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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not letting DD stay at OH mothers over night?

64 replies

BibbidiBobbidi · 10/06/2016 21:48

Here's the lowdown.

My daughter is 9 weeks old and wakes for feeds in the night (formula fed).
My mom has her about once a week to give me a break so that I can have a good nights rest if she has been particularly difficult that night. My OH works shifts and often does nights so I do all the night feeds.
She has never stayed at OH parents house.
My reasons for this are that his parents chain smoke indoors and get drunk every night to the point that they fall asleep on the sofa. I used to live with them so I know that this is a nightly occurrence. My parents might have a little drink on the weekend but certainly not if DD is staying there.

OH is now saying that because DD is allowed to stay at my moms she should be allowed to stay at his moms too.

AIBU to put my foot down and say no? At least until she is old enough to sleep through the night?

OP posts:
TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 10/06/2016 22:28

OK, OP I know this is probably the last thing you want to google so dont if you are a natural worrier (not a criticism at all ) but ask your OH to google smoking and the effect on babies.

My parents smoked when I was a baby. I have chronic lung and ear problems. I'm 31 and having to have grommets fitted. I have never had a winter without a chest or ear infection. It sucks and my lung problems/asthma was the reason I stopped breathing from an infection post c-section.

You are right to say no. I'm proof of the long term effects of passive smoking as a child and I am terrified of getting smoking related cancers. I am at such high risk :(

Phalenopsisgirl · 10/06/2016 22:32

And good for you for taking the offered help, well rested you can only be a better mummy.

chocolateworshipper · 10/06/2016 22:38

DO accept help from your own mum and DO NOT feel guilty about that. How wonderful that they are getting that chance to bond, and it also means that you get some rest in order to spend quality time with your baby.

DO NOT be pressured into letting your baby sleep in a smoke-filled and alcohol-filled household. If you want to keep the peace, make up some story about a medical expert saying that your baby shows signs of being asthmatic and must under no circumstances be around cigarette smoke. There is no way you should have to justify it by lying - but I can understand saying no could make things difficult with OH's parents.

StarTastic · 10/06/2016 22:43

I believe you should never make anyone do anything they are uncomfortable with. So don't do it if you are uncomfortable for any reason. you both have no problem with baby staying with your mum so that's fine. Baby doesn't have to go to OH mum just because she goes to yours.

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/06/2016 22:44

If they chain smoke in the house then I wouldn't take a baby there even if they actually would smoke outside while she's there.

I helped a friend move in to and sort out a council house which had previously been inhabited by chain smokers. They'd moved out 6 weeks before, but you walked in and the smell of smoke hit you like a wall. We stripped the walls and ceilings, but it took way longer than normal because the smoke/nicotine/tar had made a greasy layer over the paper which basically dripped off when you steamed it (liquid nicotine, vile!) - it really made me realise just how ingrained the shite is in the home of heavy smokers. The house will be full of it even if they smoke outside that day - it's ingrained, it doesn't just vanish when the cloud does.

NewLife4Me · 10/06/2016 22:45

I smoke and wouldn't allow it for one moment.
If they smoke in the house at all or within a certain vicinity it's pointless them going outside when you all visit. Smoking in porch with door open they might as well be smoking in the house.

I'd have a baby at our house as we smoke outside, properly or in conservatory as have no small children at home. Everywhere would be scrubbed first though and there's never a smell, so non smokers tell us.

KitKats28 · 10/06/2016 22:49

People who smoke just don't see why it's a problem. I used to smoke and I didn't see why it was a problem as long as it was out of the way.

But..... You have to try and understand why your inlaws are a bit upset. As far as they are concerned, you let your parents have the baby, so why wouldn't you let them?

And yeah, you are saying that you let your parents have your baby once a week to give you a break. At 9 weeks? They have had your baby 9 times???

Fact: people who smoke really don't get why it's a problem. I would have said "I won't smoke near the baby" "what's the problem as long as my cigarettes aren't near them".

I get it now I've given up, but don't underestimated the power of addiction.

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/06/2016 22:55

Why shouldn't she let her parents help her when she needs it? OP has said she has health problems and her OH works shifts so she's doing the nights on her own.

Can't believe how many people are having a go at a new mum for letting someone she trusts look after her baby so she can sleep and manager her own health issues. She's no good to the baby if she's too ill to care for it because she martyrs herself.

Tattieboggle · 10/06/2016 22:59

OP i think it's great your mum has the wee one so you have a good nights sleep and you don't have to justify it to anyone.

I have my grandchildren as well from the time they're weeks old but I go to their home due to my disabled son needing his sleep. And unlike you none of the mums have a health problem. It's a weekly thing but if I saw any of the girls looked exhausted another day I'd tell them I'll be around tonight.

The babies have a bottle of expressed milk in the night and when mum or mum and dad come downstairs in the morning I make a slap up breakfast for them whilst baby is on the breast before going home.

It suits us and it's what we think families are for.

I wouldn't leave baby with your inlaws, not with the smoking let alone anything else.

fluffypacman · 10/06/2016 23:00

No, no, no! Don't do it. They sound like they have alcohol dependency issues. They might not intend to get drunk that night but it sounds like it'll happen anyway. When drunk they'll probably not be arsed with smoking outside either. Maybe they can come over in the morning (when sober) and take baby out for a walk while you rest or something.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/06/2016 23:48

"OH is now saying that because DD is allowed to stay at my moms she should be allowed to stay at his moms too."
Your mom's is a safe place for her to be. His mom's isn't. As DartmoorDoughnut has already pointed out, "She isn't a toy to share she's a human being who needs a ridiculous amount of care to keep her alive!" Care that she is extremely unlikely to get at his mom's.

"He thinks that when she's there they will smoke outside and not drink."
Just how thick is your OH? Or does he know he's talking bollocks?

nellynoodles · 10/06/2016 23:54

Lifeischaos where did the OP state at all that she didn't consider herself lucky for getting a night baby free to rest? This thread is about her DD being unsafe in the care of her PIL your arsey comments were unnecessary and downright rude!

Strokethefurrywall · 11/06/2016 00:00

I'm a smoker and I can see exactly why it's a problem. You'd have to be a special kind of stupid to not accept that your smoking in the house is going to have a negative effect on a young baby.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2016 02:15

The babies have a bottle of expressed milk in the night and when mum or mum and dad come downstairs in the morning I make a slap up breakfast for them whilst baby is on the breast before going home. Can I adopt you? Grin

AldrinJustice · 11/06/2016 02:50

Absolutely no way in hell! I wouldn't let my DC sleep over at a place like that until they're in their teens! YANBU...don't forget you as a mum are the gatekeeper of your child's health and wellbeing, don't give a flying hoot about who says what or what anyone thinks. Put your foot down, it's not a safe environment for your child. I absolutely hate that some parents play the "well your family gets to, so mine should as well" card. Circumstances are different!

Tattieboggle · 11/06/2016 06:25

The babies have a bottle of expressed milk in the night and when mum or mum and dad come downstairs in the morning I make a slap up breakfast for them whilst baby is on the breast before going home. Can I adopt you? grin

I would like that just fine Smile

SusannahD · 11/06/2016 06:33

Absolutely no fucking way would I let my baby be in a house for a minute which was smoked in. Absolutely vile atmosphere for anyone let alone a baby so a big YANBU.

puglife15 · 11/06/2016 06:41

You obviously trust your DM with your baby very much, some mums would let their PFB newborn out of their sight (I don't think I would have trusted my DM at that stage as much as I would have loved the break). So even without the smoking factor you'd need to trust your PILs the same.

wtffgs · 11/06/2016 06:43

Wtf are people bashing OP for having a night off? Hmm Babies are hard work and competent adults should share the burden. Obviously the OP's PILs do not classify as competent.

Stand your ground OP! BrewCake

Tattieboggle · 11/06/2016 06:49

Wtf are people bashing OP for having a night off

I think it was only one person and the posts were so ridiculous you could see they'd been written by someone who just wanted to put the boot in. They didn't even make sense and were so ridiculous and transparent they went off like damp squib let alone the giant firework the poster hoped for.

However someone did utter the magic words and that was the end of that.

Oysterbabe · 11/06/2016 06:50

I wouldn't let me baby visit them let alone stay over.

woodwaj · 11/06/2016 06:51

My oh gave me a night off once a week..(as you can tell by the time that's not today!!) In your position I would do exactly the same but I'd be happy to tell them why though. Saves time waiting for oh to grow a pair!! Wink you have nothing to feel bad for.

Tattieboggle · 11/06/2016 06:52

Lifeischaos where did the OP state at all that she didn't consider herself lucky for getting a night baby free to rest

Yep. Spot on. From the 1st sentence it was obvious what the posters reply was all about.

VillageFete · 11/06/2016 09:17

I let my auntie have my DD from a few weeks old ocassionally and she is a smoker Blush I didn't realise the consequences were so bad? I feel awful now. Is it that dangerous? My cousin has 3 young kids and smokes 20 a day. They are all perfectly fine, but I suppose she's just lucky?

My Mum also had my DD overnow & again from very young, but i've never let MIL have her overnight due to her dog. She's always taken DD out for the day or babysat at our house though, but I know she still feels pushed out compared to my Mum.

magicboy79 · 11/06/2016 09:23

You just need to say it would be no problem if they didn't smoke but you don't want to leave your little baby in a passive smoking environment. Simple as. I don't leave my 2 los with my husband's other half, mainly because she is very scatty and doesn't oh attention and would give them all the crap of the day (ie. We were round visiting not and it was DS bedtime so we're going to go and like all tired 1year olds he started getting upset so she got out orange squash and a pack of beef monster much for him.....at bed time to reward his tantrum!!!! Nightmare! He doesn't eat crisps like that he he never gets orange juice. They can't understand why you wouldn't give a 1 year old haribo sweets either. I'm not afraid or embarrassed to say he's not staying there and you have a more obvious reason than me so don't worry

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