Any solutions to this maintainance argument with my ex?

[user1466355845]

Hi, I am a male 54 years old, been divorced from my ex for 12 years, separated for 19 years. Two children 21 (just graduated) and 18 Just finishing A levels. Technically my maintenance of £625 (voluntarily and more the CSA level) ends in October because my daughter has finished her A levels but wont be going to Uni till Sept '17. She has a job and is working part time but earns net £500. My son graduates then will be out of work (so can claim JSA) until he goes on an internment in China from October.

The problem is my ex simply cant afford to live without my maintenance and is piling emotional pressure on me to continue - she is genuinely worried and upset and I have been trying to help her by talking, advising on actions etc but she doesn't seem to be prepared to make changes to help the position. She has not met anyone since we split 19 years ago, has a part time job with O/T 30 hours and is very worried about her position especially working tax credit and child maintenance ending. I can see her huge income loss and genuinely feel sorry and guilty that I was responsible for a lot of this (I left).

My side is I remarried 7 years ago but have made sacrifices financially, I have a mortgage but can only afford to pay interest only, have credit card debt and have been sort of looking forward to being "maintenance free" and getting my finances back in order. My wife works part time only.

I have suggested to my ex that she can save money by repayment plans with her credit cards, she is paying way over what she can afford, finding a full time job and also perhaps switching to interest only mortgage for a year or so (over £200K equity in house). She cant get access to equity that isn't an option.

I feel helpless and stuck without a solution here, my wife is keen to ensure I don't pay more maintenance (understandably) but I will have to pay some to avoid my ex and children being unable to survive, but how long will this go on for? Am I being unreasonable? Why cant she find the drive and courage to become financially detached from me or at least not totally dependent. I am very worried and guilty over wrecking her life (she likes to play this card a bit) but simply cant afford to continue spending on maintenance at the £625 level a month nor have this go beyond another 6 months or so. I need to pay my mortgage or I am out in 10 years!.

Mums, Wives, ex wives and step mums - any suggestions?

Thanks

R

You don't need mediation or an agreed plan. Your legal responsibility has ended, morally people will always have different views but in your case you simply cannot afford to fund it anymore so question answered.

Give her a date, lower the payments incrementally. Put it in writing so it's very clear and support your children directly in whatever form you can. Job done.

I gave your post a lot of thought overnight and I think you must start to withdraw and put help on an even footing directed at the children. Your obligation to then alters but doesn't stop but I am afraid it does to your ex wife.
All this rubbish about not working full time because you have teen's is Frankly crap. You cut your cloth accordingly and the fact she is kicking off makes me think she knows emotional blackmail is available in her arsenal...she has lots of options and I do not see destitution among them.
I would....
Tell her from September 1 maintenance will be stopped. All other financial help with be going to the children. Do not come up with options or 'why not try this' she needs to do it and you need to remove yourself from the situation....
If I was Mrs user X 2 I would want this sorted now once and for all. Yes you left but that was twenty years ago. Time to start the future. My child help financially as students and pay some board and work too. Let everyone play a role....
I wish you luck. Don't be a doormat.

Your obligation is to your children OP, not your Ex. It sounds like she will not face this head on until the money stops. You don't need to feel guilty. Neither do you need to counsel your Ex. She needs to look elsewhere for suppport.

I would be very careful about the financial arrangements that you make for your 18yr-old.

If she has seen you paying to support her brother through university, she is likely to see it as being very unfair if you don't do the same for her. That obviously doesn't mean that you need to continue paying your ex-wife, but I think you need to be seen to be treating both children fairly.

It may also damage your relationship if she knows that you expect her to stand on her own two feet at the age of 18yrs old but still have her 28yr-old step-sibling living with you.

Op My late DH continued to pay maintenance to his two boys when they went to university. He paid it direct to them with the full support of their mum. Unfortunately he died when the youngest was in his second year but I continued to pay on his behalf until DSS graduated because that was what was fair. I hope you can work something out for your DCs.

I would consider an option of paying something directly to your children. That way you keep them on side even if her mother goes off the rails and it will bring home that any maintenance payments have been for them, not their mother.

My wealthy ex-DH managed to convince a judge he did not earn much and paid just £10 a week for each child. My children were 5 and 6 when he left. I got a full and part time job and though it was a struggle I kept a roof over our heads. I did not get tax credits. When they were teenagers it became much easier because I did not have to find childcare. £600 a month would have been a fortune to me. Gradually reduce your payments . Your ex must learn to stand on her own two feet.

My daughter wouldn't want to live with me. She wants to support her mum and live at 'home'. Totally understandable.

I think you can and should stop giving money to the mum, but should not assume that your children won't need your financial support just because they all are leaving their teen years.

Especially if you are still happy to provide a roof and other free perks to your 28 year old stepson.