Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is batshit?

121 replies

angryinlaws · 19/06/2016 16:36

I have NC in case this post outs me.

A few weeks ago MIL phoned DH to say they were going to be in the area and could they stay over the last weekend of July.

DH said of course, we'd love to have you...only he had forgotten we're actually away that weekend. DH only realised the clash when he mentioned inviting his parents to me yesterday.

So he rang his DM to let her know - and all hell has broken loose. MIL broke down in tears and FIL gave DH a dressing down about bad manners and that he had badly let them down.

DH does have form for being disorganised which I know can be annoying but AIBU to think this is a complete overreaction?

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 20/06/2016 16:43

As a pp above said, be wary about putting pressure on him to do or react in any way.
Talk him through things, help him realise how healthy relationships work and reassure him that you will support him 100% in however he wants to handle things.

DoreenLethal · 20/06/2016 16:46

But it clashed with his neice's 3rd birthday

Good grief...

scaryteacher · 20/06/2016 17:04

I wasn't being lighthearted....even if had been ds's third birthday, I would have made dh go to the concert. and got the ticket for him. I didn't go to any of the birthday parties for my nephews and niece as we all lived at least 3.5 hours drive away from each other, and dh and I worked in different parts of the country as well (he was in HM Forces), so I wouldn't have wasted a precious weekend with him and ds, in the car going to watch snotty toddlers having a melt down and a sugar rush.

Glad you weren't angry with me though OP Smile

TrickyD · 20/06/2016 18:40

What had you planned to do on the weekend in question? When you realised DH had agreed to their coming then, could you not have changed your own arrangements?

ComeOnKenneth · 20/06/2016 18:42

There was a recent thread on this I found so helpful. You might too, angry. It was called this is so chilling and was in aibu I think. Lots of useful links in it on emotional abuse and narcissism.

Original poster
angryinlaws · 20/06/2016 18:50

Thanks comeon, I'll have a look.

tricky we're going on holiday to Spain that weekend so unfortunately not. DH just got his dates badly mixed up.

OP posts:
ComeOnKenneth · 20/06/2016 18:57

Sorry, it was called: This is really chilling, I think
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2635217-This-is-really-chilling-I-think

BoatyMcBoat · 20/06/2016 19:45

Why on earth should she change their own arrangements? That way madness lies.

Her dh mistakenly said "yes come, it'll be lovely", very shortly after realises that they won't be there and rings back to say "sorry! Got the dates mixed/made a mistake". Normal people would say "shame, ok another time then" and that would be yhe end of it. These ILs? Drama, crisis, their child is not available to them whenever they want him to be, pile on the tantrums and guilt, more drama and crisis and guilt trips. It's mad.

TrickyD · 20/06/2016 20:43

Boaty,

Her dh mistakenly said "yes come, it'll be lovely", very shortly after realises that they won't be there and rings back to say "sorry! Got the dates mixed/made a mistake.

But it wasn't like that!

The DH had the conversation with his DM "a few weeks ago" and only told the OP yesterday,

I can see that a weekend in Spain is hard to change, but I sympathise with the MIL who has obviously been looking forward to the weekend for some time.

DH is clearly a prat, and he and the OP need to make some concilaitory gesture in order to calm the situation down.,

OurBlanche · 20/06/2016 21:01

You may have glossed over some of the OPs posts, Tricky!

ComeOnKenneth · 20/06/2016 21:11

What do you think constitutes a "conciliatory gesture", tricky? I'd say an apology is pretty much the definition of one...

BoatyMcBoat · 20/06/2016 21:14

Tricky, apologies, you're right I got the timing wrong.

However, I still think that the pre-existing foreign trip takes precedence, and that a normal person would just take it on the chin.

TrickyD · 20/06/2016 22:39

Yes, Boaty, I agree that a trip abroad does take precedence here, but considering that the whole situation was caused by the DH's stupidity, I think that the 'conciliatory gesture' could consist of taking them out for a special meal, or booking them a weekend break in the country or something on those lines.

OurBlanche, I am just looking at ways to ameliorate the current situation rather than dwelling unprofitably on ancient grievences concerning Pink Floyd.
The MIL does sound difficult but as the OP does not want to go NC, defusing and calming seems the best and only option.

OurBlanche · 20/06/2016 22:52

Yes, so cancelling a holiday abroad is the go to fix... rather than DM having her weekend doing whatever it was she had planned just minus the bolt on visit with her son, said stupid DH.

Nope! Sometimes you just have to leave the drama llama to it. This would be one of those occasions.

There is nothing to 'ameliorate'. There was no stupidity. There is a great deal of expectation and heightened emotional response. Personally I choose not to feed the bears!

Werksallhourz · 20/06/2016 23:40

Angryinlaws, my dh is in normal contact. I am not, but am facing moderate pressure from dh to speak to them again.

The thing is that this is what dh always does and this is why they get away with their behaviour time after time. DH gets into this tremendous panic when they fall out with him and they have this uncanny knack of twisting everything round to be about how dreadful he is to them, even though it was their appalling behaviour created the upset in the first place.

I have no idea what to do about it. I have a DH problem, I know. He just will not stand up to them, even though he knows what they are like and we've gone over and over the typical pattern of what they do. He knows he has to change his responses to them but he never does. They somehow have the ability to wipe out twenty years of his life. It's some sort of pavlovian shit they pull every time. They only have to say a few key phrases and he turns into a teenager back at home under their authority.

I can't see a change in the dynamic anytime soon. They only thing I can do is protect myself from it by disengaging personally.

Werksallhourz · 20/06/2016 23:45

And to add... I know that, to them, I've probably become "one of those daughters in law", but I just cannot let them ride roughshod over our lives. The sheer amount of general emotional blackmail they pump out is just bizarre. Sometimes I wonder if they are going a little bit mad, or whether retirement has ostracised them so much from normal society that they no longer have markers by which to measure their own actions.

Lilacpink40 · 20/06/2016 23:56

So glad my PIL are now exPIL. So much of what OP and others have said is creepily familiar.

It's good to hear some DHs can support their perspective and partner's though. My STBXH was so weak, so be happy if your DH isn't!

TrickyD · 21/06/2016 06:39

Yes, so cancelling the holiday is the go-to fix

If that refers to my posts, ourblanche, when the OP had explained the nature of her weekend arrangement I agreed that it took preference. But don't let accuracy stand in the way of your comments.

Dozer · 21/06/2016 06:44

Urgh, how very Stately Homes of the in laws!

myownprivateidaho · 21/06/2016 06:48

Well ok it is pretty bad to cry etc. But if you've agreed to spend a weekend with someone then it is pretty bad to pull out too. They probably made arrangements etc and feel like they are unimportant to their ds. I wonder if he could have told them in a way that would have spared their feelings.

Dozer · 21/06/2016 06:53

Er, these parents have form for hystrionics. The H explained calmly a month before the relevant weekend, apologised and offered an alternative. Not his fault his parents are so difficult.

scaryteacher · 21/06/2016 07:06

I think that the 'conciliatory gesture' could consist of taking them out for a special meal, or booking them a weekend break in the country or something on those lines. I think you are batshit as well, or the pils!

I've just been back to the UK for a fortnight, booked a cottage in Devon for a week of that so we could see my Mum but not inconvenience her by asking her to put us up. She rang after we'd booked (and the leave couldn't be rearranged), and announced she would be away for the majority of the time I was there.

I was a bit disappointed that I wouldn't see her, but she had been invited to a special surprise event for old friends, and so off she went and had a great time. We had a great time even though we only saw her once. I didn't throw my toys out of the pram or have a melt down. People have lives of their own, and they can't always organise them around other people.

There is no need for a 'gesture' at all (other than a rude one imo). To 'conciliate' them is to validate their point of view and to enable their behaviour, which will get worse.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/06/2016 07:09

Booking them a weekend away is massive overkill. I think that would be rewarding their tantrum. It's disappointing, but a sincere apology, an offer to rearrange and covering any wasted costs is all that's required.

I'd second the suggestion of reducing contact and not thing it in with any of your special occasions. We've just had Father's Day so noes the time to consider booking to go away over Christmas or any intervening birthdays.

I think the inheritance is deeply unfair. If they're covering private school fees that could easily be £150,000+ to SIL on top of the general subsidising of her life style. Unless you're so rich you could buy your children a house when they reach their twenties, it's really not fair to them. Even though they could expect to inherit your house in due course and SIL's children won't get her rented place, hopefully your children won't get it until they're at least in their 60s so it will be too late to be much help.

pictish · 21/06/2016 08:26

I agree that a trip abroad does take precedence here, but considering that the whole situation was caused by the DH's stupidity, I think that the 'conciliatory gesture' could consist of taking them out for a special meal, or booking them a weekend break in the country or something on those lines.

I have heard it all now! A weekend break in the country! Shock Confused

Or you know, the parents could accept he made a mild and commonplace mistake over dates and get the fuck over it. Weekend break in the country, I ask you! Grin

cozietoesie · 21/06/2016 08:31

....People have lives of their own....

Unfortunately, some people don't, Scary. They live through their children/grandchildren etc.