Rude wedding invitation?

[PumpkinPies38]

I have NC for this as could out me.

Today we received a wedding invitation and I think it's grabby but it's from a cousin and am not rally in a position to say anything.

So the first thing is it's a two day celebration in another county within the UK. They have said we have to pay our share of the venue accommodation which is £120 for our room and included their bank details for this!

Then at the bottom of the invitation it says: "Gift cards or cash gifts only please."

I've spoken to my mum who is but thinks we shouldn't say anything to upset them but I want to call them on this. We couldn't really stay at a different location as its in the middle of nowhere. Surely they should pay the accommodation? Realistically we would need two nights as the thing starts early on the Saturday and continues into Sunday night with various meals and games. I want to call them on it but don't know if I should or not.

I actually feel loads better knowing I'm not the only guest in this boat.

TooMuchMNTime I have sat through the lead up to too many weddings of colleagues. Normally professional, intelligent people totally losing the plot over wedding arrangements.

The problem is that a whole industry sprung up around getting people to spend the maximum money for the minimum substance.

Kmoggy, she did decline and now the bride is giving her a hard time. Do you seriously not consider that a "hassle" ? As well as presumptuous and rude of the bride.

Also, no matter how commonplace it becomes, demanding any sort of gift let alone cash from guests of one's hospitality is tacky beyond words.

And CarlGrimesMissingEye, your statement cracked me up! "I love wedding threads. I especially love an OP who isn't afraid to get the job done!"

Same here!

Oh dear, she's done all this the wrong way round.

You set your budget, think about your guests and what their budget is likely to be and plan your wedding accordingly - not book something miles away and throw a screaming fit when it doesn't go according to plan.

When we planned our wedding, every guest knew what was planned before they got an invite, and that gifts were optional etc, and dates had been planned around crucial family members plus timings to suit 3 year olds. None of which would have actually been our choice but we wanted our guests to turn up! And in the end everyone did apart from 3 because unfortunately Eid started a day early - which they had given us warning of and were lovely about.

She thinks she's thought of the guests by planning all the games and shit but not once has she considered asking if any of you actually like games, how much you really truly would choose to spend 48 hours in her company, costs of driving there, annual leave commitments and so on.

Stay strong OP, stay strong.

The hassle is the b&g presumed that everyone has a spare £240 down the side of the sofa to pay for accommodation they might not need.
The b&g rather than doing the adult
Thing and talking about this, went fuck it here is your bill.
Yes it's normal to pay for your own accommodation. But generally this is discussed beforehand.
The b&g took a huge gamble and are quickly finding out people don't want to pay this amount, and all the other costs to attend.

The fact that they may have to cancel the wedding because they cant afford it is proof that they should never have been so presumptuous of their guests. If they had asked you if you would be willing to pay that much before they booked it then it would be fair enough. But to just do it and then complain that not everyone wants to give over an entire weekend plus £240 for accommodation is just silly.

I've missed out here, if I'd charged my guests £250 each I could've had a free wedding too. I feel a right mug paying for it myself.

I would have made my mind up at lawn games.

How close are you to the b2b? It's an odd concept. I would happily pay for accommodation to a wedding but kind of agree with you that it's cheeky.

FIL is marrying soon and said we would be staying in the hotel and it's 97 quid. I thought it was a bit much but dp was fine with it. Then two weeks later it had gone up 20 quid. We decided it was too much. It was only when another family member suggested a generic hotel chain nearby. It sounds like FIL is doing this to us.

I don't think brides and grooms should have to pay for accommodation for their guests, but I do think that maybe people should have a little more consideration for their guests.

I felt the same about the only wedding invite I've had in the past couple of years, where they were getting married in the Philippines, which there was absolutely no way I could afford to go to.

Personally, when I got married, high on my list of "perfect wedding" wants was having all my friends and family, the people I cared about there. Therefore, I chose a location that was accessible, near enough to go home for lots of guests, with cheap accommodation options available for those who wanted or needed to stay. I find it quite odd that people seem to think having the perfect place is so much more important than having the right people there. You could have a boring, rubbish wedding in a spectacular location, equally you could have a really fun and special wedding with all those you love around you, in a really ordinary location. Or something in between. My point is, the people are more important than the place.

Gnome "The problem is that a whole industry sprung up around getting people to spend the maximum money for the minimum substance."

yes, but that's commerce...I mean if people are going to be that sheep-like and frankly stupid, it's hard to be sympathetic. There's a thread going about a gift box of eclairs and flowers costing £120...some people have that money, others like to pretend.

Whimsical, that's happened to me, I was told there were no cheap options nearby and there was a sweet little B&B 5 minutes walk away. Couple were not happy at all when about a dozen of us booked in there - they didn't say anything.

the only thing is, if you do want to stay in that hotel, do try clearing your cookies or go via a different computer - the price might have gone up for you but not in general.

tbh anyone expecting people to attend a 2 day wedding is showing a lot of selfishness there too - people have lives, the long day weddings are hard work, but 2 + all the travel - flipping heck.

I feel like sodding Cassandra here but I'm going to have one last go.

OP, you resent the b&g's presumption and you are not going on principle, because you feel so strongly about the issue (your words). Entirely fair enough. But you have no intention of telling the bride your real objection and you have instead concocted a half-baked story about prior engagements and finances.

You're willing to be honest with the entirety of MN but not with the one person who could change this situation, or learn something from it.

The bride's plans are crass, presumptuous and vulgar. You have no intention of telling her so, however, and meanwhile this thread fills up with people enjoying the schadenfreude of her collapsed wedding.

Well done

Run, I'm a great believer in straight talking and I did suggest the OP be honest, but I can totally see why she wouldn't feel able to do that. This is one of those situations where I think the people involved will ultimately realise they've been lied to and will learn their lesson in fact. And hopefully tell others about it.

whether or not the OP tells the truth won't have any bearing on whether they ultimately have to cancel their wedding.

I think the bride will know the real objection as I doubt she's stupid! Guests dropping out may have made he sit up and take notice of how self indulgent she's being - and most people will know 'other commitments' actually means I can't think of a good excuse - but trying to spare your feelings.

RunLillian

I also had people telling me "just decline and don't go/ an invitation not a summons/ don't call the bride out on it."

I've made my point by declining politely. I doubt me calling the bride and telling her an already booked wedding over two days, taking place five hours away from where the majority of where her friends and family live is in my opinion wrong on the grounds of X, y and z is going to achieve much here. She's still paid for it already. A sudden lightbulb moment now (never going to happen) will make no difference to whether or not she can afford to pay for her venue without the cash injection she was relying on from guests.

Yes she's now threatening to cancel the whole thing, on the basis people won't pay for something they never asked for in the first place.

I don't get your point.

The bride didn't ask her for honest input, she just harangued her to come for her own selfish purposes. If the bride had any empathy for others at all, she'd be able to figure out the issues:

a) People have better things to do than pay homage for two days plus 10 hours round-trip travel time
b) People have better things to do with their limited funds than to pony up for one's expensive castle AND a cash gift. By not attending they are perfectly etiquettely correct in sending just a well-wishing card.

Have rtft. To my mind:

Paying for own accommodation - fine

Expectation of cash gifts - not brilliant, poorly worded, but not offensive

Two day wedding, swallowing a whole weekend and probably the preceding Friday - not a chance

Also, this:
Neither the bride not groom are from Wales so everyone will be travelling a huge distance to this event.

... would drive me bananas. I can kind of / sometimes justify the cost and time of attending a wedding very far away. DP and I are both foreigners, so we do it often enough. But choosing an expensive, impractical venue, far from any amenities, apparently just to facilitate some sort of princess fantasy/delusion? Not a chance.

I think telling the whole truth would likely cause family ructions that could rumble on. There’s no point in saying what you feel especially when she's already feeling hard done by.
I went to a friend's wedding in the middle of no where. Sometimes these places may be just a few miles from others as the crow flies but when windy country lanes are the only access it can easily take 45 mins to get even a short distance.
The b&g found local b&b options of different prices, I think there were a few on site, but there was no expectation of where we had to stay. I didn’t drink so could drive back to cheaper b&b further away. It was still a very expensive weekend though and I just couldn't afford to give a present on top - which has always made me feel a bit sad, I would rather have spent the money on them than a hotel. I also haven't really seen them since so I hope they didn't take offence at it!
I think the biggest problem here is the attitude of the bride, if she had worded it more politely then I'm sure you would have felt differently. I think your reply is excellent and polite!

Vulgar way of putting it but it is usual to pay your own accom unless you are the couples parents. Gift request is rude tho. All in all they should have consulted but if you want to go then suck it up and put it behind you!

I've followed this all the way through. This will sound harsh but it's a good thing if it falls apart, from a wider society perspective. Weddings are completely out of hand. What should be a,lovely, warm event has become a shake down.

OP your last post is brilliantly put!

Amazing how many people haven't RTFT..

And so it continues... I've received a text from the bride.

"Has your mum told you I'm now in danger of having to cancel the venue and lose my deposit? Can't believe this is happening, gutted."

I'm exhausted with this now (and expect you lot are, but thanks for living it with me over the past few days!) I don't think I'm going to reply until tomorrow as I have no idea what to say.

"Thankyou for your bank details. I've booked my room using the details you gave "

Lol!

yanbu
We went to a wedding in Ireland and I stupidly assumed the accommodation the couple booked was on them

£600 stupid ( luckily I only found out as we left! )

I'd send a short bland reply,

'I'm sorry to hear that, I hope it works out. Sorry we can't make it'

To be honest....I probably wouldn't reply as, I'd at this point have to point out some facts, and I wouldn't want to.