Any solutions to this maintainance argument with my ex?

[user1466355845]

Hi, I am a male 54 years old, been divorced from my ex for 12 years, separated for 19 years. Two children 21 (just graduated) and 18 Just finishing A levels. Technically my maintenance of £625 (voluntarily and more the CSA level) ends in October because my daughter has finished her A levels but wont be going to Uni till Sept '17. She has a job and is working part time but earns net £500. My son graduates then will be out of work (so can claim JSA) until he goes on an internment in China from October.

The problem is my ex simply cant afford to live without my maintenance and is piling emotional pressure on me to continue - she is genuinely worried and upset and I have been trying to help her by talking, advising on actions etc but she doesn't seem to be prepared to make changes to help the position. She has not met anyone since we split 19 years ago, has a part time job with O/T 30 hours and is very worried about her position especially working tax credit and child maintenance ending. I can see her huge income loss and genuinely feel sorry and guilty that I was responsible for a lot of this (I left).

My side is I remarried 7 years ago but have made sacrifices financially, I have a mortgage but can only afford to pay interest only, have credit card debt and have been sort of looking forward to being "maintenance free" and getting my finances back in order. My wife works part time only.

I have suggested to my ex that she can save money by repayment plans with her credit cards, she is paying way over what she can afford, finding a full time job and also perhaps switching to interest only mortgage for a year or so (over £200K equity in house). She cant get access to equity that isn't an option.

I feel helpless and stuck without a solution here, my wife is keen to ensure I don't pay more maintenance (understandably) but I will have to pay some to avoid my ex and children being unable to survive, but how long will this go on for? Am I being unreasonable? Why cant she find the drive and courage to become financially detached from me or at least not totally dependent. I am very worried and guilty over wrecking her life (she likes to play this card a bit) but simply cant afford to continue spending on maintenance at the £625 level a month nor have this go beyond another 6 months or so. I need to pay my mortgage or I am out in 10 years!.

Mums, Wives, ex wives and step mums - any suggestions?

Thanks

R

I'm quite surprised by some of the replies on this thread. I know legally you only have to support the children until a certain point but if you still lived with them, what would you be doing? I moved home after graduation until I started a job and my parents supported me - that's not exactly a unique situation.

In fact maybe there's your solution. The dcs come and live with you so your ex can downsize. Perfect.

Sorry, but she is not lazy, OP - your ex-wife has raised two children and she works 30 hours a week. I am guessing she is not highly paid if she gets tax credits. But she's not been sitting around living off you.

Discuss what you are happy to pay for DC, and stop advising on her financial matters. There are financial advisors for that and banks. It is actually not your business any more.

So from October your son will be working in China? And she still expects the amount to continue unchanged???

She has the house of course. £58K mortgage value circa £250K. Why wont she move? Doesn't want to? Why not get equity release? Doesn't want to. Given up with frustration on those two.

I don't expect everyone to agree with me. I left, I was responsible for that and hence it's very hard seeing her feeling sorry and "what could have been" but that is where we are at and being positive to find a solution is not a thought process unfortunately she has - doesn't like change, challenges etc

I am seeing if other ex wives on here have a similar view to hers to see if it's me?

Yes, I also thought that Likeasoul

Unless the adult children have disabilities meaning that she wasn't able to change her career and earning potential then she had since the youngest was able to be left alone in the home to go to collage or uni around the part time job.

Unless the credit card bills was form 19 years ago then she got herself in this mess.

Should the government continue to pay child benefit and tax credits to her also.

Tell her the date child maintaince will stop and follow through

The first thing that is startling obvious is that she is only working part time. Is there any reason she can't up her hours to full time, or look for a full time job elsewhere?
Even at minimum wage, the extra hours would cover half the lost maintenance.

You'll spend the rest of your life feeling responsible for her, by the sounds of it.

I'd say to her your stopping maintenance but will be giving dc X amount each month for uni digs, food ect. There's no need to give her money. So o'er she realises it's stopping then she will get a grip and down size house ect - what any other single parent has to do

I was with you untill you expected your ex to plan a fathers day for you when your children are adults.
I also feel there's more to this.
But yes she should be independent of you financially to support her self by now. Our couldn't bare to be toed to a man like that.

As for seeing if other 'ex-wives' have a similar view, they are not a homogeneous group, any more than ex-husbands are

But likeasoul tbh that's not what happened in my house. After my graduation I got a job and paid (nominal) rent to my parents. I bought all my clothes and toiletries myself. I was an adult. No way did they have the same outlay on me that they did when I was 16.

His daughter has a part time job and is intending to work for the next year. Frankly I think it should be full time. His son isn't even going to be in the same country from October.

He's already said he gives his kids money directly if they need it and that should continue. But why should he put a set amount into their mothers bank account after the kids are grown and able to provide for themselves?

If she has 200k+ equity in her house, a small mortgage and a 30 hour a week job she has options. You should be supporting your kids directly if you do anything. She should be supporting herself.

YADNBU you exw has known for years that she would have to provide for herself when the kids turned 18, and she should have been planning for this.
I worked pt when I left my exh, and I have started working ft, and doubled my salary in career progression, as I knew cm is only until they are 18.
If she has cc deeds, then this is her problem to solve....it's been 18 years!!
My dd left work after my cm stopped to return to college, he dad is not paying to support her now, even though we are back in the same situation we were 3 years ago!

Stopping child maintenance payments to an ex is NOT the same as stopping supporting the children.

You can still support the children directly without paying anything to the mother.

how can she go to a smaller property if kids will be there during holidays etc? Not always a case of her going to 1 bed flat and turfing them out forever is it?

Elizabeth - I fear you're right....just no end in sight until both children fully settled in careers and earning salaries. But I have taken a lot of the balanced views here on board. Yes I am a soft touch - despite leaving my family all those years ago, I have been keen to minimise undue stress on her and been a bit easy with handing money over. Request for £90 towards hotel at grad day this afternoon was requested...I said yes of course, otherwise "Well I cant go you go yourself" etc

I think the solution is to reduce the money in October by 40% and then keep it at that level until my daughter is 19 in spring next year. My daughter will be working and will pay 40% or so towards home costs my son is likely to be back after China (2 months away) and will be at home until he gets a grad scheme sorted in October 2017, but will work when at home, so he cant contribute too. Just don't feel it should be always looking to my bank all the time. Of course I will give my children money as I do now anyway.

Thanks for replies. helpful.

Regardless of anything else, i can't believe people are saying £625 a month isn't enough maintenance for two kids without even knowing the OP's income, especially when he gives them extra on top.

I would say the vast majority of parents continue to support their children to some extent in gaps years, at university and as new graduates. Presuming your ex-wife has done most of the parenting while they were small, why can't you offer your children a home now to free up your ex to concentrate on her career. You say your current wife works part-time, is that because you have gone on to have more children?

i moved home after graduation until I started a job and my parents supported me - that's not exactly a unique situation.

I supported myself from the age of 17. The 18 and 21 year old have earning capability and are not children anymore.

It does make me chuckle on threads like this when people come on and comment that £625 is not enough to cover half the cost of raising two children. Just £100 maintenance would be nice tbh - but I don't get it so we cut the cloth as 'together' families also have to do. Second hand clothes, packed lunches, sharing favours with friends for childcare etc.

I don't understand why any woman would want to stay financially dependent on an ex-husband for years and not prepare herself for the day his payments would stop. What would have happened if you'd lost your job?

LadyLapsang - thanks for your comment.

1. I have no room in my home
2. My daughter who lives with her mum wont want to leave her mum or come to leave with me
3. My ex doesn't want to 'concentrate on a career'
4. I don't have any more children but inherited two step children 1 who is 28 lives with me and my wife

Mscolouring - very good point

I am an ex wife. I have a 9 year old who I care for 75% of the week. I work full time in a senior management position which I worked up to AFTER my separation. Having children is no excuse to not work and not provide for yourself. I ask for nothing from my ex because I am perfectly self sufficient. £625 a month? Thats a phenomenal amount compared to the CSA amount most women get. She works 30 hours OTE and can't pay for herself? Get a better job or work more hours. She has 150k of equity in a house that two adult children are about to move out of? Downsize. She is actually a hell of a lot wealthier than most when you take this into account. She sees you as a cash cow and you are enabling it.