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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is batshit?

121 replies

angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 16:36

I have NC in case this post outs me.

A few weeks ago MIL phoned DH to say they were going to be in the area and could they stay over the last weekend of July.

DH said of course, we'd love to have you...only he had forgotten we're actually away that weekend. DH only realised the clash when he mentioned inviting his parents to me yesterday.

So he rang his DM to let her know - and all hell has broken loose. MIL broke down in tears and FIL gave DH a dressing down about bad manners and that he had badly let them down.

DH does have form for being disorganised which I know can be annoying but AIBU to think this is a complete overreaction?

OP posts:
MrsSpecter · 19/06/2016 18:44

it is very annoying when FIL talks to DH as though he's a naughty toddler

So why does DH let him? He has a voice. He can also hang up the phone.

trafalgargal · 19/06/2016 18:59

Was FIL telling your son off because he knows his mother has issues so should have engaged brain and remembered?

I'd be having a go at my OH not defending him if he was that thoughtless too as its not a normal let down but one that causes more upset as MIL is a bit unstable.

Could they not stay at yours anyway so they can still do the pre booked things even if they don't get to see the grandchildren.

trafalgargal · 19/06/2016 19:00

His son sorry

Gide · 19/06/2016 19:05

Special weekend wit all her favourite things? Is she five?! And what about everyone else's favourite things?

My parents have form for this: they told me they were coming down to see me and my db, who lives nearby. As he and my DH were both working nights that weekend, I said no and suggested another weekend. Bearing in mind the parents are retired and could choose any weekend to visit, I thought this was reasonable of me. They would barely see my db or my DH. I had the phone put down on me.

MapMyMum · 19/06/2016 19:17

You mil sounds like a princess that expects everything her own way!

Original poster
angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 19:23

I'm not sure it's as simple as DH "letting" him as such. DH has, occasionally, walked away when voices started getting raised.

Dressing downs are basically FIL going on at DH for being wrong in a disapproving tone but not shouty in any way. I likened it to talking to a toddler because it's as though FIL doesn't hear DH's reasonable adult voice in the conversation and assumes the role of a parent with a boy who needs to be "put right".

For example, DH immediately rang to apologise for the mix-up and tried to sort out another time but FIL just wouldn't stop with the "well, it's very disappointing and I really think you ought to think about your conduct towards your mother etc". So DH listens for a bit then they say a stilted goodbye. And wait for the inevitable email reproaching DH again.

He has tried talking to his parents about the effect their expectations/disappointments has on their relationship. That when he does occasionally disappoint them by not fulfilling an expectation, their reaction causes him to want to distance himself.

His parents have already made it clear that any inheritance is going to DD (his DS) and her children, which DH is absolutely on board with as he earns a good salary and SIL is a single parent.

I'm not sure how he can handle things better with his parents without going NC. Confused

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Original poster
angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 19:25

Which of course we don't want especially for our DCs

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Original poster
angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 19:30

DS meaning sister, not son

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DoreenLethal · 19/06/2016 20:35

His parents have already made it clear that any inheritance is going to DD (his DS) and her children

What a bunch of charmers.

Original poster
angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 20:53

Hi doreen I'm interested you think that's a bit off. I was also a bit Confused when DH told me (before we were married) but figured it was none of my business.

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ComeOnKenneth · 19/06/2016 21:50

I think there can ve an incredibly fine line between expecting "reasonable adjustments" (eg due to MH issues or simple personality traits, such as worrying) and someone using this as a means of control.

I speak from first hand experience, you can probably tell Wink

It sounds as though your DH has been incredibly reasonable, apologetic and adult in this. It sounds as though his parents are not only not recognising this, but use these incidents as a further means of treating him and his family badly.

I'm obviously not in full possession of the facts, and probably nor is anyone even actually in this situation, but generally the hallmark of an adult relationship that is healthy is the ability to make, on a fairly equal basis, concessions. By this I mean, giving credit to intentions, forgiving perceived slights, letting things go. Of this isn't happening roughly equally with your PILs, I'd be seeing red flags that this is not a healthy relationship.

Couchpotato3 · 19/06/2016 21:52

Ridiculous over-reaction. Surely they can come and see you another weekend?

KoalaDownUnder · 19/06/2016 22:10

You sound eminently reasonable and nice. They sound like batshit wankers.

And the inheritance thing is just wrong, regardless of what salary your DH earns. He is a better person than I!

Original poster
angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 22:11

comeonkenneth your posts have rung so many chords. I think FIL bears the brunt of MIL's upset and anger which is why he then berates DH.

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Original poster
angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 22:25

koaladownunder you're the second person to say that about the inheritance on this thread and I'm so interested to understand this further.

Because I have totally accepted it to be fair considering DH and I are comfortably ok - not massively wealthy off, but able to pay our way.

SIL is able to pay rent and food but would struggle to send dc's to a private school without PIL's help.

But even before SIL had children, PIL's subsidised her lifestyle with holidays etc while DH worked hard to pay his way. His parents reasoning is that DH is brighter and luckier than his Dsis and therefore she needs more help. Which is probably true.

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ComeOnKenneth · 19/06/2016 22:30

Angry, I think the key is to try and understand the overall patterns at work. Individual events, exchanges or disagreements can go either way and are open to interpretation. If the overarching pattern is that one "side" is favoured over the other, that seems to be a fundamentally unbalanced dynamic.

I have this on both my in laws and parent side. It's difficult to spot. Once you have (and crucially, your DH has, in this case), it's difficult to ignore.

It sounds as though your perspective is that your MIL is using emotional blackmail as a controlling tactic. If this is also your DH's perspective, you need to work together to find strategies to deal with it. I've been reading a blog I have found useful, I'll find the link and post. You might find a lot of it isn't useful but some might be.

ComeOnKenneth · 19/06/2016 22:32

narcissisticmil.wordpress.com

Original poster
angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 22:35

Sport, didn't mean to insinuate that DH is so much brighter than SIL! Blush
SIL is very brilliant. But she doesn't have the academic qualifications that would qualify for a high earning job. But she is a lovely, slightly ditzy, creative woman who has not fulfilled her potential yet. But hopefully one day it will happen for her.

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Original poster
angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 22:35

*sorry, not sportConfused

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Original poster
angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 22:39

In my agitation I forgot to say thank you Koala for your kind words Flowers

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NeckguardUnbespoke · 19/06/2016 22:42

SIL is able to pay rent and food but would struggle to send dc's to a private school without PIL's help.

It's hard to imagine the sort of poverty that people have to endure if they can't afford school fees, really. It certainly puts the lives of most of us into perspective.

Original poster
angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 22:45

comeon yes, DH and I do between us recognise MIL's need to control. But we, along with everyone else in the family, indulge it because the alternative is too much of a can of worms.

FIL once said, in an unguarded moment and probably at the end of his tether - that it was ironic MIL got so upset with the idea that her feelings were overlooked when in reality she was emotionally the most powerful person in the room Sad

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ComeOnKenneth · 19/06/2016 22:48

Blimey. That's telling of your FIL, Angry.

It sounds like you and your DP are both in line with your take on your MIL. If that's the case, you can start setting firmer boundaries with her, and gradually building up your tolerances (detachment basically) from the emotional fall out that ensues. Pointing out this was a reasonable but unfortunate mistake, that your DH has apologised and you don't see the need to go over it any further, in this case. Don't give the blow ups from either of them more oxygen than needed.

scaryteacher · 19/06/2016 23:02

We went NC with my dh's controlling mother, very liberating.

BoatyMcBoat · 19/06/2016 23:14

Well, they sound quite controlling, so it's just as well he doesn't need the inheritance.

Would your dh reply to the admonitory email in the tone he would use towards a sibling who sent the same email? If he can imagine that he is addressing an equal whom he loves rather than a parent, it might be helpful to him; remind him that he is an adult in his own right who has a life and family of his own, and who should be treated as an adult. It probably won't have any effect on your ILs, though, so probably not much point.