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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be unreasonably upset over this

123 replies

PinkyIsTheBrain · 17/06/2016 23:27

Bit upset by what I see as dm's negativity. I want to go away this summer (I am 24, living at home but soon to move out) before starting new job. Nowhere expensive, Spain etc. Her response: "oh that's expensive". I have just graduated, I want to enjoy life until work starts! (I know she means well and she does have a point - I am intending to "borrow" the money out of some savings I hold and then pay it back upon starting work.) I just feel like she is ridiculously, relentlessly practical to the point of sucking the joy out of things. She doesn't really encourage holidays or "fun" things like living together with friends - she is more concerned about practicality eg living somewhere because it is good value. I am quite grown-up and mature but she is always so anxious about things and it's sad, I feel like she should be reminding me to enjoy my youth, within reason of course. She has always been a bit like this, focusing on the negative rather than the positive and I find it quite draining!

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2016 23:31

I get what you're saying but it doesn't sound like she's going to change.

Therefore, I think you should keep discussions about it to a minimum with her and chat to your friends instead, as they'll get excited with you/for you.

Have a great holiday and don't forget to bring us all back a stick of rock

Iflyaway · 17/06/2016 23:35

You're 24. An Adult now,

Ignore your mum and have a good time!

Parents and kids are meant to have different priorities. It's nature

Go and live your life!

Original poster

PinkyIsTheBrain · 17/06/2016 23:36

Thanks, you're right. Thing is, I barely end up talking to her when I'm at home cos I want to share the excitement/trepidation I feel about the future and I just can't, she's just not a heart-to-heart kind of person. Bit sad. I'd love to share things but we just can't see eye to eye. Even when I was younger, she didn't really look at my holiday snaps or ask what I had done. She's very involved in other things that I do so its not like she doesn't care but I think she just doesn't see it as important? Sometimes I find it really sad. I wish we had the kind of girly relationship that others have, talking about whether I fancy anyone (she'll warn me off them , where I want to go on holiday or live, what my plans are)... But she just always looks for the worst!

OP posts:

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 17/06/2016 23:38

I dunno. Where have the savings come from? If it's your own hard earned cash and you're contributing your keep she's a miserable so and so.

If you're living rent free and/or you're spending money given to you for another purpose then yabu.

Iflyaway · 17/06/2016 23:42

I have a friend that has basically given up her independent life to take care of her selfish, needy 24/7 mum, please don't..

We don't have children in order for them to take care of us!

Original poster

PinkyIsTheBrain · 17/06/2016 23:43

I'm living rent free, yes, very lucky. Historically I have lived off my own savings from work. But this year I was planning to use overdraft and/or borrow some money my parents have saved for me, then instantly replenish it when starting work. Have not done this before. I just feel like my DM is suspicious about it but does not actually ask questions. Pethaps I Abu.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2016 23:44

It sounds like that's just her personality. I understand how it must get you down, but I would cling onto this when she irritates you...She's very involved in other things that I do so its not like she doesn't care

That ^^ is very positive.

I have an aunt who is lovely, but seems more interested in negative things than positive things.

For example, if I said "I've just won 5 million on the lottery", her first response would be, "I heard of a lady who won the lottery and died of a heart attack when she found out"

Honestly, the only way me and my cousins can cope with that side of her, is to laugh affectionately about her strange ways

I will admit, it's still a work in progress though

Haudyerwheesht · 17/06/2016 23:53

Just let it wash over you. Remember though you have been living rent free - do you think it was a dig at that from her? Your relationship might improve once you're away.

Tbh My mum could be a bit like this with anything which wasn't 'safe' in her mind but now I have my own kids I do kind of get it.

You're 24 though you're not a teenager, once you move out you don't have to answer to Her but remember her concern is coming from a place of love.

Papergirl1968 · 18/06/2016 00:17

My dm was a bit like this when I was younger - very sensible, very cautious really - and it drove me mad. But I think we got on much better after I moved out, and now I am in my 40s and have children we are very close. I find her generation don't seem used to spending much money on themselves - her bedroom carpet is ancient and hidious but she won't change it because it's still in good condition!
I think having a girly relationship with your dm is not all it's cracked up to be, and I've sometimes heard people whose mums are younger and trendier in outlook wish they were more, well, mumsy. As you get older, your relationship may well improve.
I didn't go to uni but a friend who did splashed out on a holiday as a reward to herself for graduating before settling down to the hard slog of working, and it seemed like a good idea.
Enjoy it and have fun!

LifeInJeneral · 18/06/2016 00:24

I sympathise OP as I have a mother who is very similar and always looks at the negatives of every situation. It is very draining and unfortunately after this thing it will be the next thing. Even though you know they mean well it doesn't stop.it from being incredibly frustrating. My mum is so bad I couldn't bear to tell her I was pregnant because I knew she would be upset despite the fact I was 28, in a secure long term relationship and both of us were working with good jobs at the time. When I finally told her she couldn't speak to me for several weeks. Some people are very negative and as other people have pointed out it is just her personality. It will get easier when you move out as you have more control over how much of your life she sees but in the meantime I'd say do what makes you happy because life really is short and you could get thrown a curveball at any point.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 18/06/2016 00:28

But this year I was planning to use overdraft and/or borrow some money my parents have saved for me

I think you'll find this is why she is negative/annoyed/not supporting this idea. What you're planning is pretty irresponsible without a job already lined up and presumably this money is meant for something less frivaless than a holiday.

I'm afraid the fact you're 24 years old, jobless and planning to use an overdraft/dip into money your parents have saved for you rather than fund the jolly yourself is why I'm with your mum on this one.

What have you done about looking for work? If you've just graduated then you've missed the boat for September starts with grad schemes. Have you been proactive about looking for work? Because if you were not visibly looking for work but living rent free at my expense I'd be feeling pretty pissed off as your mother.

Original poster

PinkyIsTheBrain · 18/06/2016 00:35

I've got a job, MovingOn, sorry I thought I had said. It's a grad scheme and a pretty good starting salary. I can also get a loan of a few thousand when I start, which I am planning to save, but equally to use - few hundred from this to pay for my current hold.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkyIsTheBrain · 18/06/2016 00:35

Sorry that should say "use a few hundred from this to pay for my current hols"

OP posts:

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 18/06/2016 00:50

As you have a job lined up then I don't see why it should matter hugely to your mother. Unless the savings are for something specific and that's bothered her.

Some people are just a little joyless or (a little more reasonably) they have worries about being in unnuecessary debt. I tend towards the latter and did baulk at the bit in your last post about saving a loan because it rarely makes economic sense BUT I don't know the details and tbh it's none of my business. It's not my money and if you're responsible enough for a loan your responsible enough to make your own decisions!

If she's otherwise a good mum I'd forgive her this one irritating character flaw. While allowing myself a moan or two about it :)

Original poster

PinkyIsTheBrain · 18/06/2016 00:55

Haha no thanks for the advice MovingOn I do genuinely appreciate it

Haven't explained properly, my fault, it's an interest-free loan and as I understand it most people take the full amount out. It will then be deducted from my salary for the next couple of years. Intention is to stick it in a savings account or ISA for a couple of years, fingers crossed all goes with the job now

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkyIsTheBrain · 18/06/2016 00:57

Fingers crossed all goes well with the job now, that should say!

Don't want to count my chickens but just to show that I do have a few back-up plans in place and not just spending without thinking!

OP posts:

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 18/06/2016 01:01

Good luck with the job

Enjoy your time off too.

Mycatsabastard · 18/06/2016 01:09

Have a great holiday. My oldest just finished A levels and has volunteered with a charity as a family helper on a trip to Florida later this year. It's costing £1200 but I think she needs that experience before heading off to uni for three years.

Go and have fun, life is too short.

DeathStare · 18/06/2016 04:15

Imagine your mum posting on here:

My DD has just finished uni and is waiting to start a job. In the mean time she is doing nothing to earn money and living with us rent free, while we work to make sure that there is food in the fridge for all of us. We've also worked very hard over the years to save up a small lump sum for her towards a place of her own or to see her through rainy days. Her plan seems to be to spend the summer doing nothing but holidaying and enjoying life, while we put a roof over her head and food on the table. She also plans to use the hard earned savings we put aside for her to go holidaying abroad saying she will put the money back later by taking out a loan. When I try to talk to her about this she says that I'm being negative with her and that she should just be able to enjoy her youth.

I really can't believe anyone would tell your DM she was being unreasonable (though no doubt somebody would surprise me)

joellevandyne · 18/06/2016 04:53

Exactly, DeathStare!

OP, at first I felt your mum was being a bit of a wet blanket, but now that all the details have come out, I think her reservations are more than fair!

Clandestino · 18/06/2016 04:53

This. And use overdraft too. Look, it's your life and your money. Move out, then you won't have to listen to your responsible and very sensible Mum that old grumpy joyless spoilsport.

PitilessYank · 18/06/2016 05:09

I want to add that in addition to the factors that other people mentioned, perhaps your mom is a teeny bit jealous of where you are in life-starting out fresh?

branofthemist · 18/06/2016 06:31

I have to agree with deathstare

RhiWrites · 18/06/2016 06:54

I'm really sorry because I think it's lovely to have a holiday but I also think your parents are letting you live there rent free so you can save, not so you can go on jollies. It's not your own savings you want to spend but money they saved for you.

fuckincuntbuggerinarse · 18/06/2016 06:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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