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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends forget, we remember... Every single year!!!

151 replies

Bipet1984 · 10/06/2016 14:23

Our best man and wife forget our anniversary!!! EVERY YEAR!! And after it’s gone they go: "sorry guys, we’re rubbish." On the other hand we get them a little pressie and a card for their wedding anniversary. Every year.
Wouldn’t you think if you wanted to remember something you’d jot it in the calendar after the 1st time?

Would you stop the present and card for their anniversary or would you carry on?
I don’t want it to look catty by stopping acknowledging their anniversary but at the same time it would be nice even if they just remembered the day.
AIBU? It’s not that much about the anniversary, it’s more about the principle.

OP posts:
Candycoco · 10/06/2016 17:43

How strange to send an anniversary card to your friends! They obviously aren't reciprocating because it's really weird! Sorry op

Gottagetmoving · 10/06/2016 17:58

I don't remember anyone's wedding anniversary. I would never have expected anyone to remember mine...when I was married.
It's for the couple to celebrate

redexpat · 10/06/2016 17:59

I asked on MN if it was a thing when on our first anniversary we got some cards. The answer was if you're going by the etiquette book then you send a card on the 1st anniversary if you were invited to the wedding. I have one friend, my best woman actually who continues to send cards. I asked her quite directly if it was a thing for her and she laughed and said that both she and her husband come from card sending families but she knew that they were a statistical anomaly, and that she likes sending cards, but absolutely did not expect one in return.

CurvyVonTeese · 10/06/2016 18:10

Sorry but YABU. Not really the done thing.
Your best man and his wife are probably secretly hoping you stop with the present giving on their anniversary.

PansOnFire · 10/06/2016 18:15

I sent my cousin and her husband a bouquet of flowers on their first wedding anniversary, I was the maid of honour and had been involved in a lot of the planning. I haven't sent a card or anything since though, I acknowledge it if I see them or I text if I remember but I don't do cards and presents. For one thing, if I had to remember a card and present for every wedding anniversary of friends and family then not only would there be something most weeks but I'd be skint! I don't expect friends to remember ours, we did get a few cards for our first but our friends just do the same as us really.

YABU, buy them a card if you'd like to acknowledge but stop with the gifts and expecting the same back.

mogloveseggs · 10/06/2016 18:18

Don't even celebrate ours never mind anyone else's. Gifts should not be given in order to receive. Yabu to expect it of them.

PamBagnallsGotACollage · 10/06/2016 18:26

I agree with a PP who said it just isn't important to them. It doesn't mean they don't care about you or your wedding wasn't important but they just don't see the importance in sending a card on a friend's wedding. Anniversary. It has never crossed my mind to or to expect a card from anyone but my husband. My mum and MIL also send cards but I don't expect them too and wouldn't mind at all if they forgot.

Life's too short to be sending cards for every occasion ever.

Savemefromwine · 10/06/2016 18:29

Good grief how high maintenance.

Never heard of any bugger sending another couple anniversary cards. Who remembers stuff like that.

Do you dress up in your wedding gear to mark the occasion op? Wink

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 10/06/2016 18:29

People expect other people to acknowledge their wedding anniversary? You learn something new every day.

m0therofdragons · 10/06/2016 18:33

Anniversary is for DH and I. Never occurred to me I should be upset others don't remember Confused

Zaurak · 10/06/2016 18:41

Anniversaries are really just between yourselves, unless it's a big one. I'm all for chucking a party for someone's 25th or fortieth or whatever but I'd not expect anyone to remember

IndridCold · 10/06/2016 18:51

I would be staggered if anyone other than DH even knew when our wedding anniversary is, not even my Dad!

OwlinaTree · 10/06/2016 19:07

I usually send a card for the first anniversary if we've been to the wedding, but not after that.

ValerieSweet · 10/06/2016 19:43

Giving a 'little pressie and card' every year? And silenting noting their failure to respond in kind?

It's pretty passive aggressive to keep trying to engage someone in a cycle of gift-giving and card-sending when they're clearly, clearly not interested. How are they supposed to stop this, if you won't take the hint? Return your gifts? Say to your face, please stop, it's not our thing at all?

I may be biased, because this reminds me of my mother. Last Christmas she complained, a bit sanctimoniously, that she always sends Karen-from-work-who-moved-to-New-Zealand a Christmas gift, and Karen never sends her one. Karen moved to NZ fifteen bloody years ago. 15-nil on the present front. Stop sending the poor woman stuff and acting like she's an ingrate and you're a lovely person! Grr.

RunLillian · 10/06/2016 20:30

100% agree that Sheila and Keith (or whatever your best man and his DW are called) are ABSOLUTELY DESPERATE for you to get the hint here.

Maybe I go to a lot of weddings, but sending a card to every couple whose wedding I've attended would be a significant amount of admin...

Zaurak · 10/06/2016 20:50

Ahhhhh... Not British? Right, I get it. Yes the British have a thing about cards to Brits on this thread, cards are a very British thing.

The Swedish and Austrian family branches are very intruiged about cards. They're not so much of a thing here.

Wedding/birthday/Christmas/funeral/in hospital/new baby = card

Optional card - things like graduations, engagement, new house etc.

But anniversary no. Only the significant ones (diamond etc.)

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 10/06/2016 21:03

That's what I was thinking RunLillian. We go to a lot of weddings.. I buy them a card and a present when they get married. I'm not adding a first anniversary card to the list too!

Alconleigh · 10/06/2016 21:51

Agree with everyone else, I have not sent a single anniversary card to a friend or relative. It is for the couple alone.

Is this a logical extension of the weekend hen, the wedding that requires hundreds of pounds and days of leave to attend......to then demand yearly veneration of your blessed day? For the love of all that is holy; no one else gives a crap.

Lovesabadboy · 10/06/2016 23:05

We have been married nearly 24 years and initially got a lot of cards. Now, all these years on, it is just my parents-in-law (own parents are not alive), an elderly auntie and my sister who still send them.
My sister also gets us a little gift which tends to be something associated with the 'thing' that represents the number of the year - eg - Paper representing the 1st anniversary etc.

The shops sell masses of Anniversary cards covering general ones for all years. Not just for the big ones at all. Confused
Somebody must be sending them!

I used to send them to my sister before she got divorced and then to people whose weddings I had been to - just for the first anniversary.

I don't think it is weird to send them at all. It is not so much celebrating the anniversary with the couple, it is Congratulating them on the passing of another happy year.

OP, I would probably continue to send the card, but maybe drop the gift.

Flashbangandgone · 11/06/2016 00:09

The odd thing here is that you've continued sending them a card and a present when they've not reciprocated year after year....

And a present too! Wow! Have you ever thought that rather than the receipt of your card and present being greeting with joy, that it's actually greeted with groans... Groans that you are still trying to engage them in a practice they've clearly decided not to engage in. Groans of guilt and exasperation! I'm sorry to say it but you card and present buying is totally counterproductive... Please save your energy and time to invest in your friendships and not undermine them.

trafalgargal · 11/06/2016 00:38

The BM and his wife probably assume you send a card and gift as it is the custom in YOUR country :)

As for Mothers sending cards I always thought the reason for that was to give their sons a heads up in case THEY had forgotten !!

Notso · 11/06/2016 00:49

As for Mothers sending cards I always thought the reason for that was to give their sons a heads up in case THEY had forgotten!!

Grin every year since they married BIL's wife has a little boast about her thoughtful gift from BIL. And every year I have an little inward smirk because I know that MIL has bought it and it is just as much a surprise for BIL when it's opened.

clarrrp · 11/06/2016 01:03

I can just about manage to remember my own anniversary I certainly wouldn't remember anyone else's bar 'June...ish?'

Canyouforgiveher · 11/06/2016 01:07

there is no principal involved in remember another couple's anniversary. If you want to send a card for theirs go right ahead (although I'd be a bit bemused myself getting a card from anyone other than my husband) but you are being unreasonable if you think they should be reciprocating.

I was bm to my sister and she to me and I doubt either of us remember the other's wedding date. Also bridesmaid to my best friend and I never remember her anniversary. Some years I barely remember my own, why would I remember hers?

Eminado · 12/06/2016 17:13

This is so weird to me. Why would you expect them to? They helped you celebrate your big day, they are not in the relationship with you!

The cards you see are intended for people celebrating big anniversaries or having a party or something, surely?

Confused