Rude wedding invitation?

[PumpkinPies38]

I have NC for this as could out me.

Today we received a wedding invitation and I think it's grabby but it's from a cousin and am not rally in a position to say anything.

So the first thing is it's a two day celebration in another county within the UK. They have said we have to pay our share of the venue accommodation which is £120 for our room and included their bank details for this!

Then at the bottom of the invitation it says: "Gift cards or cash gifts only please."

I've spoken to my mum who is but thinks we shouldn't say anything to upset them but I want to call them on this. We couldn't really stay at a different location as its in the middle of nowhere. Surely they should pay the accommodation? Realistically we would need two nights as the thing starts early on the Saturday and continues into Sunday night with various meals and games. I want to call them on it but don't know if I should or not.

Expensive, but assumed that, as the poor relations we were just being marginalised because we could not afford their jet set prices.

I remember asking about food times, so I could bring stuff for kids and ending up giving DD drinks from the tap in the loo and feeding both children by biting chunks off the apples left out to feed the horses. Eventually, I knocked on the kitchen door and was, begrudgingly, given a bread roll. It was all a bit fraught because of children.

I put a lot of the awfulness down to them not understanding how children work. But was very, very hurt and upset busy the photos later on - and by a (half) sister telling me I was not allowed to pop my head round the bride's door to say hello and wish her good luck.

But, I have just been on their website and 17 rooms are included in the price of (today) 8000 for a night including food for 50. So, we paid towards that night, even if we missed the first.

We chose to stay in a caravan about 5 miles from our nieces venue, and booked a taxi there ,and back late in the evening. We had a mini Scottish holiday around the wedding!

A whole day spent playing games would be the deal breaker for me.

IMO it is wrong to expect friends or family to stump up money to attend a wedding - it's also wrong to expect gifts! STOP!
obviously many will give a gift but it's wrong to expect! surelt we invite people to out wedding celebrations because we want to share our day with them NOT because we want to receive money from them or cost them money????

I think too many people have lost sight of the meaning or marriage - much like many have lost sight of the true meaning of Christmas or Easter!

Don't misjudge me - I'm no Bible Basher - but surely the idea of a wedding celebration it to do just that - celebrate the marriage of two people - not to fleece their friends!

My first marriage - we hired a friends country house hotel outright and invited our most sincere friends to join us - we paid for all accommodation, and activities, quad biking etc and gaming tables and magician on the evening - our friend had no idea why they were there until the evening when we told them that we had got married - but they were our best friends and family and I suspect that most would have come even if we weren't paying BUT significantly, we WERE paying - they were there because WE WANTED THEM THERE - and therefore we paid for them - their financial ability to fund it was irrelevant - we paid because we wanted them with us to celebrate our marriage!

I truly believe that it is wrong to expect others to pay to come to your wedding - if they have to pay - then don't expect a gift! and don't get stroppy if they decline you invitation all together!

It seems that in these days it is expected that a wedding will cost thousands and it's an excuse to get money/gifts from others. IT'S JUST WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Surely????

£120 for 2 for 2 nights in a castle is a bargain actually. Could have been worded better, but surely you were only going to ever stay there anyway and they consider you close enough to attend San can't imagine it has many rooms.
I'm guessing they had to pay for the whole thing, not pay for the venue and I ideal guests pay for the rooms, so I don't see how they could have done it any other way?

NCVanish £120 per night. Still very reasonable, tbf.

it might be a good price but when it's issued as a summons, it isn't the point.

"I don't see how they could have done it any other way?"

well, they could have had the wedding they can afford? If you are going to this kind of thing you need to consult with people first surely.

I'm actually relieved to see someone saying "wedding in another county" like it's another country - I have made a rule that I will only go to local weddings and definitely no more that require the use of precious annual leave.

NCVanish- it's £120 per night and it's a 2 night wedding. of course they can do it another way! They're getting married in rural Wales where neither of them live and nor do any of the guests, so they could have chosen a closer venue. They could also have had a normal wedding that doesn't involve hiring a castle for the weekend and clawing back the costs form guests.

and this is what weddings are about these days ? Thought you went to a wedding to see 2 people get married not to party like a spoilt party animal then cough up cash to feather their nest ! Just decline the invite and send them a cheap toaster . Let's hope they get 50.
I was once invited to a wedding which invited us to pay a contribution towards some modern art painting for them to hang in their home. I just replied get lost . No great loss - they were pretentious tw**s anyway.

They could have asked if people wanted a room booking at a cost of x or if they would make their own arrangements.
Not book a room and say here you go, there's your room. Put x in this account. The b&g have taken a huge risk by doing
This that could bite them, when guests decline the invite.

Sorry just read it's per night and your not going, well good for you, the bride and groom will have a better wedding without you moping around.
My relatives came from another country that involved air travel! And they paid to stay at the hotel we had th wedding at, no hint they expected me to pay for them.

If guests decline they decline. They're still paying out for the venue hire, plus food and alcohol on top, so it's not like the guests are paying for the wedding, they are only paying for their own room.

Every wedding I have been to has involved travel and overnight stay, having friends from uni and family spread out means couples have home towns miles from uni so always travel.

I wouldn't have an issue with this if it was my friend and they invited me. Yes they worded it a bit harshly, especially the cash only, but I'd never have expected any friends to pay for my hotel room because I had to travel 5 hours to get there

I went to a wedding in Poland and the bride told me it was absolutely expected that they pay for the accommodation - that's the way it goes. However, everyone was also expected to give cash as a gift, so I gave slightly more than the cost of the accommodation - around 400 pounds - the aim was for them to cover the wedding expenses, and not actually make a loss.
It was a four day affair, with a lot of vodka and cakes and the bride and groom actually took us on a tour of the nearby area the day after the wedding. How kind is that!

Yes, totally normal for you to pay your own accommodation. However, when I have done this, it has always been something I have arranged paying for myself, not handing any cash over to the wedding party (beside the gift).

So yes, normal for you to pay, but odd for the bride or whoever be sorting out paying for it.

One wedding I went to which I did think was a bit was where we were asked to pay our own for the wedding breakfast, but still nothing said - just paid and that was that.

In regards to the gift, I can't decide whether it is better for them just to say outright cash or giftcards, or using one of those tacky little poems which actually asks for cash buried in a 100 words.

I sympathise here- I too hate being dictated too by Bridezillas.
I think you have a point and I'd be cheesed off if I had been dictated to in the same way.
Assuming you will stay over and endure 2 days of wedding hell would be too much for me- unless of course I was really close to the couple, which doesn't sound the case here.
If you want to go then go, suck it up and pay the money.stay and enjoy it all. Maybe ignore the cash gift beg, I always like to give a more personal gift. I love a wedding list from JL to pick from, but resent giving money. I just think you are paying towards the wedding credit card repayments!!
Or don't go- politely decline. There seems little point having words with the bride. £120 is a fairly good rate for a room for 2... And if they are providing all of the meals for the 2 days then that is even more of a bargain.
Xx

I think it could have been put better but I would expect to pay for my accommodation to be honest

Hamletssister

I love my sister to bits. But she'd never behave this way. If she did I'd think she had been taken over by aliens. but I'm amazed you didn't tell yours to fuck off over her treatment of you at the wedding. My sis earns a lot more than I do and there's no way she'd treat me badly because of it.

If people want to get married in a castle/ country house great but pay for it themselves then see if anyone wants to stay at a small cost, I think it is awful. If you cant afford what you want either save for it or have something you can afford.

I do think it depends on the exact wording - have they said that if you wish to stay it will be £120 or have they worded it that as you are invited you must stay and it will cost you £120?
I wouldn't call them on it - it probably wouldn't make any difference if you did but would almost certainly cause family disagreements. And I would imagine that you're not particularly close to your cousin by the wording of your post?
If you want to go I think you just have to suck it up and pay - it's not a bad price for a weekend away, you may then have to spend less on the gift card - that obviously will depend on your financial situation.
If you can't afford to go or really don't want to spend £120 then I would personally decline the invite but send a wedding card with a gift card.

take your tent and camp outside?

in terms of summons, the OP said they this "The place is in the middle of nowhere and it's not an option it's just a "you owe us xx for your share of the accommodation please transfer to this account." "

so that's a clear order really rather than a "here is the option for staying".

Travel to Wales = £50 ish
Outfit = £ 100
Accommodation = £240
Food and drink = £?!
Present = £60-£100
total price of attending wedding over £500.
This is before you have taken the day off on the Friday to get to Wales (because unless you live in a county bordering Wales, that journey in itself takes hours)

I bet you've had to go to the sodding hen weekend/week too which brings the total cost of attending the wedding at the best part of £1000.

£120 for 2 in a room isn't that bad (you've not said whether it's just you or two of you - in which case £240 for one person for two nights is extortionate) and yes it is normal to pay your accommodation; it's the way in which you've been informed that that's what you'll be paying and given no choice in this. Unless they mentioned to you in one of the pre invite conversations that they had booked this venue and that accommodation was available and you'd said 'ooh brill count me in', it is unreasonable to demand money from guests and I'd just say 'sorry I can't attend as I have booked a non refundable holiday' or something. If you did vaguely agree before, I think you just need to go... However from what you have said it sounds like you and other guests are subsidising their £12000 venue.

Am fed up of people thinking that I am perfectly happy to spend my annual holiday budget and annual leave to attend their wedding over several days.

Just Say No.

Thank you for all your replies. So there has already been a bit of a fall out which is awkward as I was hoping to just avoid the drama by saying we couldn't go.

The RSVP on the invitation was an email address so I sent the following:

"Dear xxxx,

Thank you for your invitation, unfortunately DH and I are going to have to decline due to prior commitments but we wish you all the best and look forward to seeing photos of your day.

Love Pumpkin"

I was hoping that would be that. Anyway the bride rang me that night and it was very awkward. She wanted to know what the prior arrangements were and asked us to rearrange. I wasn't expecting a call so didn't have time to come up with something plausible I said DH had a work thing. She then said that my mum had told her we'd all be there and she'd booked the rooms based on those numbers (had had no conversation with her about this prior to this call) and could we come for one night instead. She got upset and said people weren't going and it was the most special day of her lives AND SAID "Dfiance and I are going to be left hugely out of pocket over this if we are left paying for other people's rooms!" I said "you booked those rooms without asking anyone first- that's part of the cost of your wedding." She said "we are thinking of the guests you lot have to stay somewhere!"

I was gobsmacked. I was on the spot and didn't know what to say and said I'd talk to DH and call her tomorrow.

Now feel I HAVE to go. Fuming as she basically admitted the money thing!

Ouch that's grim.

Wants you to go for the reason they will be out of pocket.

I know what I'd do.