I'm NOT fat

[TheJollyPostmansWife]

Name change as about to give all details as too late to text friends for advice. Visiting DHs family today, out for lunch where I had a prawn salad. After I finished I reached over to nick a bit of my dds bread and as I did so My DHs grandmother piped up 'not watching your figure then?'. This is not the first time she has been rude about my weight and to be honest I am really pissed off. We see them very rarely and I don't think she has any right to make personal comments at all - last time she said something she suggested I would lose my looks and therefore my husband if I carried on the way I was. I don't think it's important as I don't think anyone should comment on others appearance but for context I go to the gym 3-5 times a week, walk the dog at least an hour every day and see a personal trainer weekly. I am five foot one, 9 stone 3 and size 8. I'm not normally so sensitive but I don't want to see the woman again, she is elderly and not in good health and adores my dds. Aibu to refuse to see her? I would never stop the dds but we live the other side of the country which is obviously limiting.

That ^^
I watch what I eat every day, I worry people are staring or laughing at me. Yet how I look doesn't match up to my BMI (32 ish or so)
I have no idea where I carry my weight

I agree proteus, both posts. And to you, because recovering from the worst of an eating disorder, and living with it is something worthy of praise

hollinhurst yes but even the 'living a normal life' type of obesity can have bad consequences for health in the medium/long term. Just because it's not at the 'can't get out of bed' level doesn't mean it's OK for your body. It's a dangerous idea to promote - and very seductive.

Mango yes they are mesmerising! At the age of 36 I can see it that way too. At 24 I couldn't and it made me feel like dying.

laser yes, and equally there are also a huge number of posters who will rush to say "I'm sure you look fine" and "if you're a size 10 you can't possibly be fat!" and "BMI is all nonsense" and "muscle weighs more than fat" and "lose 13 stone by ditching him" and all those cliches too.

But people are all different
I'm built like a powerlifter, I have huge shoulders and bones. My skeleton wouldn't be a size 6-8 if I tried because I'm so broad. I physically cannot move any more or eat any less but that doesn't make me unhealthy. I have blood tests every 12 weeks, my BP/pulse, heart, and lungs are all fine. I eat well, loads of veg and exercise frequently. So not much more I can do really
But say a BMI of 32 or 15-16 stone and people seem to imagine a beach ball

Proteus the "lose 13 stone by ditching him" is usually advice given out because the partner has been emotionally abusive. Policing his partners body is something he (whoever he may be) has no right to do. And it usually goes hand in hand with other abuse. Although its quite insidious enough on its own.

There is even an app that does it.

everydayvictimblaming.com/responses-to-media/the-abuser-that-fits-into-your-pocket/

Right, so there is a balance then. So it's not the case that everyone on here is promoting fat acceptance and viciously silence those who disagree...

If you are genuinely concerned about public health outcomes and the dangerous normalisation of obesity as you see it, please take on board that the way to address the issue is not by berating women, infantilising women, alienating women or inadvertently fuelling their sense of shame and self loathing. As discussed in great detail on the thread, it's an incredibly sensitive subject and it's easy to hit a raw nerve. You will not help women to lead a healthier lifestyle with blunt and brutal honesty, certainly not with criticism. The discussion has become very circular, I think there are some fundamental points on which we will never agree but I think it's clear that there is a wide range of viewpoints and an even wider range of body shapes and sizes with many factors contributing to our physical and emotional health. We won't always have these factors in perfect balance and I think it's important we don't have a rigid and narrow view of what is acceptable and acknowledge that there is a range of healthy weights and reasons why some people will find it easier or harder to be at either end of that range or be outside it altogether. We can all only do our best and I think we're likely to take better care of ourselves if we are happy and at peace with our bodies, not if we are ashamed of them and constantly worrying about the judgement of others.

laser that's my point. I don't go round either thinking or saying all overweight people are so because they sit about eating all day. And quite rightly anybody expressing that opinion should be called on it. But society, or this forum as a whole doesn't feel the same when it's someone expressing the opinion all thin people are exercise addicts existing on a lettuce a week.

Yes, I get it isn't easy to lose weight. But that doesn't as a society we should encourage people to give up by telling them they don't need to, or giving a false impression of what is healthy for most people. Nobody is naturally morbidly obese (fat level, not chart wise) any more than anybody is naturally emaciated. And moving the goal posts on slim to something more flattering to the majority doesn't help those who really should lose weight. It stands to reason losing a stone or two is a lot easier than losing 6 a few years down the line.

My shape might be natural for me, but it would be massively irresponsible and incorrect for someone like me to say most women are very healthy at my size, and indeed most women with low body fat and lean muscle will have bmi's well under 19. Because they don't, it's a minority, just like at the other end. And it's equally irresponsible to encourage the idea that the majority of those at the other end are all exceptions to the rule.

(Not aiming that at anyone personally or on here btw, just a general observation from any number of threads)

Actually Lurked i found it easier to lose ten stone at 28/29

Losing 4 stone over the age of 40 has taken a lot longer.

bibbitybobbity - because in this case, this thread is mainly full of utter tripe and someone being unecessarily rude. I did skim through to try and see if my point had been made but ultimately, didn't really care enough to read every single word.

So may I burn in hell.

I was one of the first posters on this thread and was responding to the thread title "I'm NOT fat" and did the BMI calculation to check my intuitive sense that 9 stone 3 must be overweight, or very nearly, for someone of that height.

So Proteus when your calculations came up and you realised the OP was not fat, why did you not say 'You're right. According to your BMI, you are in the healthy range.'

Because that is also a fact.

Why did you deliberately choose the single most negative way to interpret your calculations, then tell that person about it?

You will never acknowledge that you have done anything wrong on this thread, will you?

I find it quite astonishing that MNHQ has no problem with allowing a person with significant mental health issues in the form of eating disorders to post feedback to other people about their weight.

I think you are incredibly selfish for KNOWING that your thinking is disordered on this issue, yet still telling people what is supposedly healthy or unhealthy.

stoic I'm afraid it is head banging against a wall type of thing with someone in the grips of ED/body dysmorphia.

Years ago, I also had an ED and believe me, NOTHING could break the idea of thinness=good/desirable even after I was apparently "cured" meaning I wasn't starving or vomiting but still had an incredibly unhealthy obsession with fat and weight.

Sounds totally corny I know, so totally understand if you need to vomit, but the truth is that love for my family eventually pulled me out of that black hole for good, or at least the best part of four years from then til now anyway.

That's my personal experience and I will also add that I am 5ft. 2 and now weigh 9st (and have done for 3years) and feel sorry for anyone who would worry that is borderline overweight.

And FWIW I feel the best I have in years, largely because I don't stress anymore about being "fat" anymore. And, literally, it is a massive weight off my shoulders.

loopy im glad that you are happier.

for the typos. Should learn to proof read before posting!

Ooh, just saw your post - thanks helena
Yup, life is much better now

Very wise words, Loopy. On a lot of levels.

I don't understand why the health at every size movement is so threatening to some people?

Like quite a few posters here I've suffered with eating disorders and I've been basically every spectrum of BMI from underweight to obese. HAES and seeing a greater variety of models in advertisements like Ashley Graham, etc. has made me stop engaging in very unhealthy binge/purge cycles and overexercising. I haven't sat down and said "oh, I guess I get to be fat now!" I've sat down and said "what's important is my health" and really cleaned up my eating and exercise habits, as well as taking care of my mental health.

All this harping on about the health issues related to obesity just strikes me as fatphobia and a bit of ignorance. Yes, our population is getting fatter, it's also getting older (hence a lot of the cases of increased dementia), that isn't dismissing the health concerns surrounding obesity it's highlighting that it's not quite as black and white as people would think.

We've found ourselves in this very weird area where our beauty and health ideals are getting slimmer and slimmer, while our population is getting fatter and fatter. Given the links between fat shaming and weight gain I would say there's a connection there.

Thank you all for the compliments - this was not the aim though, I just wanted to show that if someone told me to better watch it, it's more likely they are bitchy than that they are acting out of sincere justified concern.

Proteus I understand why you might get resentful when you work hard and you feel people don't really appreciate your efforts, as fatter people are told they are just fine too. Does it make you feel better to know that I sacrifice quite a lot - barely eat and the photo was taken 6AM when I was just heading to the gym. And I'm still not slim. So I should be the one resentful really -all this work for 'borderline overweight'.

There have been plenty of posts where slim people have posted their photos (exercise topic for example) - I don't actually remember seeing the comments you think you would get.

Proteus I understand why you might get resentful when you work hard and you feel people don't really appreciate your efforts, as fatter people are told they are just fine too.

And I believe HeavyHeidi has just hit the crux of the issue. It must be infuriating when people you view as "inferior" or "lazy" are complimented when you aren't (or don't think you're being complimented enough).

I don't work hard at being small. I just am,mbecause I'm built that way. I would love it if people told me I was just fine, I would love it if the high street hadn't mostly decided to stop making clothes that actually fit me (except in their kids range) - but that's not reality. I eat what I want (one caveat - I am allergic to dairy, severely, have been since birth, I certainly don't want to eat dairy but obviously that has been a lifelong restriction on me and while there are these days things like non dairy ice cream etc I've never ever acquired the taste for it - because it wasn't around when I was a kid) but I'm aware that what I want seems to be less than what other people want - but I eat till I'm full and I suppose it's not surprising that this translates as less food than someone with a bigger body to fuel needs. It doesn't surprise me, but it does seem to surprise others and that pisses me off. Do the maths people! And then if I eat something like a bunch of grapes I get comments like 'you ate ALL those grapes?' Well yes. Yes I did. I was hungry. If I said to someone 'you ate ALL those biscuits' that would be rude. But it's fine for people to comment on what I eat - all the blooming time. That's why I no longer go to work dinners, I'm bloody fed up of it. IME in face to face situations people have no problems policing and otherwise commenting on what smaller people eat but they would dream of doing that to larger people. I've given up pointing out to others that they are a foot taller than me of course they are going to want/need to eat more. I've given up pointing out to people that I eat things like bread and Chips when I fancy them (which is every meal for bread. Less often for chips because chips are so often done wrong (undercooked) that I only eat them from places I know do them right). It's just exhausting being constantly scrutinized.

Uhtred I used to get comments like those when I was thin. All the time. And as I got fatter and fatter they didn't stop. Just changed in tone from incredulous to disgusted or vice versa depending on the person.

Human beings, women especially, love to make others feel bad as a way to boost ourselves.

Also, I sincerely wonder who the high street does make clothes for, because I've always been either too small or too big for them!

Uhtred, you've come into a thread all about someone who's eating is being scrutinised by a relative who clearly thinks the OP is too big - and you're complaining about having your eating scrutinised because you're thin and claiming that people 'wouldn't dream' of policing the food intake of larger women - which is the whole subject of the thread! Not that the OP is a larger woman, but it's clear that the relative in question views her as such. So the way your eating is commented upon sounds absolutely infuriating but you are so, so wrong to claim it only happens to thin people and would never happen to others!

And thefitfatty, when I was a healthy BMI I still couldn't find high street clothes that fit over my breasts. The high street doesn't cut clothes for an hourglass shape either in my experience. And fashion is often unkind to larger bodies. If I go shopping I'm flicking through rack after rack going 'too short, too sleeveless, too unflattering' and really I've had that experience at every size I've been. I have been buying clothes online for years where a much greater range of body shapes and sizes is accommodated. Shopping is rarely the joyous experience for women that it is portrayed as.

This isn't a competition about who has it the hardest - fat women, thin women or women in between. It's unacceptable that so many people feel entitled to comment on women's bodies and food intake FULL STOP. It happens to women of every shape and size. It's insidious and toxic and unpleasant - and incredibly widespread. We'd do better to acknowledge that all women suffer from the attitude that our bodies are continually on display and available for judgement rather than forming factions and resenting each other for how we perceive 'the other side' to have it easier.

I agree with you totally LaserShark and I believe this focus on "health" has just become another way to undermine woman and pit us against each other. The problem with health is that its nearly impossible to tell if a person is healthy just by looking at them, which leads to ridiculous arguments about BMI.

Oh, and in regards to fashion and an hour-glass shape. When I was in my early 20's my grandmother emptied her closet and gave me all these lovely suits and dresses she used to wear when she was my age (1940's). They were a bit big on me (vanity sizing what??) but they were perfect for an hourglass shape. I loved them! She always used to say when I took her shopping that they don't know how to design for her shape anymore, and everything just makes her feel fat. :P I love www.modcloth.com now. great hourglass styles!