Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to go on holiday with the in laws?

106 replies

laidbackneko · 16/06/2016 13:37

DP's parents have a annual tradition of going to a particular holiday destination since DP was born.

When DP and I got together four years ago, I was invited to join them and for a couple of years this became our annual holiday destination too.

However, last year I decided to go somewhere different as I only get one good stretch of holiday time a year and I wanted to experience new and different parts of the world.

This caused a lot of tension in DP's family and they were very displeased with me. After a lot of hoo-ha, DP decided to go on holiday with his parents again instead of joining me.

I'm pretty independent so I didn't mind going alone and had a brilliant time.

The same problem has come up again this year.

DP has decided though, this time, to come with me. And his parents are very upset.

I really don't want to cause problems between DP and his parents. And it's definitely not a case of rejecting their company which I have tried to explain - we visit them several times a year and telephone regularly. It's just that I don't want to go on the same holiday every year. And now neither does DP.

I'm being accused of being divisive and splitting the family unit up.

And while I understand that it's an unwelcome change to a long established family tradition, I also think it's a bit unreasonable of DP's parents to dictate our holidays.

Who is BU and WWYD?

OP posts:
CatThiefKeith · 16/06/2016 13:41

YANBU.

I have tried family holidays, with my own parents and inlaws, and would never do it again. Nuh uh, no way.

Besides, your dp is a grown up now, it is entirely normal that he would want to spend his holidays with you.

Cunties · 16/06/2016 13:43

Oh dear oh dear. You will be made to SUFFER Grin

ShanghaiDiva · 16/06/2016 13:43

Don't blame you, I wouldn't want to go to the same place on holiday every year either.
YANBU - just go.
How old is your DP?

RaspberryOverload · 16/06/2016 13:45

YANBU

Your ILs should have recognised that their son is now an adult, with a DP, and that it's not fair to expect any partner to their son to just blindly go along with this.

No way are you splitting up the family just because you don't want to go on holiday with them to the same place every year.

DragonRojo · 16/06/2016 13:47

YANBU. Why would you want to spend all your holidays in the same place. How boring!

SewSlapdash · 16/06/2016 13:47

This really is not your problem, it's your DP's problem. Why do you have to be the one to resolve it? DP made the decision not to holiday with his parents, not you. You were presumably happy to go away on your own again.

Justnapping · 16/06/2016 13:48

The same place every year!? That doesn't sound like fun. Poor you, your in-laws need to get over it. Also I think better to sort this out now than wait until you've been going for 10 years

Godotsarrived · 16/06/2016 13:48

YANBU. Have done the whole holiday with the inlaws thing. Did it for several years. There is the expectation that we will continue doing it, even now when I have booked another holiday for this year, they expect me to come along for a long weekend. No. Just no.

alltouchedout · 16/06/2016 13:49

Do they think that tantrums and sulks are going to make you more likely to want to spend your holidays with them?

Karoleann · 16/06/2016 13:49

YANBU - of course you don't want to go on the same holiday (with your inlaws) every year.
You're doing the right thing by nipping it in the bud now.

If they go again this year, could you join them for a weekend, or is it too far away?

MyKingdomForBrie · 16/06/2016 13:51

Christ. Why do people do this to their children. Families need their own time and to start their own traditions - not to have their lives dictated by the older generations' choices for their children.

MadamDeathstare · 16/06/2016 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pinkheart5915 · 16/06/2016 13:55

Not wanting the same holiday ever year I understand, it would get so boring.

I can see why your dp family are disappointed it's the way it's been for so long and I think the big family holiday was lovely and they probably really enjoy that time with your Dp.

Could you suggest going away for a weekend all together in the uk some time this year?

Original poster
laidbackneko · 16/06/2016 14:00

DP is the easy going sort, goes with the flow, tries not to ruffle feathers etc.

To be fair though, he is being firm and clear that it is his decision to come on holiday with me.
I think it's just easier to blame me as the "troublemaker" because as far as his parents are concerned, this "rebellion" (from a man in his late thirties) has come out the blue. And therefore I must be a bad influence Grin

OP posts:
NavyAndWhite · 16/06/2016 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 16/06/2016 14:06

Just accept that you are a bad influence in their eyes and carry on regardless. If they bring it up, nod, acknowledge that they like their holiday destination and don't say anything else. They will either talk about something else or he knobs and bring it up repeatedly - which will then become DPs problem because you simply look at him, raise your eyebrows and stay silent.

Ps I have had a version of this from DHs grandparents about always going to visit them as a holiday. We don't have enough leave to do this and the things we want to we see them, but not for a whole week. In their eyes DH would continue this if it weren't for me, so I don't argue, just look at him when they mention it. Didn't take long for DH to sternly point out how annoyed he was getting and that it made him feel unwelcome. They stopped when they worked out more moaning = less visits from him.

RandyMagnum · 16/06/2016 14:06

Do they go to the same hotel every year, and go to eat and drink in the same bars and restaurants? If they do I couldn't be arsed with that. I don't think you're being unreasonable wanting your own holiday with your partner.

Savemefromwine · 16/06/2016 14:10

Oh for goodness sake!

What is wrong with people.

Our grown up kids and their partners and grandson are coming away with us this year, we invited them and are paying and looking forward to it but certainly don't expect them to come every year or any year. We are happy if they are happy.

Some parents are bat shit crazy. Op sorry your dp went with them and left you? Angry incredible

pictish · 16/06/2016 14:14

Hell no yanbu. They are and very. How blinkered and selfish they are. Did they spend every main holiday going to the same place with their in laws? No. Tell them to get some perspective ffs.

shamelessmailhack · 16/06/2016 14:17

Gawd, red flags all over the place.

I can't imagine going on the same holiday every year. How boring would that be? It's alright while you have young kids and can't do much, but I'd get so bored.

Go away alone, somewhere exotic, and enjoy yourself!

Lymmmummy · 16/06/2016 14:19

YANBU - and don't let it worry you -

If your relationship is serious you can't really be expected to go on holiday on your own for the next 20 years so he can go with his parents

If they are nice (but in the case they do sound demanding) then you could have done a long weekend type thing rather than full holiday

Unfortunately pushy demanding types need to be clearly put in their place early on - being endlessly polite and trying to find work around solutions just feeds their sense of entitlement that they should always get their own way - say this from experience

Ambroxide · 16/06/2016 14:19

Of course YANBU. I think they need to grow up a little bit and realise that not everything revolves around them. Your partner is in his thirties, fgs. It is completely reasonable that he may want to have a holiday that doesn't involve his parents!

Osirus · 16/06/2016 14:20

My DP's mother is like this. We have had a few annual holidays with her, her partner and my DP's brother and his partner. She's tried to organise another one this year but I've said I won't be going as I'll have a newborn and don't want the hassle and stress. She just says "you'll feel differently nearer the time" and I'm like "I won't!!!". I know my own mind and part of it is an excuse not to have to go for a third year running. They are a nice family but me and DP don't have any other holiday apart from the one with his family and I really didn't want to do it again this year.

Why do people treat their grown up children this way?? She moaned yesterday that I'm too independent - how can a grown woman with a baby on the way be "too independent"?

ineedwine99 · 16/06/2016 14:21

You are NOT being unreasonable! There is a big wide world to explore, if they want to stay in one place fine but they shouldn't force that on you and your partner.
Enjoy your travels :-)

AdjustableWench · 16/06/2016 14:22

YANBU. I had something similar with a partner whose parents expected to keep going on 'family' holidays with him and his sibling, just the four of them - I was excluded. I said he could do whatever he wanted, and he went with them for a few years, but then he wanted to go on holiday with me instead. They were furious! Especially the sibling, who was single. I think they expected to keep that tradition going forever. I found it very strange that they didn't anticipate that their son might want to take holidays with his partner. And yes, I was the bad guy, even though it was entirely his decision. Sadly, he found it very difficult to stand up for himself when they confronted him about anything (i.e. whenever he wanted to something that didn't fit in with their plans).

I hope your partner finds it easier to set boundaries with his parents. Depending on his previous experience of relationships, he might not be used to doing this, so it's important to start soon! Obviously, you're not 'causing trouble' or a 'bad influence', but it's up to him to do the hard work. Good luck!

Swipe left for the next trending thread