AIBU not to go on holiday with the in laws?

[laidbackneko]

DP's parents have a annual tradition of going to a particular holiday destination since DP was born.

When DP and I got together four years ago, I was invited to join them and for a couple of years this became our annual holiday destination too.

However, last year I decided to go somewhere different as I only get one good stretch of holiday time a year and I wanted to experience new and different parts of the world.

This caused a lot of tension in DP's family and they were very displeased with me. After a lot of hoo-ha, DP decided to go on holiday with his parents again instead of joining me.

I'm pretty independent so I didn't mind going alone and had a brilliant time.

The same problem has come up again this year.

DP has decided though, this time, to come with me. And his parents are very upset.

I really don't want to cause problems between DP and his parents. And it's definitely not a case of rejecting their company which I have tried to explain - we visit them several times a year and telephone regularly. It's just that I don't want to go on the same holiday every year. And now neither does DP.

I'm being accused of being divisive and splitting the family unit up.

And while I understand that it's an unwelcome change to a long established family tradition, I also think it's a bit unreasonable of DP's parents to dictate our holidays.

Who is BU and WWYD?

you are being blamed for the same reason that the "other woman" gets blamed. Somehow people find it easier to accept their partner/son was dragged away kicking and screaming than they chose to do it themselves.

YANBU

Jesus wept, bless them but they'll have to get over it/cut the apron strings. Maybe this 'rebellion' spoils the numbers they need to play bridge or summat? Suggest they take a cardboard cutout of him, he'll fold up nice and small for luggage as well

Could you suggest to his family all going away together just for a weekend somewhere at some point in the year? Just a nice hotel even in this country.
I remember when I stopped my family holiday at 29 ( it wasn't my only holiday of the year) and my parents were upset as they enjoyed that time with me due to my job I don't get much time to go out see them as often as I should. So what I know do is go away wherever I want 3 weeks of the year then I have a weekend somewhere like Cornwall with mum and dad for 3 nights

There are some bat shit crazy parents out there. Why do people want to suffocate their grown up kids and control them. Just wierd.

Some people are so unreasonable with their adult children!
I like to spend time on my own with DH, whilst I love my adult sons and their partners I would not really want to spend more than a long weekend with any of them.
Me and DH are getting on and now we have decided that our preferred destination of choice each year for a week is Scotland, why would I imagine that my nearest and dearest would want the same ?

It depends on the distance length and cost. If it's a long weekend somewhere nearish and not expensive yabu.
If it's for a week+/ a long way/ or expensive yanbu at all and you're right to stick to your guns.

If my parents go on holiday with any of us with young children they quietly book another holiday straight afterwards ie a proper holiday

Yanbu obv.

So do they/did they go on holiday with their own parents and in laws? That would have to be two holidays a year. And what if you wanted your main holiday to be with your parents? And what if your parents went away with their parents/in laws? Who's good at Maths? How many holidays would a 20 year old have to have if their families lived to be 90?!

His next conversations should be the last on the subject - so he may as well be all inclusive:

Mum, dad. I have finally found The One Loopy is The Woman I wish to spend the rest of my life with. So, just like you did when you got together, I want us to start our own family traditions and habits. That includes holidays, birthdays and Christmas... [this is where to mention kids and nuclear family unit, if you think it appropriate]... lots of things. I have not 'abandoned' you, there is no one who got lost. I have simply found someone I want to be with, I have grown up. Be happy for me.

adjustable that's horrible you weren't invited. Bloody bad form.

I think DP's family are just sad that a long standing tradition is coming to an end. I don't blame them for finding the change difficult but as a PP has said, best nip these expectations in the bud before you create a rod for your own back.

Although I can see from the in law's perspective I am a bit of a troublemaker! For example I have also broken the "tradition" of Christmas lists which is basically a shopping list of items that are, IMO (think mini iPads, iPods, jewellery, designer clothes etc) which I thought was ridiculous and gave £20 gifts, in the line of what I give my own family. This caused a LOT of anguish the first time.
But they're used to my "meanness" now

Out of nosiness, where is the holiday?

cru The holiday is two weeks in the south of France. They rent a farmhouse and over the years have made friends locally.

thanks for all the replies. Whew, AIBU Doesn't think I'm BU!!

I can rest easy now...

They are crackers.

If The Destination is not very far away & doesn't cost too much then it would be nice if you could join them there for a weekend every few years. But every year? As your main holiday? Not in a million years.

I fully expect my DSs to opt out of family holidays when they get to about 17 or so. It would be nice if we could do the occasional holiday together when they are adults (with their partners obvs), but I certainly wouldn't be throwing my toys out of the pram if they declined.

hell would freeze over before I went on holiday with my inlaws. Fortunately DH feels the same

No you are not being unreasonable.

You just need to have a grown up conversation with them and simply say you want to explore other places in the world and you only have a few weeks holiday a year and it is a big world. Tell them that you are not at that stage of life where you want the same holiday over and over.

You haven't said you hate their company, so just say you really don't mind them coming along wherever you are going, but you just don't want to do France again. That way you and DP are not rejecting them, but the location.

navy yup. Fair point.

Thing is, whilst I'm more than happy to contribute towards expensive gifts, I'm definitely not fine about spending hundreds of pounds per person

Yeah- 2 weeks, too far and too expensive! YANBU. How bizarre that his parents don't see that it's a big ask for him let alone you. They've been very lucky to have sustained family holidays at all past teenagerdom.

Our 2 weeks in the summer is the only holiday we seem to have away from family and I love it. Just us and the children. We enjoy choosing a new place every year (usually camping though!).

No YANBU at all and I say that as someone whose adult dc turn up at some point during the majority of our (British) holidays for a few days whether we invite them or not tbh. So much so we still book a large cottage, regardless of only having one younger child, just so whoever turns up has somewhere to sleep. Having their own cars and them working flexi time has been our downfall tbh.

that's horrible you weren't invited. Bloody bad form
Yeah. But I chose to see it as eccentricity on their part - they were unusual in other ways too. And by playing a long game I got what I wanted in the end.

The Christmas lists thing wouldn't work for me either. I guess it's fine if they have unlimited disposable income, massive houses to store all that stuff in, and very few people to buy presents for. But even then, it's a bit extreme - an odd way to demonstrate family closeness.