Rude wedding invitation?

[PumpkinPies38]

I have NC for this as could out me.

Today we received a wedding invitation and I think it's grabby but it's from a cousin and am not rally in a position to say anything.

So the first thing is it's a two day celebration in another county within the UK. They have said we have to pay our share of the venue accommodation which is £120 for our room and included their bank details for this!

Then at the bottom of the invitation it says: "Gift cards or cash gifts only please."

I've spoken to my mum who is but thinks we shouldn't say anything to upset them but I want to call them on this. We couldn't really stay at a different location as its in the middle of nowhere. Surely they should pay the accommodation? Realistically we would need two nights as the thing starts early on the Saturday and continues into Sunday night with various meals and games. I want to call them on it but don't know if I should or not.

I don't see a problem with the invite at all. They may have prebooked the entire venue, so obviously they will offer rooms to the guests, and when you plan a wedding you already have a million and one things to do and questions to ask so putting the bank details on the invites is just efficient. There is no obligation to stay in the hotel, or even attend the wedding, they are just saying IF you do come and IF you would like to stay at the venue, here is how you do it. If all the rooms don't get booked they will have to cover the remaining costs themselves which I'm sure they've taken into account, it's a bit presumptuous to assume they're doing all this for a free castle.

As for the cash/gifts- if that's what you want or need them l don't see the problem. People think it's 'crass' and 'grabby' but I don't see how it's any different to saying "we have registered for gifts at one specific shop, oh and here is the very specific list of things you're allowed to buy us thanks." We did cash at our wedding which we put towards our honeymoon because we didn't need pots and pans, and trust me if you don't spell it out people still think they can ignore your request and turn up with a toaster even though you already have a toaster at home.

I think the use of the word 'please' might have helped.

I'm with you OP. It sounds entitled to me. If they'd checked the obligation to pay and stay with their most loved guests before booking the place then that would be better, but otherwise no. Just the assumption that everyone will spare 2 days for their wedding has annoyed me, let alone the requests for money.

I think we're all too precious about weddings and hen parties anyway. If people love you and want to celebrate your happiness, they will. If you have to stage-manage your crowd and dictate that they pay a cut to celebrate you, you ought to re-examine your priorities.

I'd have another pressing engagement.

I don't think you are expected to stay both days either OP - it's becoming increasingly the norm to be expected to entertain guests the following day after a wedding if a large percentage have had to travel - usually a BBQ at the house of either the brides or grooms parents (if they are getting married near them) or taking over a pub for brunch, or if in a hotel, often putting on a bit of a 'do' the next day - sort of accepting people have travelled a long way and might be nice to give them somewhere to go/something to do the next day after checking out of hotel before heading home. (and usually share horror stories about hangovers and drunken behaviour the B&G missed!)

They are arranging games etc, but it's not complusory, just supposed to be more hosting more than just one day if people have had to travel. This seemed to be very common with weddings I've gone to in Ireland, with the next day event seeming to take up almost as much cost as a simple English wedding (with hog roasts and caterers and stupid amounts of booze again!), although this might have more to do with that the weddings we've been to in Ireland have been for couples who live/work in London/other European cities but have "gone home" to get married so their parents feel they have to look after all those friends who've travelled from London/Berlin/Luxembourg/Zurich when the couple go off on honeymoon.

LIke other posters who've mentioned it, there is very likely alternative accommodation nearby. None of the castles in North Wales are remote from anywhere else.

Check www.booking.com to find a nearby place to stay before you make your decision perhaps?

You don't have to follow the convention of a dictat from the bore and groom over gifts, it's absolutely none of their business what you choose to give them.

Oh and I agree, they don't want you to buy them stuff - which is fine, you don't have to give them cash or anything if you don't want to, just don't buy them stuff they have to put somewhere.

I think you should pay for your own accommodation, I wouldn't expect it any other way. Even my bridesmaids paid for themselves, I couldn't have gotten married if I had to pay for all my guests.

I wouldn't send your bank details, just sort your own room.

As for the cash, if you feel just a card will do I'm sure they won't mind. I asked for cash too, it funded our honeymoon.

Don't be angry, this is all standard stuff these days.

I think £120 for a B&B in a nice place is very reasonable actually

So not the point. As pps have said invites usually suggest a range of different hotels and bnbs to suit different budgets.

For some people, factoring in the travel, outfits and present, it might be too much, and even if it's not, they still might not choose to spend that much on their accommodation. You can get a double room on Airbnb for about £50-60. Ok it may be a bit off the map for Airbnb, but Wales has plenty of cheap little bnbs in remote areas.

I don't see a problem with the invite at all.

The invitation is rude, presumptuous and gauche.

Requests for cash gifts are always vulgar, and including their bank details for the accommodation is so horribly vulgar it's actually funny.

I agree with you, GloriaGaynor, 'these days' doesn't mean that it isn't vulgar and crass to request cash gifts/include bank details. I mean, is the next step having an actual card-reading machine present at the reception? So one can give money without having to go to the bank first? Handy!

I think that if you invite, you're the host - and you pay. I know that some people slide in variations but the fact remains, the host pays. Anything else is not hosting or actually issuing an invitation.

I don't think £120 a night is unreasonable but sounds like the whole invite from accommodation to gifts was poorly handed. How much do you like them/want to go? If enough, go and don't make a fuss. If not, don't go and say nothing. They are family and it's their big day so I'd decide without addressing it with them.

Our wedding was at a college where there was accommodation available. We paid for hire and food during day and if people wanted to stay they could at a discount or book somewhere else or travel home. As for gifts we had a list but did not include it with invites as we felt this looked presumptuous. If people asked we gave them the details.

Personally I wouldn't go.

But you might find that everyone has a complete blast, all together as a family in a Welsh castle, playing silly games together with the place all to themselves, all for £120 + £present + travel + outfits(which you get to keep), and you end up regretting it not going.

You know your family though, whether this is likely . . . ?

Thank you for all the replies.

I don't want to name the castle for obvious reasons but to give context I've looked it up online and it's not a place you can hire out room by room and not a big grand touristy place. It's a small castle in the grounds of an estate hired out as a whole for events, corporate team building weekends or weddings etc. The whole thing is a weekend package deal and you couldn't go there and stay one night as a B&B. To me that makes it worse and makes me even more compelled to think B&G should be paying as it appears they've paid a fixed cost to hire the whole thing including rooms but not sure what you all think.

The fixed cost for two nights exclusive use is £12,000 approx with food and drink on top and according to the leaflet in the invitation there are 40 rooms.

I'm erring on the side of not going. I know this makes me seem a miserly misery guts but I feel so strongly about this and know I'd be peeved the whole weekend (during the games) as on principle I don't think it's right. DH thinks we should go and take them a toaster.

I'm genuinely baffled that you think they should pay for your hotel room. I've honestly never heard of this - will you be expecting them to cover your petrol costs too

I wouldn't go, Pumpkin, they don't want a toaster and whilst it may seem a funny idea now before the event, you would be embarrassed and they would probably make some pointed remark since their invitation has been so prescriptive.

People should have what they can afford; whether it's financing and paying it back over a period or whatever, cut your cloth to suit your means.

12000 ÷ 40 rooms is £300 each

Bride and groom are therefor paying £300 plus £60 per room X 40 (after the £240 deduted) £2400 -

So what else do you get? Breakfast lunch evening meal?

CodyKing

So effectively they've booked a £12,000 venue and are paying £2,400 for the venue. I know they'll then have extra costs on top but I just think guests are effectively paying for he venue. The place doesn't have a separate room rate so I don't know if it's good or bad value or if the couple are making as much as they possibly can back on the venue through the rooms.

So they're paying £2,400 for the function rooms and will be paying for catering and drinks on top.

I don't think the OP is quibbling about paying for accommodation to attend a wedding as such.

I think the point is that the B&G have overstretched themselves and are expecting "cashback" by insisting the guests stay in a castle the B&G are clearly unable to afford. And yes, they are insisting as they are providing bank details. Naturally guests can refuse to attend.

They shouldn't have picked a 12k venue if they have to rely on clawing some back for accommodation.

In other words they are asking guests to subsidize their dream wedding venue, rather than get married somewhere different, more convenient, more affordable and less exclusive.

Add on the fact that guests will have to pay for additional meals and drinks during the weekend, and you're looking at a wedding that will work out very spendy for the average guest. Oh and cash gifts only please.

Yes, it's grabby.

Then they've got to cater for their guests at say easily £100 per head per day plus drinks. If it were that and on an 80 guest capacity.

100 X 80 X 2 = £16k

I'm not saying these are the costs. But you said £12k plus food and drink. Whatever the actual cost, it puts your contribution more into perspective.

No, I don't think £120 for a night contribution is unreasonable. It just may not be what you choose to spend your money on.

MissBattleaxe. Did op say they'd have to pay for extra meals? I don't recall.

£12,000 divided by 40 is £300 per room so there are in effect getting the venue at a cost to them of £180 per room plus the cost of the wedding meal.
I don't think it's too bad

starts early on the Saturday and continues into Sunday night with various meals and games

Games?

And you're still considering going???????

I wonder what happens when people do decline. Not everyone will be able to afford the £120, travel, gift, clothing to attend.
Is it a pay up regardless thing.
At this stage this is what I would be trying to find out.