I really would like to get back to sleep. He said it's his 4th July and he's being happy. As it is usually pointless arguing with him I went back to bed.
He was still at it at 3am, shouting and singing. I am ashamed to admit I lost it then Blush I told him he's a complete dick for making so much noise and keeping me awake. May I also point out we live in a block of flats so no doubt the neighbouring flats had the pleasure of listening to his performance too.
Well, shit hit the fans then. He proceeded to tell me he's celebrating this historically important event and if I, the economic immigrant, don't like it here I should piss of back to were I came from. We've been together 10 years Sad he wouldn't have it that it's not the fact that he's celebrating that's pissing me off but the fact that he's keeping me awake and half the building too.
Was IBU to be pissed off and ask him to shut the fuck up? Or is it reasonable to be make so much noise given the situation?

OP posts:
Lillipuddlian · 25/06/2016 13:43

that's what you get for marrying a Brexit supporting Englishman. I have one at home, too. I stand in solidarity with you. Luckily, with a newborn, I'm already awake @ 4 am

Aeroflotgirl · 25/06/2016 13:47

Lilli that's a sweeping statement, both dh and I are brexitin, but we did not behave like that. Your dh is a racist thug I am afraid and has shown his true colours.

dollylucy · 25/06/2016 13:51

If my husband said this about anyone it would make me rethink our relationship.
If he says it about me I would leave

Anniegetyourgun · 25/06/2016 14:05

I've heard it said that people with a drink problem will use any excuse to have a few. If the result had gone the other way he'd like as not have got drunk to "drown his sorrows". It's nothing to do with letting him express happiness and everything to do with him being a self-centred ass - whether because of the alcohol or because he just is.

whydidhesaythat · 25/06/2016 14:11

"What an utter dickhead. Time to vote leave in your own mini referendum!"

this

Goingtobeawesome · 25/06/2016 14:23

I'm so sorry OP. Does your DH feel you owe him, did you get residency through marriage, and he feels he can control you this way? If you said you were leaving, please leave, would he say he's keeping your DD as she's "proper" english?

SeaEagleFeather · 25/06/2016 14:26

i've heard it said that people with a drink problem

Does the OP say he has a drink problem?

He has an attitude problem - to say that to another person, who's also his wife and the mother of his child!! - but so far she hasn't mentioned that he drinks like that often.

Willow2016 · 25/06/2016 14:27

I know people who boted both ways and for their own reasos, none of which were racist. (or xenophobic)
But none of them would have done/said that to another soul.

This referendum seems to have brought out the worst in both sides on all forms of internet/social media. Its turning into the worst display of human intollerance I have ever seen and its shameful we cant tolerate other peoples viewpoints without resorting to slander and abuse.

Its quite possible to live with someone and not share their political beliefs if they are well grounded and thought out, we cant all agree on everything and if you both respect the other, thats life, but this...tell him to get the hell out your life. You dont need to live with someone who has become so intolerant and blinded by political soundbites.

Willow2016 · 25/06/2016 14:27

Oops I mean voted of course!

Original poster
Tatiana11235 · 25/06/2016 14:44

He does have a drink problem.

No, I don't owe him anything. I'm still a citizen of another EU country. I earn money and I take care of all household responsibilities.

He wouldn't take our DD away. He's a reasonable dad.

OP posts:
sycamore54321 · 25/06/2016 15:05

One tiny voice of caution as it must feel overwhelming to have been hurt in such a way by your husband and then have a chorus of Internet voices saying to end your marriage. What he said was despicable. His other behaviors disrupting the household and the neighborhood was very wrong

However, he didn't say it entirely in a vacuum. He said it after months of media and political hysteria and fearmongering and incitement to hatred which created a toxic atmosphere. If you feel it was entirely out of character and if he is genuinely remorseful and if he is absolutely ashamed and contrite and willing to work on his behaviour and the relationship, and if you believe the marriage worth saving, then you are not wrong if you want to work on forgiveness and seeing if you can together overcome this awful hurt. Now, it doesn't sound like all or even any of those conditions are in place but I just wanted to mention it expressly in case you feel railroaded by a chorus of voices and didn't think it valid to consider other options.

I'm sorry you have been so horribly hurt in this way and wish you the very best.

Original poster
Tatiana11235 · 25/06/2016 15:21

Sycamore, I know what you mean.

No there is no hint of neither remorse nor an apology.

He took his wedding ring off.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 25/06/2016 15:36

Tatiana somethings you just cannot take back, that is one of them. Its funny how drink talks, yes you may well have seen the real him last night. Its not only last night, but you mentioned that he is becoming more racist as time goes on, and that is not someone I would want to be with, add to that, the comment he said to you no remorse or apology and he took his wedding ring off. I can see noway back from this, as some one has said vote out of this one.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/06/2016 15:37

Imagine the impact on your dd as well, this negativity from him, she will pick that up.

KittensandKnitting · 25/06/2016 15:39

I would be picking up my things and certainly be "fucking" off as he put it what a vile excuse for a human being.

Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that and the fact this is your husband I rarely say it

LTB

NinaSimoneful · 25/06/2016 15:50

He took his wedding ring off?! What's he got the hump for? Is he still annoyed with you for asking him to keep it down last night?

Original poster
Tatiana11235 · 25/06/2016 16:34

He took his off because I threw mine at him last night I guess.

When I said I had lost it I meant it.

OP posts:
BoatyMcBoat · 25/06/2016 16:52

I would be kicking him out, and digging in with dd. Or would you prefer to be the one who goes?

PirateFairy45 · 25/06/2016 20:26

I'd kick off too, and tell him to piss off.

Telling you to fuck off back where you came from? Ignorant arsehole.

He usually like this?

Original poster
Tatiana11235 · 25/06/2016 21:22

He can be very unpleasant if he wants to.

I just wanted some reassurance that I wasn't in the wrong to try to stop him from acting the way he was. I mentioned his comment to me in the OP because it had hurt me so much.

OP posts:
StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 25/06/2016 21:25

YWNBU.

He was, though. Dickhead.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 25/06/2016 21:33

And you weren't in the wrong for trying to stop him for so many reasons. Having read through all your posts, now, it very much sounds like he's a xenophobic pig at heart. Pity for him that he's going to end up a lonely xenophobic pig and probably spending the odd night in a police cell if that's how he feels entitled to carry on after a skinful.

aurynne · 25/06/2016 21:44

I would fulfil his wishes and let him enjoy his whole country all to himself.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/06/2016 02:06

Tatiana - I'm a little worried about how concerned you are that you were in any way wrong. Of course you weren't! He was disrupting the whole block of flats, he was preventing you and your DD from sleeping at an extremely antisocial hour of the night - any sane and rational person would have attempted to stop him.

His reaction shows how unpleasant he can be, quite definitely - and his arrogant insistence on continuing doing what he wants, despite the effect on others, also shows how unpleasant he is.

His remark was absolutely beyond redemption - unforgivable - life-altering. There is no coming back from that, even if he had apologised, been mortified, abased himself - none of which he did - it would always have tainted your relationship. As it is, IMO, it has destroyed it.

Sounds like you need a bit more internal conviction that, actually, you ARE the one in the right here, and that you really shouldn't be with this thug. Why would you stay with someone who clearly despises you? And how long will it be before he starts to despise his DD for being part of you? I wouldn't hang around to find out. :(

BabushkaNumber1 · 26/06/2016 17:35

I'm sorry you have been treated like this. Just as with Brexit, there is the attitude and the vote and then the leaving takes a long long time. A shame all round, but really, could you stay with him after that..? Without knowing your whole context it's not easy to pronounce, but for me, that would be a deal breaker. I'd be out.

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