To be unreasonably upset over this

[PinkyIsTheBrain]

Bit upset by what I see as dm's negativity. I want to go away this summer (I am 24, living at home but soon to move out) before starting new job. Nowhere expensive, Spain etc. Her response: "oh that's expensive". I have just graduated, I want to enjoy life until work starts! (I know she means well and she does have a point - I am intending to "borrow" the money out of some savings I hold and then pay it back upon starting work.) I just feel like she is ridiculously, relentlessly practical to the point of sucking the joy out of things. She doesn't really encourage holidays or "fun" things like living together with friends - she is more concerned about practicality eg living somewhere because it is good value. I am quite grown-up and mature but she is always so anxious about things and it's sad, I feel like she should be reminding me to enjoy my youth, within reason of course. She has always been a bit like this, focusing on the negative rather than the positive and I find it quite draining!

You're living rent free yet can afford a holiday. Perhaps your mother is pissed that she can't afford luxuries as she's subsidising you?

Your financial approach appears to be 1) Spend it, 2) Borrow it then 3) Earn it. Your mother's might well be 1) Earn it, 2) Spend it and hopefully 3) Save some of it. She's showing considerable self-control by restricting her comments to "that's expensive" IMO!

I don't think YABU. If you were my daughter I'd probably pay for your holiday, as my dps have in the past. I moved out at 24 but between finishing uni at 21 and then I only paid £80 a month board which was given back to me when I bought my house. Unlike a lot of mumsnetters I don't believe young adults living at home should be paying rent although if you're working a token contribution should be offered.

Book your holiday! I went all over the world in my 20s, probably spending money I could have saved but I don't regret for a second. Life is too short! You sound sensible and should enjoy life!

My situation when I graduated was a lot like yours OP. (So much so I wonder if you are joining my firm!)

I had two holidays after graduation, Florida and India. On a credit card, paid back from graduate loan.

I don't regret it in any way. After 4 long years at uni it was so good to have a good break before the intensity of full time graduate work started.

I hope you have an awesome trip!

Don't worry about your mum OP. You're 24, you should go and enjoy yourself because soon you'll be in a grown up job, with a mortgage and responsibilities and won't be able to take off to Spain for a few weeks. You're an adult, your mum is an adult and you don't need to see eye to eye. Life is too short to worry about only making the 'responsible' decisions. You'll regret the things you didn't do far more than the things you did. You've got a good job lined up and a money plan. Go enjoy your life!!!!!

Go ahead and enjoy your holiday. I'm sure your mum means well but she's worried about you and your finances. She probably doesn't realise how negative she is!

Do you have any other debts or loans?

Perhaps your mother sees that money as a deposit on a flat/house and not to be spent to pay for things, you can't afford.

I don't understand taking out a loan to 'save it'.

But I expect that's because I'm old.

ahh sod it, life is too short.

saving is good. saving strictly for something is good. saving strictly and never spending it is not so good.

go and enjoy your holiday. enjoy the stages of life as they come. (says me grumpily getting up with children far too early for a saturday to take them to an event at school)

Hi OP, sound like your mother has got into the habit of being a worrier and is overly cautious. Perhaps there is an element of jealousy, wishing she had had those sort of fun opportunities before settling into a job/family? A little inward frustration, perhaps?

I look an extremely 'brave' holiday in a developing country at 18, alone, for 2 months. My parents were encouraging but not excited. My mother told me she was scared shitless about the trip when I got back, and that she was very cross and anxious about it. I was pissed off she said this at all but now being a mother realise how hard it was to suppress her worry until I got back, I would have felt exactly the same if I were her.

I think she is just wanting you to be set up and secure, wanting to feel that your future is watertight and she's just lost a little perspective. Let it roll off you, tell her you understand her concerns but explain how you are balancing a happy joyful life with your career plans.

Congratulations on the job and have a wonderful trip!

Op you sound very responsible. You've gone out and got a job that's obviously high level, given the perks of the interest-free loan, etc. You've also clearly done well academically, as those graduate jobs are incredibly difficult to get. Most families don't charge rent until the children leave university. I certainly wouldn't. You definitely deserve a holiday. Once you start work, your leave will be at a premium, so make the most of it now.
Sorry your mum is so negative. Mine was like this. I'm really sorry but I think it's partly jealousy. She can bear to see you doing well academically and getting a good job, but when it comes to fun things like holidays and boyfriends, she becomes really negative. Don't let her control you like this. You're not being selfish wanting some fun things to balance out the hard work you put in. Enjoy that holiday, it's none of her business. You won't look back and think: gosh I wish I'd saved that money, you'll be glad you had some fun.

I'm afraid that I have some sympathy for the mum too, probably because we have been there too, but with a very different child.

We allowed our child to live with us rent free after uni even though they had an ok job, so that they could save and move out and also look for a better job. We did this because we knew that they wouldn't take advantage and they didn't. They saved like mad and soon had enough for a deposit, bought a small car and managed to find a much better job. I would have been a bit upset if they spent all of that on a flash holiday. Especially as supporting them meant that we couldn't have a nice holiday too.

Just a thought.

Just seen that it isn't a flash holiday, so apologies for that.

I'm with death stare too.you live rent free and your parents have saved money for you, but you expect to be treated like an adult?? If you're living off your parents, then they do gave a say in how you spend their money. Stop being selfish and pay something towards your upkeep - money doesn't grow on trees.

There is also an element of "robbing Peter to pay Paul" about your future plans and perhaps your mum worries about that too. Does taking out this loan from your employer and paying it back out of wages mean that you won't be able to afford to leave home? Will you be living with your mum and paying her some money when you start work?

You will spend the rest of your life in the rat race. I will encourage my children to live a little within reason while they are young. In fact I'd be saying go for longer than the normal two weeks. Make the most of your free time whilst you have it. You'll probably never have such a huge chunk of free time again.

Do what you want to do but don't be too hard on your mum for thinking as she does. People have different priorities and if you don't value holidays then it's sometimes hard to see why others do. You know she has your best interests at heart though.

I don't think YABU.
If dm is happy for you to live rent free then its not reaaaaaaaally up to her how you do spend your money. I can however understand why she would be a bit annoyed that you are using the money they saved for you to pay for a holiday rather than a car or towards your own home (which is possibly what it was meant for).

Totally sympathise with you about having a negative fun sucker for a parent. Although the op doesn't sound too extreme I'm sure it's just one of many negative reactions towards your life choices, which can be exhausting to deal with. My dm couldn't even congratulate my pregnancy without a long list of pointless worries, negativity and concerned faces...

I used to be like you and am now like your mum! I wish I were more carefree still...well, averagely carefree. Go to Spain.

My parents were very generous with me, but I always hated that they would pay for specific things, instead of giving me the money and letting me decide on what to spend it. I felt that they didn't trust me. Your parents are similarly subsidising your life (congratulations on the grad scheme job) and have saved to give you a sum. They have trusted you, by giving you the money and letting you decide on what you will spend their hard earned savings.

Give your mother a break if she can't, or doesn't want to, join your enthusiasm for spending her savings on a holiday before you have even started work.

Why not make it a working holiday? I think you YANBU to want to go but YABU to expect your parents will lend you the money they've saved for you. They probably are doing it for a deposit and fair enough if she doesn't think the trip is a good reason to use it for. Also, they are letting you live with them rent-free so it's not even money they are saving from that.

Holidays are a privilege, not a right. Don't spend money you dont have (right now) just to go on a holiday. Wait until you're earning and able to make a contribution to your household!

Time and money are very difficult to have spare at the same time. You sound sensible and have worked this out in the big picture. Enjoy the holiday.

Adulthood can turn into a grind of one thing then another. We could always look ahead to the next thing to save for and never enjoy quality of life along the way.

Some people are relentlessly negative. I had some major underlying issues with my mother, but the greatest damage to our relationship has been the drip, drip of negativity in between that's made the big stuff unmanagable. Hopefully your relationship isn't like that.

A parent and child relationship changes as the child becomes an adult. It should become more of a trusted friendship of equals rather than continue to be about control. Some parents struggle to adjust to that change of role.

You're 24 - definitely time to move out now. There is nothing to stop you if you're about to start a new job anyway - apart from money. If it's your savings that you have control of, then you're not borrowing and you can do what you like with it. Moving out is the answer and be independent. You can't have it both ways - if you rely on your parents financially, as you do at the moment by living at home rent free, they will inevitably lecture you regarding how you conduct your spending. Not many parents will encourage you to indulge on a holiday if you are basically unemployed and they are subsidising you (which they are doing because they are supportive parents!) So, don't be ungrateful but you need to move out now!

Thanks all. I'm baulking a bit at the idea in very irresponsible or selfish even as has been suggested upthread. I have worked throughout university and this is my last summer of freedom - I certainly don't wish to get a job before starting a very long hours graduate scheme, that would be pointless. All I intended to do was borrow a few hundred either on credit card/overdraft or savings and then immediately pay them back when I receive my first pay cheque.

I can definitely afford to move out, those who spoke about this above, as my job is very far away from the family home so this is not even really an option.

Thanks for the advice, can absolutely see both sides. My mum is very comfortably off though and while generous, I have never, ever asked directly for money. Have had a job since I was 16!

The question is - if you don't think you can afford to move out before you start your new job, I would question whether you can actually afford to go on holiday. I would be too. Ultimately, you don't appear to be financially independent yet so any negative comments from your parents go with the territory. Move out so they can scrutinise your life less. Parental approval/disapproval will always be there. You'll learn to share less and physical distance helps!