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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'm NOT fat

705 replies

TheJollyPostmansWife · 10/06/2016 23:03

Name change as about to give all details as too late to text friends for advice. Visiting DHs family today, out for lunch where I had a prawn salad. After I finished I reached over to nick a bit of my dds bread and as I did so My DHs grandmother piped up 'not watching your figure then?'. This is not the first time she has been rude about my weight and to be honest I am really pissed off. We see them very rarely and I don't think she has any right to make personal comments at all - last time she said something she suggested I would lose my looks and therefore my husband if I carried on the way I was. I don't think it's important as I don't think anyone should comment on others appearance but for context I go to the gym 3-5 times a week, walk the dog at least an hour every day and see a personal trainer weekly. I am five foot one, 9 stone 3 and size 8. I'm not normally so sensitive but I don't want to see the woman again, she is elderly and not in good health and adores my dds. Aibu to refuse to see her? I would never stop the dds but we live the other side of the country which is obviously limiting.

OP posts:
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TaraCarter · 13/06/2016 23:19

It would be so nice if dress-sizes weren't treated as if they're of moral significance rather than a rough and ready guide to how much fabric was used in each garment, compared to others in the same design, wouldn't it? Ooh, you're an x? Too thin! A y? You heifer!

But a comparative measure of fabric is really all they are, which is why I bought a size 14 and a size 12 shirt this morning, while my favourite top (tapers to a slim waist but is cut to accommodate a larger bust than I have!) is a size 10.

I do find it fascinating when I find out that women of a greater weight and height fit into a smaller/same size than me, but all it shows is that:
a) human biology is fascinating- muscle and fat tissue distribution, variation in bone density and size. For example, ribcage size and wideset hipbones.

b) fashion and human taste varies massively. I know that "vanity sizing" is a catchphrase, but sometimes it's just about style. In my case, kimono-sleeve dresses, and things with batwing sleeves seem to work for my body shape in a lower number size than do skinny-fit high-necked jumpers. Grin

(I just wish I could go back and tell my self-conscious teenage self that and to bloody stop trying to buy over-priced high-necked tents to minimise my breasts. Does. Not. Work. They're not even that big, but they flipping looked it by the time I was done.)

UhtredRagnorsson · 13/06/2016 23:33

Felicia clothing is not geared towards slimmer people we have been sized out of the high street due to vanity sizing but there's really no point talking to people who are determined not to listen. It's quite clear that some people demand consideration for themselves but would rather die than extend it to others. No point hanging round in this thread any longer.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 13/06/2016 23:39

Determined not to listen? What, you mean the way you dismiss all the other bits I have written about how it's wrong to comment on anyone's body? Quote me where I have said some people don't deserve consideration.

Alrighty then. You're as entitled to your opinion as I am to mine.

GarlicSteak · 13/06/2016 23:44

Wow, Felicia. Your cousin is amazing :)

HelenaDove · 13/06/2016 23:49

YY Garlic Felicia your cousin is eloquent and insightful.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 13/06/2016 23:56

She is, isn't she? Smile

Lurkedforever1 · 14/06/2016 00:01

My experience is the same as uhtred. Except I'm tall and thin with a slight frame, which is the ultimate sin to many women. My scars, what I've been through, how I feel, none of those matter because I'm thin & tall so I should count myself lucky. I've been told in a friendly voice by more than one person that they were suprised when they got to know me that I'm not vain or bitchy. Because of course, my personality should be assumed to be vile till proven otherwise based on my physiche. And it's not even the deliberately rude remarks. It's the casual God you're skinny/ I wouldn't have thought you ate that much/ aren't you strong, you look like you'd snap in the breeze/ I have hips/ your legs are smaller than my arms/ you have big boobs for someone so skinny etc etc. Along with all the shit you read and hear everyday about skeletal celebrities, all thin people are starving themselves, bones aren't attractive, real women, prepubescent and so on.

And of course if you ever say no to any offering of food, you are clearly anorexic. Eat loads, and you're bulimic. You aren't allowed esteem or confidence issues, or to have experienced misery or hard times, because you're thin, therefore can't possibly have had anything but a charmed life.

Even the fact I have a lot of lean muscle, and have always been very fit and sporty isn't 'allowed' and invites comments on how suprising it is I'm so strong/fast/agile etc when I look scrawny. And of course i must also be mentally weak and dependent.

None of the assumptions are true, and tbh I figured out a long time a go that they come from their insecurity, misplaced envy, ignorance or general twattishness, that they wouldn't direct at someone bigger because that's something they have empathy with. Skinny women are fair game. And for skinny ideal in the media, there's 100 people in rl, that you meet everyday making snide comments about them.

I do agree that being called fat by passers by is undeniably cunty, but it's just as unacceptable to call someone skeletal. And unlike if an aquaintance said 'my, what great meaty arms you have, you're so fat, just feel the size of them June', when someone says 'my, your wrists are so tiny and bony, you're so skinny, feel this June it's like a twig', society wouldn't agree 'fuck off cunt' is a reasonable response. The same people who happily make skinny digs, are the same people who wouldn't dream of saying to someone bigger 'oh, a salad and exercise? I'd have thought you sat about mainlining pies'. And it's those double standards that annoy me.

HelenaDove · 14/06/2016 00:26

Lurked ive never made those kinds of comments to any one whos slim You are tall and slim ....that is your natural build ( you can buy long dresses without having to worry about having them taken up Smile ) I tell you what i get off my old college acquaintance . I get weight loss advice ,told i shouldnt wear floral skirts or trench coats. Years ago when i was at slimming world the first time and 9 and a half stone down at that point she actually came (for one class) and actually sat there and said to us "if anyone needs any weight loss tips im only too happy to help" Confused shes 5 stone overweight and keeps making digs at me WHY?! I would never dream of doing this.

GarlicSteak · 14/06/2016 00:27

But you do have a privilege, Lurked. Not all the privileges I'm sure, but the privilege of having a body that is naturally like the one we're all supposed (indeed, expected and forcefully encouraged) to have. There are billion-dollar industries built on women's struggles for a body like yours. Women have surgeries to achieve a shape more like yours.

It's a privilege because your shape just happens to be the one held up as ideal - therefore, you don't suffer the intense pressures felt by other women to hate their own bodies and to morph into something else.

No-one should have to suffer intrusive remarks, prods and assaults because of their body shape, of course. The fact that women do suffer them, no matter how 'perfect' their physique, is a big feminist issue. But saying that your suffering's just as bad is a little like "white people suffer racism too" and "women beat men too". It is true as far as it goes, while denying the existence of prejudiced inequality.

Due to the nature of this thread, it feels necessary to let you know I'm not coming from a place of envy. I'm tall and my natural shape is athletic (yes, I was a model). I'm only fat now due to age & disability; I'm at peace with it.

GarlicSteak · 14/06/2016 00:33

Helena, I'm afraid it just makes me laugh when people are as self-deluding as your friend! I'm sure I should feel concerned or something but ... how on earth did you keep a straight face? Grin

HelenaDove · 14/06/2016 00:42

I think she has issues Garlic so ive let it slide. But im now starting to get fed up with it.

GarlicSteak · 14/06/2016 00:48

I'd suggest you tell her you don't want her fashion or weight loss advice. And say it like you mean it. The old-fashioned phrase "When I want your opinion on my appearance, I'll ask for it!" might come in handy here.

HelenaDove · 14/06/2016 00:51

Yep Im going to do that next time. Smile

Simmi1 · 14/06/2016 00:55

I'm one of those who has constantly struggled with my weight since my late teens and have forever been on a diet. I was with an ex 10yrs ago and suddenly started noticing that I could eat "normally" and not put on weight. So I started ordering pizzas etc and thought - hooray at last. The ex noticed my change in ordering habits even though I was not gaining weight (I was actually losing weight and felt really good) and told me that women should eat salads, with dressing on the side, to maintain their figures Shock. Anyway it transpired through a routine health check that I had developed an over active thyroid, was put on medication and then the weight came back along with the obsession with my weight Sad. I am not at the top end of the normal bmi and am constantly struggling to get it back down.

HelenaDove · 14/06/2016 01:05

As your ex wanted you to live on lettuce leaves even though you wernt gaining weight (and even if you were still none of his business) that proves it was all about controlling you but because you wernt gaining weight he just wanted to make sure you wernt enjoying your food too much.

Did he toss the salad for you as he was obvs a tosser!

Simmi1 · 14/06/2016 02:34

Thanks Helena, I think he was just worried in case I did put on weight given the audacity of ordering food other than lettuce leaves😆

HelenaDove · 14/06/2016 02:44

He had no right to police your body like that Absolutely no right.

Im expecting more of it tomorrow My college acquaintance (i wont use the word friend because friends dont behave as she does) will be shopping in town around the same time as me and there will be a small cake in my trolley (its my birthday on Wednesday ) and i know she will make something of it.

Im glad you are not with him anymore Simmi hes an arse.

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/06/2016 05:52

TLDR..

Even if the OP was gigantic, still rude of Gma to comment.

OP clearly is not gigantic or anywhere near it, but this is wholly irrelevant, making snidey comments about other peoples size/weight is not on, or even not snidey ones if not ASKED to share ones opinion.

Btw - muscle is denser than fat - of COURSE a pound of fat weighs the same as a pound of muscle - a pound of feathers weighs the same as a pound of frigging lead.. a pound of marshmallows weighs the same as a pound of lard... a pound of anything weighs a bloody pound.

Weight, and density are not the same thing - a pound of lead would take up very little space compared to a pound of feathers. A pound of fat takes up much more physical space (has more mass) than a pound of muscle (which is denser)...

LaserShark · 14/06/2016 07:43

The comments about the remarks slim people get about their bodies just reinforces the points made upthread that women's bodies are considered public property. That their function is to be attractive and decorative and therefore anyone is free to talk about them and the extent to which they live up to the required standard.

Personally, I hate it when people comment that I've lost weight. I hate talking diets. I don't comment o other women's bodies and I don't expect people to comment on mine but they do. It feels intrusive, patronising and a reminder that a woman's body is something to be scrutinised. Whether it is the OP's grandma feeling entitled to remind women to stay slim, someone shouting out of a van window or someone marvelling at a slight person's tiny wrists and dismissing them as a salad obsessed control freak, it is NOT acceptable.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 14/06/2016 08:29

Widdlin - your point about fat/muscle/density/weight/lead/feathers has been made several times on this thread.

Why don't people read the thread? Just why??

bibbitybobbityyhat · 14/06/2016 08:33

LurkedForever1
if you hate this whole thing where strangers feel free to make comments and judgements on other people's bodies, why did you agree so emphatically with ProteusRising within minutes of her first post? Your pity party seems rather hypocritical to me.

MangoMoon · 14/06/2016 08:58

Your cousin is ace Felicia!

Agree btw - all women are 'real' women, we come in all shapes & sizes.

HeavyHeidi · 14/06/2016 08:59

I just weighed myself this morning and as I remembered this thread, also calculated my BMI for fun. 24.4. I'm fatter than OP, borderline overweight. This is what a borderline overweight body looks like.

While I'm not exactly skinny and fragile, I don't think I'm really in grave, immediate danger of obesity-related diseases. And if someone happens to ask if I'm not watching my weight if I decide to have a piece of bread, I will happily tell them that 'Yes I am. Just checked, it's all still there, thanks for your concern'. Grin

I'm NOT fat
I'm NOT fat
LaserShark · 14/06/2016 08:59

bibbety, it's even been illustrated with photographic evidence Grin.

LaserShark · 14/06/2016 09:02

Was referring to the fat/muscle thing btw.

Heidi, what a perfectly demonstrated point of how fantastic a woman with a BMI at the higher end of normal can look.

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