I'm NOT fat

[TheJollyPostmansWife]

Name change as about to give all details as too late to text friends for advice. Visiting DHs family today, out for lunch where I had a prawn salad. After I finished I reached over to nick a bit of my dds bread and as I did so My DHs grandmother piped up 'not watching your figure then?'. This is not the first time she has been rude about my weight and to be honest I am really pissed off. We see them very rarely and I don't think she has any right to make personal comments at all - last time she said something she suggested I would lose my looks and therefore my husband if I carried on the way I was. I don't think it's important as I don't think anyone should comment on others appearance but for context I go to the gym 3-5 times a week, walk the dog at least an hour every day and see a personal trainer weekly. I am five foot one, 9 stone 3 and size 8. I'm not normally so sensitive but I don't want to see the woman again, she is elderly and not in good health and adores my dds. Aibu to refuse to see her? I would never stop the dds but we live the other side of the country which is obviously limiting.

Heidi, I'm well jel

KatieKaboom "I reiterate that there are lots of lovely people on this thread. Including you, Proteus, I am certain. We all make Joe Hunts of ourselves in AIBU from time to time. It's our prerogative."

Er, cheers Katie, but I think I'll pass on the 'apology' that is actually an oh-so-subtle way of calling me a cunt again.

As for the 'thin privilege' argument - and speaking as someone who has been overweight, underweight, and normal weight - I find it really distasteful for people to take the discourse of privilege that has been used to fight prejudice about people's gender, sexuality and above all their race, and to use it to talk about not being able to buy clothes in the right shops, or about having to buy an extra seat on an aeroplane.

Racial privilege, white privilege, is a huge structure of oppression linked in with slavery, mass murder, genocide; even today black people can be killed in America more or less with impunity. To appropriate this to talk about being fat I think is completely wrong and offensive.

have a look at this blog - I thought this was satire when I first found it, but no, she's serious:
thisisthinprivilege.org/

I didn't apologise to you or purport to.

Sorry my mistake Katie, I thought you were apologising AND calling me a cunt, but I see you were just calling me a cunt.

Apols for the misunderstanding!

If you can't see the difference between "you've acted like a bit of a Joe Hunt on this thread but hey ho, we all do sometimes" and "you ARE a cunt, " well, it's hard to have a discussion with you.

Why on earth you think I should apologise to you is beyond me. Care to highlight what I said that caused you to swoon so?

I thought your extraction of apologies from several posters when you have been overwhelmingly unpleasant all thread long was a masterclass in manipulation, btw.

Aibu to refuse to see her? I would never stop the dds

Actually, as other posters have pointed out, you should not let DDs see her without you. Just in case she starts with similar comments about their eating and figures.

helena I'm sure you don't, and I'm sorry if you thought I was implying everyone is like that, they're not. Although you're wrong on the clothes- never had a long dress that wasn't made to measure, and clothes shopping is a nightmare, I'll take almost anything that fits

garlic that's your experience, not mine. If you genuinely think your appearance is the key to happiness, and like yourself enough to admit positives, then yes, being thin might be a lucky privilege. Growing up there were a hell of a lot more important things I would have preferred, that the majority of people, fat or thin, take for granted. Because for you it gave you pleasure, it doesn't give you the right to dismiss the fact that for me, it wasn't.

bibbity If I posted my stats I am sure dozens of posters would pop up telling me everything from the fact my bmi makes me underweight, to digs about skeletons. But if anyone said 'well, at that height and weight, even with a small frame you aren't far off being too thin' and everything else proteus said reversed, then no, I wouldn't be offended. I'll be the first to agree that for the vast majority of adult women, my bmi wouldn't be the ideal. And I would think it entirely reasonable for people to point out that my size isn't bang on slim, it's below that.

You're also missing the point that my recent post was on the subject of uninvited comments, my first in response to the thread title. And fwiw, I don't want a pity party on my weight, it may come as a suprise but for some women, our physiche isn't the key to our self esteem. Sorry if that disappoints.

"I will take almost anything that fits"

I know the feeling especially when it comes to blouses

garlic that's your experience, not mine. If you genuinely think your appearance is the key to happiness ... Because for you it gave you pleasure, it doesn't give you the right ...

You, Proteus and Uhtred have performed some quite stunning leaps of misunderstanding throughout this thread. The above assumption is just one of them. I'm not going to try and address it: there seems to be a cognitive rigidity here that means you'll filter anything I say until it matches your perception.

I'm sorry to hear influences in your life have rendered you unable to appreciate your slim & elegant shape.

Heidi, I'm in your fan club!

Garlic I have never once anywhere said that I think appearance is the key to happiness. How dare you suggest that I have. I have also not once not anywhere suggested that my appearance gives me happiness. I'm broadly neutral about my appearance with a slight skew to disappointment (because if I was taller life would be easier. Nothing to do with clothes as such, incidentally, just interacting with the physical environment would be easier).

All I have done in this thread is counter some misapprehensions about how bloody easy it must be to be small, how wonderful life must be and how vanity sizing is a myth (it isn't). That's it. I agreed with the OP that her relative was horrible. I agreed that people shouldn't pass comments about other peoples' appearance and I haven't done that myself either in this thread or anywhere else. I haven't banged on about what's healthy and what's not, I haven't opined about exercise or muscle or lack of either. I haven't even joined in the volume/mass/weight semantic argument. But I did out myself as small and for that you have ripped in to me. Thus proving my underlying point that a lot of people in this world are basically shits.

You are missing the point garlic. When other people comment, we all filter it based on our self esteem and our own perception and experiences. And if you don't think much of yourself, you'll see the negative, not the positive. In the same way as if I said 'massive arse' people who fit that description don't all think 'yes, I look like Kim kardashian'. With low self worth it becomes 'you are fat and I am judging you'. And if someone calls you no arse' unless you like yourself it doesn't become 'wow I'm a super model' it becomes 'you are skinny and I'm judging you for it'.

I am happy with my body now, but more because it's healthy and does what i want, not because of how it looks. Take the bikini figure thoughts up thread, it would be ridiculous to assume I would enjoy myself more at a beach because I meet someone else's bizarre criteria, than anyone wearing a larger bikini on the same beach.

Judging other women on their appearance is wrong, not on a sliding scale that directly correlates to clothes size.

I agree with your last post (17:57), Lurked.

I have never said that I think appearance is the key to happiness. How dare you suggest that I have.

I didn't.

GarlicSteak "Heidi, I'm in your fan club!"

Yes, a lot of people falling over themselves to praise Heidi, because she is in the weight category that's officially 'approved' on this thread - top end of healthy BMI and keeps fit.

I'm sure if she was a couple of stone heavier, the response would be the same too.

I wouldn't dream of posting pictures of me in my gym gear on this thread - I'm not even that skinny, but I am certain that it would be twisted into something else - showing off, body dysmorphia, thin privilege, promoting an unhealthy body type, etc.

Clearly Lurked should also not post pictures on this thread.

Which makes it clear enough I think that this is just about enforcing another type of 'this body is OK and this one isn't'. Some of the posts about 'thin privilege' are ridiculous and insulting.

Never mind all the issues I have with my own body - not nec weight-related, never mind that people might have other things they are insecure about, never mind the hard work and personal struggles that slim people go through too. No, we're all just privileged because we can buy jeans in River Island or something.

Has anyone on here criticised thin people? I understand you may be insulted elsewhere but to assume we would say unpleasant things about your body because you are thin quite frankly suggests to me that you haven't read what people have said. We've all been saying the OP isn't fat, based on her measurements. Heidi has the same BMI, we've agreed that she isn't fat. Why does this suggest we would say someone with a lower BMI is unattractively thin? Where on earth on this thread has anyone made derogatory comments about thin people? I know that I have kept banging on about the importance of NOT judging women's bodies. Why would you assume I'm only talking about larger bodies and would make free with the slurs for a thin person? Because I don't see where that has been implied on the thread unless I've missed it.

I've just read back through the most recent page to check. One poster has expressed a view that thin people are privileged and don't experience the same level of abuse as far people for their weight. She didn't say thin people are anorexic or have body dysmorphia. This thread does NOT reinforce the view that one body shape is better than another. Sayin it's ok to have a BMI of 24 is NOT the same as saying a BMI of 20 is horrible or unhealthy, not at all.

Perhaps not you Laser but there were posts upthread about 'thin privilege' for example Felicia 's reposts from her cousin's Facebook, and this from Garlic :

But you do have a privilege, Lurked. Not all the privileges I'm sure, but the privilege of having a body that is naturally like the one we're all supposed (indeed, expected and forcefully encouraged) to have. There are billion-dollar industries built on women's struggles for a body like yours. Women have surgeries to achieve a shape more like yours.

It's a privilege because your shape just happens to be the one held up as ideal - therefore, you don't suffer the intense pressures felt by other women to hate their own bodies and to morph into something else.

I promise you I have read the thread, even if I've missed the odd post here and there.

It's not that I think posters would say that a slim body is 'unattractive' - that's not what I said. I said it wouldn't be well received if I posted pics because it would be seen as showing off, or promoting an unhealthy body type - just look at the other similar thread (about Sadiq Khan) where (some) posters have said things such as 'having visible ribs is disgusting' and that even showing a slim woman's body is 'fat shaming'.

This. I am wearing size 10s in some cases as 12's are too baggy. I am 5ft4ins and 10.9 stone. When I was at uni over 10 years ago and weighed 8 stone 5 at this height I found size 8s tight and bought 10s.

The clothes size analysis is just so dull. I am 5'10" and weigh 10st7 and have for many years apart from childbearing times. When I was at uni (20 years ago, I'm much older) I was a 12. I am now a 10, generally. BUT guess what if I venture into Topshop or Miss S I am a (drumroll please) 12..... Now let me think where were my clothes all from when I was 20? Ah right yes.

Clothes size means jack shit. BMI means precious little. The OP isn't fat but even if she was the granny shouldn't make ridiculous comments about her weight.

I didn't fall over myself to praise Heidi because she's the top end of her BMI

I thought it was good for people to see that you can be a heavier weight & not, by default be 'fat'.

Every single weight/size thread on MN posters express disbelief that someone can't possibly be a certain size because they're the same weight and they're much smaller/bigger.

Heidi's pic just proved that people carry weight differently & body shape, being muscular & being fit makes a difference.

There's loads of posters on MN that I have seen on other weight related threads who are very petite, who are perfectly 'normal' at the lower end of the BMI range & look very big at the higher end - there are also loads who are the opposite.

I was actually most impressed with Heidi's thighs tbh - they look amazingly strong.

Again, the overriding message on the SK thread is not that the woman's body is offensive but that the slogan is offensive. That has been repeated over and over from the very start of the thread. Why would we think you were showing off and not Heidi? And this thread isn't the same as the SK one, no one on here has said ribs are disgusting. We've talked about the intense pressure on women to conform to a certain body shape - which is thin and tall. That pressure does exist and I think fat people are held in greater contempt than thin people by society in general BUT the problem resides with those who think they have the right to judge a woman's body full stop. This thread has not been about judgement of women's bodies, it's been about the judgement of people who feel free to comment rudely on it. So I think it's highly unlikely that on this thread you would have been criticised for your appearance. A picture of you wouldn't be so relevant as of Heidi though, nor would a picture of someone two stone heavier. She was illustrating what someone with the OP's proportions can look like, that's all.

Proteus I'm sorry but you are guessing at what people might say if you were to post a picture . And you are filtering what you read on the SK thread, no one has said that having a picture of a slim woman on billboards is fat shaming-it is the body (you know, that body that we are all meant to have or aspire to ?), coupled with the tag line 'are you beach body ready?' that makes it so, this has been stated repeatedly.

I only read a bit if the Sadiq Khan thread Porteus, it got too fat vs thin and a bit mean.

There are so many body shapes out there, no one shape is without its problems.

It's the airbrushing, cleverly contoured make-up and ubiquitous fake boobs etc that make it so difficult for people to feel OK in their own skin nowadays.

Mango I don't know about you but it's always other women's bodies in the real world that made me feel worse about myself, not celebs/models, who never seemed to have anything to do with reality even when I was a teenager.

sleep I must go cut toenails/read bedtime stories now so I can't pull out some of the quotes from that other thread (and it's probably bad etiquette anyway) but some people on it have definitely criticised the model's actual body, not all of them with reference to the slogan.

It's disingenuous to say that the physical appearance of celebrities and models don't feed into the insecurities of girls and women and fuel the judgement and criticism of their bodies and treatment of them as public property.

The fact that other posters on another thread have criticised a model's body, (not a majority view even on the thread) leaves quite a startling logic leap to imagining that posters on this thread would be rude about your body.