AIBU to be furious with my H for the way he totally overreacted to our DS (5) last night which then caused a minor injury to DS? WWYD?

[SeeYouLaterAlligator]

I'll start with a bit of background. I've been married to my husband for 12 years, and we have one child (son) who is nearly 6. We have a good life...could do with a lottery win but then who couldn't?

I'm not sure if this is relevant yet (I think it may be) but I'm an only child and my husband is the eldest of 3.

Our son is a normal, happy and loving 5 year old who is kind to others and well behaved at school but can also at times be disobedient. It isn't serious disobedience, it's challenging his boundaries at home which we've all done and is usually a refusal to do something like picking his clothes up off the floor or arguing that he doesn't like spaghetti bolognaise despite loving it and clearing his plate the last time he ate it. The usual 5-6 year old stuff.

However, when H and DS are together at home and I am not in the same room as them for whatever reason, they start arguing. When I walk back in the room I get 'he did this' followed by 'but he did this' from both of them. It is like having two kids to deal with. I expect it from DS but I don't expect the whinging from my 44 yr old husband. A few times its ended up with H storming out of the room acting like a petulant child and DS stomping up to his bedroom. It's tiresome but until now I've carried on being the referee, sorting it out and maintaining the peace (despite wondering how I ended up with two kids when I only ever wanted one). I don't know if this is linked to having two younger siblings who invariably would've been antagonised by him and vice versa, when they were younger. As I'm an only child I don't have sibling rivalry to compare it to but you would think listening to the two of them arguing etc, that they were brothers.

Last night however, it went a step too far. I left the bathroom to go downstairs and get DS a glass of water while he stayed upstairs with H to do his teeth. Before I'd even finished filling the glass of water in the kitchen I heard DS scream in pain. I ran upstairs to find him holding his head in agony and sobbing 'why did you do that daddy, why did you hurt me?' with H saying 'I didn't, this is what happened and...' blah blah blah. I got down on the floor to cuddle him and once the sobs weren't as desperate I was able to see the injury which was a big red bump above his eyebrow. I ran downstairs to get ice from the freezer to put on his head and came back upstairs to H still going on that it was DS's fault and that he wasn't going to apologise (DS is still sobbing quietly). From what I can gather, H had nagged DS to do something he was already doing (he would've seen this if he wasn't on his phone all the time) so DS picked up his toilet steps (he'd been standing on them to do his teeth) and bumped them against H's leg (both of them said it wasn't a hard bump, just an annoying and antagonistic one). He did this a further 3 times and on the 4th time, H retaliated and swung his arm really hard so that the steps swung up and hit DS just above his eyebrow. It was already turning into an egg by the time I'd run upstairs to see what the scream was about, and you could see the shape of the steps there as well. It was approximately the size of a 50p piece, possibly slightly bigger.

I know DS was wrong to be annoying H but if he had done the bumping of the steps on me (which he wouldn't have) I would've said stop on the first bump and removed them on the second. I would not have waited for bump number 4 to then retaliate in a completely inappropriate way. DS said H didn't tell him to stop because he was on his phone. H got in a grump because it apparently wasn't his fault and stormed off downstairs.

Once DS had gone to sleep I took a photo of the bump and then went down and had it out with H. I was absolutely furious with him for reacting like that and refusing to come up and say goodnight to DS (which upset him even more) and refusing to see what he had done was wrong. I asked him why the fuck he hadn't taken the steps off him before it got to that point and he said 'I couldn't, he was too strong' - my husband is 6'2" and 15st, our 5 year old is 3ft 10". DS is strong but my 73 year old arthritic mother would be able to overpower DS if needs be. It was an absolutely pathetic excuse and I told him so. He retaliated in a wholly unacceptable way to the irritation of a child being annoying. I asked him what he would say if DS is asked at school about the bump on his head which is entirely possible and probable and H said 'I'm not living my life wondering what social services would say'. I agree to an extent but he doesn't get that if DS says what he believes happens which isn't a lie, it's just what he thought happened, that daddy swung the steps to hit him in the face, he is extremely likely to be on the receiving end of SS, the school and worst case, the police. The teachers have a duty of care to report things like this, even if it wasn't true, because it's part of their safeguarding for children.

Anyway today H is giving me the silent treatment (which I'm glad about because I'm likely to snap again should he even dare try and excuse what he did again) he's refusing to apologise to DS despite DS going straight over to his dad when he got up this morning and saying sorry for his bad behaviour last night. H ignored that and asked had he had his breakfast yet (which he knew he hadn't as he'd just seen him come downstairs). My heart broke for DS when I heard that. DS knows he did wrong to bump his dad with the steps and has apologised but H is acting like a petulant child and can't see what he did was far far worse.

I have told DS what I think happened, that it was an accident and that his dad wouldn't do anything to deliberately hurt him but I have not told him not to say anything and I have not told him to say anything if you see what I mean, because if this is picked up, I will absolutely not back up my husband. I will not be seen as someone protecting my husband when I think what he did was wrong. I am half expecting a call from school to ask about the bump on his head (the swelling has gone down a bit this morning thanks to the ice packs I put on it last night).

So, I'm not actually sure what I'm asking here really. Am I being unreasonable to still be furious with H for what he has done. Should I say or do anything to inform anyone? Is there anyone or anything that can help him when he doesn't have anger management issues, but he does have insolent, petulant childish moments with DS where he retaliates in the most stupid unacceptable way and doesn't think of the consequences of his actions? What would you do? What should I do? Should I do anything more than I have?

Sorry for the rambling, I'm not usually at a loss on what to do or whether to do anything. I phoned my mum this morning (she is the only other person that knows) and I cried down the phone to her because I'm gutted for our DS that he has been hurt by his dad. It was an accident but it shouldn't have happened. I never cry but this has stunned me. I'm gutted that the one man who should fight his corner, protect him and love him unconditionally, is actually the one that has physically and emotionally, but accidentally, harmed him and that he won't accept that what he did was wrong.

I'm just sat outside school (he's in an after school club this afternoon) and realised I will be able to reply to every one of you that has offered me such good advice this evening...I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the replies (thank you for every single one of them) and was getting lost on who I was responding to. In my stupefied state I didn't think to get my iPad out and do it that way so I apologise if I've waffled and jumped all over the place, hopefully I will be more structured this evening with two devices and a clearer head.

I tell DS every single day how much I love him, he is in no doubt about that. What I need to tell him (again) this afternoon is that this will never ever happen again. I now have thanks to all of you, avenues to go down and be aware of to get this sorted one way or another and that is what I was so desperate for earlier. I have known from the moment it happened and the subsequent lack of apology that this is one time too many but I didn't know other than walking out, what other options there were. I've heard/am aware of all of them but couldn't think of any in my fuming state.

You say, Seeyoulater that you tell your DS every day that you love him - that's exactly what I do, too. But the reason as to why I do it (other than the pure and simple fact that I adore both of my DC, I mean) is very simple.

My mother is still prone to sulking like a toddler and not talking to me if she doesn't get her own way.

I grew up with such little self-esteem/worth that even now (and I'm 40), I will apologise, without hesitation, for things that aren't my fault/other people have done - so, for example, if a waiter is slow to respond to my mother's impatient tutting... I apologise (although also to the waiter, it has to be said).

Please don't let your 5 year old grow up like this. Because, believe me, it's not great.

Good luck this afternoon - for both you and your little one.

for you (and PM me if you want).

I feel like standing up and cheering.

You are really coming through for your little boy and your love and care for him just shines through my screen.

Good luck OP

Hi op

I very rarely post, but I've been a member for quite a while and I lurk a lot.

But I really have to post on your thread. Your H is a replica of my STBXH. The stonewalling, the ignoring the DC, the over enthusiastic discipline. The 'accidents'.

SS became involved and I was seen as being complicit in abusing my little boy because I knew what my husband was like and let it carry on.

He's gone now, but I'm racked with guilt over what I let him do to my precious little boy. He's 16 now, but I can still see him rolled into a ball pleading ' stop daddy, please stop' as his daddy rained blows down on him.
I just hope my son can forgive me.

Don't let this be you in ten years time op

Good luck OP.

Good luck SeeYouLaterAlligator.

This is very worrying, and with respect I think you are minimising. You have already said that it wasn't really an accident whilst encouraging DS to say that it was if asked, so you know it's wrong. If my child had such an injury I would have taken them to A & E - why didn't you - awkward questions? I would urge you to reconsider being in this relationship. your child should come first.

Pomers you read that wrong. She said she wouldn't encourage her son either to say that it was an accident or wasn't.

Good luck Alligator keep strong.

mylifetoo for you.

I'm also waving those pom-poms, Alligator :) You're a strong, sensible woman and a good mother. Hope the evening gets you some kind of result (one way or another.)

I'm concerned about all the characterisations of H as childish, immature, etc. It's clear that he acts like a stroppy child - but he isn't one. For him to be "competing" with DS, he would either have to believe he is five years old or DS is 30.

That would be some impressive psychosis! Clearly he doesn't believe either of these things, therefore the truth is that he uses his greater size, strength and authority to exert power over his child. Two very good words for this are bullying and abuse. Abuse, by definition, means using your advantage against your victim. Your husband regularly does this against your son.

You should worry, and you are doing it impressively I felt it important to clarify this "childish" business.

Horrible situation op, glad to see that you're taking it so seriously. It's chilling that your h's instinct is to protect himself instaed of comforting his son.

How is his temper around you?

it was inevitable that one day the arguments between ds and dh would end in someone getting hurt - and it was always likely to be your ds.

follow thru now because if your dh does not see and get help to change, the next "accident" could be a lot worse .

whether he was brought up with siblings is irrelevant - does he argue and snap with his work colleagues? are you or someone expected to referee there too?
does he actually understand he is the adult here?

Your situation sounds awful and very frustrating. Any bad behaviour your son is exhibiting is your husbands fault, you've already said he wouldn't behave like that with you. He needs to step up and be the grown up, starting with apologising to your son. I'm heartbroken for you and can sympathise as my hubby bickers with my daughter sometimes but I say to them "alright children" and hubby realises he's being an ass and he's learning thankfully that he has to be a parent, not a sibling. I don't even know what to tell you to do other than get advice from a professional

Thanks Kitsa you're right, I haven't told DS to say it was an accident Pomers I did the opposite, I have said nothing other than let DS know I absolutely believe him...I felt it was important as soon as this happened because this was something else if you see what I mean, far more serious, that I wasn't to say anything at all that could be misconstrued as putting words in DS's mouth. I felt if he was asked at school about the bump on his head, it was incredibly important the only words that came out of his mouth were his own.

I've picked him up from school and as usual he ran at me into my arms to swing him around and told me how much he loved me.

Contrary - does your mother have narcissistic tendencies? I often apologise too much if anything so when someone doesn't apologise in always shocked. I may well take you up on your offer, thank you.

Thanks for all the good wishes and supportive messages! We're home now, I'm about to do dinner and we are all at home together. So far and the hour has begun, he has not apologised and is acting 'normal' with DS. He needs to apologise soon. I may not take DS up to my mothers though as it'll disrupt his evening up more than the already late dinner...so the ultimatum will be given when he's in bed. I thought afterwards, if I take DS up to mum, he'll know it's unusual on a school night so maybe it's best not to. Oh who knows eh? Ultimatum is happening regardless, just not in front of DS as we never do anyway but he's had enough to deal with in the past 24hrs. I have noticed though, he's not jumping over his dad and telling him excitedly about his day. Hmmm, probably because he doesn't want another emotional issue from the arse.

Cestlavielife - his job is very much a one man job although he works for a big company and the job he had before he was in for 22 years before retiring and was somewhat 'institutionalised' (he's 44 but was retired from his job at 40 like most others who do the same 'service').

I don't mean to be horrible but you sound really weak. You're waiting for someone to take the decision out of your hands for you.

You've gathered 'evidence' by way of photos and by not putting words in your sons mouth and you say you've already decided if you child reports this to school you're not taking your husbands side.

So to me that shows you know what happened was not right.
If you think that social services might get involved about this you know on some level this was a bit more than an accident.
Yes he might not have meant to hurt your ds's head but he certainly pushed the step hard enough to do that and he would have hurt his hand at the very least even if he hadn't hit his face.

To me to not apologise and to be mean to him this morning is unforgivable. Why is your poor little boy apologising to his dad because his dad hit him in the head with a step last night and why are you allowing him to do this?
This is where you should have stepped in and told your little boy he had nothing to be sorry for and if daddy couldn't see that and apologise then daddy needed to get the fuck out of the house for a bit. Why did you sit back and allow that to happen this morning?

What if he doesn't tell school? What if social services don't get involved and the decision is left in your hands? You can't be there all the time and I'd hate to be in a situation where I couldnt leave my husband to supervise my child brushing his bloody teeth without him getting a head injury, each to their own I guess!

I agree with MoreKopparberg. Take him to your mum's as you originally planned. The conversation needs to be had today and without DS around as that option exists.

I don't think your DH hurt him on purpose.I think he was just trying to bat away the steps because your DS was hurting him.I think your DH does need parenting classes, but I also think you need to wake up and smell the coffee.
You have created a situation where you do not stand shoulder to shoulder with yoru DH.You let your DS manipulate you into siding with him against your DH.Repeated slamming steps into his father's leg at the age of 5 is not isn't 'a bit disobedient' it is worryingly bad behaviour. Your DH cannot discipline him because mummy comes running in and instead of backing DH up she asks DS for his 'side of the story'. You undermine him!

Well done Alligator for standing up to this monster. What a wanker. Your poor DS. My husband apologizes to the dogs/cats if he accidentally stands on a tail or a paw when they're all languishing about the house and if he didn't he'd soon bloody know about it and with the now grown up DC he would always be mortified if he accidentally hurt one of them. How dare your H not apologize

He does sound resentful jealous of your DS as someone else posted. I'm so pleased you have support and are all set with a plan. Sending you positive thoughts ! 💐

Snowy - what are you on? You think a 5-year-old hitting his 6'+ dad, presumably to get some attention, before being twatted across the head is at fault here?

seeyoulater as far as your H is concerned this is all over. I think when you speak to him it is going to come as a complete shock.

Did he used to be away a lot with his job and now he is back it is a struggle to do the day to day relationship type stuff?

Not trying to excuse your H but some people never really adjust to the having children and having to share your partners time and affection bit.

only you know if this is an issue. hope it goes well and really behind you and your plan.

OP, why don't you call the NSPCC helpline?
08088005000
That might feel less scary than calling social service or the police?
I do think you need professional advice about this.
Even though your immediate concern is the physical injury your husband caused, his general behaviour does sound like emotional abuse and that will cause long lasting damage to your son's well being.
He definitely needs professional guidance - parenting classes might not be enough but they would be a good start.
I hope you will stop waiting for your husband to apologise (he's not going to, is he?!) and start being more proactive about protecting your son.

You have created a situation where you do not stand shoulder to shoulder with yoru DH

No she hasn't, her H has. And standing by and backing up his behaviour would be an absolutely appalling idea. Parents being on the same page about disciple is great if they are both acting like parents. When one is not, it's not right to automatically go along with his abusive behaviour. OP's DS needs her to be on his side.

Btw, if it was an accident he would have apologised immediately. It wasn't an accident.