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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is batshit?

121 replies

angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 16:36

I have NC in case this post outs me.

A few weeks ago MIL phoned DH to say they were going to be in the area and could they stay over the last weekend of July.

DH said of course, we'd love to have you...only he had forgotten we're actually away that weekend. DH only realised the clash when he mentioned inviting his parents to me yesterday.

So he rang his DM to let her know - and all hell has broken loose. MIL broke down in tears and FIL gave DH a dressing down about bad manners and that he had badly let them down.

DH does have form for being disorganised which I know can be annoying but AIBU to think this is a complete overreaction?

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 21/06/2016 08:32

Sorry. scary.

scaryteacher · 21/06/2016 08:42

cozietoesie I can be scary either way, I don't mind!!!!

cozietoesie · 21/06/2016 09:00

TrickyD · 21/06/2016 09:00

pictish the OP has made it clear she is not at all hard up, so though a 'conciliatory gesture ' from some people could be a take-away, a bit more generosity might be appropriate here, the special meal for example.

It depends on whether the OP wants to stay in a relationship with the PILs or not. If not, kiss goodbye to any chance of the inheritance being altered, an arrangement which she is starting to see, understandably, is at best questionable and at worst unfair.

OurBlanche · 21/06/2016 09:30

If not, kiss goodbye to any chance of the inheritance being altered, which neither OP nor her DH seem to have given any thought to. But I can see now why you would consider cancelling a holiday and calling the DH a prat - you have made it all about the money!

Again you seem to have skim read some of OPs posts.

scaryteacher · 21/06/2016 11:11

TrickyD If my Mum behaved like the OP's mil, I'd have told her to get a grip, that she could stay in the house, and that these things happen. All that has happened is a diary clash; get over it.

My dh has frequently cancelled on me and family because he had to go to sea (though I still think that was a ploy to avoid hosting his parents and Grandmother for Christmas), but they still came to stay, even though he went to sea Christmas Eve. I dealt with it, as did they.

The OP's mil needs to get a life, stop being such a drama queen,,and the OP and her dh need to distance themselves or they'll be playing these draining and frankly stupid mind games until the pils die.

TrickyD · 21/06/2016 11:18

I think it is you, ourblanche who is skimming posts. The OP has actually been givng a fair bit of thought to the inheritance:

Hi doreen I'm interested you think that's a bit off. I was also a bit confused when DH told me (before we were married) but figured it was none of my business

and

you're the second person to say that about the inheritance on this thread and I'm so interested to understand this further.
Because I have totally accepted it to be fair considering DH and I are comfortably ok - not massively wealthy off, but able to pay our way
SIL is able to pay rent and food but would struggle to send dc's to a private school without PIL's help.
But even before SIL had children, PIL's subsidised her lifestyle with holidays etc while DH worked hard to pay his way. His parents reasoning is that DH is brighter and luckier than his Dsis and therefore she needs more help. Which is probably true.

Original poster

angryinlaws · 21/06/2016 12:01

To be totally clear about the inheritance, DH and I don't expect anything to change on that front or have even given it much thought. We're both of the mind that we are fortunate enough to be self supporting financially and it's their money to spend as they like.

It was interesting to find strongly opposing views here and I was simply seeking to explore that further. Because it's always interesting to learn different points of view. Not to use it to challenge the inlaws though - I would never be so crass as to talk about their money and inheritance!

I also totally disagree with trickyD's suggestion of a grand gesture as way of apology. As a pp has said, it's like rewarding a tantrum.. A sincere apology for an honest mistake is reasonable for anyone. And bollocks to the notion that expensive gifts are a more appropriate way of apologising just because you can afford it. Really? how grabby.

OP posts:

pictish · 21/06/2016 12:59

A sincere apology for an honest mistake is reasonable for anyone. And bollocks to the notion that expensive gifts are a more appropriate way of apologising just because you can afford it.

Absolutely.

Original poster

angryinlaws · 21/06/2016 14:25

comeonkenneth just wanted to say thanks so much for finding and linking the thread about narcissistic parents. So many posts rang deeply familiar chords. Some of it is quite uncomfortable reading because I think probably DH and I are still a little bit in denial/minimising.

It's not an easy balance to find but I'm afraid minimal contact may well be the next step, for the sake of our own mental health.

OP posts:

ComeOnKenneth · 21/06/2016 18:23

Hi angry, I'm glad it was helpful. It can be hard noticing and reading to start with, I know. for you, it's a tough process. I started going through this with my DF a couple of years ago (after the MIL fiasco), and it is so, so hard. I'm still getting there, and am low contact with my DF, which is mostly working ok.

If you and your DH can support each other, you can find a way to manage this that works for you.

And FWIW, I also think tricky is missing the big picture here. As I said in my earlier post, a single incident can be read either way, and on its own can be easily resolved, as she suggests, to your PIL's satisfaction. The pattern that this incident is part of, however, is not easily resolved without giving way on every occasion, and sustaining damage to your family in the process. And yes, enabling and rewarding the behaviour that is causing the overall lack of balance and health in the relationship between you.

I have a load more links if you might find them useful. Feel free to PM me, or ask here.

ComeOnKenneth · 21/06/2016 18:42

Oh and another thing: minimising and denying is a major part of how abusers work. They encourage their "victims" (poor choice of word but I can't think of a better one) to do this to themselves so they can exert control further, and get away with more. My senses of normal, healthy, real relationships are totally screwed up after a lifetime of believing this kind of stuff is normal, familiar and to be expected. It has taken me a very looooong time to get to the point where I'm starting to trust my instincts again and undo this self-imposed thought process of making excuses for their behaviour. But I do believe it can be done.

It's like breathing fresh, clean air into your lungs again after years of a forty-a-day smoking habit.

Original poster

angryinlaws · 21/06/2016 19:41

Just an update and to thank everyone for the wonderful advice given here. Today, DH and I had the most honest conversation about his parents to date.

I felt so horrible for not having listened more, instead encouraging him to keep peace with his parents when he has mentioned cutting contact. I realised for the first time how lonely and sad it has been for him.

It was awful to know that to an extent I have been part of the problem. Because on some level I was obviously aware his parents were gas lighting otherwise I wouldn't have posted this thread.

I don't know what's going to happen next but something positive has come of this latest drama in that it has made DH make the decision not to let his parents bully us anymore. And I am going to support him whatever happens.

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 21/06/2016 20:15

It was awful to know that to an extent I have been part of the problem. As I said earlier, I know how you feel and you have my sympathies. My DH does bring it up every now and then... many, many years later. Some of it is him checking his decision, warning me not to get involved. It's as if he hears/thinks something and has to warn me off in order to validate his thinking. I no longer protest my continued innocence, I just knwo it is his bugbear, not mine.

My only advice is to follow his lead completely. Talk abut your family by all means but never include his... so if sending cards, say, to your family don't mention his, no checking if he wants to, has or will... just don't include them in your thinking. Apparently just a mention feels like pressure... I feel sooooooooooooooo bad about that, I can't tell you. Sadly I think you may be growing an inkling of your own

So follow your leader, cheerfully. He will work it out, it will go away.

Good luck xx

SabineUndine · 21/06/2016 20:19

Just wanted to say, the relationship your DH has with his parents sounds very like my relationship with my parents. My mother is the strongest person emotionally too - she has managed to control all my relations with the rest of my family, practically all my life by kicking up a fuss if things don't go her way. When my father was alive, he used to enable this. Now my brother does. Do support your DH - it's very difficult to deal with this sort of situation, and people like your MIL are very very good at putting everyone else in the wrong to get their own way. All the best!

ComeOnKenneth · 21/06/2016 20:47

Such positive news! Go, OP, and good luck to you both.* waves pom poms

cozietoesie · 21/06/2016 20:57

Well done. It sounds as if you've at least managed some open dialogue between the two of you now - and that's one heck of a start.

Good luck.

Original poster

angryinlaws · 21/06/2016 21:22

Gosh, I'm actually feeling quite teary - you mners are amazing. I NCd because this subject is so deeply personal and sensitive - but I certainly wasn't expecting to end up here, actually finding a new emotional path, when I first posted...on AIBU at that!!

Thanks again for the support, you wonderful vipers!

OP posts:

ComeOnKenneth · 21/06/2016 21:45

MN can be a wonderful, life changing place of support. It was for me. Just trying to pay it forwards really!

There is a support thread following on from the other one I linked here: You cannot communicate with batshit
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2647886-You-cannot-communicate-with-batshit

All are welcome, it's a lovely place.

scaryteacher · 21/06/2016 21:48

I'm glad you are discussing it. I had a toxic father (who died before NC really became an issue), but once we had gone NC with mil, life became a lot brighter.

We do most things via solicitors when we have to contact her; and ignore the wider family when they tell us to drop the whole issue and kiss and make up. It's not ever going to happen, to the point where both sil and I have told our respective husbands that if mil crosses our thresholds, we will be leaving. Dh has no problem with this; he feels he no longer has a mother (but I've said he can share mine).

dowhatnow · 22/06/2016 08:28

I'm so glad that you are both singing from the same hymn sheet now. Together you can set boundaries and as you said, refuse to be bullied.

It's interesting that ourblanch says
just don't include them in your thinking. Apparently just a mention feels like pressure... So obvious when it's pointed out.

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