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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is batshit?

121 replies

angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 16:36

I have NC in case this post outs me.

A few weeks ago MIL phoned DH to say they were going to be in the area and could they stay over the last weekend of July.

DH said of course, we'd love to have you...only he had forgotten we're actually away that weekend. DH only realised the clash when he mentioned inviting his parents to me yesterday.

So he rang his DM to let her know - and all hell has broken loose. MIL broke down in tears and FIL gave DH a dressing down about bad manners and that he had badly let them down.

DH does have form for being disorganised which I know can be annoying but AIBU to think this is a complete overreaction?

OP posts:
Original poster
angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 23:16

scaryteacher DH has mentioned NC a couple of times in anger but I'm the one who talks him out of it because it's such a sad scenario to contemplate. Not to mention the guilt for dcs Sad

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ComeOnKenneth · 19/06/2016 23:21

It is scary. But can (may not be in your case, of course) be much better than allowing someone who railroads others into your children's lives. Both in terms of the example they are setting, and the direct damage they can cause to you both and your DCs.

There are lots of things to try before NC if you both want to. But the fact that you're upset enough to post here suggests that finding a way of reducing your PILs' emotional impact on you would be better for you, and potentially your DH and DCs.

ComeOnKenneth · 19/06/2016 23:22

Also, I second boaty's post above. Be prepared for it not to work. This is sadly very common.

Original poster
angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 23:57

Thanks so much for all the good advice. I'm finding it difficult to keep perspective as you may have gathered. Its hard because MIL is surrounded by enablers and DH and I find ourselves being sucked in under so much pressure but we are beginning to realise that everyone who wants to keep the situation as it is has a reason to whereas we don't.

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Original poster
angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 23:59

Which hopefully helps us stay grounded.

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scaryteacher · 20/06/2016 00:05

Going NC was a no brainer, and it is now all done via solicitors if we have to have contact for legal matters. The kids (ours and dbils) are all 20+, and have no desire to see her after what she has said/done over the last few years.

Living in a different country, having changed address and not told her helps as well.

Original poster
angryinlaws · 20/06/2016 00:12

scary Flowers you sound really strong.
Thing is, we don't want to go NC. I feel so sad for DH that his relationship with parents is so difficult. And want to try all avenues first.
Hoping to find a way forward Sad

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scaryteacher · 20/06/2016 00:34

We had an awful year when dh's Dad was dying, and her behaviour was beyond belief. She has threatened us with court proceedings, lied about probate and property and said some very untrue and potentially damaging things in public. Why would we want contact with some one toxic like that?

You only realise how toxic it is once you've walked away, and realise that you let them have the hold over you. She has alienated her sons, dils, and gcs. Good going really. Her loss. NC since 2012.

ComeOnKenneth · 20/06/2016 08:22

We didn't want to go NC with mil either - and we put up with a lot of terrible behaviour first. Similar to your situation in that I talked DH out of it several times. Then came a boundary we were both absolutely certain we couldn't tolerate being trampled. We set it, she went up the wall (dragging other family members in), and blamed me. NC now for over three years.

Finally DH is starting to heal and really see the damage she has done him. It's been traumatic and stressful beyond belief, and in the early days I have doubted so many times whether we did the right thing. I don't any more, I'm so grateful she's not in our lives.

Good luck with managing her, I wish you strength. Flowers

dowhatnow · 20/06/2016 09:29

That is so unfair about the inheritance.

I can see why you don't want to go NC but you do need to set strong boundaries and not bow down on these under pressure.

I'd keep repeating "I'm sorry you feel that way but.." and firmly and calmly state your case then disengage "I think everything that needs to be said has been said, so lets move on"

If they don't respect your feelings then you may need to distance yourselves. You need to show your kids that you demand respect from everyone you interact with.

Werksallhourz · 20/06/2016 12:19

Oh, this sounds so familiar, op. Right down to the "disappointment lecture" from the fil as though your dh is about 14.

DH's parents are like this, and it has caused an extraordinary amount of disruption, pain and upset -- to the point where they did something that was so horrific (and I do not use that word lightly), that I doubt I can ever get over it.

Yet still they think they are the ones being badly done to. There's absolutely no recognition of how their actions affect other people.

I suspect what it comes down to is that such parents always controlled their children through emotional blackmail, and they just keep on doing it when their children reach adulthood. There also seems to be a tendency to not recognise that their children are now adults either.

One of the problems with it all is that the DH in question might not realise how screwed upup the dynamic is because it's a all he's ever known from his parents.

OurBlanche · 20/06/2016 12:35

DH has mentioned NC a couple of times in anger but I'm the one who talks him out of it because it's such a sad scenario to contemplate. You must stop doing that. I did it for a while... DH still brings it up every now and then.

Yur DC will manageperfectly well without one set of GPs, many do well without any! Your D needs you, his wife, chosen life partner, to step away form theis conflist, to stop being part of the pressure h efeels to 'be a good son'. Regardless of your intentoins you are applying pressure to him... it took me a while to work that one out, life was easier for everyone once I did.

As for any inheritance, fuck it. If they need that kind of control and nastiness in their lives they can keep it. Support your DH in waving goodbye and then forget them.

Cravingdairy · 20/06/2016 12:42

OP you sound lovely and much nicer than me because I would be Hmm about the PIL's subsidising one child so heavily and the other not at all. Apologies if I've missed whether you have children or not but if you do, or if you might in the future, then it is not kind of the PILs to exclude them from their estate.

My DH is terrible for forgetting things and being disorganised, it has caused loads of trouble in the past, but I have realised that he truly can't help it and I try not to get cross any more. His mum gets this too. Parents ought to be kind to their children, however old they are.

Original poster
angryinlaws · 20/06/2016 13:07

I think that's right about DH not knowing just how screwed up the family dynamics are because it's all he's ever known.

Although he does have some sort of idea simply because he sees how others don't seem have the same problems. For example a few years ago, he and a couple of mates managed to get tickets to see Pink Floyd and they were besides themselves with excitement because tickets were like gold dust and cost an absolute bomb. But it clashed with his neice's 3rd birthday - a similar-ish situation to what kicked off this latest row and his PIL berated DH for being selfish because his neice would be so disappointed that he hadn't come to her party and so DH had to pass on the ticket. His friends were Hmm and I think DH realised that they all thought it was batshit that he was being forced to go to a 3 yo's birthday party.

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KittensandKnitting · 20/06/2016 13:13

Your MIL needs to get over this, I hope your DH just says "it is what it is" should it be brought up in conversation. Sounds like he has given in, in the past and they expect him to do this on this occasion too.

It's completely batshit crazy! They don't live on the other side of the planet and it's not going to stop them doing all of the wonderful things they had planned.

MIL does this to DH and he just tells her and then FIL to quit it. Very similar thing happened a few months ago :)

Original poster
angryinlaws · 20/06/2016 13:16

NC is so difficult though. I don't think DH would actually go ahead with it, even though he has brought it up during some really intense moments I think it would have to go to breaking point and beyond before he would actually go NC.
But I won't stop him if that's what he decides. This thread is a real wake up call for me that DH is actually a victim of emotional abuse and it makes me feel really cold towards PILs.

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Original poster
angryinlaws · 20/06/2016 13:23

werksallhourz yours sounds so like my situ - how are things with them now? Are you still in contact?

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Banana99 · 20/06/2016 13:25

My BIL once was on the phone and asked what time his parents were arriving the next day - we knew nothing about it, even though DH had spoken to them several times that week. We were in fact going away to a wedding a huge distance away and wouldn't be there (DH thinks he had even mentioned it).

Apparently they had stayed the same weekend a few years before so now it was 'their weekend to come and visit' and took a massive huff and hardly came to visit ever again for cancelling on them?!?

I PROMISE myself when I am older I will try and remember this shit when dealing with my own children.

scaryteacher · 20/06/2016 13:36

I can't believe he got rid of the Pink Floyd ticket! That really was batshit crazy!

Original poster
angryinlaws · 20/06/2016 13:42

scary I know your post is probably lighthearted and normally I would make light of it too - but thinking about all the shit DH has taken from his parents, it actually makes me feel really angry that he missed the concert. Really angry Angry

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Debsrocks · 20/06/2016 14:14

You don't have to go NC though, there is a middle ground. My parents would be very similar to what you mention here and 5 years ago I went very low contact with them, I wrote and told them why and how things would be going forward. Now I keep in contact largely by text, suggest meeting for dinner every 6 weeks or so, send birthday cards, Mother's Day cards etc but don't spend these occasions with them any more (we always 'had to' spend occasions with them. I distanced myself from them in every way possible and we now have a very superficial relationship which suits me just fine. It took me nearly 40 years to get to that point and I wish I had done it sooner but better late than never. There is nothing that I miss about them and any time I do think about them I feel some guilt that I now put my feelings before theirs but largely I feel relief that I no longer live in dread of them, their moods, their tantrums, their guilt trips etc.

Read up on narcissism - it was like a lightbulb moment for me when I started reading up on this. Saved my mental health and that's no exaggeration.

dowhatnow · 20/06/2016 15:45

I don't think scary was being lighthearted. It really was batshit crazy.

Original poster
angryinlaws · 20/06/2016 16:25

Sorry for any misunderstanding- just to be clear I'm angry with the inlaws, not with scary!

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dowhatnow · 20/06/2016 16:28

Oh I know that, I just didn't want you to think that scary was being lighthearted when really she was being serious. I didn't want you to minimise the selling of a prized ticket to go to a 3 year olds party. That is so not right and so batshit crazy.

Original poster
angryinlaws · 20/06/2016 16:36

This happened shortly before I met DH and when he told me, I was ShockShockShock
But his entire family were so adamant that DH was in the wrong - that his neice was more important than a rock concert and how could he even think it was OK to cancel on her birthday party, it was selfish and rude etc.
I have made it very clear to DH where I stand on it and I think he was relieved that I thought it was madness. He has never forgiven his parents or himself for that matter for the way it was handled.

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