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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be unreasonably upset over this

123 replies

PinkyIsTheBrain · 17/06/2016 23:27

Bit upset by what I see as dm's negativity. I want to go away this summer (I am 24, living at home but soon to move out) before starting new job. Nowhere expensive, Spain etc. Her response: "oh that's expensive". I have just graduated, I want to enjoy life until work starts! (I know she means well and she does have a point - I am intending to "borrow" the money out of some savings I hold and then pay it back upon starting work.) I just feel like she is ridiculously, relentlessly practical to the point of sucking the joy out of things. She doesn't really encourage holidays or "fun" things like living together with friends - she is more concerned about practicality eg living somewhere because it is good value. I am quite grown-up and mature but she is always so anxious about things and it's sad, I feel like she should be reminding me to enjoy my youth, within reason of course. She has always been a bit like this, focusing on the negative rather than the positive and I find it quite draining!

OP posts:

trafalgargal · 19/06/2016 13:22

I'm not sure anyone is been mean.

I do think that as the OP has never properly lived away from home before (uni doesn't really count ) and has never had to deal with issues like household bills alongside other unknown expenses like the social side of work and expectations she will be able to afford to join in everything.

This money appears to be for setting her up in this transition or that was the intention....but at 24 the money is in her name so her Mum is choosing not to get into any kind of discussion over it .

My concern as a Mum would be that she's not going to see any money from her job until she has worked at least four weeks possibly six -be it salary or loan so it's not just the cost of holiday and spending money but all her moving,and getting started costs too. It's not just a few hundred out of that fund to be replaced -

The OP is an adult and appears quite self focused so she's going to do what she wants regardless. She isn't bothered her Mum will stop her- because she can't- Her concern is that her Mum isn't getting excited for her (but the OP never has an interest in what Mum does so maybe Mum is just tired of the one way dynamic and thinks she has paid for the holiday- why should she need to get excited by it too especially when she implied it's a needless extravagance in her mind.)

If I'd given my adult child money without restriction because I trusted them to use it sensibly and they were going to use it for something different that I felt they could have waited for or worked the summer to pay for instead as it wasn't an essential - I'd be hard put to produce girly excitement too when I was feeling t disappointed in their poor choices.

clarkl2 · 19/06/2016 17:27

if its your savings get it booked. however if it is money she has saved i think she has a right to be cautious about you blowing it on a holiday.
if its your savings get it booked. if not get a job and get booking

YokoUhOh · 19/06/2016 17:56

OP is being really sensible. The interest free loans these companies give out are intended to cover start-up costs, but it sounds like OP has accounted for that and is putting the loan in a high interest account. My brother did the same with his (big 4 accountancy firm), as did his mates. Would you really refuse an interest-free loan that you'd make money on? Really?

There are lots of people on here getting relatively self-righteous about a total non-issue. If OP's mum was hard-up, she'd've charged rent.

Enjoy your holiday OP

Greenyogagirl · 19/06/2016 18:07

My mum kicked me out at 16 after charging me rent for 4 years.
Your mums entitled to an opinion especially since youre her child in her house. Grow up.

redstararnie76 · 19/06/2016 18:12

You really are getting a bit of a hard time here.

I can sort of see both sides; if I was your mum, interest-free loan or not I would feel a little nervous that you were spending money that you haven't yet earned. I say that as another one who overspent in their 20s on leaving home, despite having a good job and ended off with debts that lasted for years. Personally, while I understand the temptation of a 'last fling' for summer, I would think about how you will feel a few months into your job when you will really feel like you've 'earnt' a holiday - and better still, as it won't be school holidays there will be lots of affordable bargains on offer!
Good luck whatever you choose.

clarkl2 · 19/06/2016 18:14

having read through this....

you have a job
you are using an interest free loan to fund holiday ... FILL YOUR BOOTS PET x

prettywhiteguitar · 19/06/2016 18:15

Wow what a bunch of joyless bastards !

Op my mum is a negative life sucker, actually so is dh's but mine really takes the trophy, she once advised me and dh once when we were going to a gallery and a bit of shopping that the city was closed and she didn't know why we were bothering (the city was having the pavements replaced and a bit if a refurb)

We told dh's mum about a fantastic new job which was going to change our lives and make life so much easier, her first response was "oh dear, won't you have to move house ?"..... We were like yeah but this is great!!!

They just can't feel the joy, it gets easier when you have a dh who you can talk about them with.

clarkl2 · 19/06/2016 18:31

totally agree!

murmuration · 19/06/2016 18:32

Your Mum sounds like mine, pinky. She endlessly criticises the 'non-practical' choices of others. Her sister is her favourite - she shouldn't have gone on X holiday; she shouldn't have bought Y car; etc. These are women in their mid-70's. She's not going to change. If your Mum has always been like this, wanting her to get excited about your travels is a lost cause.

I think your plan sounds fine - I am a bit jealous, as I don't see a chance to get a break like that until I'm retired! But that's more the reason to take it now, while you can.

I suspect the non-practicality of it, rather than the subsidising your current living costs issue of it, is her issue. If it was, I imagined she'd have said?

clarkl2 · 19/06/2016 18:33

so your mum was charging you rent from 12 ... what were you paying her with? pick and mix?

Tootsieglitterballs · 19/06/2016 18:34

Sounds like my mum (there's a post somewhere...) - I realised the hard way that really I should just live my life how I want to, not always seek her approval, and that basically meant not telling her everything that was going on in my life, sparring certain details etc. It was hard, but our relationship is better for it.
I think mine forgets she was young once, and was very carefree! I'm a wife and mother now, and it's taken me until this year to realise it.
Go on holiday, enjoy it, bring her a pressie back. Your 24! Enjoy it while you can.

NerrSnerr · 19/06/2016 18:49

It is fair enough all the people saying go and enjoy your holiday. I do agree, but move out first. You're costing your mum money by living with her and I assume she's letting you live rent free so you can save to help you move into your own house.

You're not upset enough to give up all the help she's giving you!!

prettywhiteguitar · 19/06/2016 19:12

Yeah I have to say after 17 I never lived at home, couldn't stand the negativity

trafalgargal · 19/06/2016 19:13

However no one has told the OP how to make her Mum be interested and excited in her holiday plans which is what she asked for (some people have tried to explain why her Mum isn't and others have said ....continue to live rent free with her and go on holiday anyway (which the OP fully intended to do anyway)

I don't really get why a 24 year old needs Mum to be excited about a cheap couple of weeks away especially when as the OP describes her as very well off they've probably had far more exciting holidays in the past. OP your friends are the ones to get excited with when you're an adult.....not your Mum who has her own life and her own excitements now you are an adult. She doesn't need to live her life vicariously through you ......she has her own.

PurpleRainDiamondsandPearls · 19/06/2016 20:05

I can see both sides to be honest. I don't think you see your mum's point of view at all which sounds like part of the problem. That said, I think you should go ahead and enjoy your holiday. You've done really well by securing a job and should celebrate.

SooBee61 · 19/06/2016 20:16

My mum was like that too - always seeing the drawbacks to a situation. I try hard not to be the same! I put it down to her being a child in WW2 which was unsettling to say the least. Though your mother would be far too young for that to apply. She's just concerned for you and your safety and may just have an anxious personality.

johnwinstonlennon · 19/06/2016 23:01

ffs people!!! I wince when you mention "rent free" regarding a child -24 is still a child of sorts- still living with her parents. she's been studying at university, not smoking dope with friends in her bedroom at the family home. and holidays in Spain? how much can that cost? surely she deserves them after graduating.

Greenyogagirl · 20/06/2016 07:46

Clarkl2 no from my 2.50 an hour wages from the job I had to get to pay rent.
Tbf I'm just jealous of op!

Originalfoogirl · 20/06/2016 11:52

If dm is happy for you to live rent free then its not reaaaaaaaally up to her how you do spend your money.

Not exactly. We borrowed some money from my mum to pay for an unexpected tax bill, we promised to pay her back over a period of time but she said no, it's fine, just pay it back when you can.

I guarantee, if we had swanned off on a holiday and had talked excitedly to her about it before hand, she would not have taken the view that we've had it tough and deserved the holiday so should go and enjoy it, and been all excited for us. She wouldn't have said as much but it would have pissed her off that we could be so disrespectful of her generosity. She definitely would have sounded negative about it and I don't blame her.

We paid her off when we said we would, and then we saved for a trip away. That's the grown up thing to do.

Jaxhog · 20/06/2016 12:45

Definitely a teeny bit irresponsible. You are young, waiting until you've saved your own money for a holiday is the responsible thing to do. Also disturbed by your rather casual comment about getting a loan. Not the best way to start out.

When did your mum last have a holiday? She's funding your board and lodging - maybe this means she can't have a holiday, while you freeload.

Jaxhog · 20/06/2016 12:49

I would also add. When you're paying your own way, then you can decide whether you want a holiday or not. If you live at home, rent free, expect to do it her way. Her house, her rules.

BipBippadotta · 20/06/2016 13:27

My impression is that the OP was not asking 'am I being unreasonable in having a holiday with borrowed money before I'm earning', she was asking 'am I unreasonable to be upset that my mother isn't excited about my holiday and encouraging me to be young and carefree?'

As I understand it the OP fully intends to go on holiday whatever happens, so there's no point (to her) in discussing the ethics / economics of that decision.

What I do think is unreasonable is to expect others to be as excited for you as you are for yourself. I think this is a common expectation among people who grew up with social media, are accustomed to instant avalanches of positive feedback, and 'you deserve it!' any time they spend money. There's also a tendency to experience people with different values / priorities / enthusiasms from theirs as being 'negative' (and therefore a joyless drain whose point of view is automatically invalidated by their 'attitude'). Also a lot of dependency on soliciting responses from others - - the holiday doesn't mean as much if everyone else isn't validating it with their approval / excitement / jealousy.

The grown up thing would be to say 'I'm going on holiday. I acknowledge I am using money my parents saved for me (possibly intended for a different purpose) in order to do so. I accept that it is my mother's right to disapprove, and that I do not get to dictate how other people feel about the decisions I make. If I go on holiday and she feels this is selfish or irresponsible, that is just something I will have to live with, and I don't get to sulk about it - because ultimately I'm getting my own way.'

hawklady · 20/06/2016 17:47

Go away and have fun! My parents and I are not even on the same planet. I have to and stay with them when working in the city. My dad always sees the worst case scenario in everything. When I wanted to get on the property ladder he warded me off. It took me years to establish myself and catch up with my peers. Don't let negativity stand in your way.

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