AIBU not to go on holiday with the in laws?

[laidbackneko]

DP's parents have a annual tradition of going to a particular holiday destination since DP was born.

When DP and I got together four years ago, I was invited to join them and for a couple of years this became our annual holiday destination too.

However, last year I decided to go somewhere different as I only get one good stretch of holiday time a year and I wanted to experience new and different parts of the world.

This caused a lot of tension in DP's family and they were very displeased with me. After a lot of hoo-ha, DP decided to go on holiday with his parents again instead of joining me.

I'm pretty independent so I didn't mind going alone and had a brilliant time.

The same problem has come up again this year.

DP has decided though, this time, to come with me. And his parents are very upset.

I really don't want to cause problems between DP and his parents. And it's definitely not a case of rejecting their company which I have tried to explain - we visit them several times a year and telephone regularly. It's just that I don't want to go on the same holiday every year. And now neither does DP.

I'm being accused of being divisive and splitting the family unit up.

And while I understand that it's an unwelcome change to a long established family tradition, I also think it's a bit unreasonable of DP's parents to dictate our holidays.

Who is BU and WWYD?

Honestly, never apologise, never explain here. Just do not engage. You are being completely reasonable and so is your DP.

As long as you examine your motives and they aren't 'to take DP away from his family' - which it doesn't sound like - then of course you pick your holiday destination!

YADNBU. PIL go to Wales and Paignton every year. Every single year..and nowhere else. SIL and her family have been with them too (tend to live their lives seeking their approval), but when DH and I got together I said no. I have limited annual leave and I want to spend it in the sun with my own DC making our own traditions.
I have never holidayed with my own mum, never mind my PIL's. That level of enmeshment in each other's lives isn't for me.
They sound quite odd and dictatorial. I would fear for their expectations all round if and when you have DC. Set a precedent now and do what you want, not what they want.

Sacrilege, eh, Loopy

' I don't mind at all if DP goes on holiday with them as I'm more than happy to do my own thing'

Hahaha!

Me too. But you do know it's never gonna happen?

I'd kill for a week off!

I've had several 'holidays' with the in-laws and DH's extended family and have actually decided that we are never doing it again.

I haven't told DH this yet, but I cannot bear another crap holiday in a shit cottage, with people I don't really like. It's just not a break, it's endurance and I'd rather be at home!

I just wanted to go away without DH and DS, no one else around, no cooking for hundred of people, sandwiches for 15 anyone? Military fucking operation and no gratitude.

Sorry, on a roll here!

Christmas is another issue, as mentioned up thread.

The food was so bad I ended up scoffing an entire bloody Christmas cake (that I'd made, only edible offering the entire time) and gaining loads of weight.

We had just toast for breakfast and previously frozen pate for lunch, rabbit for Christmas dinner. I was starved. Fantasing about M&S.

navy no, they're not hugely well off but DP earns fairly well so I think there's a bit of an expectation of presents for the whole family (including DB, SIL and 2DNs) that they wouldn't otherwise be able to afford

Did he have to buy them all expensive gifts but they didn't buy him expensive gifts back??

YANBU!!

Whilst we're about it, if you and DP do ever marry, ELOPE!!!!

YANBU. My three DC are married with DC of their own and my idea of heaven is them all coming on holiday with me to a place of my choosing every year. But it's not going to happen because they're grown ups with their own families and are therefore entitled to choose how to spend their holiday time. Your PIL need a reality check!

Toffee, I should have put a trigger warning

Yes rollon. DP used to spend hundreds (before I came along) but only ever gets small gifts back. Last year he got a bottle of wine from Sainsburys from his DB and nothing at all from his parents. He's not bothered though because he is naturally generous and gives because he wants to, not because he wants anything back - although as I said, since meeting me he's started giving less extravagant gifts. I never actually said anything but I think my face in response to the "list" spoke volumes.

I don't want it to come across as though I'm not fond of his family because actually I love them, mainly because DP is a wonderful man and they are part of him. I do find their rigid rules of life difficult though. We have very different ways of thinking.

That's appalling!!

I agree it's odd. But parents are pensioners and DB was unemployed for a few years so I think DP earning a decent wage was factored into the "system". Established family ways can seem perfectly normal if that's what you're used to but totally batshit from the outside!

toffee - a friend of mine's mother put her foot down one Christmas and said "No. I am not coming away to your mother's for Christmas. I am staying at home and drinking wine, eating sandwiches or a microwave meal and watching shit tv all day, if I want to. I am Having A Break". And she did.
Admittedly we were in our 30s when she did it, so she'd put up with going to her MIL's every year, pretty much, for a long time (and yes, she did have to do most of the work as time went on and MIL got older and frailer) - so she finally cracked it and said "no".
Friends of hers, including my parents, invited her round to theirs for Christmas so she wouldn't be on her own but she resolutely refused ALL invitations as the point was she wanted to be on her own. And she had a fab time!

Loopy - your ILs might be lovely but they're also, yes, very odd. I really don't like the one-sided present thing - I wouldn't think it so odd if there wasn't a request list involved, but as there is, then it sounds like they're just taking advantage!

But his parents are upset because it's not the "done thing" to go on separate holidays if you're a couple.

Do you suppose that this is possibly because in their eyes as you are not married that going away as a couple without family chaperoning might lead to "something" happening?

It is the sort of bizarre logic my DParents used to have. That "people" (who I dont know) would think that we were no better than we ought to be.

DF was shocked that the parents of a boyfriend had permitted me to stay in their house in his room (shocked voice) and had not defended my virtue. I was 20 and he was a bit late for that by a few years!

Ha - we've been cohabiting for three years so they'd be very naive to think that ship hadn't sailed a long time ago!
As I understand it, it's more to do with appearances. It raises a few eyebrows amongst their friends and family that their DS's partner isn't family oriented, whatever that means.

I think it's a sort of throwback to a patriarchal attitude his parents have.

DH and I always went home to our respective families at Christmas for a few days until we got married. People used to think that was very weird as we were together for about 10 yrs before we married. Was a lovely break for both of us and other families Christmas's are always weird.

They do seem very patri/matriarchal (depending on which one is driving it) - very "Our family around us".

Glad none of my family are like that!

Thumbwitches, yes it's a bit of an adjustment as my own family are completely different. The pressie thing is still a bit but I stay out of it as it's between DP and his family.

I like the sound of your friend. Next Xmas I'm booking into a spa!

other families Christmas's are always weird.
YY TreadSoftly, so true.

My parents wanted me and the DH to go on a fortnight's holiday this year to somewhere I have zero desire to go. This would have been leave all gone for the DH. They were appalled that we didn't want to go, despite having booked accommodation for themselves that meant we'd be elsewhere. Batshit.

YANBU at all. Two weeks in a farmhouse in France every single summer with your DP's family? Bloody hell! I wouldn't do that either - once would've been plenty - however nice they are.

Good for you shaking them up a bit OP. They sound very stuck in their ways and unwilling to compromise, but when new people come into the family you have to adapt and expect that things will change in small ways. Expecting adult DC to come on holiday with you every single year forever is completely unreasonable.

It raises a few eyebrows amongst their friends and family that their DS's partner isn't family oriented, whatever that means.

It means that you are not falling in with what they want to do. They obviously expected you to do and like the same things they do, including the holidays. As if you don't have a life of your own.

I would guess it's not directed at your personally, but that any partner of their DS would have been expected to join in with whatever they do.

YANBU, I can't consider a holiday with the in-laws to be relaxing or enjoyable really and I have lovely in-laws?

Btw toffee your posts made me laugh so much!

it's not just a break, it's endurance and I'd rather be at home!

I think you're right, Raspberry, I don't think it's personally directed at me.

Trouble is, the more pressure there is the less inclined I am to conform. Life's too short to pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm still trying to find a way to communicate this without causing upset which I also can't be arsed with! Maybe I'm not a very tolerant person!