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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is there a non homophobic definition of the word bent that me & Ds may be unaware of before I complain to school?

419 replies

Balletgirlmum · 22/06/2016 13:47

Not very happy. Having various problems at school. Ds displays clear traits of asd but not being given reasonable adjustments. Also bullying happening.

Today in PE he was straitening the long jump measuring tape. Teacher asked what hecwas doing.

I'm straitening the tape cause it's bent.

Teacher replied - the only bent thing here is you.

Ds is not gay (he's only 12) but we have several family friends who are & older dd has lots of classmates at another schools who identify as lgbt.

AIBU to think that this isn't on?

OP posts:
Stratter5 · 22/06/2016 14:25

FFS spin all you like, it's obvious it was meant maliciously.

merrymouse · 22/06/2016 14:27

I think it's far more likely that the teacher was trying to make a 'joke/banter'' about being dishonest or gay than that he was commenting on your son's position.

Either way it was inappropriate and not the correct way to communicate with somebody with ASD at all. From what you have said your son was genuinely trying to be helpful. I agree with aginghippy. The correct response was "Don't worry, it's fine" and to then tell him what he was supposed to be doing.

There was no need at all for a snarky comment.

houseeveryweekend · 22/06/2016 14:27

Because its quite unclear and the teacher could easily say he didnt mean that, if you write to the head and the head asks him, what i would do is go and speak to the teacher yourself.
I would not be accusatory or agressive but just say that your DS is a little upset because when the teacher made a joke the other day your DS took it to mean that he was insuinuating that he was gay.
Ask the teacher to explain to DS that that is not what he meant. Now weather or not it is actually what the teacher meant you are far more likely to get a response that way by being nice and assuming he didnt mean that, because the teacher will be ashamed and not go on the defensive. I think that will be more likely to get an apology for your DS and prevent the teacher from talking carelessly and hurting peoples feelings in the future. x

MypocketsarelikeNarnia · 22/06/2016 14:28

I guess if you are from somewhere where bent doesn't mean gay then you might not see it. But if you are then it really really does mean gay in this context, every time. And doubly so if used by a blokey PE teacher.

Zampa · 22/06/2016 14:28

If the teacher has meant "bent" as in the physical sense, he would have said "bent down" or "bent over". Using "bent" on its own, in this context clearly has other implications: gay or corrupt and I think that the likely interpretation is gay.

A teacher should not be making derogatory comments to pupils.

It's perfectly possible no offence was intended, in which case the matter can quickly be cleared up.

FoxesOnSocks · 22/06/2016 14:28

Three meanings to bent:

Folded over
Dishonest
Homosexual

Whichever one it was strange of the teacher to say it.

If your ds had said the tape was folded over and the teacher said the 'the only thing folded over is you'. Then it's just nonsensical.

If your ds had said the tape was crooked and the teacher said the 'the only thing crooked is you'. Then it's still nosensical.

If the teacher meant gay then that's offensive. Bent is not meant in a complimentary way even if the person is gay or not.

PeppermintPasty · 22/06/2016 14:29

I'm not sure. If it was said in an amiable way?

I would say something like this, to signify that someone was acting like a wally. Someone I was fond of.

So, erm, example...my son might say to me, 'I dropped the banana on the floor'. Me: 'you're a banana'. That sort of thing.

What I mean is, the teacher could've just been saying the word bent because the other person used it in their sentence. It's a feeble joke, but that was definitely my first thought when I read it.

Of course, he may be a nasty homophobic shitbag, in which case I'm a banana.

Lynnm63 · 22/06/2016 14:29

Either common meaning is insulting either he called your ds gay or corrupt, neither exactly cover the teacher in glory. Even if he meant it as bent over surely he has enough brain cells to realise the other pupils will snigger oh ds name Sir just called you gay.
In my experience I've had more issues with PE teachers than any other subject a number of them are jumped up sadistic sociopaths.

Wellthen · 22/06/2016 14:29

Even as a teacher I'm finding it odd that people are assuming he did nothing wrong! As many have said, whether he meant gay or not (he will deny it and you can't prove it) it was disrespectful and unnecessary.

Aside from anything else, your DS thinks he meant gay. THIS is your issue. The teacher needs to take more care over how they speak to their students. I would make this the basis of your inquiry - my son is upset because he feels the teacher meant gay. I'm sure he didn't but I'd like this to be looked into.

I would be appalled to hear a colleague had used the phrase 'the only bent thing is you' even if I was certain they wouldn't have meant it homophobically.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 22/06/2016 14:30

I don't think I've ever heard the term "bent" in reference to homosexuals.

Clearly I have a problem Hmm

ChatterNatterer · 22/06/2016 14:30

I would go in and ask the teacher what they meant - I cannot imagine any answer they give will be appropriate so I would definitely let them know it's not okay to speak to your child like that.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 22/06/2016 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Butteredparsnips · 22/06/2016 14:32

I might be interpreting ( even over interpreting) this differently, but to me it sounds disablist rather than homophobic.

The only thing that is bent - as in wonky - is you sounds to me like he is saying your DS is different, but not necessarily gay, either way it's not great, even if it was clumsy rather than intentional.

PeppermintPasty · 22/06/2016 14:32

Ah, see Foxes I don't think it is nonsensical for him to have said 'the only thing crooked is you' if the boy had used the word crooked. That's exactly what my rubbish post above is trying to illustrate. It is exactly what I could hear myself saying, in a kindly way I might add. And I wouldn't mean crooked as in criminal. I wouldn't really mean anything, I would just be repeating their word back to them in a sentence, almost for want of something to say. Does that make sense?!

Original poster
Balletgirlmum · 22/06/2016 14:32

I think you have it nailed well then. At work so will go & deliberate. Not ignoring.

OP posts:
LordoftheTits · 22/06/2016 14:33

I would assume he meant gay. It sounds like a stupid, laddish comment that was designed to get a cheap laugh.

DementedUnicorn · 22/06/2016 14:33

I'm a lesbian and to me it is a pejorative term for a gay man, or more rarely dodgy like a bent cop. By nature I'm not easily offended but I would be fucking raging if a teacher said that to my son in front of his classmates.

honkinghaddock · 22/06/2016 14:34

I think the pe teacher thought he was being funny by saying something that could have two meanings. I don't think it would have been meant personally but it is unacceptable and a teacher would have been reprimanded for saying it at schools I taught in.

Kennington · 22/06/2016 14:38

Bent used to be used for dodgy as in 'not straight down the line' or not adhering to the law.
Could also mean 'bent down'
And also gay, although I haven't heard this used in the first or third context for a while

BertrandRussell · 22/06/2016 14:42

Ignore the Professionally Unoffended.

In the way he used it it either meant gay or dishonest. Either of which is unacceptable.

Go and ask. Not all guns blazing- but in a "What's all this about?" way then based on the response decide what to do next.

NeverbuytheDailyMail · 22/06/2016 14:42

Seriously - you all think the teacher meant bent as in "crooked" or "criminal" - come on. I know we're not supposed to slag off teachers on mumsnet but ffs! OP go to the school and ask him what he meant. Your son was doing nothing wrong and didn't deserve a personal insult regardless of the meaning - adults are supposed to model good behaviour and this teacher didn't. Get him told.

ScarlettDarling · 22/06/2016 14:43

I'm with you, sounds mighty derogatory to me and I'd be furious in your shoes.

I'm a teacher too, and yes, sometimes comments do slip out which I haven't properly thought through and I do think 'oops', but I quickly clarify it and make sure the child knows no offence was meant. And never, not even on my worst, most sleep deprived, PMT fuelled day would I EVER have made this comment.

It needs to be followed up.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 22/06/2016 14:43

You're not very happy. I'd be fucking nuclear
I don't know about "not very happy".
Whatever context he/she meant it in is not really the issue. It was intended as insult.
Hence the words before the comment.
Was this said infront of other children
So he's getting bullied by pupils and now a teacher. I don't think it's on either
I'd definitely complain.

whattodowiththepoo · 22/06/2016 14:43

I would presume he meant dodgy not gay.

VestalVirgin · 22/06/2016 14:44

Ignoring any homophobic connotations, it just sounds disrespectful.

Yeah, I am not a native speaker and would have no idea what "bent" means if used to refer to a person, but would feel vaguely insulted, because it just sounds like an insult.

I would complain about the teacher's general behaviour. Adults should not make stupid, non-funny jokes at children. If teacher wanted to make a joke, he needs to improve his sense of humour.