Any solutions to this maintainance argument with my ex?

[user1466355845]

Hi, I am a male 54 years old, been divorced from my ex for 12 years, separated for 19 years. Two children 21 (just graduated) and 18 Just finishing A levels. Technically my maintenance of £625 (voluntarily and more the CSA level) ends in October because my daughter has finished her A levels but wont be going to Uni till Sept '17. She has a job and is working part time but earns net £500. My son graduates then will be out of work (so can claim JSA) until he goes on an internment in China from October.

The problem is my ex simply cant afford to live without my maintenance and is piling emotional pressure on me to continue - she is genuinely worried and upset and I have been trying to help her by talking, advising on actions etc but she doesn't seem to be prepared to make changes to help the position. She has not met anyone since we split 19 years ago, has a part time job with O/T 30 hours and is very worried about her position especially working tax credit and child maintenance ending. I can see her huge income loss and genuinely feel sorry and guilty that I was responsible for a lot of this (I left).

My side is I remarried 7 years ago but have made sacrifices financially, I have a mortgage but can only afford to pay interest only, have credit card debt and have been sort of looking forward to being "maintenance free" and getting my finances back in order. My wife works part time only.

I have suggested to my ex that she can save money by repayment plans with her credit cards, she is paying way over what she can afford, finding a full time job and also perhaps switching to interest only mortgage for a year or so (over £200K equity in house). She cant get access to equity that isn't an option.

I feel helpless and stuck without a solution here, my wife is keen to ensure I don't pay more maintenance (understandably) but I will have to pay some to avoid my ex and children being unable to survive, but how long will this go on for? Am I being unreasonable? Why cant she find the drive and courage to become financially detached from me or at least not totally dependent. I am very worried and guilty over wrecking her life (she likes to play this card a bit) but simply cant afford to continue spending on maintenance at the £625 level a month nor have this go beyond another 6 months or so. I need to pay my mortgage or I am out in 10 years!.

Mums, Wives, ex wives and step mums - any suggestions?

Thanks

R

So OP what would you do if your ex sold her house and bought a one bed flat, told you she didn't need the maintenance but your children didn't have a home anymore?

Agreed, the exW hardly seems badly off, although if she has debts I wonder what kind of lifestyle the credit cards have been paying for.

It's more important, not less important to be financially savvy and in control once you are divorced. It is simply not acceptable, (and not good parenting to put your children into a situation where finances might become precarious) to simply hope that the money will come from somewhere to enable you to continue to live in the family home (for 20 years!) and only work part time.

Your ex has been living in cloud cuckoo land.

Vodka you can get more than a one bed flat for £150k, and if you can't, you can move area.

I think you need to start detaching from your ex and stop responding to emotional blackmail.

She's had years to plan for this eventuality and has to stand on her own two feet. Having kids doesn't give you a meal ticket for life.

In your shoes I'd work out a plan with incremental stages of decreasing the payments and a clear timeline. Write it down in a formal letter and send it to her. Then stick to it.

This will give her a chance to get her house in order.

Do not get involved in her financial arrangements just recommend she sees a financial adviser.

Do not engage with emotive texts or pleas.

Whatever happened 19 years ago doesn'the have to be a millstone round your neck. Have a direct relationship with your kids and get on with your life.

And actually, was there never anything in your divorce agreement that you would get your 'share' of the equity once your youngest child turned 18.

And the OP sounds like he has been guilt tripped enough without being made to feel guilty about an imaginary situation when his children's mother moves into a one-bedroom flat.

I'm sorry but my feeling is that you need to be strong after a divorce, not a victim of it.

Considering she is working so many hours, I doubt she has a choice on how much she earns, for what is worth she may have worked hard to raise her income and not being able to do it.

The fact that she has not settled down with anyone so far, may be a reflection of her financial situation, how could she if her income goes down so much if she starts living with someone?

I would say that she should be taking steps to reduce her expenses so she can survive once the TC and maintenance arrangements come to an end.

But bear in mind that if you have been involved in the lives of your kids, pulling the plug is mostly going to affect them. Most parents don't assume that once the younger kid is 18 their job is done and they should stop supporting their kids.

So keep in mind that if the mum is screwed up financially the children will suffer the most, so try to support them but it may be wise for her to start gradually lowering her expenses and sorting her finances so the changes do not come so much as a shock and for you to assume that your children will still need your financial support. If the the mum will be made homeless when the TC and CM stops, how is that going to affect your kids?

Ex has 30 hours as she is in tax credits trap.
If op if you think you have finished paying for kids then so has your ex and she sell the house pay her bills .
Your kids will of course be homeless. But you done your time so kids can do their own thing can't they.

kitchen I'm sure you can, but if the father refuses to pay towards the housing of adult children why should the mother? Not that I agree with this mind, I moved out at 16 and supported myself ever since.

If you want to be kind I would offer two months of payment after your youngest is done to give her time to find a full time job or to sell the house or remortgage. After that I don't think you owe her anything. When your youngest goes to college it would be appropriate to have a financial arrangement with your "child" as to how much you are willing to contribute but that should go directly to the child, not the mother. The child and mother can decide between them if the child needs to pay board during holidays but that isn't really your business.

I don't feel you owe your child anything if they are working full-time. The two months extra I'm suggesting should be enough to support them until they have found a job.

Whether your ex decides to get a full time job or sell the house isn't really your business and you shouldn't worry about it.

If I was your current partner I'd be pretty pissed off with the relationship you have with your ex. It sounds completely bizarre!

Absolutely right MsColoring.

It's a source of immense pride to me that I do everything alone for my children, including financial support. No particular offence to the OP, but if some bastard left me with a baby (what am I talking about, some bastard did!) the last thing I'd want is to be dependent on them for years afterwards.

Maybe it's just me, but my reaction was definitely "fuck YOU I'm better than this!" and off I went to get my career and be the provider.

I haven't read the whole thread but actually your kids always remain your kids adult or not - how many parents kick their kids out at 18 or 21. The responsibility is to the kids though not the Mother however she is having the expense of housing them or has had, although some of the investment in the house sounds like it is yours.

I think there are two sep things here

1. The kids remain yours even though adults they will require support even as adults- your new Mrs has to suck that up

HOWEVER it now becomes your choice what you fund. If you think its best for them to stay in the house they grew up in with their mother a contribution to their keep wouldn't go amiss - otherwise you end up supporting them in grotty bedsits for far more. You need to renegotiate the financial relation ship with them and Mum involved.

1. The ex wifes expectations of funding. I think you need to be clear with her that you will discuss with the kids - she has had time to prepare etc. Maybe its time to sell the property and divide the assets - let her settle debts and find somewhere smaller, if the kids want to live with her she needs to negotiate contributions with them (whether they are part funded by you or not is down to your negotiations with your kids)

She is experiencing a significant reduction in income via you and tax credits etc, HOWEVER if she is still giving them a home she needs to be realistic and charge them rent as she can't afford to support them with free accom/food/bills etc.

Personally its a transition time for all of them and I see why she wants to support them and stay in a home they are used to etc. It would be good for you to contribute to that cost of housing them. If you genuinely can't afford it then that conversation has to be had.

Of course your new wife wants to see the back of maintenance payments - but fundamentally those kids are still yours aged 17, 18 20 or 21 and young people that need support and that is something she needs to realise. It changes from being a demanded to a voluntary arrangement but its down to you they are your kids.

I am not sure the line is ever drawn in terms of financially helping your kids. My parents have helped all of their 6 kids well into 40's because they wanted to help them and their grandkids to afford things.

Alternatively - perhaps you could have them come live with you for a bit

Vodka you're missing the point that the father isn't refusing to pay towards the child's housing, he is simply paying the child directly rather than the mother.

The mother can also refuse to pay towards the child's housing after 18 if she so wishes. In fact "sorry love I'm having to downsize, you need to fend for yourself" isn't worst mother in the world territory, really.

Oh please the mum isn't going to be homeless, she's got £200k of equity available to her! She's hardly a victim. Most women on here would kill for that.

21 isn't a child. The 18 year old may need help but the op can do that directly.

There's a room at the OPs house if it comes to it.

If you are luckily enough to be in a position to support your kids though uni that money should have been going to them not ex so why will she suddenly miss it?

If your ex is not in a postion to support 18y then why is she having a gap year? is your 18 y old expecting you to just find her having a year off?

If you can support your daughter on £500 wage a month that's great but I would do it more in terms of paying her phone bill or something practical again not paid to your ex.

Vodka - if mum moves into a one bed place maybe like a lot of adult children they could sort themselves out?

All I can think is that until October your wife needs 3 bedrooms and after October she needs 2.

So I would pay until she can sell, hopefully by October this year or by September next year when she only needs 1 bedroom.

She is housing 2 other people who need rooms right now. It's not really ok to tell an 18 year old and an out of work 21 year old that they now need to go adult immediately.

Op - did you mean she hadn't planned fathers day or just not started a new paragraph to explain why she hadn't planned for this stage of life. I feel either I or othera have mistead what you said.

Your a mug

Legally, of course you don't need to be paying her still.

Logically, she's had plenty of notice that you didn't legally have to pay her indefinitely and should have been making steps towards being financially independent once the children had left home.

Morally it's slightly trickier though. I've gotten slightly confused over who will/won't be living in their family home after your payments stop so forgive me if this is irrelevant. If your adult children are going to continue to be a financial burden to her rather than them paying their own way if they're going to be at home, that needs tackling by the both of you (whether financially or more practically by urging them to contribute) and you shouldn't dismiss it because of a lack of legal obligation.

If your DC will actually be independent and living away from her for the most part and the current panic is that she's not matured enough to support herself, your contributions should certainly stop.

I must admit though, this dilemma is a far too neat and tidy 'YADNBU' for me to believe that she just can't be bothered supporting herself.

Just doing some rough calculations (conservative ones at that). The exw is working 30 hours. I'll assume that nmw. Plus 650 a month cm. After deductions but before any credits, that's rought £1300. With a £58k mortgage and 2 young adults that could contribute if they wanted to. That doesn't seem a shitty position to be in. Exw needs to pill up get big girl pants really. OP, yanbu.

YANBU. You have paid all these years and you're done . Bemused at the comments about him leaving her , nobody knows the situation and that's irrelevant. The OP has overpaid and for far longer than he was obliged. There are women far worse off and fathers that don't even bother. Don't be such judgemental bitches.

It's a source of immense pride to me that I do everything alone for my children, including financial support. No particular offence to the OP, but if some bastard left me with a baby (what am I talking about, some bastard did!) the last thing I'd want is to be dependent on them for years afterwards.

The decision you've actually made is to not pursue a large sum of money on behalf of your child, what with it being the child who's the dependant and all. Gets right up my nose when I see people get so proud that their child has less as though they're a step above those who do claim maintenance on behalf of their children. It isn't for you. And even if you didn't feel right using the money day to day, it's far better in a bank account as a nest egg for your DC than it is with your ex. Immense pride, my arse.

I honestly think you need to end maintenance on the agreed date, otherwise there will always be emotional blackmail and reasons why she's not ready for you to stop supporting her. I'd be unhappy if I were your wife and you were struggling financially while keeping the ex wife who won't help her own situation. She's known long enough that the support will end and now she needs to deal with it. Whether that is selling the property and buying a smaller one that I'd more affordable or working more hours. You cannot support her forever