To be unreasonably upset over this

[PinkyIsTheBrain]

Bit upset by what I see as dm's negativity. I want to go away this summer (I am 24, living at home but soon to move out) before starting new job. Nowhere expensive, Spain etc. Her response: "oh that's expensive". I have just graduated, I want to enjoy life until work starts! (I know she means well and she does have a point - I am intending to "borrow" the money out of some savings I hold and then pay it back upon starting work.) I just feel like she is ridiculously, relentlessly practical to the point of sucking the joy out of things. She doesn't really encourage holidays or "fun" things like living together with friends - she is more concerned about practicality eg living somewhere because it is good value. I am quite grown-up and mature but she is always so anxious about things and it's sad, I feel like she should be reminding me to enjoy my youth, within reason of course. She has always been a bit like this, focusing on the negative rather than the positive and I find it quite draining!

Ok in the interests of full disclosure.

I started a pt time job at 16 and did not receive an allowance from my parents, nor did I expect to receive one. Did very well at school. Got a gap year job with good pay and saved a few thousand pounds before uni. Essentially supported myself at uni, paid for nice holidays in summer whilst working throughout summer breaks. My degree was longer than the norm. I have been living at home since graduating; very kind of my parents yes. But I have had a tough last few months and it would be nice if DM could be supportive. She is very, very well off. I really don't take the piss so I resent the implication I am/have been. This is the longest period of my life I haven't been in employment ie a couple of months in between graduating and job. I am working freelance as I mentioned upthread.

Thanks loobie will absolutely have a look xx

'But I have had a tough last few months and it would be nice if DM could be supportive.'

She is. You're living there rent free, she's put money aside for you. Her being well-off has nothing to do with it. You sound incredibly immature. All this 'it's been tough, I deserve a holiday' doesn't bode well for adult life. It's usually tough for most people, but the answer to financial well-being isn't using overdrafts or credits to go on holiday.

TBH, I hope my own daughter is more mature and sensible when she reaches that age. I'll feel I failed her if she is still seeing life like this when she's 24.

'I understand why your Mum isn't engaging with you over the holiday - she has clearly decided you are going to do whatever you want to do so there's no point in discussing the obvious flaws in your "plan"'

Pretty much.

Oh, and living with friends, yeah, it's really fun when you find out all their undesirable habits, they don't clean up, they move in their boyfriend/girlfriend who doesn't pay rent and eats all the food, they stiff you on the bills/pay up late.

Expat. That's not fair. You are deliberately refusing to understand the point of my thread. Anyway doesn't matter. Oh and out of interest where did I say she had put money aside for me?!

Do you know how hard I have had to work to get my degree whilst working at the same time as securing a well-paying graduate job? And yet you would "think you'd failed" if I was your daughter?! That's incredibly offensive.

Honestly I'm not having a go but from the other perspective -your mother allowed you to live at home rent free until you went to uni including when you were working to enable you to save for uni. You've now finished your exams and felt like you deserved a rest so have done little work (although maybe also you saw no need as you know you have a graduate loan and regular wage in the autumn._

When you say "essentially supported" yourself through uni- Does this mean you were away from home paying your own rent -or that your parents also helped you out financially with rent or whatever ?

Whether your Mum is "very well off" or not probably isn't her issue . She probably sees friends kids who are the same age as you established in good graduate jobs with three years in work so progressing with their careers and she has a daughter who is still living the student lifestyle - expecting to be housed and fed and now wants to borrow money before she has earned it. It sounds like she has being very supportative of you for years despite the fact you don't show any interest in any of the things that are important to her in her life. So - you're an adult living in her house, making your own choices - why do you need her to be supportive -Aren't you giving her the message that you are an adult and have very different life choices to hers. If you aren't interested in any of the stuff that she does (and there's no reason you should be) then why should she be that interested in yours ? Doesn't that work both ways ?

Maybe this last summer of freedom you've spent little time with her and indeed little time as a family member and more of a lodger- not participating as Mother and Child but more like two adults sharing living space -not helping with family stuff like shopping and cleaning or even just taking Mum out to lunch now and again or asking about stuff she does . Is she just mirroring your attitude ? Once you leave home -going back is always a bit odd because you aren't a child anymore and the dynamics are different. Doesn't mean you don't care about each other but you are adults in the same house so Mum doesn't need to be invested in every single thing you do (and you;d probably hate it if she was)

She might be miffed you haven't worked for a holiday this year (as you have done in previous years) and her lack of interest might be because she thinks you are taking her for granted and assuming you can use the money set aside to set you up after uni when she'd have rather you discussed using it that way and how you plan to replenish that account.
You feel you aren't taking the piss but are you really sure she isn't seeing it that way and a decent chat might help you both see the other's view.

At 24 do you really need her to be "supportive" over your holiday plans -if you do maybe you are a bit too dependent and she's deliberately distancing herself. Take her out for a nice lunch and talk to her - clear the air before you move away. How you are seeing her actions and how she sees them might be an eyeopener for both of you !! Maybe you are both assuming things that aren't really that way.

(I still think you should wait for the holiday though ;) July and August always has millions of kids everywhere

You are definitely getting a hard time here Op and people are being very offensive to you.

You've graduated after studying for a long degree ( plus working at the same time) and managed to secure a good graduate job. Well done you.

Go and have some fun - you deserve it.

You don't mention your Father. What does he think?

Oh and if you think studying for a degree and working 40 hours a week is tough try doing it as a single parent with an autistic child and NO lovely long holidays off from work or child rearing - You really, really don't have it that tough :)

'Do you know how hard I have had to work to get my degree whilst working at the same time as securing a well-paying graduate job? And yet you would "think you'd failed" if I was your daughter?! That's incredibly offensive.'

Of course not! No one has ever before worked full-time whilst doing a degree full-time, too. Never, in all the history. I was handed everything on a platter, me. Never had to work and go to uni. OMG, what a hardship my life was, having to do that! I was even expected to pay rent and bills once I graduated!

My poor sister, she taught full-time, went to uni to get her master's full-time, had two kids and a chronic medical condition into the bargain. The universe surely owed her a holiday on credit when she finished.

Yep, I'd think I failed if you were my daughter. By your age I was married, working in a well-paid job for 2 years, doing my legal executive/paralegal course whilst working that job (night course), saving up for a deposit on a house with my husband and oh, yeah, we went on holiday, too. After saving up our money, not going into debt or getting loans to do so.

You talk like your life is akin to having stepped off an over-loaded dinghy you got into debt to pay some people trafficker to smuggle you on to get away from being bombed out of existence. Actually, not, because those people are sadly far more mature.

Aw, it's so unfair and offensive, this life. Sobs.

Jesus Christ.

'm sure Thomson are still recruiting on 18-30 my friends daughter was on about it the other day but could be wrong x just a thought anyway!

Ijust saw the 18-30 part - Yes by this time of year so many 18-30 reps have quit they do need more......a 20 hour day dealing with drunks and the ensuring fallout as well as a full schedule of daily trips, drinking games and booze cruises tends to break all but the toughest .....It really really isn't any kind of working holiday more like an endless marathon.

I think, OP, that you may need to accept that not everyone's heart is going to bleed for you here. By your own admission, you have a well paying job lined up, you're living rent-free with parents who are very well off, you're planning a holiday. Sounds pretty good to me.

Your mother is not standing in the way of your plans, she's simply not squealing with excitement, as in your shoes she would make different choices. You may see her attitude as 'negative', she may see it as prudent, possibly acquired through a life spent working quite hard for what she has. You disagree. That's all. You've made it clear that you know it's your life (/overdraft) and your right to do with it what you like. So get on with it, I'd say, and don't expect cheerleading. Part of adult life is learning that not everyone will be as super excited as you are about the choices you make.

Thanks BipBipadotta that's a nice thing to say and yes I do agree. Thanks.

Agree with deathstare and expat. You're 24, your parents have supported you in a number of ways (allowing you to live with them rent-free, saving money for you). Choosing to go on a holiday you can't currently afford doesn't sound very wise to me.

I totally agree with you. Enjoy your summer and holidays. What a load of grumpy boots on this thread. Sounds like you have a successful career ahead.

Just because she doesn't have the money RIGHT this second doesn't mean it's irresponsible spending 😕 It's perfectly legitimate to "borrow" some of your savings to spend on something you will be able to afford to replace in a couple of months.
Some of the responses here are completely bizarre. do you all think the op is stupid?! It's as if she might take the interest free loan, spend it and then go "oh I forget I'd have to actually repay it "

Have you offered to contribute to the house to your mum op? Might be worth offering some shopping / board money if you haven't.

I have a similar relationship with my mum - my wedding was really sad, she just wasn't bothered. Didn't want to help me pick flowers, talk about anything, come to see anywhere. It made me feel quite alone as my dad is dead, so I do understand. The mumsnet consensus would be that weddings are boring and IABU but in the real world the brides mum would usually be interested!
My tip is: stop telling her things and expecting a response you won't get. It's just not worth it and it won't change so why upset yourself? Some people just can't give us what we want from them. Oh and enjoy your holiday and ignore the roasting on here!

YABU to be "unreasonably upset", as your title suggests, that your mother isn't more supportive of you spending money "frivolously" (as she sees it).

You're both individual people, she's your mother and she's worried about you, you're young and want to have fun. You're always going to differ so it's better that you listen to her concerns (they are meant with the best intentions) and then ignore or apply as needed.

Ultimately your life choices are your choices. You are the one who will be living with the consequences of those choices (good or bad). So being upset because someone doesn't agree with your choices is pointless (as is being upset when the OP doesn't take advice from posters about those choices).

Have fun on your holiday and be safe!

Omg there's some real projection going on here. Maybe people who feel life hasn't dealt them the best hand? Blimey, going on holiday when you've got a job lined up is hardly indicative of immaturity. It IS hard work, working and studying. There are always people who've got it harder but that's nothing to do with your situation OP, and making such comparisons is just . I'm much older than you OP, but still remember what it's like to finish studying and want a short break before working, probably very hard for many years. Just have a good time and best of luck in the new job.

Op, you did not tell us the info that wd put us on your mum' side until asked . I wd not oppose your plan for my dd in sim circums, but feel uneasy with your "edited" and still not full info e.g. What were your parents saving the money for?

Op you never did tell me if you had any debts. I'm assuming not. And if so at 24, you're doing a lot better than many mid 20's graduates. Have a nice holiday and try not to spend too much. The cash your DM has saved for you however, would be well spent on something better than a holiday. As for the people on this thread giving you a hard time, that's their lives. You're following a different path.

I had a similar relationship with my mum before I moved out too, though I left at 21. She was negative and overly concerned about my spending, with good reason apparently as, thanks to a similarly cavalier attitude to borrowing as yours, I've just set up a debt repayment plan with Step Change to clear the £13k(!) I've racked up in the past five years. It started out the same way but then I got stuck in a cycle of borrowing to pay off debts, then the minimum payments grew bigger and bigger until I was basically living off credit cards and taking bail-outs from my mum at 26 while working full time and not seeing a penny of the £21k I earn. I'll be debt free in 4.5 years and I'll have a default on my credit file until I'm 32, so no chance of getting a mortgage until well after that.

Holidays are nice luxuries - when you can afford them outright.

OP, do you have a flat lined up already for when you start your job? Do you know what your rent and bill payments will be like? I'm only asking because I have quite a few friends who work in finance (PE, investment banking), and even with their high salaries, depending on where you will be living, bills can still be very high. That's why the company gives you a loan in the first place - because moving, furnishing a flat (even if it comes with furniture you still may need to buy some things), buying a work wardrobe, etc can all be very expensive if you're paying for it all at once. Not to mention transport costs. Although if you are working long hours you will want to live close to work which means higher rents. There's also a lot of after work socialising, especially with graduate schemes, so your salary may not go as far as you think it will. Just something to think about.

my first thought, on remembering my 24 year old self, was Yes, you go for it.
You are an adult.

then I read deathstare's post, saw the other point of view, and can see both sides.

But It really is up to you. It is understandable perhaps of your mother to be cautious. she probably didnt get to be so Well Off by being a spendthrift?

although when you do start work, you are allowed holidays? so you can have a holiday in say october or february?

but really, at 24 years old it is totally your decision.

I can't believe the bashing the poor op has had. I think there is a lot if jealousy going on.
You are young op. You've strived all your life to get where you are now. Well done. You have it all sorted for the future and you know your finances will be ok. Why not take this opportunity for a well earned break. You won't get another one for a long time.
Yes your mum has let you live rent free. Isn't that what all nice parents do for their student children if they can afford it?
You choices might not be her choices but you've got your head screwed on op.
Go for it. The working holiday sounds even better fun.

And investing the interest free loan for a higher return, until you need it for a house deposit, sounds prudent to me.

And I'm constantly being amazed by people's attitudes on Mumsnet. This is one of these times. The op isn't a reckless spendthrift. Do people have such miserable lives that they begrudge a hardworking girl a bit of fun when she can easily afford it?
It's her mums choice to let her live rent free. She shouldn't be on her knees in gratitude, not having any fun, in order to show her gratitude properly.