not letting DD stay at OH mothers over night?

[BibbidiBobbidi]

Here's the lowdown.

My daughter is 9 weeks old and wakes for feeds in the night (formula fed).
My mom has her about once a week to give me a break so that I can have a good nights rest if she has been particularly difficult that night. My OH works shifts and often does nights so I do all the night feeds.
She has never stayed at OH parents house.
My reasons for this are that his parents chain smoke indoors and get drunk every night to the point that they fall asleep on the sofa. I used to live with them so I know that this is a nightly occurrence. My parents might have a little drink on the weekend but certainly not if DD is staying there.

OH is now saying that because DD is allowed to stay at my moms she should be allowed to stay at his moms too.

AIBU to put my foot down and say no? At least until she is old enough to sleep through the night?

Thanks for your replies everybody.
I'm glad everyone is in agreement!

I'll try and have a chat with OH later about it and try to get him to see how unsafe it is.

If it means DD doesn't stay at my moms anymore to make it fair then that's what's going to happen.
I'd rather her not stay anywhere other than with me than stay at his moms :(

Why do folk on here think that grandmothers are not capable of looking after babies to give their daughter a break. After all their daughters have survived to give birth themselves. I totally agree with not leaving the baby with people who drink to oblivion and chain smoke. I would be mortally offended if a daughter of mine thought I was not capable of looking after a baby.

Can your mum come and stay at yours one night a week? Without your mil knowing?

If your OH wont do it then youll just have to tell her no yourself! Its not worth putting your baby at risk. Has she been asking specifically herself to take the baby or is it just something your OH assumes she wants to do? If she has been asking herself just directly tell her that you appreciate the offer but you are not comfortable with that and then dont get drawn in to an argument or any accusations just leave it at that. You are well within your rights to decide who your baby stays over night with. Good luck xx

Bibbidi - no! Do NOT do that. Just because your MIL is not allowed look after your baby, doesn't mean that you not can't have your mum looking after her! Your mum is offering you her support and you clearly need it. Don't stop that just because your OH thinks you should allow your baby be cared for by chain smoking alcoholics.

It is nothing to do with "being fair". It has EVERYTHING to do with the health and well being of your baby. You don't just cut off a support network (ie your mum) just because your ILs are totally not fit for caring for a child.

Tell your OH it's not gonna happen and he can look up the dangers of this.

VillageFete - a lot of these health problems don't appear til later in life. Your cousin's kids may well have health problems in later life due to all this exposure to smoke.

Bibbidi - no! Do NOT do that

Yes, please dont do that to you, your wee one, and your mum - and not just because by doing it you'll be enabling your MIL in her drinking and smoking.

How is she ever to try and get her act together if there are no consequences.

Poor you, and your poor mum. What a bloody mess

It's such a mess!
They haven't actually asked to have her yet but hints have been dropped.

I know my mom can take care of her, she doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, is in her 40s so even though she's a nan she's not an old granny and she used to be a childminder.
OHs mom is the complete opposite.

I just don't want to hurt anybody's feelings but there's no way DD is staying there. If anything happened I'd never forgive her or myself.

Every cot death factor is in that house. Plus she has the heating on all year!!

She's such a lovely person and loves DD to bits but she's just not suitable to have her for a long period of time. Especially over night.

You're right though.

There's no reason to stop my mom having her.

That'll be cutting my nose off to spite my face and I need her.

The horses in this race:

The baby's health
Your health
Your MIL's feelings

How can the third one possibly win? Unless your OH really doesn't understand.

No chance

As if you'd get a decent night anyway worrying about her.

No way in hell would I trust your MIL with my baby if I were you. Apart from the smoking, would she make sure the baby sleeps safely on her back, without blankets over her face, on a new, clean mattress in a bed without gaps between mattress and wood, at the appropriate room temperature, checking on her every so often? I'm guessing the answer is no. You cannot even be sure that she doesn't fall asleep with your DD in the sofa, which is extremely dangerous, especially combined with alcohol.

Thank you everybody.

I had a good chat with OH yesterday and laid my cards on the table and said there is no way she is staying there.
He said that he understands but doesn't want to upset his mum (which I can understand) but we agreed that it would be better to have her upset than have a dead daughter!!!

I suggested we have a date night soon and his mum can come to ours to take care of DD until we return. That way she's had DD alone but at our house which is a smoke free house and she won't be able to drink because she'll have to drive home after. I also said that she can come here whenever she wants to to take care of DD while I get things done or run errands.

That's the best compromise I was prepared to come up with!

I was with you until you started using the fact the MIL used to take DH to the pub when he was a baby as a reason why Mil's drinking is a problem. Back in the day, that was normal, and in fact most pubs have plenty of children in there during the day. That would suggest that its still normal to take children into the pub.
Your first poist talks about chain smoking GPs, but subsequently you mention that they always go on the porch ( an outside area?) When you are there, which presumably means when the baby is there. Have you any reason to think they wouldn't do that if you weren't checking?
I think this is something that you and DH will have to raise with them at some point, you do really need to talk about, even if you raise it obliquely to start with - eg " my friend left her baby with someone and she was so upset when she found they'd been drinking whilst they were looking after - doesn't she realise that x/y/z could have happened?". Make sure they are in no doubt your views. Then when they do eventually ask to have the baby, you can just ask them what they plan to do about the smoking and drinking.
Your " solution " in your latest post seems very orientated towards them providing free babysitting for you, at your convenience. I'd think very carefully if you really don't want to offend them!

I think it's fantastic that you're able to leave your baby with your mum once a week in order to get a rest. (I hope to do the same when my LO arrives.) And I absolutely agree that you shouldn't do the same with your mil. Your latest post sounds like the perfect solution. Wishing you all the very best.