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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More of a WWYD? Moral dilemma

196 replies

Zarathustrasilver · 22/06/2016 21:05

NC for this.

I have been separated from my husband for 5 years and we are now finally getting round to sorting out the financials and our divorce.

We were together for 7 years before getting married and married for 2 years before we split up. I'm currently renting with no chance of getting onto the property ladder until I have saved a deposit.

We met in 2002, I moved into his house in 2003 and I went onto the mortgage in 2005. We then married in 2009. We have no children together. I left the marriage with nothing, he is still in the house with our 2 dogs. I contributed to the house financially from when I moved in, 8 years before we split up.

The split has been more than amicable, we are still friendly and have met up for a few times for coffee and a chat to discuss the financial stuff and text and chat on the phone every so often.

We have joint debts amounting to approx 10k. His suggestion was that he will pay off the joint debt and I will come off the mortgage and then we would be completely separate from each other financially. This was agreed about a year after we split. I was in complete agreement about walking away and not asking for anything else. The reason for this was over my guilt over how we separated because I left him for someone else who I now have 1 child with.

Last month we got the ball rolling by going to a solicitor each to draw up a separation agreement.

My solictor told me that I would be legally entitled to a substantial amount of money after the debts are cleared off.

I was aware that I would be legally entitled to money as we were married and I was on the mortgage however I had decided years ago that I wouldn't ask for anything because of the guilt I would feel asking this after I left for him someone else and that it was his house to begin with.

So really what I'm asking is what would you do in this situation? Would you ask for a cash lump sump sum as well as what we'd agreed?

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 22/06/2016 21:50

What does your new partner have to say? Are they amongst those saying you should go for what you're entitled?

Charlesroi · 22/06/2016 21:51

No, I'd be seeing how much you'd be losing for your 'dignity'.

Joint debts of 10k (so your share would be 5k) vs how much equity(appliances, furniture, improvements) was gained in the house while you were there. If the difference is substantial then you need to think again and propose a suitable sum. I'm not suggesting you take him to the cleaners, but you have to take care of yourself. You spent all those years contributing to his home instead of building up equity in your own, which has now disadvantaged you.

growlerisnotaporkpie · 22/06/2016 21:52

your solicitor is just greedy!

HidingFromDD · 22/06/2016 21:52

You were living together from 2003 to 2011. What did you contribute to the mortgage (just mortgage, not council tax, bills, food etc) and what would you have paid in rent in that period. Also, if you hadn't moved in, would you have bought your own property in that time?

If the difference is more than half the debt then possibly you could suggest that you are 'morally' owed more. but I also think you need to weigh that up against whether it would have a seriously detrimental impact on your ex. If it would, then it's not something I could do

Buckinbronco · 22/06/2016 21:53

I would take the money. Don't give up what you're entitled to

Junosmum · 22/06/2016 21:53

Personally I would stick to the agreement.

Had you not married him/ gone on the mortgage you would have had to live somewhere, probably renting and would have nothing to show for it and probably still have some debt. View it like that and with your current agreement you come out on top. You also get to walk away with an amicable divorce.

incywinci · 22/06/2016 21:54

Stick to your word. You won't regret that.

evelynj · 22/06/2016 21:59

Stick to your word, entitled has many connotations. I think you already know that it's the right thing to do. You have guilt, asking for more just because you can will make you feel awful & I'm sure that he will hate you if you do. I would view it a bit like stealing, if you haven't contributed enough to warrant it. Just because some people would be grabby, doesn't mean we all have to, though I'm sure it's tempting

kiki22 · 22/06/2016 22:00

I would stick to it why cause upset and stress over some cash.

badg3r · 22/06/2016 22:02

Presumably from your op, ex DH had put down the deposit and bought the house then you moved in later on? If he hadn't owned the house would you have had enough to contribute half to a deposit? Was the mortgage less expensive than privately renting?
I think you should stick to your original agreement.

blowmybarnacles · 22/06/2016 22:05

You've already trampled on him emotionally, don't do it financially.

honeyroar · 22/06/2016 22:07

So you left him for another man, he remained friends with you and agreed to pay off your half of the £10k debts in return for you coming off the mortgage, you're happy with someone else and have a lovely child. Yet now you've got a chance of a bit of money you're seriously considering hurting him again. Not nice.

LemonSqueezy0 · 22/06/2016 22:09

I think you'd hate yourself for it, in the long run. The circumstances seem pretty clear cut and you've given your word. I thinkits a pretty twattish thing to do, and I think km your heart of hearts you know it is, hence your hesitation. Stick to your word and retain your dignity

Valentine2 · 22/06/2016 22:11

Stick to what you said in the first place. It's not nice to break your promises to someone many times.

Elismum669 · 22/06/2016 22:11

Stick to your word

MyNewBearTotoro · 22/06/2016 22:14

How much money are you talking?

If enough to put down a deposit on a house I would ask for more. Essentially you have to think of the future for your child and the financial security having a property could offer you.

Mycatsabastard · 22/06/2016 22:15

When I divorced I asked for £3k cash to enable me to house myself and then I signed over the house, car and cat.

My solicitor told me I was entitled to an awful lot more including his pension but I stuck to the agreement we had made and walked away guilt free.

Don't chase the money. It's just not worth it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/06/2016 22:15

Get some independent legal advice OP. It's always nice to be nice but sometimes it isn't sensible to do so. This isn't the place for unbiased opinion.

It may be that you'll still stick to what you agreed but don't be a mug. Leaving your marriage has nothing to do with it. Act with integrity yes, but not blinkered.

Duckstar · 22/06/2016 22:18

Divorce is no-fault based in this country - no one can quantify morality in monetary terms. Please follow your solicitor's advice. I know you feel guilty, but the law is based on what is equitable (I presume your sol is saying you are entitled to some of the equity in the property - as property prices have risen).

Whisperingeye1 · 22/06/2016 22:18

I think you need to stick to your original agreement. You happily agreed to that and you have moved on. If you felt that you were entitled to more you shouldn't have agreed in the first place.

Summ3rRain2016 · 22/06/2016 22:20

Why waste any more time ?

Sort out the divorce quickly including the finances

Make a clean break and move on with both your lives

I see no reason for any delay, it should have been sorted out years ago !

You already have a new life and a child with a new partner !

What are you waiting for ?

Atthebottomofthegarden · 22/06/2016 22:22

I beg to differ - I think he's deliberately stitched you up. Talk to the solicitor and go with what you feel is fair, regardless of what you agreed. But do take into account what you feel he can reasonably afford, and of course the £10k of joint debt he will pay off (and make sure you get proof he has cleared this).

Notmymonkeysnotmycircus · 22/06/2016 22:24

I was in exactly the same situation, I left my ex husband for someone else and at the time I said I would walk away even though we'd been together 7 years and baought everything jointly.

As far as I was concerned I was the one that wanted out of the relationship and I didn't see why my ex husband (who was basically a nice man but I'd fallen out of love with him) should suffer financial loss as well as the loss of his marriage.

He took on the mortgage himself and I walked away without a penny as I said I would, even though my solicitor seemed to think I was crazy.

16 years on and happily married to the man I left him for I now look back and am glad I did the right thing. I have bumped into ex DH a few times over the years and we are friendly as we parted on good terms, i think you should stick to your word.

Mama1980 · 22/06/2016 22:28

You've agreed, given your word. I'd stick to that.
The fact that you're amicable, is worth a lot more than the money. I doubt the extra money would make you happy if it cost you and your exh whatever good will exists between you.

sepa · 22/06/2016 22:33

Stick to what you agreed.
Look at paying into the mortgage as renting for that period of time.