Any solutions to this maintainance argument with my ex?

[user1466355845]

Hi, I am a male 54 years old, been divorced from my ex for 12 years, separated for 19 years. Two children 21 (just graduated) and 18 Just finishing A levels. Technically my maintenance of £625 (voluntarily and more the CSA level) ends in October because my daughter has finished her A levels but wont be going to Uni till Sept '17. She has a job and is working part time but earns net £500. My son graduates then will be out of work (so can claim JSA) until he goes on an internment in China from October.

The problem is my ex simply cant afford to live without my maintenance and is piling emotional pressure on me to continue - she is genuinely worried and upset and I have been trying to help her by talking, advising on actions etc but she doesn't seem to be prepared to make changes to help the position. She has not met anyone since we split 19 years ago, has a part time job with O/T 30 hours and is very worried about her position especially working tax credit and child maintenance ending. I can see her huge income loss and genuinely feel sorry and guilty that I was responsible for a lot of this (I left).

My side is I remarried 7 years ago but have made sacrifices financially, I have a mortgage but can only afford to pay interest only, have credit card debt and have been sort of looking forward to being "maintenance free" and getting my finances back in order. My wife works part time only.

I have suggested to my ex that she can save money by repayment plans with her credit cards, she is paying way over what she can afford, finding a full time job and also perhaps switching to interest only mortgage for a year or so (over £200K equity in house). She cant get access to equity that isn't an option.

I feel helpless and stuck without a solution here, my wife is keen to ensure I don't pay more maintenance (understandably) but I will have to pay some to avoid my ex and children being unable to survive, but how long will this go on for? Am I being unreasonable? Why cant she find the drive and courage to become financially detached from me or at least not totally dependent. I am very worried and guilty over wrecking her life (she likes to play this card a bit) but simply cant afford to continue spending on maintenance at the £625 level a month nor have this go beyond another 6 months or so. I need to pay my mortgage or I am out in 10 years!.

Mums, Wives, ex wives and step mums - any suggestions?

Thanks

R

I'd be supporting my adult kids through Uni but it would be direct to them as they need it not through mum.

Did you split custody time 50/50 so she had just as much opportunity to work as you did?

Did you work it out so that if the kids were sick you'd both share the responsibility of having to take parental leave?

Did you share the cost of childcare between you so you both could work?

If not then I say that the odds were stacked in your favour of being in a better financial position when the children became adults.

So many people bang on about how women with children are lazy/money grabbing etc etc etc but the truth is that the majority of the responsibility both financially (in spite of 'maintenance') and time-wise falls to the mother which inevitably leaves her with less opportunity to recover from a split earning-power wise.

Until that particular playing field is levelled I will continue to find the 'lazy/lacking-in-ambition excuses I hear time and again about single mothers with mature children somewhat lacking in weight.

My kids didn't move back after uni, I can't think of any of their friends who did either. They all got jobs and lived in house shares initially before getting their own places or moving in with partners or whatever. I don't think any of them wanted to live at home after 3 years independence at uni and alot of them stayed in their uni cities. Maybe its because we live in the sticks and not a lot of opportunities round here.

She has had £625 a month plus child benefit plus tax credits and a job. I can't understand why she has debts. Presumably the 21 year old has been living away for 3 years, has she been giving him £300 a month as his "share" of the child support? Of course it should be more if she is actually giving him anything out of her pocket.

TheUnsullied where did I say I wasnt doing that?

So you can keep your arse, and your presumptions, to yourself.

The bit where you said you everything for your children yourself, including financially. Not the case if you're claiming maintenance and putting it aside for them, is it? No presumptions here kitchen, just going off what you wrote.

I provide everything my children need financially.

Maintenance goes into an account for when they're older.

Not that it's anything to do with you.

I would say it depends on what the court ordered you to pay when you divorced. Are you sure you're only paying child maintenance?
My DH left his wife over 15 years ago, bought her a house outright and the children are now in their thirties but as she hasn't met anyone else he still has to pay her spousal maintenance for life!!

Ask her to give you her proposal for child maintenance post-October. Ask her to discuss with the DC and make a suggestion of what they think is right and fair.

Legally you don't have to give anything to exW or DC. Morally you want to support DC and not shaft exW. That's nice. But why should only you be agonising over what's fair? Let them make the proposal.

ExW needs to start being in the habit of doing her own finances. You must stop offering suggestions about financials management. She's a grown woman who has raised two children. She can work it out. Back off.

DC need to start thinking about the financial implications of their decisions. There is no free money tree. So help them get there by asking them to be involved in working out the finance proposals.

And that support comes from their other parent. It doesn't reconcile with the immense pride at providing all the financials for your DC yourself.

But you're right, it's about as much my business as any of the other comments that thousands of other posters post to mumsnet voluntarily.

Whatever.

I can see you don't get it.

Anyway, doesn't change the fact that the OPs ex seems to have been fine with sitting about for the best part of twenty years trying not to think about where the next leccy payment is coming from

It's amazing how little pride some women have. She's had nineteen years of a good maintenance amount, years of them being school age to make some impact on her own life. Ignore some of the hypocrites on here who would not be saying this if you were female. You've paid your dues, time for her to grow up.

Froginapan excellent post.

Lazy indeed! Raising 2 kids alone and working as if!!

Good point MoreKopper...

Assuming there are no special needs and stepchild is not paying towards expenses, why is it ok to provide room and board to a 28 yr old but leave your younger children without?

Who says he's leaving the younger children without? Maybe he'll give them something towards a shared flat?

Baconyum even if it's not lazy it's certainly short sighted in the circumstances.

I'd be saying exactly the same if the poster were female and society was stacked towards women generally faring better after a family split.

I honestly think your obligation has finished.

Is that how it works then? So I suppose the mother's obligation has finished too? Will she no longer have to pay anything out for her children?

You know the funny thing is that 2.5 years ago I posted in relationships about my relationship and the massive power imbalance going on because the childcare fell to me.

Nearly everyone was jumping up and down about the fact that my then partner refused to change his hours so we could split working and childcare hours equally so I could work without my entire salary being swallowed... It's funny how so many do not add up the dots to see that after a split the same principles must apply or one parent is left at a serious earning disadvantage and are so very happy to jump on the shortsighted/lazy mother bandwagon.

His legal obligation has finished, whichever way you carve it up.

At no point did the OP say he was going to withdraw all support for his children. He's only asking about the maintenance aspect.

Frog the OPs ex doesn't want to work full time.

It's completely different.

if she has spent twenty years being desperate to get back to work but unable to because the OP hasn't provided enough support, whether financial or for childcare then fine, it would be comparable.

But the exW has had at least a handful of years with teenagers for whom childcare isn't an issue, and she still isn't in a position where she can support herself.

She's being lazy - she had 19 years to plan for this. She also needs to get some self respect and stop financially relying on the father of her now adult children.

Was your pension part of the original settlement OP? Your wife has the house, which presumably she's been paying the mortgage on for 18 years to get to 200k equity- or have I misunderstood, and there was 200k equity when you left?

As a previous poster asked, did you have 50/50 shared care which would have allowed your wife time to build the same career as you? Did you pay 50 % of the childcare costs so that she could work without it costing her money.

I'm also intrigued by the situation with the stepchildren, as you mentioned them as a drain on your resources. Are they now fully funded by their own mother (or father)?

Seems to me that there's a possible way forward. Your children could come and live with you - after all, now they are adults they apparently don't cost anything - and your ex wife could generate income from letting the extra bedrooms to lodgers.

the OPs ex doesn't want to work full time

No - he SAYS she doesn't. I can imagine it's easier (generally speaking) for a man to say 'oh she's just lazy and has no ambition' rather than admit that a single parent with no childcare support is going to obviously struggle to get full time work or any kind of retraining whilst their children are at school.