I'm NOT fat

[TheJollyPostmansWife]

Name change as about to give all details as too late to text friends for advice. Visiting DHs family today, out for lunch where I had a prawn salad. After I finished I reached over to nick a bit of my dds bread and as I did so My DHs grandmother piped up 'not watching your figure then?'. This is not the first time she has been rude about my weight and to be honest I am really pissed off. We see them very rarely and I don't think she has any right to make personal comments at all - last time she said something she suggested I would lose my looks and therefore my husband if I carried on the way I was. I don't think it's important as I don't think anyone should comment on others appearance but for context I go to the gym 3-5 times a week, walk the dog at least an hour every day and see a personal trainer weekly. I am five foot one, 9 stone 3 and size 8. I'm not normally so sensitive but I don't want to see the woman again, she is elderly and not in good health and adores my dds. Aibu to refuse to see her? I would never stop the dds but we live the other side of the country which is obviously limiting.

I can imagine this would be very annoying but given that you're not actually fat why do you care? She might just be making conversation with whatever occurs to her. If she's an old lady in bad health seeing family probably consitutes most of her activity and also probably the highlight of her calendar so perhaps try and be more relaxed about it. A you say, you're not fat so don't let it upset you. maybe just go for some banter. I like to say "are you calling me fat?!" with fake offence at the slightest comment about weight. takes the sting out of it.

Proteus, you say that if you 'ate what you wanted, all the time', you would weigh between 10.5-11stone. Which would put your BMI around bang in the middle of the healthy range at what, 22ish? Can you see how maybe that this weight is in fact your body's (if not your brain's ) healthy and happy weight? Could you imagine how much more enjoyable life would be if you listened to your appetite instead of denying it, loving your body instead of fighting it (your description - huge effort of will and hard work/sacrifices and pain), how you might be able to give so much more headspace to more important things in your life...that maybe can be sidelined as long as you are concentrating on calories? And how (I suspect) your digestive issues might actually improve significantly if you made peace with food and your body (I appreciate you sound as if you have already made a lot of progress in respect of your ED but there's still room for more perhaps?)

Proteus I eat a naked bar most days. Not actually at the gym but often after running (whether at the gym or on the road). Or even if I haven't run!!! And I'm tiny. So. There's nothing wrong with eating naked bars FFS. A lump of lard? Yup, that's bad. Cheese? Well obviously because it's OF THE DEVIL (YMMV) but there is nothing intrinsically wrong with eating a naked bar. You seem to have some very strange ideas.

If being the size you are invovles constant 'acrifice' and 'hard work' then you are probably not the right size for your frame. Not overating isn't sacrifice. Eating a balanced diet isn't sacrifice. Not eating any foodstuff isn't sacrifice (even not eating marmite and I bloody love marmite but if I didn't eat it it wouldn't be a 'sacrifice' it would just be a case of me not eating marmite (which admittedly doesn't happen most days, most days I do eat it).

I think the sort of attitudes that you express contribute to the reason why so many people find it so acceptable to comment on the size and eating habits of smaller people. People like you spread the myth that we are all obsessed, that we have all signed up to some massive self denying ordnance and we are all being total martyrs and we all suffer terribly. Most of us aren't and haven't and just don't. If I had a pound for every time someone has told me to stop denying myself and have a biscuit or a slice of cake I'd have A LOT of pounds. But I'm not denying myself, I don't fancy those things, if I did fancy them then I'd eat them. But while people like you continue to push the myth that everyone is simply gagging for 'bad food' and some of us (you) are just more strong willed than others, then this attitude will continue - as will the attitude that smaller people think they are better (cos more will power) than other people. I have no will power as it happens but you don't need will power to not eat stuff you don't want.

Clearly what you are saying is true of you but please don't pretend or believe its true of everyone who isn't overweight because it just isn't.

How did this thread turn into a psychoanalytical session of poor old Proteusrising

But I agree with many posters here.

I have a friend like Protheus who thinks I am fat. She is the same height as me but weighs a stone less. My BMI is 23, I am active, I like my food, i don't deny myself treats or try to eat less than what I fancy. I eat to appetite.

Meanwhile she carefully monitors her intake, gets nervous around biscuits/cake, eats mainly soup for lunch, and spends a fair amount of time criticising other people's weight (esp. "fat people")

I don't think she is the "healthier one" here, despite her being thinner.

BabyGanoush - 'she gets nervous round biscuits/cake' - does she though? Really? Because I can imagine some of my tormentors in the office saying the same thing about me but what I am nervous about is having to listen to the same damn broken record yet again when they try and push something on me that I have no interest in. Being indifferent - or even opposed to - biscuits and cake is neither a crime nor is it unreasonable. I also eat soup for lunch whenever I'm in the office. I like soup. Pret sells soup. I like going to pret because (a) they sell soup (b) they are close enough to my office that it doesn't take an age to walk there but far enough that I do at least get out of sight of the damn place (c) if I go to Pret I can also buy those kale crisp things which I reckon they put drugs in because they are utterly addictive. I never get soup at home because nobody else in my family likes soup. It's not, in fact, a crime, to eat soup for lunch, you know?

I think a few of you aren't being fair to proteus in regards to her eating disorder making her opinion wrong.

There is a general consensus that the majority of people who have really struggled with being very overweight, or are doing, have a form of ed.

And yet none of us, me included, would think it ok to dismiss a poster because they are, or were, very overweight, or imply they shouldn't even be on the thread.

I don't think she shouldn't be on the thread, I suggested a while back that for her benefit, given her ED history, it might be best to step away though. It has turned into something of a psychoanalysis but that's because her views are potentially damaging and clearly coloured by her ED. Proteus is obviously hugely judgemental about people's weight and what it signifies in terms of health (though probably most judgemental of all when it comes to her own body ). Understandably it's put people's backs up, whether that's because they feel sensitive or under attack from her views or because, like me, they simply disagree with many of the things she is saying and feel that they are potentially harmful.

OK I didn't want to derail or take over this thread and I assure you I'm not after some free psychoanalysis!

I'm on my way out but wanted to answer a few things quickly before I go:

Uhtred I never said, meant, or tried to imply that all slim people have to work hard to be that way.

If you look back through my posts, you'll see in fact that I have said the exact opposite, over and over again. For example, I mentioned my best friend at school who was like you and Lurked - no real interest in eating - I expressed envy of this (in a hopefully lighthearted way).

I am NOT trying to perpetuate the idea that no one is naturally thin and that all thin people are exercising loads of willpower to be that way, all the time. Lots of us are, lots of others are naturally that way.

Also - to Uhtred and Tara - ffs I wish everyone would stop getting hung up on the specific food I mention people eating in the gym! What I mean is - and I thought this was perfectly clear, although I was typing on my phone while walking through the rain so perhaps not - that it annoys me when people who ARE overweight AND unhappy about it, go to the gym, exxpend minimal effort, and then immediately eat more calories than whatever they've expended, AND THEN complain that 'even though they go to the gym they don't lose weight'

Is that any clearer??!

I am talking about people i KNOW, people I have discussions like this with all the time. Not you, any of you personally, not an abstract person I've made up, but real actual individuals who express frustration, anger, and envy.

Lurked thank you so much. The only thing I have found really upsetting on this thread is the people (not many) saying that having, or having had, an eating disorder, means I should be BANNED from posting on this thread.

MN and every other similar forum is full of people who have some sort of specific interest in the subject being discussed, very often from personal experience. Imagine if we said no one who'd experienced domestic violence should comment on threads on that subject, as they're obviously fucked up or disturbed about it.

SleepwhenIdie I have too much to say in response to your posts, thank you for taking the time to write them I will say briefly that I was about that weight in between having my kids and although I found it incredibly easy to maintain my weight (around BMI 22) without having to think about it, I didn't necessarily like being that size. And going to the gym has made me more interested in developing my muscles, my strength, my fitness and a different sort of body type, not the sort of comfy/mumsy body I (feel like I) have at 10.5 stone. I know other people think I look fine at that size. I don't though

more later if anyone is still interested!

Im 5 foot 5 and 11 stone and dont feel comfy or mumsy in fact i feel darn sexy and have been told i am

but i accept that everyone feels different.

Uhtred, yes, nervous as in giggling, saying " I mustn't!" And "Oh go on then", " oh maybe yes, no. No. i won't. ", that's what I mean.

I am not in the habit of pushing biscuits/cakes on people, I am not a feeder.

Baby ganoush that doesn't sound too odd by your colleague - some people are just indecisive! There was a woman at my work (very slim) who went over to say happy birthday to someone who had brought in donuts. She picked up a donut and turned to walk back to her desk. She took a bite- her face looked distraught and then she put the donut in the bin ( out of sight of birthday girl) I thought that was odd behaviour although this particular woman was known for odd behaviour generally.

the trouble is when you work in an office its

a. always someones birthday

b. multiply that fact even more if its a big office.
c its a sedentary job.

You could have several birthdays in a fortnight.

That's true Helena but I've never felt pressurised to partake in the eating of sweet treats - no one would take offence if you didn't. I generally didn't other than when I was pregnant and hence I gained 3 stone with each of my 2 pregnancies and was borderline with gestational diabetes but luckily just under both times

I was only pressurized the once (i posted it upthread) it hasnt happened since. I live in a small town People have seen me get smaller. So they tend not to.

My mum does the pressurising to eat thing - it's really infuriating. Not with unhealthy things but just generally. I think it's less acceptable to do that now - plus there are loads of people who don't eat say gluten or dairy etc that people tend to be understanding and don't get offended if you don't partake.

I have a friend i went to school with who is the size i used to be years ago when i first started to lose weight. She wants a diet that works and is not too expensive. Shes asked this question twice on our fb feed now. She did a VLCD before and it got weight off really quickly but she regained after.

i told her in the nicest way i could (i only give advice when asked for it) that you have to think long term and think of it as a healthy eating plan for life. And that weight loss is better slow and steady. I wasnt the only one saying this We got no replies + no likes. When she was doing the VLCD she would sometimes have big losses of 6 pounds a week but she would think it had failed if she lost a smaller amount like 1 or 2 pounds or it plateaued.

Its taken me nearly 3 years to lose the 4 stone REgain and two years ago her bigger losses coming down my feed would sometimes make me feel like i wasnt doing quite good enough. My losses were a pound and a half a fortnight , sometimes 2 to 3 pounds a month but i just got on with it because thats just the way it is for some. The great by product of a slower weight loss is that i dont gain weight easily now if at all.

But my friend has asked the same question twice now Its like she was expecting a different answer the second time.

The environment we live in is partly to blame. Fast weight loss is promoted and peddled at us all the time.

Agreed helena. Problem is if everyone did it your way the diet industry needs it's yoyo dieters to be so profitable.

There isn't any money to be made from someone learning correct nutrition, making small gradual changes, and having healthy bodies they like.

Tell them to eat a level of carbs far below their needs and they lose it fast. And then either give up and are back to try again. Or they stick with it, lose lots of lean muscle and little fat, and because the scales say it works, they think if they keep going the actual problem, i.e excess fat will eventually be solved. Tell people to eat a level of complex carbs consistent with their needs, and slowly reduce the sugar, and it works too well for profit.

Or tell them eating as many mugshits etc as they want is ok. Yes they lose weight if they were previously eating Mars bars, but it doesn't address the cause, the habit of eating when you aren't hungry.

And of course the overwhelming cause, mh.

Helena "But my friend has asked the same question twice now Its like she was expecting a different answer the second time."

Yes totally agree with this. People think there is a magic trick! They are all after the 'secret answer' - the truth is it's slow and boring.

Massive congratulations on your slow, steady, successful and sustainable weight loss

Also, income from branded weight-loss food in supermarkets? I've looked at the ingredients before and I wasn't impressed. Heinz cans of soup and such that may say "low fat" and "2 pro points" but are terribly overpriced. You're paying for it being in a slightly smaller can (so no left-overs) and for its value on your plan having been calculated for you.

Not much money for the diet industry in "eat food, not too much of it, mostly plants" but there very much is in "eat our branded foods, not too much of it"

I don't know anyone who's serious about weight loss/maintaining a low weight who buys that crap. I know I don't. I think it's part of the 'lip service culture' I mentioned above - people buying branded 'weightwatchers' or similar food products and then having garlic bread on the side and ice cream for dessert

The diet industry deliberately gives out mixed messages on losing weight, because it's not in their long term interest for people to successfully maintain a lower weight.

So I used to go to Weight Watchers and whilst what was preached made sense well I assume it was I never bothered staying for the dull as dishwater meetings as it was reducing calories, increasing fruit and veg intake and taking more exercise. However WW made a lot of their profits from flogging vile snack bars which were pumped full of aspartame and other "fake ingredients" which pretty much sabotaged any long term attempts to keep off weight if you ate them as they send your blood sugars hay wire and send all sorts of confusing message to your brain about sweet foods.

The overall message from a lot of places is it's not ok to be happy with your body - you see it in the magazines where celebrities who were a perfectly normal attractive shape suddenly lose weight to be "bikini ready" .

Surely for the OP if this is a weight that she has maintained for a long period of time and it's within the generally accepted guidelines, then far healthier for her to stay at that weight than start yo-yo dieting, as 90-95% of dieters end up more than their original weight.

Firstly - I would just grin and bear it or make a joke out of her comments personally. She is old and this issue around dieting is her issue, not yours. It was rude but in my experience old people say offensive, non-PC things sometimes and I tend to just gloss over it or smile and politely disagree.
With regard to size vs weight thing. Different weights also suit people differently. I am 5'7". My weight has been just under 10 stone when I definitely looked gaunt, ill and less attractive, right up to 16 stone when clearly I looked over weight. The weight that I definitely look and feel my best at is between 11 - 11 and a half stone. This is weight where I can wear anything and look good, when I have had the most compliments from men and women and the weight that I have felt the most confident at. At that weight (which I am not at the moment but am aiming for again) I am a large size 10 or a small size 12 but in no way would anyone think I was over weight at that size. I would definitely prefer to have boobs and a bum and be a size 10-12 as that is what suits me, my style, my look and my bone structure. I appreciate that Proteus and others who are a size 8 or smaller and suit being skinny would not want to be my ideal weight but everyone is different. 11 stone with my frame does not give me a mumsy acceptable figure, it gives me a top shop ready, crop top in Ibiza figure (not that I do those things now but am trying to make my point!) so it doesn't make sense to project your ideal weight projections onto others.

Having lurked throughout the thread I want to say that anyone, elderly relative or not, is rude if they comment in public about someone else's weight. And it's impossible for us to know whether the OP is fat or not. But what I do find deeply worrying is the normalising of overweight. Many people who think their weight is OK go on to develop type 2 Diabetes: that's horrible for them and it's a looming disaster for the NHS. There needs to be greater awareness of the hidden sugar in food and drink.
Proteus has spoke a lot of sense and doesn't deserve all the negative comments. She is absolutely right that many people put their heads in the sand about the amount they are actually consuming.

that should say spoken not spoke obviously.
Seem to have killed the thread anyway :-D

I think proteus might have had less negative replies if she had not run my height/weight through a bmi calculator within a few minutes of starting the post to tell me I was nearly overweight - I know that, hence the over sensitivity. She has made some good points but weight is often a sensitive subject and I didn't realise quite how this thread would go particularly with reference to whether or not I'm a size 8 and it's very easy to feel personally attacked by someone's opinions.