DD return from University

[user1465822474]

Only DD returned from Uni last week, skint. No sign of any summer job on the horizon (hinting will have the opposite effect to encouragement I fear), expecting free board and lodging for the summer (fine) and to be fed as well (not fine). AIBU to ask her to pay for her own food? She's got an extremely healthy appetite and certainly hasn't starved when at Uni- her diet has been way better than ours actually. Me and husband are both really hard up at the moment because both self employed and owed money so we really can't afford this- or any luxuries. My only one is a quarterly trip to the hygienist for a tooth polish but now I'm feeling guilty about that as DD says she's in real need of one too but can't afford it. Can feel resentment building up at same rate as bank account getting depleted (and we have until October of this, potentially). Don't want to upset her but not sure how best to approach the conversation we'll need to have pretty soon.

It's just about helping them get to a position where they feel able and want to get a job. Needs must often provides that. However it's very difficult to lock the food cupboard door from your offspring.

IT does matter, what friends are doing. If they are off on holiday - she'll want to join them perhaps. However not all young people she will mix with will work in the hols. None of my DDs home friends do any work in the hols. Some parents object, as they see it not to be beneficial and some go off on lots of holidays. They are all fairly affluent. If ops DD is mixing with these I can see why she doesn't see the need. A conversation is in order!

I think it's a case of helping ops DD see the necessity, and benefits of a job.

I think some of my daughter's university friends are quite affluent. But - if anything - I'd say they would appear to be quite active in terms of seeking out opportunities. Possibly more about internships or voluntary placements where expenses are paid. So, even if they're also going on a (paid for) family holiday, there seems to be a determination to 'do something' interesting/useful with the summer break. If anything I'd say it was my daughter's least well-off friend from schoool who is (apparently) the least active and who appears to get regular hand-outs from her parents for clothes, treats, festival tickets. So I don't think there's any straightforward correlation indicating that n lower family income the students find stuff to do, and that in better-off families the students do very little..

Lots of comments on here, some good advice etc, but has anyone else noticed that the op has not come back?

I'm always a bit suspicious of posters whose username is along the lines of userxxxxxxxxxx. Quite prepared to be told how judgemental I'm being, though. Probably by userxxxxxxxxxx!

Oh, I am never sure whether anything here is true.

Maybe it doesn't matter as none of us are staying up overnight, worrying about the outcome of this one?

(I think I'm real though.)

Oh I would say there are internships, interesting stuff being done but little work for money.

She must get job! In fact part time summer jobs are far easier to get than full time jobs, so she should be fine. Mine have both worked since 16/17 and wouldn't dream of coming home in uni holidays without working. It pays for their treats and more besides when they are away. And I'm convinced that the odd supermarket/warehouse job on the CV will help get a vital leg-up when it comes to applying for 'proper' jobs.

Oh I would say there are internships, interesting stuff being done but little work for money.

I have students doing a year in industry between year 2 and year 3 getting £40k plus, and students on summer placement getting three or four grand for eight weeks with board and lodgings thrown in.

Unlikely you'd get any of these to start right now, of course.

It is quite late to get a summer job depending where the OP is. It should have been discussed earlier.

I do agree that people should work though university though. Lots of people graduate and have never works a day ever. I did a 4 year degree and by the third year I just stayed in my uni town to work to save having to get new jobs in the holidays.

Op not come back then?!

I'm sure the DD can get a job, eventually. And she should get a job. And volunteer if she can't get a job. Thus helping her get a paid job. And op can share tooth polish if dd can't get any free. And everyone can eat a bit less and share portions so DD can eat. All will be well!

No they can't, Regina. My dad was adamant about this many years ago and I got laughed out of the job centre...

If you can't afford to feed her then you can't, and you'll have to tell her that, and she'll have to work. Even if you were flush, YWNBU to refuse to fund excesses (e.g. massive bars of chocolate, fancy brands, steak dinners all the time).

However, I really dislike the way some parents turn a home into a charging B&B the day their kid turns 18. I'd like to think my children always have shelter and food (however basic) with me when life necessitates it, and I think being a full-time student would necessitate it. I'd consider looking at your own financial set-up as well as encouraging your daughter to work.

Orac
This was quoted on another thread....
I think we should coddle them all while we can, life is short and I want mine to think of home as a place of unconditional love, safety, chats and belly laughs, dry towels and a full fridge

Totally agree with this, we don't have the luxury of their company forever, however, a few house rules and a bit of helping around the place.

I would try and help with the hunt for summer work and explain you own situation, the work can pay for fun during the holidays. I would rather starve than 'charge' a child for food.

meowli you might have missed the other posts about the username and numbers. It is a MNHQ thing, it is done automatically when people join, it is not a sign of a poster being a troll.

That and if you have your suspicions Report them... as per the usual MN Don't Hunt The Troll messages!

Not being judgemental, just gently ushering you towards MN knowledge and netiquette

You are not doing your job as a parent if you don't instill responsibility into her now.

my parents molly coddled my siblings and they are all without exception terrible with money or holding onto a job.
3 are almost permanently unemployed.

I left home at 18 and stood on my own two feet from day1.

Get her working as a barmaid/office cleaner/summer temp/ whatever, and make her pay rent!
May feel mean but it's the best lesson you will ever teach her.

There are no free rides in life!

She's not a kid. She's an adult old enough to be working. She needs to get a job of some sort and contribute towards (if nothing else), the weekly shop.
Too many of these "adult kids" are treated like children incapable of doing anythin with parents too scared to say anything incase they hurt their feelings.

Send her on an errand to the local food bank for you.

She will soon get the hint.

I wouldn't expect students to pay for their food over the hols, but I would expect them to earn their own spending money. So, if she wants a social life for the next 10 weeks, she'll need a job.

She should be pitching in with housework too.

Like loads of others , I think that a holiday job is important. The experience of work is essential and may be worth more that the cash earned ( Waits to be flamed) .
Neither of mine managed to get a job in the summer after their first year, despite taking cvs around our two nearest towns, although they did voluntary work, however DS1 took himself off to a council run Food hygeine course at the start of the second summer vaccation. Had 3 requests for his cv duirng the day, a phone call asking to arrange an interview that evening and was working in the kitchen three days later. He did that for the summer, a Christmas and the summer after he graduated. Guess what his employer wanted to talk to him about at his interview for his graduate job? ( He also makes brilliant desserts!)
DS2 did not have any luck on the Food hygeine day, but has just found a job on Gumtree, starting next month. It is not too late for this year.
I must confess that they ended up doing spreadsheets showing us where they had applied/handed out cvs and what the outcome was as we were always suggesting where they could apply next.
OP if you are both self employed is there any work she could do for you ,if she can't get another job?

I am surprised that only one poster on here has made the very sensible suggestion that OP's DD gives the family a hand with the business. That would have been quite normal in the halycon days people seem to be refering to when students could get work from 14 and go on the dole in the summer, and is the only viable option that remains today.

Honestly, all of this tough love and hard work that so many posters claim to have experienced hasn't made them very enterprising has it?

OP's DD can start her work experience debt collecting from your clients, or whatever else needs doing for your business, while applying for other jobs, in a stronger position than she was before as she will now have some experience.

Joining the family business (temporarily) might even be better work experience in the long run than dishwashing somewhere imo.

My ds has just completed 2nd year at uni. He has a job in a local pub that he found for himself and works on a shift basis - we hardly ever see him. He worked there last summer and during the xmas and easter hols as well without any detriment to his academic work. He also has a part time job whilst at uni as he likes to have some money to spend. We could afford to keep him but this is his choice. He doesn't pay for board or lodging at home.
YNBU to ask for support from her - it is possible to get a job if she really wants one - you just have to put yourself out there. Good luck

I think there are two different matters here:

1. Yes, I think that as parents we have duty of care to our children for their whole lives, be they 5, 15, 25 or 50 and I would consider lodging and food a bare minimum.
2. You are clearly in a difficult financial situation, which means you cannot fulfill the former point, which surely a university student will understand. Can you sit her down and explain things as there are? Or if you really don't think it will work, explain that some parents in a similar situation would have considered getting a lodger or would have asked for rent from their child, and you are basically trying your best for her within your means

Uni lecturers - you really don't need to discourage pt work over summer. All students can manage a bit of both. I was far from the hardest working student, but read on commutes into town, read at weekends and managed to work part time, have the occasional short cheap holiday with friends, and earn every summer. They're not incompatible.

People who think the OP is being mean, please back off. I work at a food bank. One of our regular customers is absolutely desperate right now because his adult children have all come home. they are jobless. they can't afford London rents, and they expect dad, on his old age pension, to fund their food. he can't. This week he looked absolutely broken. He's usually quite chipper. If you are on a very tight budget, yes, an extra mouth to feed does make a difference.

Uni lecturers - you really don't need to discourage pt work over summer.

Has any university lecturer ever done this? I spend a lot of my time trying to find work for students over the summer.

I was told I wasn't allowed to stay at my parents in Summer unless I could pay B&B . blinks she needs to get a job OP!