Rude wedding invitation?

[PumpkinPies38]

I have NC for this as could out me.

Today we received a wedding invitation and I think it's grabby but it's from a cousin and am not rally in a position to say anything.

So the first thing is it's a two day celebration in another county within the UK. They have said we have to pay our share of the venue accommodation which is £120 for our room and included their bank details for this!

Then at the bottom of the invitation it says: "Gift cards or cash gifts only please."

I've spoken to my mum who is but thinks we shouldn't say anything to upset them but I want to call them on this. We couldn't really stay at a different location as its in the middle of nowhere. Surely they should pay the accommodation? Realistically we would need two nights as the thing starts early on the Saturday and continues into Sunday night with various meals and games. I want to call them on it but don't know if I should or not.

you can only deposit money when you have an account number and sort code you can't withdraw so that's safe.

Didn't Clarkson think that so put his details in the paper only to find his account emptied?

But op, you don't have to stay! Contact local tourist board and see if there are small B&Bs nearby and ask about taxi services.

I think it'll annoy you unless you can find another option and either don't stay over or find the other option doesn't work so have actively chosen to stay .

Or are there self catering places for rent nearby? Get a group together and hire a minibus!

Didn't Clarkson think that so put his details in the paper only to find his account emptied?
If you have the name, address and code/account number you cans set up a direct debit and her found this out fairly quickly.

he, not her!

I get that people think it's a grabby invite. I get that people think it's assumptive and crass.

But in the end, this really smacks of cutting your nose off to spite your face.

If you want to celebrate your cousin's wedding day,
if you want to spend a weekend with your family and friends,
if you want to have a lovely time in a fun castle (and probably enjoy the games after a few drinks, in spite of yourself!)
and if you only want to pay £240 for accommodation for 2 nights and not have to worry about taxis

Then you should go. Because a few weeks/years down the line, you will regret the view from your high horse.

If you don't want any of those things above, because of a poorly worded invite, then absolutely decline.

Good job Boobz totally agree.

I was rather taken aback at the invite we received for cousins wedding last year. Worded a bit more subtly but similar room cost and asking for cash none the same.

So glad we went and paid for our hotel and gave a good cash gift. The wedding was lovely, we were fed twice and I caught up with family and everyone had a lovely day.

We actually only live once.

I had an exclusive use venue for my wedding and whilst I encouraged guests to stay there (selling the benefits, eg could party late, breakfast together the next morning) it certainly wasn't compulsory (even though the Mumsnet jury did slate me for it anyway) and several guests chose to stay at cheaper venues nearby.

I think B/G should offer alternatives if they aren't going to pay themselves, or expect declines.

And a lot of wedding threads on Mumsnet, where the Bride and Groom are being obviously more grabby, the general consensus seems to be to have a wedding which you can afford.

If you want to hire an exclusive use venue, then fine, but if the only way you can afford that venue is for your guests to then have to stay at that venue (if as the OP says there are no other accommodation options within a reasonable distance), then you should have looked somewhere cheaper and probably closer to home.

Ofc, as a guest, you should pay for your own accommodation, but I would probably balk at being told that I had no choice as to where to stay, and I would feel like I was somewhat contributing to the Bride and Grooms choice of very expensive wedding venue.

But at the end of the day, it depends how much you want to go and celebrate your cousins wedding.

What happens though, If like you, a lot of the other guests are put off going, due to cost, distance etc....do the Bride and Groom then have to suck up the costs and could they afford to do so. Seems like a risk to take.

When we got married 10 years ago in a small country house hotel, which was actually just outside the city we lived in, I think it had only 20-25 rooms, and they stated they would not book anyone not in the wedding party into the hotel on that night (yet we certainly did not have to pay for the rooms ourselves and then claw back the money). A lot of our guests were from the city we live in, but my family travelled from my home city, so we paid for their hotel rooms for the wedding night, as they had already paid a lot just getting to us. The hotel had said anyone else wishing to book, had to ring and say they were of the wedding party and they got a discount too. I think on the day of the wedding they had only 4 rooms left empty, as a lot of people had decided to stay, and they left those open, in case some guests decided to book on the day, as a couple of people ended up doing so, so only 2 empty rooms. Not sure when this exclusive use business started. I loved the hotel we got married at.

So I wonder what will happen if they have a large bill for unused rooms? Will they ask guests for extra?!

Re the cash/ gift card request bit, I don't think there's anything wrong with this as long as it isn't compulsory, and the money goes towards a honeymoon. This is what we did when we got married, as we'd moved in together a year before and still had two of everything (including toasters) and no need of anything from a wedding list. Plus we lived in a (stuffed) one bedroom flat!

It is grabby to not give guests the choice of whether they give a gift or not, though.

Why don't people want to pay for their own honeymoon anymore?! Why is it my responsibility as a guest?

Alconleigh it's nobody's responsibility, at least nobody should feel it is - as far as I'm concerned any sort of wedding gift (cash or otherwise) is a nice gesture if guests want to give a couple something. Surely the main thing is celebrating with people you love :)

Why are people confusing this with paying for accommodation?

The bride and groom are asking everyone to club together and pay for the venue!

It's nuts, but try these two approaches:

"Hey everyone, we're getting married and we'd love to hire out this lovely castle to celebrate for 2 days. It would mean we all have to club together to hire the place out, but it would be more of a bargain than if we married in town and you all had to get hotels. But we understand this might not suit everyone so please let us know who likes this option to help us decide."

or

"We are getting married in an exclusive venue we can't afford ourselves, but it's already booked so here is how to pay."

'I'm torn between going and resenting the rudeness, or not going and offending and upsetting half of the family. I hate having to indulge what I see as bad behaviour just because someone is getting married, and treating rude people with kid gloves in order not to cause myself even more hassle and offend.'

It would be a no brainer for me. I would decline and if family got upset, that's their lookout. Enabling behaviour like this is what causes more and more of it.

'But in the end, this really smacks of cutting your nose off to spite your face.'

How? Imagine if you didn't have the money to pay for that? Plenty of people don't want to celebrate a grabby, rude pair of so-and-so's, family or not.

Yabbu. We simply don't have the facts. Catering is on top of the cost of the venue and it isn't normal for guests to pay for their food. So this assumption that the B&G are asking for subsidies for the venue may well be a massive leap.

I do think the pragmatic approach of getting a bit of a consensus from close family would have been a good idea as laid out in your post. However, this is now academic.

Why are people confusing this with paying for accommodation?
The bride and groom are asking everyone to club together and pay for the venue.

Did I miss where the invite said the op was only allowed to come if ahe stayed at the venue? When we got married we included details of the accommodation available there- a special deal for wedding guests at £80 per night. Was that poor etiquette? Everyone was travelling to the wedding and needed somewhere to stay-should we have paid? Absolutely no one complained. The invite could have been worded better to make sure no one felt obliged to use the castle accommodation but I don't think it's that different from what we did.

Oh for goodness' sake. I did that for my wedding too.

There is pressure on guests to pay up for the wedding venue, not only for a host of practical reasons, but an implied pressure that the couple will lose money if guests don't cough up.

It's not "there are X rooms available at a great price and here is the phone number if you want to book" (which is absolutely fine and considerate)

It's "we have already paid for the venue for exclusive use without consulting anyone and here are our bank details"

That's true Janecc, we don't.

My friend had her wedding at a hire out whole venue hall type place

In the save the date was something along the lines of 'we have 30 rooms available let me know ASAP if you wish to reserve etc' They included list of other nearish establishments also. To be honest it was for one night and they rooms were 80 as they had subsidised them. We were quite happy to pay.

I was shocked when my friend told me that the owners said you can charge what you want for the rooms if you want to make a bit extra!!

My friend thought it was awful

I do agree, I don't like the way the venue is carrying out their business. At my age now, I personally would have been looking elsewhere. I would rather give the b&g the benefit of the doubt and assume they've been wrapped up in all the excitement of the wedding. Odds on they're a fair way from being my age (45) and simply haven't thought it through.

Wow, there are some weddings where the bride and groom pay for accomodation? I need some of these rich friends clearly!

Oh and you can buy them a gift if you really want to. I find it fine to do cash or gift cards, prefer it even, shopping is a stress, and that isn't really that different to a gift registry is it? And with a registry you may end up having to buy a more expensive item than you would have paid with cash, if they don't have much cheap on there!

It's supposed to be about the love isn't it, not the Magimix?

Well, that's a relatively modern idea really. Marriage was about cementing alliances between families and money and securing the bloodline. Not about love and romance at all.

You either go or decline though. Is the £120 per person per night or the cost for a couple for two days. The later sounds quite reasonable, and I'm a bit of a curmudgeon about weddings these days after being invited to the evening reception of a family wedding several hundred miles away between Christmas and New Year. I sent a polite decline.

YABU about the rooms. If you don't want to pay don't go, entirely up to you.
If you enjoy spending time with family and joining them for a party then i'm afraid its you that will miss out on a lovely weekend.

The gift thing is pretty rude and I would either not take anything or buy a nice gift.

I've always paid for my own accommodation but never been told where to stay! Usually the bride and groom will give you a list of nearby places where you could stay and include the venue if there are rooms there. No-one should be forced to stay at the venue if they don't want to - or can't afford to.

As for asking for cash, which seems to be getting more and more common nowadays, I think that is pretty tacky. By all means give them something they want and need but they could arrange a wedding list at Peter Jones or their local equivalent. When I did my list I made sure there were presents on their for under £10 so no-one would feel uncomfortable. I had fabulous presents which were very generous and expensive but I also had a little mustard pot which cost £2 and I was just as grateful for that.