not letting DD stay at OH mothers over night?

[BibbidiBobbidi]

Here's the lowdown.

My daughter is 9 weeks old and wakes for feeds in the night (formula fed).
My mom has her about once a week to give me a break so that I can have a good nights rest if she has been particularly difficult that night. My OH works shifts and often does nights so I do all the night feeds.
She has never stayed at OH parents house.
My reasons for this are that his parents chain smoke indoors and get drunk every night to the point that they fall asleep on the sofa. I used to live with them so I know that this is a nightly occurrence. My parents might have a little drink on the weekend but certainly not if DD is staying there.

OH is now saying that because DD is allowed to stay at my moms she should be allowed to stay at his moms too.

AIBU to put my foot down and say no? At least until she is old enough to sleep through the night?

Chain smoking indoors, and your OH wants his DD to spend an extended amount of time there?!?! Not a chance!!

He does know the dangers of cigarette smoke, right??

of course you are not unreasonable. What does your DH say about the chain smoking and the drinking?

Thank you, these are my thoughts exactly.
He thinks that when she's there they will smoke outside and not drink.

Never happened he whole year I lived there though!

YANBU. If they chain smoke and then fall asleep on the sofa there is a huge fire risk aside from anything else. So if you are there with DD they would smoke around her?

I wouldn't be going anywhere near there, let alone entertaining a sleepover!

YANBU. My alkie DM couldn't manage one night with her niece staying, still got drunk, niece pulled up overnight, DM went in and just folded down the duvet. Niece (under ten) was in a terrible state.

Tell your DP to piss off, no chance.

YANBU

Your OH is a fucking idiot. He thinks that since his 9wk old DD can stay at your parents in a safe, healthy environment, then she should also be allowed be left overnight in a house of chain smoking alcoholics? Fuck that shit. That's how I would spell it out for him. What bloody planet is be on?

I also would not be bringing a child into a house where people smoke indoors. It's not healthy at all.

Yanbu. N0 way in hell would I let that happen. Stand your ground.

I'd say no.

I'd compromise though and ask if they wanted to come round once a week and do the bath/bottle/bed routine and then maybe stay for dinner? That way they are involved but where you can keep and eye.

If you have the spare room maybe they could stay at yours every now and again and be on Baby duty overnight and in the morning?

Not ideal but possible compromise.

She isn't a toy to share she's a human being who needs a ridiculous amount of care to keep her alive! Your OH is being daft

In really don't think she won't drink that night.
She may intend not to get too drunk but I think it'll still happen.
They do usually smoke in the porch when we are all there but how do I know they will do that when I'm not there? I think it would really unsafe to let my baby stay there!! What kind of mother would I be to let this happen?

She's told me that she drank whilst pregnant with OH and she used to take him to the pub with her when he was a baby so why he thinks she would stay sober now I do not know!

I think he's frightened to tell her no to be honest.

I think you should count your lucky stars that you get a night off your own baby a week!

Yes I agree with rge smoking thing, but can't you come to an agreement where she only smokes outdoors and covers up whilst smoking? Or she helps out in other ways.

You are very lucky! Enlist the help where it's needed and compromise. Your Mil would not want to put her grandchild at risk.

My oldest is 6 years old and no one has offered to give me a break.

9 weeks old? I'm amazed you get a night off a week tbh.

To be perfectly honest I don't know why you need a break from a 9 week old? Assuming first child.

Life it's not every week, only when I'm struggling. As I said, I'm doing it all by myself really.
I had a difficult pregnancy and almost passed away after the birth (emergency section) and have other health issues of my own as well.

I know that I am extremely lucky that my mom is available to help me like this. Don't think that I enjoy handing my baby over so that I can rest. It actually makes me feel very guilty.

Why not have a night a week?

Dh used to do every Friday night and it was my "sleep through" night. OPS dh works nights so she doesn't have anyone to do that for her. And presumably he needs to sleep in the daytime so can't help masses there too.

Why not have a night of unbroken sleep once a week. And why on earth try and make her feel guilty for it?

Oh do fuck off Life

Thank you NapQueen

Haha Dartmoor put it much more succinctly

Ready Steady GO! Race to the bottom. I lived in a pond with no family or friends at all and ate pond scum. No one who has children should ever get a night off ever.

In other news, babies are not toys. Your mum takes her so you can recover and rest. Your DH wants his mother to have her because... why? Fairness? Does your MIL even want to have her once a week?

Don't feel you have to justify yourself BibbidiBobbidi - and definitely don't feel guilty for allowing yourself to rest and recuperate!!

If it makes you feel better, my parents had my DS overnight when he was tiny and I didn't feel any guilt (which I then felt guilty about!). You're human, you're a new mother, you need to recover both your physical and mental strength. Don't justify your need for these things, you don't have to.

And no YANBU to not allow your baby to sleep overnight in a house reeking of cigarettes whilst the caregivers are downstairs getting shit faced.

According to mumsnet standards, I'm the slackest of parents but I would absolutely not allow this. Not least because I wouldn't trust them to actually look after the baby properly! You don't need to take the help "wherever you can get it" from someone you don't trust to put your baby's needs first.

Thank you Strokethefurrywall, pleased to read that I'm not the only one that accepts help when I need it!

Don't do it. You would never forgive yourself when something goes wrong

God above. My DM has has my 14wo for 20 minutes on her own and I am going bonkers, but I wouldn't consider for a second putting him IN DANGER with those people.

However, if YOUR mum has developed a thing for babies....

Google the dangers of babies in houses where people smoke ( even if they do it outside) no way would I let my 9 week old stay in that situation, your dh is totally unreasonable