Any solutions to this maintainance argument with my ex?

[user1466355845]

Hi, I am a male 54 years old, been divorced from my ex for 12 years, separated for 19 years. Two children 21 (just graduated) and 18 Just finishing A levels. Technically my maintenance of £625 (voluntarily and more the CSA level) ends in October because my daughter has finished her A levels but wont be going to Uni till Sept '17. She has a job and is working part time but earns net £500. My son graduates then will be out of work (so can claim JSA) until he goes on an internment in China from October.

The problem is my ex simply cant afford to live without my maintenance and is piling emotional pressure on me to continue - she is genuinely worried and upset and I have been trying to help her by talking, advising on actions etc but she doesn't seem to be prepared to make changes to help the position. She has not met anyone since we split 19 years ago, has a part time job with O/T 30 hours and is very worried about her position especially working tax credit and child maintenance ending. I can see her huge income loss and genuinely feel sorry and guilty that I was responsible for a lot of this (I left).

My side is I remarried 7 years ago but have made sacrifices financially, I have a mortgage but can only afford to pay interest only, have credit card debt and have been sort of looking forward to being "maintenance free" and getting my finances back in order. My wife works part time only.

I have suggested to my ex that she can save money by repayment plans with her credit cards, she is paying way over what she can afford, finding a full time job and also perhaps switching to interest only mortgage for a year or so (over £200K equity in house). She cant get access to equity that isn't an option.

I feel helpless and stuck without a solution here, my wife is keen to ensure I don't pay more maintenance (understandably) but I will have to pay some to avoid my ex and children being unable to survive, but how long will this go on for? Am I being unreasonable? Why cant she find the drive and courage to become financially detached from me or at least not totally dependent. I am very worried and guilty over wrecking her life (she likes to play this card a bit) but simply cant afford to continue spending on maintenance at the £625 level a month nor have this go beyond another 6 months or so. I need to pay my mortgage or I am out in 10 years!.

Mums, Wives, ex wives and step mums - any suggestions?

Thanks

R

Thanks all - it's helpful to hear so many views similar to how I feel inside. Especially today being father's day. The reason she has not planned anything is (a) not very driven (b) feeling sorry for her situation and unfortunately (c) a little bit lazy

I think 19 years may be long enough to feel bad about the way someone left someone else.

It's a horrible situation and I do agree that there are wider issues (women's low pay, her having the carer role, the piss-poor amounts of CS). However, your commitment is done.

I still don't understand why she can't sell the place, release the equity and get a flat...

Why can't she access the equity?

Goingtobeawesome - I am happy to pay them some money (as I do now over and above the £625. £200 to son this month as his Uni loan has ceased and he finishes up in a month. At the end of the day - this is life, people separate and we have to "move on". Seems I have an ex who refuses (financially at least) to do so.

In fairness, the "children" are years past needing paid-for child care. The mother has had 18 years to prepare for this day.

£625 is a lot more than I spend on my DC a month all told. The OP has 50% of the financial responsibility for them, not 100%.

She's had years to prepare for this. It's not your problem.

Accessing Equity - She is extremely cautious about mortgages etc and quite rightly so, so but she just wont entertain it (for now at least). Perhaps whilst I am an easier option....I may have to encourage her again to look at this.

Yes, unfortunately for her I think you have no obligation to keep on paying, moral or otherwise. If you can afford it it might be kind to offer a little money if your children aren't earning, but it's time she learnt to stand on her own two feet.

I think you should give what you would have given your ex to your DC. So half to each child while they're on work experience or at university.

You have no obligation to carry on supporting your ex, though. She has grown children who need to pay their way now.

I really don't think you are telling the whole story and think you are posting in a way so that people respond in the way you want them to, to agree with you. I really do feel for ex wives,, I maybe projecting a little but my poor mum lost out on so much just for bringing up her children as do hundreds of women everyday, screwed financially for years to come for putting their family first, let's hope she can access the equity and move away.

Honestly it really sounds like she's taken the piss a bit. Especially if you help out your kids on top of the regular £625pm. Do not feel bad. And happy father's day to you!

She should have prepared but your wife is wrong to think 18 means no financial support anymore.

Also if there is 200k equity in the house, can she not sell and downsize?

The OP supporting his kids through uni and beyond has nothing to do with the exW.

Presumably if he makes further payments towards them it'll be a payment directly to them, and not to the mother. So OP can support his kids until they're 30 if he wants but the money wouldn't go to his ex and wouldn't change the fact that she needs to support herself.

I think your DC could support themselves too now. I stopped getting pocket money at 16. Had part time job and student loan through uni. But I didn't have to pay board to parents until I got a full time job.

I agree with toocold really, but the world and its granny is going to agree with you.

What provision did you make for her as main carer when you split? Did she get the house? I would say if the divorce settlement reflected she was main carer of young DC, then your obligations are met to her. Whether they are met to your DC is another matter.

Maybe just get on with your life, stop trying to sort out her financial issues, stop paying her and let her figure it out. She managed to figure out single parenting after all.

Clearly the obvious thing would be for your ex to downsize her property This means either your son may have to live with you or pay her board in order for her to stay where she is.

This is the reality as it sounds like there isn't enough money to go around from what you have said.

Any graduate should not be relying on parents to provide for them, free lodgings perhaps but food, contribution to bills etc. either they get a job or all the JSA goes towards the person whose house they are in.

OK, sorry to be blunt here, but its her problem. Maintenance is not meant to support you for life even after your children have grown up and have jobs of their own and such, nor should it be. At some point you are expected to stand on your own two feet. She has had years to prepare for this but maybe thinks you are a soft touch and will continue to support her. You should indulge her emotional blackmail. If you feel bad for stopping payments, maybe give your children a small allowance to make sure they don't go without..especially if they have their own home by that point. Your children are your responsibility. Your ex from 19 years ago is not.

*You should NOT indulge her emotional blackmail.

Putting your family first as a divorced single mother means making sure that YOU are in a position where you can financially support your kids.

It does not mean sitting at home raising the kids on your exH's money and trying not to think about the big bad world of work waiting for you once the youngest is 18.

That is not responsible or good parenting.

I may have to encourage her again to look at this. Why are you treating her like a child? Just tell her exactly what is happening with the money, then it's up to her. Has there been this level of communication the whole 18 years? Because that might explain why this is happening now?

Toocold - Thanks for your reply but I can assure you this is fact and not biased in anyway. I didn't come here to waste my or anyone else's time.

I think you need to end it on the agreed date and leave it there. She probably won't deal with the situation (i.e. get a FT job) until she has to.

I wouldn't want to know her credit card balances, her mortgage balance or anything, none of your business.

Your responsibility was to your children until they could support themselves - see that through, then stop.

Agree with Terry, if you've been pussyfooting around her like this and offering this sort of emotional support, that's probably most of the reason why she hasn't bothered to sort herself out.

Time to stop feeling guilty. She's emotionally blackmailing you.