Rude wedding invitation?

[PumpkinPies38]

I have NC for this as could out me.

Today we received a wedding invitation and I think it's grabby but it's from a cousin and am not rally in a position to say anything.

So the first thing is it's a two day celebration in another county within the UK. They have said we have to pay our share of the venue accommodation which is £120 for our room and included their bank details for this!

Then at the bottom of the invitation it says: "Gift cards or cash gifts only please."

I've spoken to my mum who is but thinks we shouldn't say anything to upset them but I want to call them on this. We couldn't really stay at a different location as its in the middle of nowhere. Surely they should pay the accommodation? Realistically we would need two nights as the thing starts early on the Saturday and continues into Sunday night with various meals and games. I want to call them on it but don't know if I should or not.

Oh and meant to say I've turned down wedding invitations because of cost before but always sent a gift. If I got that reply that would mean no gift at all from me!

OP I'm so glad you did this
now that the awkward thing has happened anyway, I'd say to her that you can't believe she booked this without checking with people who could and who wanted to stay.

the only way this stops is if people stop enabling it. Btw I didn't realise you were saying "prior engagement" - everyone always calls to ask what it is and can it be moved. This is why I don't agree when people say it's an invitation - it is often a summons.

Good for you anyway. 5 hour journey alone is ridiculous.

Blimey, is this thread still not in the daily mail.

Oh, just read the update about the phone call, missed it somehow!

No, don't go, and you don't need to give a reason. Your "prior engagement" is doing something of your own choice and your mum had no right to reply on your behalf. Do not let your mum influence you into going, it's not her decision and she'll just have to deal with it.

I've sent another email, safer than a call I feel.

"Dear xxx,

It was good to talk to you earlier. I've now had a chance to chat with DH and unfortunately we are not going to be able to rearrange our commitments so sadly won't be able to attend your wedding. I'm sure you understand that it is an awfully long way for us to travel so we can't just come for the day either. Hopefully you will find someone else to take on the room. All the best and hope to see you soon,

Pumpkin"

When we got married we sent details of the hotel out with the invitations and a list of nearby alternative accommodation to give people the choice of where to stay as we knew that even with the wedding party discount it was an expensive hotel. A lot of people did stay but it was completely their choice. That's how it should be, a choice for the guest to make, not a dictate by the bride and groom. If they want their wedding in an expensive hotel that is their choice to make, it is their wedding, but they have to accept that not everyone will be able to spend that kind of money.

OP you are too nice!

That's a good email. Make sure you remind your Mum not to gossip tell anyone about your dissaproval of the wedding.

I kind of almost feel a little bit sorry for the brides in this situation.

She has probably pottered about all the wedding fairs. Then she sees the chance to be a fairy princess in a castle. Only problem is that she cant afford it.

Of course the events organiser saw her coming from a mile off. The events organiser will make suggestions (like getting the guests to fund the whole thing), telling her this is the way it's done these days. The bride know no better (especially if she is a bit dim and a bit grasping) and any way, this is her special day.

I did wonder if you weren't the first to decline and she's in a panic -

My mum is in hysterics saying I should go and not cause a fuss

What did you say to that?

You're nicer than me, OP. Very diplomatic email.

Cody

I haven't told my mum about the email.

MISSED CALL TALLY MOTHER 2, BRIDE TO BE 1

GnomedePlume - great username!

I don't feel sorry for them - I think it takes a really really low level of common sense to accept that kind of thing combined with major greed. if it doesn't occur to people to think for one minute that people might not want to pay, might not be able to pay, or even might get ill etc etc, then either they are blinded by greed or too young to get married.

I sound like a right old fogey but it goes in the box of "where did personal responsibility go" for me - even if the venue told them what they wanted to hear, they still signed on the dotted line without using any brain cells at all.

MISSED CALL TALLY MOTHER 2, BRIDE TO BE 1*

LOL

OP, we cross posted - I wonder what the call tally will be by 10pm?

don't answer the phone, turn it to voicemail and watch TV!

I feel sorry for you pumpkin, the bride2be in putting you in a terrible position and sounds desperate now but it's not your problem. She should not have gone ahead and booked an exclusive venue hoping to cover costs to have it exclusive by guests agreeing to stay for 2 nights. It's sounds like she is putting the whole wedding on your shoulders now. Unfortunately for your mother she agreed to something she should not have.

Hold your ground, this is not your problem...this is the bride2be's.

There's obviously many more people pulling out!

Don't answer the phone to either of them tonight. I agree with turning your phone off.

Let the dust settle. They're just going to have to get over it.

Tbh, your mother sounds a bit weird and overinvested about the whole thing!

I love wedding threads. I especially love an OP who isn't afraid to get the job done!

What a cheek. Just assuming you'd pay.

To be fair, we asked that if people dos want to give a gift vouchers would be beat but really we'd prefer it if folk uses their money to have a good time at the wedding instead. I bet that's awful. It was before I knew about MN and all the wedding rules.

I went to an ex-colleague's wedding once where the accommodation was dictated to us beforehand (it was a castle as well) and I remember being pretty miffed at the time because of the cost and a couple of other things. However in the end it was such a good wedding I forgot about my gripes afterwards. I think I had become a bit jaded by the way weddings had become so entitled. It was that stage in my life where I was getting lots of wedding invitations.,
I do think your b&g are being presumptuous by including bank details and the cash/gift card thing. I think if you are really bothered by it then decline the invitation. Also the 2 day thing is a bit much. If you decide to go then let go of any resentment you feel and go to enjoy the weekend freely.

Could you be sneaky and ring the venue/hotel and see how much it costs per night or is there any alternative accommodation available? Two days seems a bit over the top for one wedding

She did decline it. Ages ago.

I've read the thread with interest - I don't think I have every read such a strange wedding thread as this! Anyway, here is what I think; The idea of getting married in a castle at an elusive venue sounds amazing. But, the bride should have sounded people out about it first. We got married in the midlands and had friends who drove 2 hours to attend our wedding and drove back on the same night. I would never assume that people would stay over just because there was the option to. It is unreasonable to just assume that everyone would stay and they could recoup the cost of the rooms that way. It is risky - they must have thought people might decline their invite? A two day wedding is a bit much. Effectively, they are asking you to pay for yourself to join them on a weekend away during which they will get married. Again, it shouldn't be assumed that you will attend. There is more than just a wedding breakfast meal involved too. You are looking at breakfasts, lunches, snacks and an evening meal with no idea as to whether they are provided or will be an extra expense. The couple shouldn't just assume you can afford it. So, YANBU for declining. You shouldnt feel bad. The happy couple have assumed way too much and it is ridiculous.

I don't think it's rude at all. Most weddings venues I have looked at stipulate you must take so many rooms if you want it at peak times! Most guests will pay this as it's not that expensive for 2 people for a night. Im sure if you really want you could find a B&B somewhere close by and hire a local taxi. I think it's really grabby of you to expect the bride and groom to pay for your room. If you don't want to go then just decline.. I'm not sure what the hassle is? It's also quite usual for couples nowadays to ask for cash gifts esp if they have lived together for sometime as they wont need the usual wedding items! I don't see how requesting this is any different to saying we have a wedding list here for you to buy us something!

After another call from my mum I decided to speak to her. Basically the bride to be has been on the phone to her and yes, a few people have declined the invitation saying they can't travel that far and do two days. The bride to be is apparently now saying she may have to scrap the whole thing "as they can't afford it" and it's horrible of everyone because they'll lose their deposit if they cancel but the long and short of it is they need the castle rooms all paying for by guests and not enough guests are agreeing to go.

My mum was actually relatively OK about it all she does agree with me but didn't want a fall out but I've read her the emails and told her I haven't been rude, we just don't want to go all that way for two days etc etc etc. My mum is calmer now she knows I haven't called my cousin out on anything and made up an OK excuse.

She did decline. The hassle is from the bride and, bizarrely, OP's mother.